With the Wrong Man

Five

I lay in bed just staring at the ceiling, my babies sleeping soundly beside me. I roll on my side, careful not to wake them and stare at their beautiful little faces and my soul feels tormented.

I know they have a right to know. I know Aden has a right to know. I can’t help but think, what about me? What about what I want. What about what I need.

The snide little voice in my head reminds me that for the past five years, I have had it the way I wanted. The other part of me knows that’s not the case, I have just been afraid, and I have let that fear take the steering wheel. It has become a ruling force in my daily life.

Unable to sleep, I creep my way downstairs and put the kettle on. Tea always calms me down when I’m upset like this.

I wrap my hands around my warm mug, and I stare at my phone on the table in front of me. The blank screen suddenly feels different. It’s taunting me almost. I was debating whether I should look Aden up on f*******: or not. The twins had only started asking about him today, but I also knew that I had made a promise to them. Even if they didn’t remember it, I did.

Flashback

“Push, Hannah, push, you can do this.” the midwife urged, and I screamed in pain, sweaty and exhausted. I was pushing with everything I had, bearing down like my life depended on it. Nothing I had ever been through could compare to this awful pain.

“Come one, baby. You can do it.” my mother brushed my hair out of my eyes as she encouraged me the best she could. What on earth did they think I was doing? I was damn well pushing.

“Come on, Hannah, the first heads already out, one more big push, and you’ll have a baby.” she better be freaking right because this was awful. I didn’t have much left.

“I am pushing you, old bat.” I instantly felt terrible. It wasn’t her fault. “ I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” I sobbed at the poor woman who was just trying to help. It wasn’t like this was her doing.

“Iv heard way worse, honey, trust me. It’s okay.” She was very forgiving. I appreciated that.

I threw my head back, one last deep breath and I pushed with everything I had left in me. I couldn’t grasp the bed rails any tight if I wanted to. Seconds later, the room was filled with cries, and it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard in my life. He was here. He was safe, alive, wiggly.

“Congratulations, it’s a boy.” the midwife lifted him and placed him straight on my chest, covered in the placenta, blood and all. I had a son. I couldn’t believe it. He was perfect.

“Take a moment to rest, honey. The other one will be along in just a minute.”

Oh, I’ll need more than a minute, I thought to myself.

He was crying and flailing just a little, but he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life.

“Let me get a look at him, honey.” I could tell my mother was already smitten with him, as was I.

I moved just enough to for her to get a good glimpse at my son. A moment later, another searing pain shot through my entire being and the midwife quickly pulled my son from my arms. I instantly hated how cold and empty they felt, but I knew it was best. I didn’t want to drop him mid contraction after all.

Twenty five of the longest minutes of my life later, and my sweet, sweet little girl was placed on my chest the same way her brother has been. My son was snuggled kangaroo style with my mother. Where would I be without such an amazing woman. Tears streamed down my face.

“Oh, honey, don’t cry.” my mother fussed.

“I’m just so happy, momma.” I had truly never felt so blessed in my life. “Can I have a moment alone with the both of them, just a moment.” I pleaded tho I knew she would oblige without any fuss.

My mom handed me, my son, helping me get them both in a safe and comfortable hold. They were so tiny I couldn’t believe it.

“I’ll just go grab you a sandwich. I’ll be back in a moment.”

I didn’t realise how hungry I was until she brought it up, and suddenly I was starving. I could probably eat ten sandwiches.

“We still need to do a few checks, but we can wait for a peep. We will also have to give them a feed if you are up for it. I know it’s a lot, but the sooner, the better.” I had almost forgotten that the midwife was still here. I was so caught up in my own joy, which was only rivalled by sheer exhaustion.

I smiled down at the two gifts I’d received straight from heaven. I still couldn’t believe that they were mine. Does this feeling ever go away, the shock and awe? I hope not.

“I promise you that no matter what, I’ll do everything in my power to give you everything you need. Always. There is nothing, absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”

End of flashback.

So here I sat alone in the kitchen, that promise on my mind as much as the day I had made it.

Do they need Aden or my protection more? Was I protecting them, or was I just protecting myself? I promised there was nothing that I wouldn’t do for them, and that included doing the things I was afraid of as long as that was what was in their best interest.

I grabbed my phone immediately opened my f*******:. I didn’t have to message him. I could just take a peek right. Who was I kidding? I knew what I was going to do next. I had lost their contact information long ago. I did that on purpose. Distancing myself made it that much easier not to tell them about my secret.

I took a deep breath working up the nerve to do what I was going to. Maybe I should wake my mom up. No, I couldn’t do that. I’d just use her to talk myself out of it. Did I need to talk myself out of it? Oh, stop it, Hannah. I was good at that, at doubting everything.

I typed his name Aden Taylor into the search bar. His profile, as usual, was at the top of the list. We had several mutual friends, after all, which was why I never made a single post about my children, not even one single photo.

I clicked on the messenger button in the top right-hand corner. I stared at that single blinking blue line for what felt like hours but, in reality, was probably only a few seconds.

- Hey - send.

Lame, I know just a single word, but you got to start somewhere, right? I was taken by surprise when I got a message back almost immediately.

- Well, ain’t this a surprise:) -

I’m sure it was.

- I bet it is. Can we talk? - send.

I’m sure he was super confused at this point it has been years. I probably felt like some unwanted ghost from the past.

- I guess? What’s on ur mind?-

Ugh, I hate it when people abbreviate like that. It’s not like he was uneducated, and it would take what? Half a microsecond probably to type the two extra letters. Wow, buddy, glad you saved yourself some time. Now I was getting irrationally frustrated.

- Do you remember the last time I saw you?- send

This was already going horribly. I’m sure this was the last thing he wanted to talk about, and If he hadn’t told Emma and she read these messages, well, not exactly the best way to find out something like this, but I don’t know where else to start, and I didn’t have any other means of contacting him.

If he didn’t want her to find out, he could always delete the messages before she saw them. I was doing my part, six years too late, albeit, but once I told him the ball was at least in his court, and I wouldn’t force it either way.

- Yes, I can’t say I want to talk about it tho-

Fair enough, I thought.

- But we need to - send.

I waited by the phone for almost half an hour. I was about to give up and go to bed. If he didn’t want to hear from me, that was just fine by me, then my phone dinged. He had finally inboxed me back.

- Look, I told Emma about what happened that night. I didn’t exactly mean to, but a year or so after it happened, I couldn’t take it anymore, I felt so guilty, and she often talked about how you ghosted her, which just made me feel even worse. Not only did I cheat on the best thing that ever happened to me, but I also cost her her lifelong friend, and she didn’t even know it was my fault. She tried to forgive me at first. On top of all the other problems we were already facing at the time, it was just too much, and she left me for it. I don’t mean to be rude, Hannah, but that night cost me everything, so no, I don’t want to talk about sorry.-

So she found out anyway, and she left him. I wasn’t even there for her, although I doubt it would have been me she would have turned to anyway. However, I had finally found my resolve. It felt like a now or never type of moment. What if he blocked me and lost my only chance to tell him?

- I’m sorry, truly I am. I have so so much to be sorry for. There are not even the words. I just had to tell you about them.- send.

I quickly attached a photo of my babies from the park earlier that Reggie had sent me of them having fun. They were both smiling straight at the camera, it was the perfect photo, and I knew he would understand what I was getting at. Well, at least I hoped he would. This would could get real awkward otherwise. Then like the coward, I am I shut my phone off instantly and hurried up the stairs leaving it behind on the table like the bomb I felt it was.

Did I just blow up my life for a second time? I hope not because there was no undoing what I had just done. Mom had been right m. I panicked and made choices like this too quickly. Only time would tell now if I had made the right choice. If only there were a way to turn it back.