Hapuch's Diary

The rainy night

Present Time.

I stood in the small size shower which was carved out, in a corner of the small rustic bathroom.  

The bathroom was so small that it barely contains my stretched legs, nonetheless, within its wooden walls were the necessary facilities of a cabin bathroom: a toilet and a small size mirror that stood above a dull white sink.

I let the warm water avalanched down my temples. Each drop reverberated the creepy thought of telling my parents the truth about college. It was killing me slowly, and I'd became more miserable than I was, three days ago; when I received the letter.

Keren, why did you lie? My inner voice tormented, why did you lie?!

 I held my ears, facing the wall as the protest and blaming continued in my mind. My face twitched, wrinkling as I shut my eyes tightly. 

The voice echoed, You could have told them. You could have told them... told them.

“No! I didn't mean to. I didn't know!” I screamed way louder forcing the answer through my mouth, "I was afraid. I was ashamed!" I gasped as the showers drizzled down mixing up with tears. 

How long will you keep it from them? Soon the world will know you were rejected in all the colleges you applied in!

"No! No!" I screamed, slouching onto the floor, "No! please!" I cried.

The memories of that dark, rainy night came surging into my head. It was like an overwhelming cloud encompassing my very being. The same stale feeling of fear lurked; the same loneliness. I recalled;

(Flashback)

The deafening blare of thunder threw me off balance and I shuddered under the red duvet and my pillow. 

I was always afraid of thunder. When I was younger, I would run to my parents' room to seek protection. And mom would hug me tautly, while dad would pat me softly till I was carried away by sleep. 

“Is this a sign?” I was afraid of thunder still, I was willing to end my life. Maybe, just maybe, the rain was the answer.

After the first few seconds of silence passed, I got up, scanned around for my diary and pen. It was at the edge of the bed. I picked it up and placed it on my thigh, then I began writing. 

"Dear Diary,

Fear is the crippling disease that infested me, and this fear will lead to my doom. I was born on a rainy night, yet I am afraid of the night. It seems my fears have become the hunter and me, the hunted.

I was afraid of being alone; I became alone. I was afraid of failure and I failed. I was afraid of being a burden; I became one. I am afraid of getting rejected from college, still, the what-ifs, is more real than reality.

Why am I frightened? Whatever or whoever knows, answer me. Please answer me."

Tears shimmered in my eyes and it dropped like a leaky basket. I lost grip of my pen and folded on my side. I cried profusely and continued to pine for solace.

Besides the pattering of the rain, was the tic of the faulty clock's. At each passing second, the ancient timepiece which was stuck oddly on the sitting room wall resounded like an opera concert.

In the haze of my confusion, I grabbed a stool in my room, rushed to the sitting room, climbed on it and took down the noisy clock.

I waved all my misdirected anger on the clock, slamming it repeatedly on the wall until it stopped. Sadly, the relief was only momentary.

I sat on the floor resting my back on the wall as I cried. The pain would not go away, neither would the aches of my bleeding heart.

Then, like a malfunctioning zombie, I opened the door, letting the chill breeze into my soul. for a jiffy I watched the streaks of rain falling rhythmically as it watered the earth and blessed the universe.

 The rain didn't need me but I needed it. Without a second thought, I pushed my slim figure under the wet dark sky. Running into the depth of the rain as it washed partly my sins and the sins of Douro valley. 

While the world slept, I ran. While the sky rained, I cried. I kept running like a Jackal in flight. All I needed, was peace; the peace, which always evaded me.