Sulleimani, Sirius Jaxon (Book 2 of His Serenity)

Chapter 3

I laughed, cried, and got mad with the scenes in the movies I’ve watched for the day. Subalit hindi sapat ang mga iyon upang makalimutan ang sakit na naramdaman kaninang umaga. The beautiful smile of that girl on Sirius’ phone keeps flashing in my mind and the more I think of her, the more she’s becoming beautiful. As a result, mas nabi‒bitter ako sa sarili. The less that I see myself. 

I am not as beautiful as her. I don’t have that sweet smile. In short, I’m insecure. 

Ngunit ganunpaman, alam ko sa sarili na hindi dapat ganito ang nararamdaman ko. Ten long years had passed. Maaaring girlfriend niya iyon. At alang‒alang sa pinagsamahan namin noon ay magiging masaya ako para sa kanya ― para sa kanila. 

Nang mapuna ang nagdidilim na kalangitan sa labas ay nagpasya akong lumabas at bumaba upang maghanda ng hapunan. I was both expecting and not to see him. Ngunit nang makita siyang abala sa kusina ay natigilan ako. He made a sideways glance in my direction after feeling my presence. Ganoon din ang mga yapak ko na natigilan sa presenya niya. 

Nang magtama ang mga mata namin ay wala na rin akong nagawa kundi ang tuluyang pumasok. Napuna ko pa ang pagnguso niya upang itago ang ngiti na hindi ko naman mawari kung para saan. Minabuti ko na balewalain iyon.

“May… maitutulong ba ako?” marahan kong tanong at nagsimulang maghanap ng maaaring gawin ngunit mukhang patapos na siya at hinihintay na lang na maluto ang nakasalang sa stove. 

“I don’t want to be responsible for the princess’ cuts and burns,” he taunted without looking at me. Tumigil ako sa paghahanap sa paligid na dahilan sana upang maiwasan ang tingin niya. Kumunot ang noo ko ngunit hindi niya puna dahil sa akin nakaharap ang kanyang malapad na likod. 

I bit my lower lip and ignored the remark as well. “Marunong naman ako kahit papaano sa gawaing kusina. Hindi ko lang napagtuunan nang mabuti ang pagluluto.”

“Sure, princess.” He nodded. “Please, wait in the dining area and I’ll serve the food in a minute.” 

Kahit pa balewalain ko ay kitang‒kita naman na may problema. It’s his tone and the way he talks to me. It reveals so much of his bitterness. 

“Jaxon, please, we can’t stay like this forever. May nagawa ba akong hindi maganda para maging―”

His rich chuckle echoed around the room. I got a bit worried about my dad hearing him. He must have noticed the reaction through my eyes because he lifted one challenging brow. 

“I only want you to wait in the dining with your dad. I don’t see any reason for the princess to throw tantrums.”

I gaped in disbelief but made sure to bite my lower lip to not make my reaction too visual. I shook my head in disappointment. “This is rude, Jaxon. You don’t have to be this…”

He took menacing steps towards me. Wala sa sarili akong napaatras. Iyon marahil ang dahilan ng pagngisi niya ― o ang kunot sa aking noo. Hindi ako sigurado pero isa lang ang alam ko: he surely likes to annoy me now. 

And this was not the Jaxon I know. He was everything but playful. It was too late for me to realize that the smirk was a bitter one. I blinked at the unspoken anger clouding his eyes. It only lasted for a second and more like an illusion to me now. 

“I don’t know what’s rude with me telling the princess to wait for the food in the dining room so she won’t get hurt.”

Wala sa sarili akong napailing at dingunaw ang maliit na espasyo sa pagitan namin. “Jaxon, you know what I mean―”

“You should wait outside,” putol niya sa akin at mariin akong tinitigan dahilan nang mabilis na pag-urong ng aking dila. “Prepare the table. I’ll bring out the food once they’re ready,” daggdag niya at tumalikod upang balikan ang niluluto. Tuluyan na akong natahimik nang maramdaman ang pagbabago at pagbigat ng hangin sa paligid. Tumango ako sa sarili at tahimik na sumunod sa utos. 

He never joined us with the meal. Wala rin akong lakas ng loob na alukin siya o sabihan sa daddy. Technically, he’s our worker, and our staff naturally don’t eat with us. Hindi ako sanay sa sitwasyon. Alam ko na ganoon din siya at anuman ang dahilan niya para gawin ito ay hindi pa malinaw sa akin. 

He left us after serving the food, and that’s when I felt at ease to devour his food. Totoong magaling na siyang magluto. 

Habang nasa kalagitnaan ng pagkain ay naalala kong muli ang babaeng katawagan niya. Maaring marunong din ang babaeng iyon na magluto. Maaring siya ang nagturo kay Jaxon. Maaring iyon ang pinag-uusapan nila kanina. How great it is to have someone who’s as good as you at something. You have someone to share the ideas, the excitement, and everything. 

“You don’t like the food?” tanong ni daddy nang mapuna marahil na tahimik ako. Umiling ako at ginalaw ang pagkain. 

“I like it. He’s really good.”

“He is.” He nodded. “Kung gusto mo ay maaari ka naman sigurong magpaturo sa kanya tutal ay wala naman gaanong gawain dito sa isla. Para may mapaglibangan kayong dalawa. Kung gusto mo na lang naman. Now, if you’re not comfortable with him, he’s following my order. Hindi siya gaanong lalapit sa iyo at kung maaari ay huwag magtatama ang landas ninyo. It’s like when you were a kid. Ngayon ay iisa na nga lang.”

Mataimtim akong nakinig kahit pa sa totoo lang ay lumilipad ang isipan ko kay Sirius at kung saan siya kakain. I don’t think I’ll have the courage to bring him food again. Siguro naman ay kaya na niya ang sarili. Baka nga naghihintay lang siya ng tawag ng girlfriend niya para sabay na silang kumain ng tanghalian. 

“Bakit po siya lang?” tanong ko ilang sandali. “We still have contacts with our men before. Bakit po siya lang? Bakit isa lang?” Because I’m sure the other men will recognize Sirius. They will surely tell my dad. 

“We’ve talked about it. Hind ba nga at pinagbakasyon mo sina Candy dahil gusto mo na tayo lang ang nandito? I chose among my men and it happened he’s knowledgeable and skilled with lots of things.”

“I…” I bit my lower lip and stared at daddy who’s looking straight ahead as he busied himself with food. “What’s his name again, dad?”

Kumunot ang kanyang noo. “SJ?... Why? Gusto mo ba na ipakilala kita sa kanya?”

Mabilis akong umiling. “Hindi na po kailangan.”

After lunch ay hindi pa rin bumabalik si Sirius. Nang matapos kami ay iniligpit ko ang pinagkainan at naghugas kahit pa sinabi ni daddy na si Sirius na rin ang gagawa. He knows I can do it. Ayaw niya lang akong nahihirapan. Masyadong simple iyon lalo pa at kaming dalawa lang naman ang kumain para mahirapan ako. 

Isa pa, kahit ibang tao ang kasama namin at hindi si Sirius, I will insist to help with some works. Habang wala si Sirius ay gagawin ko na ang mga kaya kong gawin. I feel like things like these would be a struggle between us facing each other. 

It was afternoon, and he’s still not back. Hindi ko mapigilang isipin na baka iniiwasan niya ako. Pero kung ganoon nga, bakit naman siya magtatrabaho rito hindi ba? 

Finally, I got distracted by a call on the phone. Nasa sala iyon kaya agad akong nagtungo upang sagutin all the while wondering who it could be. 

“Uhm, yes, hello?”

“Hi, can I― Serene?” It was a man’s voice, and it took me seconds to recognize it. Hindi naman kase ako sanay na naririnig ang boses niya over the phone.

“Israel?”

I heard his gasp of relief. Napangiti ako ngunit hindi nawala ang pagtataka sa dahilan ng pagtawag niya. “Yes, how are you?”

“Ayos lang naman. May problema ba? May mali ba sa huling pinasa ko? May kulang ba?”

He chuckled. “Relax. All your work is fine, as always. I just called to…” Sandali siyang nagdalawang-isip kaya tahimik lang akong nakinig at nag-isip na rin ng maaring dahilan ng pagtawag niya. “You know, it’s my birthday this coming Friday, and I was wondering if you can―”

“Your birthday?” I exclaimed in a whisper. “I… I didn’t know. You didn’t tell me.” Kung sana ay pinagpaliban ko muna ng ilang araw ang pag-uwi rito sa isla para sa kaarawan niya. In fact, it got out of my mind. Nawala sa isip sa ko na ngayong buwan din iyon. Uminit ang pisngi ko nang mapagtanto at hindi ko man lang iyon nabanggit sa kanya nang umalis ako. 

“Yeah, well… I know a lot was going on with your family. I called to… remind you. Kung hindi ka makakapunta ay ayos lang. You’re not obligated to...”

“I…” Israel's next words failed to register on her as her eyes caught Sirius outside through the glass window and parted drapes. Naglalakad sa may buhanginan, nakadungaw at abala sa kanyang cellphone. Patungo siya sa bahay ngunit tila kabisado na ang daraanan nanatiling nakatungo sa cellphone. He did not even notice me watching him and how he had caught my attention off Israel. Natauhan lang ako nang tawagin ni Israel ang pangalan sa kabilang linya. 

“Hey, are you still there? Serene?... Mahina ba ang signal?”

Umiling ako sa sarili at inilihis ang paningin kay Sirius. “Uh… maayos naman ang signal. Naiintindihan kita nang maayos. Kaya lang, Israel, hindi ako sigurado kung makakarating ako. I could have moved my plan of going home here for your birthday but I honestly totally forgotten, I’m sorry. Ngayon nandito na ako ay hindi ako sigurado. I don’t really want to leave my dad…”

“Hey, hey! It’s fine. No need to worry. I’m just… pinaalala ko lang. I know you’d feel bad if I told you late. You got to know early so you can greet me.” His laughter was a bit shaky. Ngumiwi ako dahil na rin sa kahihiyan. I turned down his invite but he can’t blame me. 

“I’m really sorry, Israel. I hope makabawi ako sa’yo. Anyway, advanced happy birthday. You know I’d be there if I can, I’m sorry, I can’t.”

“It’s fine,” he insisted. “No worries… how are you there? How’s your dad?”

“Ayos lang naman. Feels home. Ayos lang din si daddy.” Ngumiti ako sa kanyang concern. I never got to introduce them to my dad, but they know so much about my family. Hindi rin naman sa mahilig akong magkwento. Kung minsan ay nagugulat na lang ako kung paano nalalaman sa trabaho ang mga pangyayari sa pamilya namin. But more than anything, I’m grateful for their concern. 

Israel was trying to reach me with my phone, but I left it in my room and still not gotten my hand on it since morning. Napilitan siyang kunin ang main contact dito sa isla sa opisina para matawagan ako. Nang matapos ang tawag ay agad kong hinahanap si Sirius pero nawala na siya. Hindi na rin pumasok sa loob kaya hindi ko na napuna kung saan nagtungo. Imbis ay si daddy ang nakita kong nakaupo sa sofa. His eyes were directed ahead; his hands were on a hot cup of coffee. 

Hapunan nang mapagtanto ko na iniiwasan ako ni Sirius. I don’t understand why.  Simula kaninang tanghali ay ayaw na niyang magpakita sa akin. Nang subukan kong tumulong sa paghahanda ng hapunan ay agad siyang tumalikod bilang pambabalewala sa presensya ko. I tried to understand. Hinayaan ko siya room at nirespeto ang kagustuhang iyon. Besides, he’s here for work. We don’t have to get along well kagaya ng sabi ni daddy. It’s just… we know each other, and I have questions. 

The next day, I woke up an hour earlier than I’m used to for breakfast. Subalit nang makarating sa kusina ay naroon na kaagad si Sirius, abala at bagong paligo. I tiptoed my way behind him at dahil alam kong alam niyang narito ako ay dumireto na rin para magtimpla ng kape. 

No one was speaking between us. It’s just silence at ang tunog ng mga kasangkapang ginagamit. It’s just the aroma of the food and his shower gel in the air. It’s been years pero sigurado ako na ang gamit ko dating bath soap ang gamit niya. And I don’t want to think anything about it. 

“Hindi kita pinagbabawalan sa kahit na ano, Princess. You can do what you wish. I trust your decision,” simula ni daddy nang nasa hapag kaininan na kami. Palihim kong pinanood ang pag-alis ni Sirius. Hindi ko talaga alam kung saan at anong oras siyang kumakain. Hindi rin naman niya gustong kinakausap ako kaya hindi ko maitanong nang maayos ang tungkol sa bagay na iyon. 

I frowned at my dad and his words. Kumalabog ang aking dibdib sa pag-aakalang si Sirius ang tinutukoy niya ngunit alam kong nagkakamali ako kaya mabilis ding kinalma ang sarili. “What do you mean, dad?”

“I heard your call last night,” pag-amin niya. “Was it a friend? Birthday? Hindi naman malayo ang Manila, iha. You can go there whenever you wish. You’re free to leave the island anytime you want, unlike before. I hope you didn’t think you’re letting go of your freedom by coming here.”

Hindi pa siya tapos ay umiiling na ako. Minabuti lang na tapusin muna niya ang sasabihin bago ako sumagot. “It’s not like that, dad. Of course, not. Kagustuhan ko po na bumalik dito at tumira kasama ka.”

“Kung ganoon ay bakit ka nahihirapang magdesisyon para sa kaarawan ng kaibigan mo? You don’t have to miss anything being here. In fact, I don’t want you missing anything because you want to take care of me.”

“Dad…”

“I don’t want to burden you. You should enjoy your life. Just promise me your safety and I’ll be fine.”

Hindi ko gusto na marinig ni daddy ang usapan namin ni Israel. For sure, hindi rin naman sinasadya ni daddy na makinig. Hindi ko rin naman alam na dumating siya. Ayaw kong isipin niya na nagiging pabigat siya sa akin. I’m doing all of this whole-heartedly as a daughter. Not because I am obligated to take care of him, but because I want to. 

Yes, I somehow got used to the life in the city pero hindi naman ibig sabihin na iyon na ang klase ng buhay na pinipili ko o hindi ko na kakayanin ang dating nakasanayan. I like to be back here more than anything. But my dad is being him as always. Iniisip na nahihirapan ako dahil sa kanya kahit na sa totoo lang ay hindi naman. 

Ayos lang na hindi ako makapunta sa party ni Israel at alam ko na naiintindihan nila. But to reassure my dad, I decided to go. Tinawagan ko si Israel upang ipaalam na makakarating ako sa Biyernes. He was delighted kaya napangiti ako. Hinanda ko na rin ang susuotin at ipinangako na babalik din kinabukasan dahil nga gabi na rin naman gaganapin ang selebrasyon. 

I actually wanted to be back that same day ngunit mag-aalala naman si daddy kung gagabihin ako sa dagat.

Nang maghapon ay hinanap ko si Sirius upang sabihan siya sa plano ko. Now, if he has other plans, hindi na ako tutuloy para samahan si daddy. Kung mananatili naman siya rito ay gusto kong masiguro na hindi siya aalis habang wala ako para kay daddy. 

Kahit kabado sa hindi mawaring kadahilanan ay nagtungo ako sa labas at sa kubo kung saan tingin ko ay tumutuloy si Sirius. Malamig ang simoy ng hangin na dumagdag sa kaba ko. Mariin kong kinuyom ang aking mga daliri upang abalahin ang sarili pero habang papalapit ay mas lalong tumatambol ang aking dibdib. 

Wala si Jaxon sa paligid kaya napagdesisyunan ko na magtungo sa loob ng kubo. This is my first time to get inside it here again after years. So much has changed nang hindi ko nalalaman. There’s a bed, a cushion on the floor, and a small round table and books. Everything was painted of mahogany shade and there are some little bricks design on the sidewall. Ang tanging appliances ay ang electric fan at ang lampshade sa gilid ng mababang kama. 

Sa lahat ng iyon, natulala ako sa damit na nakahanger malapit sa bintana. That familiar pajama terno. Muli kong naramdaman ang pagsikip ng aking dibdib nang bahain ng mga alaala. I was ready to leave and just wait for him to come to the main house when I heard the bathroom door open behind me. 

“What do you need?”

Startled, I jerked after hearing the voice. I quickly spun around to face him and disguised my surprise. But the effort was futile. Hindi ko na naitago ang pagkabigla lalo na nang mapuna ang lapit namin sa isa’t isa. Suddenly, the familiar scent was all over me and invading my nostrils to fill my lungs with familiarity. 

Hindi naman maliit ang loob ng kubo. Katamtaman lang. Pero ngayong narito siya ay tila ba bigla na lamang sumikip ang paligid para sa aming dalawa. 

Or perhaps it’s the added furniture or the installed bathroom on the end. Ipinilig ko ang aking ulo at kumunot ang noo sa kanya dahil sa biglaang paglapit. But my voice was left in my throat as he inched closer and leaned in as if unaware of our close proximity. Or more like, unaffected. Hindi kagaya ko. 

“Why are you here?” he breathed on my face, pulling me out of my surprised state. 

He picked up something from behind me ― from the table. It’s his shirt and shorts. Ang dumistansya sa akin ay saka ko lamang napuna. His waist was clad with a towel and it’s all he has to cover his body. Drops of water were making art on his body. His muscles were toned and fit. I don’t remember seeing him this naked before, but I was sure he changed a lot. It was obvious. 

His fair skin is clean. Wala kahit na isang tattoo. There are only veins. Which makes me wonder kung naroon pa rin sa kanyang likuran ang mga sugat na nakita ko sa kanya noon. It’s curiosity and amazement. Iyon ang nararamdaman ko and for some reason, I felt my cheeks heating furiously. Nabalewala ang lamig ng hangin na pumapasok sa bahagyang nakabukas na bintana. 

Medyo basa pa ang kanyang buhok. Ngayon ko lamang tuluyang napansin dahil kanina ay sobrang lapit niya na halos magtama na ang mga mukha namin. The familiar scent is my lavender bathsoap. Kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay gamit niya pa rin iyon… 

“Why are you here?” he repeated and turned around to put his shirt over his head. His back is clean, too. Wala na ang mga scars. It was as if they have never been there at all. My eyes were on his muscles as they flexed with his every move. 

I swallowed hard and rapidly blinked. It took me half a minute to realize. Napasinghap ako at mabilis na tumalikod upang hayaan siyang makapagbihis. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pumasok sa akin para titigan siya nang ganoong katagal pero ngayong natauhan na ay hindi ko na uulitin. 

“I…,” I tried to explain as I closed my eyes, “I don’t really have to ask you. It’s your job, anyway.” Sa harapan ko ay ang nakabukas na pinto. Kuyom ang kamao ay mabilis akong natungo roon upang matakasan ang kahihiyan at bago pa ako himatayin sa kalabog ng aking dibdib.