Hapuch's Diary

Finding me

The mountain's breeze assisted me, letting the tall trees push and pull the rain back and forth. Lashing sometimes at itself or the poor cabin by the roadside or at me. It produced the buzzy and hoarse sound which could not frighten me. 

I kept running drenched to my kidney, supported only by the yellow extra large T-Shirt and black joggers.

I didn't feel the cold nor the rain-bucket that flooded my very essence. I thought to myself, 'tonight, I had two options: run away from myself or my pain.'

I had gone far into the dark, away from the narrow street that led to my home. I had gone way down the slopes towards the lonely road leading to the montane woods.

Evidently, this was not a place for a night jog, I kept running despite the several blasts of thunder. For the first and last time in my life, I would not fret the loud clap of thunder. 

I was at the crossroad, where the ancient monumental rock stood strong, by the road that led to the four cardinal routes in Southern Douro valley. 

I saw something, maybe, someone, and I was temporarily frozen. Shocked to my veins, as a high-speed automobile darted from the other side of the road and stopped forcefully by the conscious timing of the person behind the wheel. 

With the glistening headlight that protruded into my dark world, my eyes widened temporarily devoid of the reflex responsible for blinking. 

My brown wavy hair laid pitifully on each side of my oval face, descending below my full firm breasts which stood in defiance to the cold. I breathed heavily after a few seconds with my hands tied to my sides. 

I gave a blank stare at the vehicle, thinking of nothing; a condition that was utterly impossible for me to be in, even for a nanosecond. 

Here I was, standing before an unknown shadow. Whoever was behind the wheel was just like me, we dared to defy the night, and trespassed into the rain. Nonetheless, I had faced death, yet lived. What more would I fear?

In this transcending moment, that remained the longest moment of my life, I realized certain truth that shaped my thoughts till this day.

 I realized that there was a thin line between fear and pain. I was not afraid of dying but I was afraid of pain.

Dying was not the answer I sought, rather, facing the cause of my pain was the answer. 

Running away was not the answer. Healing the wounds in my heart, righting my wrongs and accepting my fate was the answer.

I pushed my sad self sluggishly off the road changing my aimless journey to a purposeful one. I lurched like a drunk cat, then gained mastery of my legs and paced faster.

 The person behind the wheels bothered to leave the comfort of his vehicle just to meet me. I didn't even bother to turn back, nor be in any way close. I began my race again while he kept calling out.

"Hey!...hey! Are you okay?" His voice was shaky, I couldn't hear him very well, neither could I see him in the dark.

I ran swiftly up the slopes and cornered to the street which led to the Edmundos resident.

 Except for the peaceful clash of raindrops against the roof and the freezing breeze that hissed, the place was quiet to a fault.

 The street illuminated above beautiful dark lawns. It was hard to tell the difference between the various houses, for there were similar in architecture.

The Edmundo's home was the fifth building on the right. When I saw his faded-white 1999 Ford pickup truck, parked adjacent to the main entrance; I was certain that it was at the right house.

After ringing the doorbell a third time, Mr Edmundo answered,

"Quem está aí?" 

His hoarse voice sounded a little distant and weary. He had asked "who was there", in a mixed-up Portuguese tongue. I was certain, it was the handy work of sleep. I replied without bothering to understand what he meant.

"It's I, Kerenhappuch," I said in between clattering teeth. I looked around, tightened my arms against my body as the cold spread over me.

He said nothing loud enough to be heard so I requested calmly, 

"I want to see Ma'am Eunice." A few seconds later, I heard footfalls and a creaking sound. Mr Edmundo opened the door.

"Keren! what are you-" He stopped mid-sentence after having a closer look at me, he asked, "what happened to you?" His full untrimmed brows raised, widening his darting eyes at the thought that I was standing before him at that time of the night. 

He took a glance at my surrounding, without waiting for an answer he immediately told me,

"Come right in," widening the door to let me through.

"Please, can I see Ma'am Eunice?" I requested calmly without moving an inch.

"My wife's inside." He said looking slightly confused,

"Please let me speak to her here," I said.

"You seem troubled. What is the matter?" 

"I won't go in until she asks me to," I concluded. Warm tears dropped from my drenched eyes and I quickly wiped it with the back of my hand. I'm sure he was touched by my last words as he refrained from persuading me any further.

"I will get her right away." He said.

Behind him was his wife, standing across the sitting room, in a silky pink nightgown.

She dashed to the door with a large green towel in her hand; saying nothing as she enclosed me in the towel. It covered me from my head down to my waist. 

I struggled to say what I intended, gasping cold air into my lungs. I was freezing and slightly trembling from the cold. Mrs Eunice looked at me with sad eyes, as she busied with wiping the stream of water that flowed from my head.

"I came to say I was wrong. You have been good to me, but I treated you with little respect. I was- I was," I quivered,

 "I was angry not with you but with whoever took my parents away from me." I swallowed and inhaled sharply, 

"I was afraid you wanted to take my mum's place and I felt I would be a burden, hence, you would leave, just like everyone."  

I wiped my tears and continued, "I realized that, I was the problem, not you. and I'm sorry for my actions."

I couldn't speak anymore. I opened my mouth; instead of words, a loud trigger of a semi- sob crippled my speech. 

She held me in an embrace and said softly, "It will be alright, my dear."

"I'm sorry..." I said, in between my sob.

"It's okay Honey, please come inside."

"Have you forgiven me?" I asked innocuously.

"I forgave you a long time ago, I'm not angry with you. I only wanted you to make peace with the fact that you are in this mess for real." She glanced with teary eyes at me and continued,

"It's not easy for you, I know. But you will get through this, we will get through this together." Pulling me to herself as she led me inside. 

Mr Edmundo just looked silently at the drama that unfolded. Just before returning to his room he commented, 

"Keren, remember that you are not alone, we will always be here for you."

I simply nodded as my temple became aware of the consequence of running in the rain. I was shivering, my teeth clattered, ruining my effort to speak. 

That night was significant in my life, ringing a bell of beautiful memories of good people, tightly packed with the depressing deed of a new adult.

After having a warm bath, she gave me a hot cup of green tea and a set of flowery pyjamas. I had to join 6 years old Mark in his bed because there was no extra room.

For the first time since my parents' departure, I slept peacefully free from nightmares and frequent breaks in my sleep. I still wondered about the person who almost knocked me down. Who was he?