Love of a Lifetime

Chapter 6

Joanna

I don't know how much more of this stuff I could take. I had already done 2 months worth of chemo and I had lost 20 pounds, my body was littered with bruises both from IV’s, the ports, and just the pressure this is all putting on me. My hair has started to fall out. What was once my best feature is disappearing. That's why I am currently in my bathroom crying with Gage's clippers in my trembling hands.

“It's just hair…” I sob to myself.

It's just hair, it will grow back. But what if it doesn't? What if it's not the same? Once this happens people will know I'm sick. They won't just think I've started some extreme diet, they won't assume that I am just clumsy. They'll know.

Rachel had suggested a wig, but my stupid pride won that battle. It would have looked too fake. Call me shallow, call me vain, but is it such a crime to just wish one part of me would stay the same? Even my willpower and my happiness has drained away.

I overheard gage talking to Rachel last night about how lifeless my eyes looked, at how exhausted I am. I thought I was doing a good job of hiding it. I thought I was being strong for them. But in reality it's not just me fighting this god damned disease. It's my entire family fighting it with me. My son, and my friends, they're battling right along with me.

I had made sure to never miss any one of Gage’s games no matter how sick I was feeling, I made sure to make every event, every conference, I wanted him to know that no matter what I was there for him but it was taking a toll on me.

The office had suggested I take a medical leave just until I'm done with chemo, but I couldn't turn down the money. I needed the money. I refused to take anything from Mike. That was his money, no matter how much he insisted I take it. Whether it was pity or his way of apologizing, I'll never know. He had finally agreed to the divorce after he learned I wouldn't be forgiving him. His one condition for the divorce was money, so I offered him to set up a trust for Gage. Since I didn't want a penny of it, it all should go to our son anyways. He got the house because I couldn't bring myself to live in those walls ever again.

My one request, my only request in this entire divorce was that if he and Lisa were to ever get into a relationship or get married she wasn't allowed around Gage or me. I didn't care who he chose to date after, but I wasn't going to allow that woman in mine or my son's life. Gage refused to even talk to her. I don't know what she's been doing these past few months, nor do I care.

Mike surprisingly though wanted nothing to do with her neither did Brian. Serves her right. But she does have one thing on me right now. She has beautiful hair. Which brings me back to these f*****g clippers. It shouldn't be this hard to shave my head. It shouldn't be this difficult to just clip it off.

I swiped the clippers through my hair in one long stroke and my hands were shaking so bad I had to take a breath. Three more strokes and each golden tendril fell to the floor. I was full on sobbing at this point, my tears coating my hollowed cheeks.

The door to the bathroom creaked open and my son cautiously peeked his head in.

My eyes met his and he had a resolute, yet somber look on his face. He gently grabbed the clippers from my hands and stood behind me as he clipped my hair. My hand went to cover my mouth as he whispered reassuring words to me.

I looked in the mirror and I couldn't have been more proud of the man I was raising him to be. I saw Rachel in the mirror and she was crying too. Who knew cutting hair would be so god damned emotional. She came into the room when I nodded and she gripped my hands tight.

No one said anything, and no one made a sound. The only sound was the buzzing of the clippers and the occasional sniffle from myself. Another stroke or two and he was done and wiped the remaining hairs from my head, shoulders and neck.

I ran my hands over my head and felt the fuzz that remained. There were a few bald patches from where the hair had already fallen out, but for the most part it was peach fuzz.

“You still look beautiful.” Rachel said to me, cupping my cheeks.

The next day at work I had received so many stares. I was wearing a fleece cap on my head and my penciled in eyebrows were a dead give away. Rachel had assured me that I still looked like a milf and I gagged at her. I was even more exhausted today than usual and had a hard time even walking from one exam room to the next.

It was lunch time for most everyone in the office but I couldn't even think of food. Just the smell of it made me want to rush off to vomit. Thankfully the patient schedule was clear for the next couple of hours, so I took the time to relax at the front desk enjoying the sunlight coming in from the big bay windows.

The warmth from the light heated my skin in ways that my body could no longer do at the moment. It was serene. It was amazing. It was so relaxing.

I looked at my apple watch and saw there was still a good 30 minutes left before anyone really came back from lunch and decided to step outside to enjoy the last few warm days of the year. However, as I stood up from the desk and took a few steps I got extremely lightheaded. The room started to spin. I didn't get very far before I was collapsing on the ground and completely blacking out.

I don't know how long I have been down. I don't know if I was still down. All I knew was I had absolutely no energy. Not even enough to open my eyes. Was I even breathing?

I could hear a frantic whine and something wet hitting my face repeatedly. The smell was awful. Whatever it was, I was being nudged, shook, and jostled. I could hear muffled words and commands, but I couldn't make out what was being said and who was doing the talking.

I heard shouting and sirens, but I just couldn't move. I could feel myself being lifted and carried, but I didn't know who or where. I could feel my body going limp. I could hear crying around me. I was starting to drift in and out. It wasn't long before I was completely out.

There was an obnoxious beeping, my throat was dry, my body was in pain, overall I wouldn't recommend it. I tried to pry my eyes open, but the crust on my lashes sealed them shut. Lifting my hand to wipe my eyes I could feel the IV tube taped to my skin. I hate hospitals. I hate the sadness that they can bring.

I finally get my eyes open and blink away the sleepies. The room was dark and there were several flower vases sitting on the table next to me. The blinds were shut not letting the light in and it smelled like disinfectant in here.

There was soft snoring to my right and I saw Gage asleep in the chair next to the bed with his arms crossed over his chest and his hat pulled low. I knew how much it sucked not being able to sleep, so I chose not to wake him.

I looked around for any indication on what time or day it was when I saw the white board in the room with the date written as saturday. I had been out for 4 days. Jesus Christ. What the hell happened?

There was shouting in the hallway that caught my attention. “Jesus christ I wish he would shut the f**k up already!” Gage's rumbly voice pierced the silence.

“Who?” the sound of my voice startled him and he sat up, stiff as a board. He was looking at me like I was a ghost who had reappeared. I guess in a way I kind of was.

He jumped out of his seat and ran for the glass sliding door shouting. “She's awake!”

Within seconds the door was opened further revealing Brian in his white coat and scrubs grabbing his stethoscope. What shocked me more was seeing Mike trail behind him into the room. He looked pissed but relieved at the same time.

“Welcome back, Jo.” Brian smiled while looking me over. Poking and prodding, shining lights in and out of my eyes.

“What happened?”

Brain sat on the edge of the bed and looked serious for a moment. “You caught the flu. The chemo had made you more susceptible to getting sick, but your body was just in overload. Things were touch and go for a bit. I won't lie to you, but your fever is down, and your labs are getting better each day. When did you start feeling sick?”

“I don't really remember. I just remember feeling more tired than usual. Maybe a bit more nauseous. I just thought it was all the chemo.”

I heard Mike release a frustrated breath. “Why didn't you tell anyone you were sick?”

“One, it's not your business. Two, I did tell people. And three it's not something I want the world to know.”

He scoffed. “This is serious, Joanna. You have f*****g cancer. You are working yourself to death. You can't be Wonder Woman all of the time. You should have told me. I would have helped you more. I would have…”

“Do you ever wonder why I was at your office that day all those months ago? I was going to tell you. I had just found out about my cancer 5 minutes before I found out you were having an affair so excuse me for not wanting to reopen that wound. You lost all rights to knowing about my personal life when you cheated. If it doesn't concern Gage, then my life doesn't concern you.” I could tell my words had hurt him by the way he recoiled.

“Let everybody take a breath. Jo, you can't get worked up. Not right now. Breathe. Mike, chill the f**k out. Gage, can you grab a nurse and have them get your mom some water?” he left the room, not before glaring at Mike, but I knew Brian didn't want him here to witness anymore than he had to.

“Both of you need to chill out and take a breath. understand?”