Love of a Lifetime

Chapter 5

Joanna

The nerves were really getting to me today. I was sitting in my car outside of Brian's office honestly contemplating cancelling my appointment all because I was too chicken to go in. It wasn't that I was scared of the treatments. No, it was because I was scared I might run into Mike.

I hadn't seen or spoken to him since I walked out of the door last weekend. I chose to start this round of chemo on a weekend since the list of possible side effects were rather long.

I was almost considering switching doctors in fear of Brian's reaction to this whole ordeal. I didn't even know if he would be willing to continue seeing me as a patient.

When I had called to cancel my appointment and request my record he showed up at Rachel's house pretty upset. I felt like a toddler being scolded by their parents. Brian had assured me that no matter what we were friends and that he wanted to be the one to help me overcome this “speedbump” as he called it. He was so sure I was going to beat this, I hope he's right.

I knew if I didn't go in he would send the cavalry out for me. He had assured me that I could do this infusion in his personal office so that no one would bother me.

Mike was supposedly with a patient and would be occupied at least while I was checking in. I don't know why I didn't tell him everything that was going on. Perhaps I didn't want the pity from him, or perhaps I felt he didn't have a right to know anymore. That was the truth though, regardless of how much he has been trying to grovel at my feet or beg for forgiveness I just can't forgive him. I don't have it in me.

Brian apparently didn't have it in him either. He hasn't spoken to him and if it wasn't for both of them owning this practice together I'm sure Brian would have sought employment elsewhere. I shook my head and tried to focus on the task at hand.

“Get out of the car Jo. You can do this. So what if he sees you? You owe him no explanation. You don't owe him a god damned thing!”

My mental peptalk was working and eventually I shut my car off and took three deep breaths and walked inside. The receptionist looked at me with pity. Of course, word had spread around the office about Mike's recent escapades.

I was worried that someone would blab about my diagnosis to my soon to be ex but Brian assured me due to Patient confidentiality, they couldn't.

I knew the pity looks were not meant to hurt me, but I couldn't help but rub at the sore spot over my heart. Poor, poor Joanna. Her family didn't want her, her husband was a cheating asshole, and she got cancer. What's next on the list, an amputated leg?

I need to stop thinking before I jinx myself. She checked me in and brought me straight back to Brian's office and shut the door.

I could hear chatter outside of the door and knew that it was Brian. He seemed to be in good spirits. Well, that was at least I heard him.

“Are you ever going to speak to me again?”

“I would if I had anything to say. But I'm pretty sure that black eye you're sporting says everything I need to.”Good one. I held my hand over my mouth to prevent them from hearing my chuckle.

“I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I f****d everything up. Jo won't even talk to me. She sent me divorce papers. f*****g divorce papers. 17 years and she just gives up.”

I stood ready to march my ass out there and give him a piece of my mind but was halted by Brian's words.

“No, she didn't just give up. You broke that poor girl. That girl adored you, Mike. That woman saw you like you hung the moon and the stars. Jo was good to you. She's an amazing mother to your son, she took care of you, the house, she wasn't out for your money. But the best part is, she was faithful. She loved you more than she even loved herself. I'm sure if it was just one time she could have overlooked it, but you had been having an affair for a majority of your marriage. How could you possibly claim to love someone when you weren't even giving them your full heart? Were you thinking about Jo when you were f*****g my wife? No, you weren't. Even before we were married I knew about Lisa’s past. I knew about her wild college side. Jesus mike you could have given her so many STDs. Do you know how many people Lisa was sleeping with in College? I take your silence as a yes. Even when she was carrying your child. She was growing and nurturing the life that you put in her. She gave up so many opportunities for you so that you could have what you have now. She gave up going to school when you did so she could raise Gage. She just got her degree 5 years ago, Mike. You've gotten everything you ever wanted and she has done nothing but sacrifice for you. You wanted to have your cake and eat it too and unfortunately the world doesn't work like that. Joanna is an amazing woman who deserves someone who will love her and ONLY her. Who won't stray from her? Who will treat her like the motherfucking queen that she is? So excuse her if she wants someone who has those qualities. She didn't just give up like that. You forced her to.”

The door rushed open and was shut just as quickly and he leaned against it with his chin pressed to his chest. His ribs were moving up and down rapidly with his heavy breaths. I walked over to him and placed my hand on his shoulder while whipping my eyes with the other.

“Thank you, Brian. I don't deserve to have you as a friend.”

He flicked me in the nose and wrapped his arms around me. “Don't ever repeat what you just said. Do you understand me?”

He dried my tears for me and got me prepped in the recliner in his office. “I'm going to put in a port for the chemo. This is going to take a few hours and you're going to be tired at the end of this…” he went in depth about more side effects that I can get. Hair loss, nail changes, mouth sores, fatigue, nausea, appetite change, increased infections, increased bruising.

“And lastly, I just want you to be aware, this can cause infertility, Jo. I know I told you about this the day you got your diagnosis, but sometimes the shock of everything, a lot of patients dissociate and can't remember it all. Are you sure you want to continue?”

“Yes. I don't need any more children. I don't plan on even seeing anyone for a long time. And by that point it will be too late for me. Gage is all I need. He's actually going to be the one to pick me up later after Rachel drops him off.”

He nodded and got everything set up. “He is a good kid. You did good with him.”

I smiled, proud and happy to take the compliments. “I know.”

He wasn't kidding about losing energy. I felt like I had been hit by a mack truck and today was my first day. We had decided I would do this 2 times a week for 3 weeks then a rest week or two. But all in all I would be getting Chemo for about 6 months.

I don't know how I was going to handle all of this for 6 months. I hope I didn't lose my hair, does that make me vain? I hoped I would still look like my normal self. I didn't want to look sick on the outside. Looking sick meant people stared, people felt sorry for you, people asked questions, people treated you differently. I didn't want to be treated differently. I was still Me. I was still Joanna.

I don't know when I fell asleep, but I awoke to someone rubbing my hand. I opened my eyes and saw the frosty blue ones that I loved looking into. My baby boy, even though he's not a baby anymore.

“You're almost done. Brian said he wanted you to stay for about an hour afterwards to monitor you, but after that we can go home. He said you may not be up for eating tonight or doing anything… What can I do?”

I shook my head. “He's right, I'm so tired. And my stomach does hurt a bit, but you don't need to do anything. If anything, just sit with me. Helps me remember all the times you were sick and I cuddled you until you felt better. How was school today? Any girlfriends yet?” I noticed the more I talked and asked questions, the more it took my mind off of what I was feeling.

Gage lowered his head. “A girlfriend is the least thing I'm worried about right now. Even still, why should I bother if all that's going to happen in the end is getting a broken heart?”

I squeezed his hand as hard as I could. “Gage, just because I didn't get my happily ever after doesn't mean you won't. Promise me that you won't give up on love?”

He huffed but changed the subject. I would make sure to talk to him about it later. I didn't want to pressure him, but I wanted to make sure he understood that love is one of the most precious gifts out there.

“School was good. We have our first game next weekend…” he said, his eyes looking a bit sad and I knew what he was thinking. Would I be there? Would Mike be there?

“I will be there. No matter what.” and I meant it. I have never missed a game of his and I wouldn't be starting now. This cancer is taking enough from me and I won't let it take this.