Sulleimani, Sirius Jaxon (Book 2 of His Serenity)

Chapter 11

There was a change in the atmosphere around the island after that. Dalawang araw ang mabilis na lumipas. His threat remained in me. Every time I saw him, it felt like it was just all in my head. Not until he gazed back at me and stared with the intensity that always made me want to look away and run out of the room. 

Hindi dapat ganito. Dapat ay mas ayusin namin at linawin kung ano ang nangyayari sa amin. I shouldn’t be running away from him. He shouldn’t have threatened me like that. 

Dahil din sa nangyari ay hindi ko na nagawa pang mang-agaw ng gawain sa kusina. Ang hindi ko lang maiwan sa kanya ay ang mga labahin kaya iyon ang sikap kong pinagkakaabalahan. Sa pangalawang araw nga ay naabutan niya akong mabilis na sinisinop ang mga underwears para dalhin sa kwarto at doon na lang tiklupin. Dinamay ko na rin ang kay daddy. 

I wasn’t expecting him to be here. I have been secretly sneaking to come inside here. Pero tiyak na napansin niya na nawawala ang ilan sa mga labahin. I was yet to leave with the small laundry basket of clean underwear but halted when he walked inside the room. Malakas din akong napasinghap sa gulat at halos mabitawan ang basket. Mabilis niyang napuna ang naging reaksyon ko. 

I looked away as he tilted his head to the side to intently watched me. Nang humakbang siya palapit ay humakbang din ako upang makaalis. Two successful steps passed him and he grabbed my arm and shoved me back in my place. Namilog ang mga mata ko. I failed to hide the fear from surfacing on my expression because of his unexpected action. 

I do expect him to stop him but I certainly don’t expect him to move drastically. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kamay niyang nanatili sa aking braso. Kung mas diinan pa niya ang pagkahawak ay tiyak na mag-iiwan iyon ng pasa. 

He inched his face closer to mine as if the proximity wasn’t yet making me feel dizzy. “I see you remember how to be scared of me, huh?”

“J-Jaxon…”

He took a large intake of air and closed his eyes for a second. His jaw working made him look even more dangerous. “You’ve always been this scared and innocent… Nothing really has to change now. Right, sweetheart?”

“J-Jaxon..” my hands on the basket tightened. It left enough distance between us. Kung mas ilapit siya ay natatakot akong marinig niya ang kalabog ng aking dibdib. I don’t want him to think I fear him. But I do. 

His mocking chuckles surprised me. Ngunit walang nakakamangha sa paraan ng pagtawa niya. He knows there’s nothing funny about the situation. We both know. I visibly shuddered. Mas lumakas ang tawa niya nang mapansin iyon. 

“You know how my mother used to call me that name. You know how I once hated anyone calling me that way. I still do. But you’re an exception, and you know that, right? You’re playing really good with it. On me. Aren’t you?”

“J-Jaxon―”

He moved his head to the side to hiss angrily at my ear. “Can you f-ucking stop stuttering my name?” Matalim ang mga mata niya nang ibalik sa akin. That’s when he realized the basket was putting a distance between them. Hindi ko malaman kung mamumula ako sa sinabi niya o mamumutla. He looked pissed. 

He took a hold of me and was about to throw it away but I kept it firm around me. Muli niyang sinubukan ngunit hindi pa rin ako bumitaw. He narrowed his eyes for a threat, but I didn’t let go. 

“―I think we should properly talk things out. Ayusin natin kung anuman ang dapat na ayusin. Huwag namang ganito,” pagpapatuloy ko sa sasabihin para agawin ang atensyon niya mula sa basket. I think I was successful, but not completely. 

“Are you sure you’re ready for it, though? Hmm?” He smirked down at me. He looked straight into my eyes. Once again, there was nothing amusing. His words were clearly threatening me. Dahil doon ay natigilan ako. 

Am I really ready for it?

“W-Wala namang dahilan para hindi ako maging handa. It’s been ten years. Let’s talk about it. Kung anuman―”

“The f-uck you’re talking like ten long years was just yesterday?” singhal niya. He glared at me. The veins on his neck protruded. It was enough to tell me he was trying to get hold of himself. To gain some control. 

I wondered how it would be if he just let it all out, but I never want to imagine. 

Mataman kong tinitigan ang galit sa kanyang mga mata. Ito ang totoo niyang nararamdaman. May galit sa puso niya na gustong kumawala pero pilit niyang pinipigilan. This reminds me of our last meeting ten years ago. Ang matinding kaguluhan. Ang mga armadong kalalakihan at mga barilan. He was on his motorbike. 

He’s mad because I left.

Wala sa sarili akong umiling at matapang na hinarap ang kanyang galit. “Fine. Tell me, how you feel about it. About everything. From ten years ago until now. Ask me anything. Ano ang gusto mong malaman at bakit―” I jumped as he let out a scream. The sound came from the back of his throat. It was a guttural sound I have never heard of him or anyone. It was a broken voice that could make anyone tremble to the core. 

In fear. In sympathy. 

It was followed by him punching the wall behind me. I literally jumped this time as it vibrated with the impact. Tuluyan ko na ngang nabitawan ang basket. Mabilis din nag-alala dahil sa lakas ng pagkakasuntok niya. He kept his face buried in my left shoulder for half a minute. Nang ibalik sa akin ang tingin ay kitang-kita ko ang pamumula ng mga mata dahil sa nagbabadyang luha. 

My lips parted. This wasn’t the first time I’ve seen him broken, but this was definitely the first he had been this devastated. Parang pinipiga ang puso ko sa nakikita. Nanginig ang mga labi ko nang magbadya ang sariling luha.

“You’re so heartless,” he breathed to my face. His arms leaned on the wall behind me, making our nose about an inch away from each other. Mababa ang kanyang boses at alam ko… alam naming dalawa, na manginginig iyon kung subukan niyang muling sumigaw. 

My lips moved in an attempt to say something but I have nothing to say. I don’t know what to say. I have lots. Ngunit hindi ko alam kung alin ang dapat para matulungan siya sa mga oras na ito. I know it’s my fault. It has always been my fault.  

“I’m sorry,” I whispered the only word that came to mind. Ipinagdasal ko sana kahit papaano ay makatulong iyon. I meant it. I am sorry. For all that had happened ten years ago. For all the things I did. And for everything I didn’t. 

But I failed. 

He chuckled once more and nothing changed. It was a dangerous sound. “That’s all you have to say?... Sweetheart, after everything, you’re apologizing now? Again? Iyan lang ba ang kaya mong gawin? To play the victim? You could be a witch and kill everyone, but you’re still the victim, right? You’re always the innocent. The Princess. Hindi dapat masaktan. Hindi dapat paiyakin… That’s so heartless of you, don’t you think?”

His words were like bullets directed at my chest. But it wasn’t him who pulled the trigger. It was me and my stupidity. This must be the reason he called me insensitive. I was never aware he looked at me this way. That he sees our situation like this. Ganoon ba talaga ko ka-insensitive para hindi makita kung ano ng tingin sa akin ng mga taong mahalaga sa akin? Kung ano ang mga hindi ko sinasadyang magawa sa kanila? 

Hindi ko namalayan ang paglandas ng luha sa aking mukha. He just took a deep breath and quickly raised his hand to my face to wipe the tears with his gentle thumb. His eyes softened, and I knew instantly that I don’t deserve it. 

“Ssh,” he cooed, almost like an instinct. Hindi kailangang pag-isipan. Nang makita ang pagluha ko ay mabilis na naglaho ang galit. Ngunit hindi nawala. I know it was all just inside him, waiting to conquer him again. 

Marahan akong napapikit nang dumampi ang labi niya sa aking noo. It stayed there for so long that the time passed around us. Nang bumitaw ay muling humugot nang malalim na hininga. He wiped the tears off my face again. 

“I’m sorry,” he said in an almost inaudible voice. Ngunit mabilis din na umiling nang rumehistro sa sarili ang sinabi. “No, I’m not sorry. I shouldn’t be,” he added more to himself. 

He clenched his jaw and looked away. My fingers itched to touch him but I can’t. Kinuyom ko ang mga iyon. Ang tangi ko lang nagawa ay titigan siya habang pilit kong nilalabanan ang luha. If he thinks I’m crying because I’m playing victim, he’s wrong. It’s all because I’m hurting to see him like this. Hindi ko matanggap na matapos ang mahabang panahon ay nagagawa pa rin naming saktan ang isa’t isa. 

No one can really move on from a special feeling that strong. 

But is this still really love? Paano kung hindi na? 

He said he has a plan before coming here? Remembering the cold looks he is giving me every time, it felt like it was a look of revenge. Paano kung iyon lang ang dahilan ng lahat ng ito? 

Lumayo siya at isang beses pang pinasadahan ng tingin ang mukha ko bago tumalikod. I quickly followed him and almost stumbled forward because of the basket in front of me. Iniwasan ko iyon at tinawag siya. He stopped. 

He waited but all I could do was bite my lower lip; not knowing what else to say. Marami. But I was lost for better words again. 

“Can… Can we still be friends? Alam ko na hindi na natin maibabalik ang nakaraan. Alam ko na marami nang nagbago. But our friendship doesn’t need to change?”

Umikot siya upang harapin ako. There was a deep frown on his face that distorted his expression. His fingers played with his chin and growing stubbles. There was something amusing with his eyes but everything about him was saying otherwise. 

He reminds me of his brother. Hinding-hindi maipagkakaila ang pagiging magkapatid nila. Kahit saang anggulo ay madaling mababatid ang pagkakatulad nila. And it was always their eyes that made them look menacing. Dangerous. Forbidden. 

Tumingala siya sa kisame at humugot ng hangin. I watched how his Adam's apple dramatically bobbed when he gulped. Pagkatapos noon ay muling lumapit sa akin. It was my turn to swallow hard as I kept myself from stepping back. 

“Look at me,” utos niya na mabilis ko namang sinunod. But he looked displeased. “I’ve always been your friend, Serenity Ruskin. Everyone is your friend. Everyone is dear to you. For you, everyone deserves to be taken care of. Ano’ng pinagkaiba ko sa kanila, iyon ang gusto kong malaman.”

I looked away and lowered my gaze to the ground. But my eyes landed on the blood on his knuckles. “You’re my friend, Jaxon―”

“Enough,” he interrupted. Sa isang iglap ay muli siyang nasa harapan ko. Muli rin akong napaatras sa pader. “I simply hate all you have to say. Whether you’re telling the truth or lies, it doesn’t matter. I hate how your downright innocence can affect me.”

Mabilis akong naalarma sa sinabi niya. “I’m sorry, did I say something wrong again? S-Sorry, ano ba ang dapat kong sabihin na hindi ka ma-masasaktan? Na hindi ka magagalit? Tell me how can I not be insensitive and heartless. I didn’t mean it kung ganun man ang dating sa’yo. Jaxon I―”

“I said enough!” he shouted in my face. I closed my eyes and nodded as I bit my trembling lips. 

“Jaxon, gusto ko na maayos natin ‘to―” his thumb and forefinger gripped my chin to keep me staring back in his eyes. But his action was too drastic. Mas diniinan niya nang subukan kong kumawala. Nang hindi na ako nanlaban pa ay niluwagan niya iyon. His thumb once again played with my lips, but this time, he’s not pressing hard against them. 

His eyes stayed longer on my lips than my eyes. “Wala tayong aayusin, sweetheart… You left me ten years ago. You lost your chance ten years ago. I told you it’ll never be because you choose or decide for anything from now on. I did. Remember? I made this happen.” He shrugged his shoulder to point out our current situation. “All you did was apologize and kept doing it again and again.” Dinig na dinig ko ang tunog ng kanyang ngipin nang kumuyom ang kanyang panga.

“I… I didn’t mean to leave. B-Bumalik ako―”

“Ten years! You came back after a decade, sweetheart. It wasn’t all from yesterday. We’re fifteen and seventeen, then!... Do you even know how long it was? Do you even care?...” This time, he had to cup my face with both his hands to keep my eyes on him. Muling namula ang mga mata niya. Ngayon ay mas kitang-kita ko ang pagbabadya ng mga luha niya. “But it’d be fine. I know it would be fine no matter how long it may take you to come back to me. But surprise! ― you’re getting married? To him? To your boy bestfriend? Again, it was fine. I can do anything for you. Anything, sweetheart. Alam mo ‘y-yon… Ang hindi ko matanggap ay kung paano mo nagawang tumalikod ng ganoon na lang matapos mong makita ang kalagayan ko. I was going insane. I barely knew myself. Would you really leave me like that?" He pointed to nowhere. The mere action brought us back to when we first met again in the same place from ten years ago. Then, he aggressively shook his head. “No! Iyon ang plano mo! You came back for a f-ucking wedding. You came to me to announce you’ve f-uckin’ moved on and forgotten everything you left behind… I’m your friend, you said? Sweetheart, if I were in your shoes, I would never ever leave again once I saw you in that situation after a decade. I would never take that long to come back―no, I would never leave you from the first place. Hindi ko kaya ‘yon. You took advantage of my weakness when I trusted them all to you! I was always no one to you!”

Humihikbi akong umiling. I was crying hard. He was crying, too, but every time tears would fall down his face, he would wipe them with his fist. Ako naman ay hindi makagalaw dahilan ng panlalabo ng paningin dahil sa mga luha. 

I wished for this conversation. Hinanda ko ng sarili para rito pero hindi akalain na ganito ito kasakit. 

“I’m s-sorry…”

“If I hear you say that word again, I swear, Serenity, I f-uckin’ swear…” banta niya.

Muli akong umiling. “Jaxon, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t―”

“No, I don’t want to hear you calling me by that name again. I’m taking it back. You don’t have the right to call me with the name my mother used to call me.”

“J-Jaxon…”

“I said no!”

Mabilis akong tumango bilang pagsang-ayon. I bit my lower lip to suppress a sob but they still kept coming. Kinailangan ko nang takpan ang bibig gamit ang palad ngunit hindi pa rin mapigilan. It was all too much for me. For him. For us. 

Sa sarili ko na lang sinabi ang paghingi ko ng tawad dahil hindi pwedeng isatinig. I felt so bad. “I... I know it was selfish of me to do that to you. I don’t deserve the love you gave―”

“I don’t love you anymore,” matigas niyang sinabi. “I don’t think I ever did love you.”

Nasaktan man ay sumang-ayon na lang din ako. “I don’t deserve you.” I nodded because it’s the truth. “Mali ang lahat ng ginawa ko. Mali ang mga naging desisyon ko. Naging… Naging makasarili ako. It was my fault. I’m so…” I bit my lower lip, “H-Hindi ko alam ang lahat nangyari sa’yo matapos naming umalis. But I didn’t…” I didn’t mean to leave. Hindi ko ginusto na iwan ka. 

But that’s insensitive of me again to say that. Umalis ako. That’s the point. I left him when everything was falling out of place. I left to save myself.

Hindi ko na naituloy ang iba pang sasabihin dahil sa patuloy na paghikbi. Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya ay nanatili lang siyang nakadungaw at nanood sa akin. He bit his lower lips as our eyes met but said nothing. 

“S-Sana mapatawad mo ‘ko,” I had to force myself to speak. Marahan ang ginawa niyang pag-iling na tila napakaimposible na ng hinihiling ko. And I understand. 

“Princess?” 

It was dad coming from the entrance. Nanatili siya sa pinto at hindi tinangkang pumasok dahil hindi naman niya ito kabisado. Sigurado na nangapa siya sa daan patungo rito dahil hindi naman talaga siya nagtutungo rito. Mabilis kong pinalis ang mga luha. 

“I heard voices from here. Princess?”

“I-I’m here, Dad,” my voice broke. Kumunot ang noo ni daddy nang marinig iyon. 

“May problema ba? Are you with SJ? I think I heard his voice?”

Tinangka ko siyang lapitan ngunit mabilis akong itinulak ni Sirius pabalik. Namilog ang mga mata ko sa kanya. I need to reassure my dad everything’s okay. Ngunit nanliit ang mga mata niya sa akin. May bahid pa ng luha ang namumula niyang mga mata. 

“It was all because of him. It has always been about him,” he whispered to me. 

Fear rose in him. Lalo na nang talikuran niya ako para harapin si daddy. I saw the anger in his eyes. I saw how his hands clenched at his sides as he regarded my father. 

“Princess?”

Mabilis akong tumakbo at namagitan sa kanila. Hinawakan ko si daddy sa braso upang pigilan siya sa tangkang pagpasok. Nagmamakaawa akong umiling kay Sirius ngunit matalim ang tingin niya sa akin. 

“D-Dad, balik na po tayo sa loob…” I was literally shaking in fear and because of the aftermath of our conversation. Hindi ko na puna kung pansin iyon ni daddy. Basta ay hinila ko na lang siya palabas doon at pabalik sa bahay sa takot sa maaring gawin ni Sirius.