With the Wrong Man

What have I done? What have I done? I repeat to myself as I gather the bedsheets around my body to hide my naked self, it doesn’t alleviate any of the shame, and it doesn’t change the things I have done, and yet I feel the burning need to cover every inch of myself as if it somehow will. I reach for my dress that’s been tossed to the floor in the heat of the moment and shimmy into it under the covers. I look around for my underwear and spot them flung over the lampshade on the bedside table. Still feeling some of the effects from the copious amounts of alcohol I drank last night, I stumble twice before finally slipping my legs through the holes and almost falling, so much for slipping out of the room quietly. I hear Aden moan beside me and scramble to grab my bra and heels and flee the room before he can fully wake up. I didn’t want to have to face what I had done just yet. I didn’t want to hear him beg me to keep this a secret from his wife. I was going to already. I have tears streaming down my face as I wait for the elevator. I must look like such a mess. I’m still tipsy, I have no shoes on, and my bra is in my hand for everyone to see. Could I be any more shameful than this? I just blew up my life. I sob to myself. I just slept with my best friend's husband. How could I do such a thing? No amount of alcohol in the world could excuse what I have done, and yet I did it, and she will never forgive me. How could she? How could I even forgive myself? I was shameful. Three months later “Remove your underwear, please and lay down on the bed, ankles down, legs apart. There’s a sheet on the chair beside yourself for cover. I’ll be back in a minute.” the lovely nurse exits the room, and I start to do as she instructed as quickly as possible. Lying down on the slim uncomfortable table covering my private areas with nothing but a sheet and I can’t help but think about how I even got here. I was here, alone, for my very first ultrasound. I had always wanted a baby. I had names picked out since I was six years old. I had dreamed of my first positive pregnancy test and shopping for baby clothes. I imagined my husband by my side, and together we’d tear up as we felt our overwhelming joy hearing that heartbeat for the first time, but I didn’t have any of that. Instead, I made the mistake of drinking excessively at a social event and going home with my BFFs husband. I didn’t care about the consequences. I didn’t even manage to make sure he used protection. I cared only about living in that moment. I had acted rashly, foolishly even, and now I was having a baby all alone. The door creaked slightly as it opened, and I was brought back to the present. Wiping the lone tear quickly from my cheek, I smiled at the nurse, hoping she hadn’t noticed. If she did, she certainly didn’t say anything. “Are you ready to get started” she smiled sweetly down at me, her calm demeanour having the same effect on me. “Yes.” It came out no louder than a whisper. “ yes.” I repeated louder, Boulder, if I didn’t know any better, I almost sounded elated. “Now your just about 11 weeks along, so sometimes we use these.” she said, holding up some long skinny device for me to see. “ this transducer or little wand, as we sometimes call it, gets inserted into the v****a. It just allows us to get better readings of the baby while there still so small. Is that okay?” I just nod, lost for words, I always found these types of intrusions very daunting, and I found shutting down was the best way for me to cope with it till it was done. “Okay, I’m going in.” She warns me. Again I just nod and stare at the screen on the wall above me where I’ll see my baby for the first time. She moves the wand around a little side by side, and I bite down on the inside on my cheek and stare at the screen. She hasn’t said a word, and it’s making me nervous. I hope everything’s okay. I watch the screen as the little mouse moves to the top corner, and she clicks on a box. A list of options come down, and I see her type fetus A, Fetus A? Is that normal? I feel my palms start to sweat, and my heart starts to beat a little faster. “Excuse me.” it comes out as a squeak. “ Fetus A?” I question. She smiles down at me dubiously “ you didn’t know?” She sounds almost surprised. “Know what?” My stomach sinks a little further. “I’m so sorry I thought you knew already. Is this your first scan?” She questions. “Knew what?” I wish she would just say it already. It was my first scan, it wasn’t supposed to be, but I had missed my dating scan. I already knew when I got pregnant as it was the first and last time I had, had s*x in a long time, and I was scared. Missing my scan wasn’t going to change the fact that I was pregnant, but at the time, I wasn’t ready to confirm it yet, and so I had put it off until today, that is. “It’s twins.” She practically beams as if she isn’t delivering me the worst possible news imaginable. Twins? How the hell was I going to raise two babies all on my own? “They have their own sacks, which you can see here.” She indicates to the two darker grey areas surrounding my little babies. “ They also have their own placenta, so likely fraternal, but-” I don’t even hear the rest as she prattles on, I knew I should be listening, but I can’t. I was spinning out, big time. “Hannah... Hannah... HANNAH.” I snapped back to my senses, and she was staring at me, concern thinly veiled. “ I’m sorry.” I all but stammer. “ What were you saying?” She just gives me a very sympathetic look. “ have you got a doctor's appointment yet?” “Yes, I do. It’s next week.” My mother had been disappointed when I told her, and I just had one baby then. I hope she doesn’t kick me out or call Aden or Emma even. What would I do then? The nurse handed me a slip of paper, we talked a little more, and I cleaned myself up and slipped out the door. Flashback I’m standing in the middle of Costco, just staring at the pregnancy tests. I’d been here for at least ten minutes now. I had been throwing up for days, my period was almost two weeks late, and I was exhausted, I knew I was very likely pregnant, but I just couldn’t bring myself to buy the test. Eventually, I grab the first response and make my way to the checkout. I pay for my test and make my way straight to the bathroom. I didn’t want to wait till I got home, we only had one bathroom, and my roommate Lisa is almost always home. She is also close friends with Emma and Aden. No one but Aden and me knew about what happened that night, but still, if Lisa found out I was pregnant, she would expect me to tell Emma. After all, she was my best friend, and since Aden’s her husband, she would probably tell him too, and there was a chance he would put the two pieces together. There is a slight chance that he won’t. After all, Aden’s not too involved in my life all that much, he may think I have been sexually active with other males and not even give it any thought, or he may tell Emma about us, what if, given the circumstances, they want me to abort it? I was sad, alone and terrified, but I knew I wanted my baby. I was just having a little trouble being happy about it at the moment because of the shame I still felt about having slept with Aden in the first place. I didn’t exactly want to find out in a public restroom, but it was better than the alternative. So here I was peeing on a stick in the Costco bathroom, waiting to find out if I was going to be a mom or not. I paced back and forth, staring at the two pink lines. They appeared almost immediately. I was pregnant and with my best friend’s husbands baby. I hadn’t spoken to Aden since it happened or Emma despite the numerous missed calls and the endless streams of text messages. Even Lisa had nagged me about it. I kept coming up with excuses. The usual I’d call her after work and then when I didn’t it was I’m tired, I forgot, I’ll do it before work, I was weak, pathetic even. I couldn’t talk to her and just pretend nothing had happened, but I couldn’t tell her either, so I was avoiding what else was there. I should tell him, right? I mean, he’s going to have a baby, I should defiantly tell him. Who wouldn’t want to know that they were going to be a dad, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. It was bad enough I slept with Aden. It was worse still because he’d just found out after two years of trying and two failed I.V.F attempts that it was likely Emma would never be able to have a baby of her own. They had been crushed when they had found out, he was drinking to numb the pain, and I was drinking because he was drinking, and then he kissed me. I should have walked away, and at first, I did, but he was so drunk I offered to take him up to his hotel room, just to make sure he made it up there, then a few more drinks were had and then next thing I knew I was waking up naked in his bed with him passed out beside me. I wonder how much he remembers, but I didn’t ask. I chucked the test in the bin, a small part of me wanted to hang on to it, but I couldn’t risk Lisa finding it so out with the trash it went. I saunter out to my car, close the door and call my mom. “Hey sweetie.” she answered on the first ring. “Hey, mom.” she was going to be so disappointed in me when I told her. “What are you doing honey, I thought you weren’t going to call until the weekend?” We usually talked on the phone every Sunday afternoon. It was only Wednesday today, so it was a little out of the ordinary. “Mom, can I come home?” I sobbed. I had been doing that a lot lately. I have been running from my problems since I slept with Aden 5 weeks ago, and I was going to keep on running. It was, after all, better than the alternative. “Why?” I knew she’d ask. I haven’t lived at home since I left at 18, and that was ten years ago now. I didn’t even live in the same state anymore, which was kind of perfect. The further I could run, the better, I thought. “I don’t want to get into it over the phone, but I’m pregnant, iv messed everything up, and now I’m all alone, and I just want my mom. I need my mom. Can I come home, please?” If she let me, I would quit my job and leave first thing tonight. “Oh, honey.” I could almost hear her turmoil through the phone. The long pause was painfully awkward. “ Who’s the father?” I knew she’d ask that too. It was a reasonable question. After all, I wasn’t seeing anybody. Did I want to tell her tho? I would have to eventually, plus I needed to talk to someone, she wouldn’t be happy, she’d be furious, she loved Emma, but she wouldn’t tell her either. “I’ll tell you, mom, I will, but some things are better said in person. I don’t wanna get into it over the phone. Can I come home or not?” End of flashback She had agreed to take me in. I emailed my boss that night and booked my tickets. I left Lisa with a note, so she knew I was safe, I packed my bags, and I went. I got on the first plane out of there and have been living with my mother in Denver ever since. I cried almost every hour of every day for that first week, but then I pulled myself together, got myself a job at the local elementary school and had been working and saving my money ever since. I would need a lot of savings to take care of two newborns. As predicted, my mum wasn’t happy when I told her about Aden being the father of my baby. She tried convincing me to tell him almost non stop for days. It was all we talked about until it came to a big fight, and neither of us has brought it up since. Emma called the house one day about two weeks after I left, and my mum had answered, the phone the call had left her feeling a little sour, but If she had any negative thoughts, she kept them to herself, for which I was grateful for, I was already having a lot of those myself. Emma and I grew up together. We had always been close. She even moved out to Arizona after I did. We lived together for the first few years while we worked our way through school, she was a brilliant therapist, and I was teaching the second grade, then she met Aden and moved in with him, they got married, and I had been the maid of honour. Some maid of honour, I turned out to be right. The thing I’m most afraid of is, isn’t how hurt she would be that I slept with Aden, at first it was because she loves him so much, and it would tear her apart to know he was unfaithful, it would crush her to know that I was the one warming his bed that night but all that pales in comparison. I was pregnant, something that would likely never happen for her, in only one night. If the father had been anyone else, despite her pain, she would have been overjoyed for me. Hell, I would have been overjoyed for myself, but how could I ask her to be happy about this? I just couldn’t do it. It would destroy our friendship. Not that we had much of one left now that I had practically ghosted her. I have also been having a lot of selfish feelings. I want to be the only woman my baby cuddles when they're sick, who gets to kiss their squidgy baby cheeks and pinch their chubby baby thighs. I’m mom their only mom; if I told Aden about the baby, he would want to be involved, and if Emma were able to forgive him, she would be too, and I wanted her to be a part of my babies life, I really did, just not as a mom. I love her, but I know her, and I’m not sure she could respect my boundaries, and she would play on my guilt. I was concerned that she wouldn’t be able to forgive me. I knew that, and I accepted it, I didn’t deserve it anyway, but there would be so much tension between us that it would destroy our ability to co-parent right along with it. I was also worried that as a woman who couldn’t have kids herself that she’d see my babies as her chance and try to have more say than she should. As I said, she could very well manipulate my guilt. Apparently, I’m not just a slut, but I’m a selfish slut at that. I pulled the car up in the drive of my mother's house. It was the same house that I grew up in, old ugly red brick with a brown tiled roof and a nasty old wire fence. The garden tho was impeccable. It should be she spent so much time out here tending to it. Down each side of the path were lovely flowers. I didn’t know the name of a single of them. It was safe to say I didn’t get my mothers green thumb or my fathers patience for my moms garden enthusiasm. I miss him so much. I’m glad he isn’t around to see what I made of myself, but if he were, he would hold me tight and tell me everything’s going to be alright, and because he’s my dad and he’s always been right, I’d believe him. She always kept the lawn tidy, and out the back, she had a lovely little veggie garden. I never understood the veggie garden, and she’s got to buy the seeds and then the fertiliser, not to mention so much time and effort just for a few measly vegetables each year. I mean, honestly, wouldn’t it just be cheaper and easier to buy them directly from the store? I brought this up with her one day, and all I was got was “fresh is best”. I honestly could not taste the difference, but it would hurt her feelings to tell her that, and there was no sense in being rude. I made my way up the steps. I paused for a few minutes in front of the door, and I knew she was excited to hear about the ultrasound. I was just nervous to tell her that it was twins. Time to start ripping off the band-aids, I guess. I opened to door and was almost immediately swallowed in her warm embrace. I took in a deep breath, she always smelled of lavender, and it was always calmed when I was sad. She was an amazing mother. “So how did it go?” she asked, holding me at arm's length. “You ready for the surprise of your life?” A look of confusion spread across her face, but before she had the chance to ask, I blurted out, “ITS TWINS” I held my breath, nervous for her reaction. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” she screamed, excited. Excited? I would never have guessed. Maybe I have just been pushing my feelings onto her about this pregnancy, or perhaps she’d just come around. “Mom, calm down.” I chuckled. It truly warmed my heart to see her so happy. We had been so caught up in all the guilt and pity and feared that we hadn’t stopped to appreciate what we, what I had to be happy about. At that moment, I made a promise to myself. I would focus on the things I had to be pleased about. Yes, I totally blew up my old life, and even tho it was cowardly to run, I was in Denver now, and I was going to have a family, and I was going to love being a mum. I placed my hand on my tummy, and I spoke to my babies for the very first time. “I love you, and no matter what happens, I’m here, and everything’s going to be okay, I promise.”