Hapuch's Diary

My friends

I was happy I got my friend back. when I got home, I inclined my body towards the nightstand on the left side of my bed and grabbed my phone. I laid on my back supporting my head with a pillow, as I clicked on the f*******: icon.

I had several notifications, eight of which were new friend requests. Quickly, I accepted their request. and my phone chime: new messages. I clicked on it and it was,

"Parvis Lopez and Valencia! wow!" These were my classmates and neighbours. I sat up folding my legs in yoga style before sending "Hi" to them.

I then clicked on the search box, searched 'Blonde Barbie' and Babette's profile popped up. I swiped up slowly, viewing her pictures. "Nice!" I mumbled.

There were pictures of her and Macario hugging. There were others with Diana and Eliana- Babette's new best friends. Unlike Diana who lived on the next street, Eliana lived across the bridge. 

 I tapped on their usernames and sent a friend request. Without a second thought, I sent a request to Babette. 

In no time, notifications and messages multiplied, "Amazing!" Babette accepted my friend request and sent messages. Soon, were chatting.

"OMG! You have a phone now."

"It was a gift from dad," I replied. 

"Did you point a g*n at him?"

"Lol. why would I do that?" I simpered and laid back on the bed.

"I imagined you broke the camel's back to get it."

"The Carmel’s back was broken, but not by me."

"What then?" She added a confused face emoji.

"By life."

Minutes passed and there was no message from her. I guessed she did not know what to reply.

"So how is life after graduation?" I asked.

"I became a mother to my sisters." 

After sending a joy emoji, I added, "you're damn ready for matrimony, girl."

"LOL. You can say that again." She laughed.

I would type and delete multiple times, trying to keep up the conversation. Soon enough, we were talking about graduation day and the crazy after-party, which I missed.

Our discussion progressed steadily until she told me about her grades. It was amazing that she had good grades. How could I conceal my results from her?

I then thought, besides my family, no other knew my grades, what difference would it be to add one more person to the list. And this was my folly. Never did I expect what was coming.

The next day was a blast, I was overwhelmed to see a host of friends streaming to my home with bottles of alcoholic beverages, snacks, gaming consoles, MP3 music boxes, disposable cups and more.

Among those that came for the party were, Valencia and her boyfriend Paulo, Patricia and Rafael, Macario and Babette, Christiano and Salma, and two others.

 It was fun at first. I remember winning a fighting game, dancing to Michel Telò song - Barà beré and other songs, and drinking alcohol for the first time. The was exciting until my guest were all paired up, smooching and enjoying themselves; while I sat in my room alone.

The second time I hosted the party, Eliana and her boyfriend, Lucio and two others joined in. There was much frolicking and I could tell neighbours wondered what went on behind closed doors. I still wondered how they got their parents' permission to hang out all night.

It was difficult being the only girl without a boyfriend, but it wasn't bothering me so much. Sadly, The unexpected happened when my long time crush, Parvis Lopez joined the party with his girlfriend Diana.

I was temporarily disoriented at the sight of them, and at that moment, I understood my reasons for disliking Diana even when she did me no wrong. 

I couldn't seat there watching her kissed the length and breadth of his lips. So I hid in my room. 

All the while, Parvis had his eyes on me, so did Lucio- Eliana's boyfriend. I only realised this when Lucio tried to touch me against my will and Parvis stepped in and defended me. This resulted in a brawl between the two.

The party ended disastrously as the fight escalated, drawing attention to the others in the sitting room and possibly neighbours. How ironic it was to have two guys fighting over me in the presence of their girlfriends! 

When Eliana, learnt that I was the reason behind their fight, she lashed angrily at me, exposing the sad truth, that the reason for the gathering was not because of me, nor was it a reunion party.

It was their means of having their escapade without their parents' knowledge. My name was simply an excuse to leave their homes and my cabin was the perfect venue for an unsuspected club.

For a moment, I thought that was the worst until Diana insulted me by exposing my national exam scores.

 How did she know? I wondered. 

Besides my family, the only person who knew this was Babette. It was clear how Diana learnt of my result; Babette was Diana's best friend. 

I was furious beyond my control, to the point of chasing them out. Babette tried explaining but I wouldn't give way to reason.

A range of feelings flooded my mind; from betrayal to stupidity, and shame. I was too desperate for friendship, too trusting and naive. I wanted to fit in, so badly that I undermine my true nature and ideals. 

The result of my desperation was abandonment c*m loneliness.

Weeks passed and life went on. Like a roller coaster sailing against the tides, I lived away from everything and everyone. I would not listen to Babette nor would I speak with my guardian, Madam Eunice. I hid from Diogo and refrained from speaking regularly with my parents and Jochebed.

 I felt lost in my world and nothing made sense anymore. Only dark clouds of weariness and fear lurked around, shading me from all rays of positivity. 

My days grew darker as most of my peers, including Babette, left for college. My hope was hanging on a thin line made of weak thread. The Consuming fear that I might not get into college, had eaten deep into my skin causing dilapidating sores.

In time, I had an apathetic response to sleep, food, and slowly life. Then the nightmares began and my world became the silent hill. I concluded that I was unworthy of love, not from my family nor my friends. I would lay in bed all day long, writing about my misery.

Then one dark night, like no other; it was dangerously cold and rainy. The clap of thunder was an unwanted spice that multiplied my fright. However, it could not be compared to the raging storm in my head. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't stay awake. I was burning inside and my heart and head ached till I began to cry. 

I had worn an oversized yellow T-Shirt and a black jogger yet I felt hot despite the cold. Evidently, it was my troubled soul emitting the fiery sensation from the many thoughts in my head. 

The pain was too much to bear, I was dying. I held my head with both hands trying to shut the harrowing thoughts. It was like many voices speaking hurtful words at the same time,

"You failed..."

"You're alone..."

"You're worthless..."

"No one loves you, no one wants you..."

"You've been a burden to mum and dad." "That's why they left you."

"You should be ashamed of yourself..."

"I hate you! I hate you!"

"No! No!" I screamed, "Please No!" I collapsed into my bed shutting my ears. I cried profusely, like a child, cupping my head and hiding underneath the red duvet. 

I could not take it anymore. Not only was I sick of life, but I was also sick of being a burden, a shame, and alone. At that point, there was only one solution to my torment. Ending it all, was my escape from madness.