Sulleimani, Sirius Jaxon (Book 2 of His Serenity)

Chapter 6

― from my ten years ago

Madalang kong i-check ang cellphone ko kaya kung may mensahe sina Leah at Israel sa akin ay matagal bago ko masagot. Kung minsan naman ay naiiwan ko sa silid ang cellphone kapag tumatawag sila. I know they understand my situation. Alam din nila na halos hindi ko n hawakan ang cellphone kahit sa trabaho pwera na lang kung kailangan. But I treasure the kind of friendship I have with them, and I really want to keep it. 

I heard there are friendships that lasted despite less communication and the distance. I hope this one will be like that. Sinusubukan ko namang makabawi pero mas abala ako na alalayan si daddy sa mga gawain niya. Kahit pa hindi naman niya kailangan. I just kept worrying about him because of his condition. 

Mabilis na lumipas ang isang buwan sa isla. Sirius never asked for a leave. Hindi niya nilisan ang isla sa loob ng isang buwan and I wonder why. He could leave if he wanted to. Alam ko naman na mapapagod din siya sa sitwasyon na ito at sa nakabibinging katahimikan ng isla. But still, he never asked to leave. Or even tried. Ang mga kailangan namin ay itinatawag niya sa ibang tao at ipinapadala rito. My dad even trusted his cards with him for our food and necessities. 

The longer Sirius is getting into my father’s trust, the worse the guilt is weighing on me. This is still a lie. 

I sighed and closed my laptop. Panonood ng mga videos ang pinagkakaabalahan ko dahil gusto kong matutong magluto. I knew basic cooking but I want to be good as Sirius. Baka kung umalis siya ay hindi na kami parehas makakain ni daddy dahil mas nagustuhan ang luto niya. I gained interest in baking, too, and I’m so eager to do it. Iyon nga lang ay hindi ko pa nasusubukan. 

I don’t want Sirius to know I am going to try it. Kaya nga sana gusto ko na kahit papaano ay umalis muna siya. Ngunit hindi. For now, all my interest in enhancing my cooking skills is just in my head. Hindi ko pa masubukan sa sarili naming kusina dahil sa kanya. 

Besides, it seems like unfortunate things happen whenever we are both inside the kitchen. Pagkatapos ng huling nangyari ay hindi na ako sumubok pa na abalahin siya at ang mga tawag niya sa girlfriend niya. 

“Take care,” huling sinabi ni daddy nang magpaalam ako na maliligo muna sa dagat. This is what I planned to do once I get here. Pero dahil sa mga hindi inasahang mga pangyayari ay hindi ko nagawa. 

It was around four nang lumusong ako sa tubig suot ang aking blue two-piece. Sinadya ko iyon dahil sa ganitong oras din nagsisimulang maghanda si Sirius ng hapunan. He will be busy. Kaya nga ba kahit umambon ay hindi ako nagpatinag. Isa pa, I’m just in front of the house and I’m sure he’ll be only using the backdoor to get to the kitchen and back to his cabin. Wala namang kaso kung makit niya ko. Wala naman akong ginagawang masama. 

As much as possible, I don’t want to have any interaction with him. Although it’s already useless. Siya rin naman ay ganoon ang gusto. 

Sandali akong tumigil sa paglangoy upang panoorin ang papalubog ng araw. Saglit lang din ang itinagal ng pag-ambon. It would take a minute. Sa oras na lumubog iyon ay aahon na ako. But for some reason, I turned around to glance at the house. Mula nga sa salaming bintana ay natanaw ko sina daddy at Sirius na magkausap. I couldn’t tell what it is they are talking about. Sirius is supposed to be working inside the kitchen. O kung tapos na ay bumalik na sana sa kubo niya. O ihanda na ang pagkain. 

But he’s with my dad. Daddy smiled at something Sirius said. Parehas silang nakatutok sa harapan ngunit tanging si Siriius ang nakatuon sa tamang direksyon ko. The distance was making my sight a little blurry. But I was sure Sirius was grimacing about something he said. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang maisip kung ano ang sinabi niya na nagpangiti kay daddy. 

He looked like he’s being Sirius and my dad found something funny with it. Not mockingly, but in a generous way. 

By chance… are they talking about me?

Hindi ko masagot ang katnungang iyon. Nang iwan ni Sirius si daddy ay gumapang ang kaba sa aking dibdib. He didn’t head to the kitchen. Diretso siyang lumabas ng veranda. Binuksan niya ang ilaw sa labas at nanatiling nakatyo roon. Diretso pa rin ang tingin sa direksyon ko. 

“Is he guarding me?” I asked myself. Iyon ba ang pinag-usapan nila ni daddy? I remembered how I have to keep my swimming here a secret to my dad. Tanging kami lang ni Mamita noon ang nakakaalam. But that is different from this now. Alam ko na buo na ang tiwala ngayon sa akin ni daddy. Nagpaalam ako sa kanya at pumayag naman siya. I’m sure he will tell me right away kung balak niya akong pabantayan kay Sirius. 

But this can’t be Sirius’s own intention, right? He’s busy. 

Tumayo ako at kumaway sa kanya. I hope he noticed me. “You should go! Kaya ko namang mag-isa!”

But there was no reaction from him. He didn’t even budge. Kung hindi niya ako narinig o nagpanggap lang na hindi naunawaan ang sinigaw ko ay hindi ko masabi. I rolled my eyes and turned my back to him. Muli akong sumisid ngunit hindi rin nagtangal. 

I just suddenly remember how he swam here before. He enjoyed it. He’s never been to beaches before. Hindi ko lang maiwasang isipin… ang sarap siguro sa pakiramdam kung kaming dalawa ang narito ngayon. Bitterness spread inside me like how the water is all around me. Tiningala ko ang papalubog na nga na araw. 

I’ve seen it countless times but it never failed to bewilder me. Every day, both the sunrise and the sunset looked the same and yet different. I am blessed to have the privilege to watch this phenomenon from this angle. Dad used to watch it, too, kahit pa noong bata pa ako kaya nakahiligan ko rin. 

But now he will never see them again. I hope he memorized them too well to have a better view in his mind. I hope, no matter how the sunset and sunrise change, he still has a better memory of it. 

And I… I will cherish every moment I’m given the chance to witness it. I sighed heavily. All these moments are giving me nostalgic moments. I closed my eyes and looked back to when I was just around thirteen or fourteen. Sa oras na lumubog ang araw ay tatawagin na ako ni Mamita para umahon. It’s near dinner time at hahanapin na ako ni daddy. 

I smiled to myself. 

I didn’t see how precious those moments were. Ang nasa isip ko palagi ay kung kailan ako makakaalis ng isla. Kung kailan magiging okay sa akin si daddy. I was young, then, and ambitious to know more about what’s outside the island and what’s beyond the ocean. I focused more on the negativity and confusion that I looked past all the precious moments. Now, they are all but a memory. 

“Serenity,” the wind called my name. My body jerked thinking it was Mamita as I was expecting. Ngunit mabilis ko ring naproseso ang pinaggalingan ng boses. Mabagal akong umikot upang makita si Sirius na nakatayo sa buhanginan. 

Tuluyan na ngang lumubog ang araw. Ngunit nanatili ako roon habang nakatitig kami sa isa’t isa. I wanted to come to him. I wanted him close to me. But there’s something stopping me. Hindi ko mawari kung ano. What could be there to stop someone from showing what she truly wanted to do and say? 

Am I that selfish? Hindi lang sa kanya kundi pati na rin sa sarili? Paano kung hindi niya magustuhan ang ikikilos ko?

He has a girlfriend, anyway. 

But he’s still your friend.

Humugot ako nang malalim na hininga at desididsong tumango. Nang tuluyang makaahon ay gumalaw siya upang ipagsalikop ang mga braso sa harap ng kanyang dibdib. Natigilan ako. He certainly has a smug look on his face. I frowned. Saka ko lang din namalayan ang malamig na ihip ng hangin. I shivered. I wrapped my arms around me and regretted not bringing a towel with me. 

I was used to Mamita bringing it to me. It was a long time ago. Dapat ay masanay na akong alagaan ang sarili. But then, sampung taon din kaming wala rito. Bago kami umalis ay ilang buwan akong wala rito sa isla at nag-aral sa Qud’s School. Nang makabalik matapos ang sampung taon ay… 

I sighed. So many things happened. So many things changed. It’s a long ten years, anyway. 

Biting my lower lip, I gained the courage to walk past Sirius. Wala na sa isip ko ang kausapin siya. The freezing wind is biting on my skin. I doubted I can focus on the conversation. 

“You should have brought a towel with you,” wala sa sarili kong sinabi nang malampasan siya. I can’t ignore him the way he is doing to me. Mli nga lang ang nasabi ko dahil sa frustration. But I know it’s not quite an excuse. Pinagsisihan ko rin naman kaya bahagyang bumagal ang lakad. 

Until I stalled and froze in my tracks. I think I heard him scoff. Salubong ang kilay ko na humarap sa kanya. I expected him to be smirking or what, but no. Blangko ang ekspresyon niya nang lingunin ang pagtigil ko. 

Then he stepped towards me. Napakurap ako at isang beses na napaatras dahil sa akin ang tungo niya. Nang isang hakbang na lang ay pagitan ay huminto siya at yumuko upang magtama ang paningin namin. His warm breath was almost enough to keep me from shivering. Marahang bumaba ang tingin niya sa aking kabuuan bago muling huminto sa aking mga mata. He’s near… yet so far. I feel like he’s… from my ten years ago… Just a part of my memory. 

He gently lifted his hand to me. It halted just an inch away from my face before it lowered down to my shoulder. Even so, he didn’t lay it on me. Nanatili lang na nasa ere na animo ay hanggang doon lang ang kaya niyang gawin. 

I pursed my lips to keep them from trembling. Sirius lowered his head a little more. The proximity was making me dizzy. Then he blew air to my face. 

“Manigas ka,” mariin niyang sinabi bago nawala sa aking harapan. His rich accent even coated with the words, making it sounds like he muttered a foreign word. In the absence of his frame, the wind blew directly at me again. It left me dumbfounded. Nanatili akong nakatayo roon at nakatitig sa kawalan habang siya ay dumiretso na sa bahay. 

It was when the cold nearly penetrated inside me and to my heart that I get to pull myself together.

Yeah. I think he’s still mad. 

Nasa porch ang inihanda kong bathrobe. Suot iyon ay nagtungo ako sa kwarto upang mabilis na makaligo dahil naghihintay na sa hapag si daddy. I’m sure Sirius was with him, too. Sa hapag-kainan ay nagsimula akong ubuhin. I tried to conttrol it para hindi mag-alala si daddy pero madali pa rin niyang napuna kahit hindi naman malala. 

“Is it too cold?” tanong niya. Sirius went back to the kitchen to leave us. 

“Hindi naman po masyado. Just the usual. Medyo naaliw lang po ako sa panonood ng sunset kaya medyo natagalan.”

“You should not stay swimming after the sunset. Delikado. Lalo na kung malakas ang alon.”

“Kalmado naman po ang dagat. But I will remember that po. I just missed swimming. Hindi ko po araw-araw na gagawin.”

Dad nodded and in silence, we ate Hindi na bumalik si Sirius kahit nang matapos kami. Tiyak na bumalik na muna iyon sa kubo niya. Dad retreated to his room after. Ako naman ay niligpit ang pinagkainan at balak na ilagay na iyon sa dishwasher. Paubo-ubo pa ako habang ginagawa iyon kaya naisipang uminom na rin ng gamot para bukas ay magaling na. Ngunit sa bulwagan pa lang ng kusina ay natigilan na ko. 

Sirius was there. Nakasandal sa sink at nakatitig sa counter island kung saan naroon naman ang cellphone niya. The screen was black. Hindi niya kausap ang girlfriend at mag-isa lang sa katahimikan. He noticed my presence and exhaled. Hindi niya ako nilingon. He picked up his phone and pocketed it. He shifted his position and now leaned on the counter.  

“Just leave it here.” He jerked his head to the sink in front of him. 

I swallowed the urge to cough. “I’ll do it. Pwede ka nang magpahinga. Ako na ang bahala rito―” 

Hindi niya ako pinatapos. Humakbang siya sa akin at mabilis na kinuha ang tray. Hindi ko inaasahang ang biglaang pag-ubo nang hindi makayanan ang pagtitigil. Diretso iyon sa kanyang mukha dahil hindi na rin ako nagkaroon ng pagkakaton na makaiwas dahil sa bilis ng kilos niya. 

Mortified, I lifted my hands in the air as if to surrender for what I did. My eyes widened to his clenched jaw. “I’m sorry!” I exclaimed. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to―”

Muli ay hindi niya ako pinatapos. He turned around to put the dishes in the sink. Yumuko ako at mariing napapikit dahil sa kahihiyan. 

“I’ll do it,” he announced. I have no chance to object. Dahil sa nangyari ay mabilis na lang ako na tumango bilang pagsang-ayon at mabilis na umalis doon. Naalala ko lang ang iinumin na gamot nang nasa silid na at nakaupo sa kama. But I can’t go there now. Hihintayin ko lang siguro na matapos siya. 

I laid on the bed and counted the time. Nagpataan na rin ako ng kalahati pang oras para masiguro na wala na siya roon. Iyon nga lang, nang makahiga sa kama ay tinamad na rin akong bumangon. It’s too early to sleep but I could already feel it slowly trying to get me. My eyelids were heavy. 

Until the door to my room opened. Walang katok-katok o anumang pasabi at pumasok si Sirius dala ang isang baso ng tubig at tableta ng gamot na marahang inilapag sa coffee table. Mabilis akong napabangon dahil doon. 

“Y-You should knock,” nanginig ang boses ko. Iyon naman ang tamang gawin ng kahit na sino. Kahit si daddy or sina Mamita ay ganoon ang ginagawa. “Hindi mo naman kailangang dalhan ako rito. Balak ko naman na uminom mamaya kung…” I trailed. Hindi naman magandang sabihin na hihintayin ko siyang makaalis bago iyon gawin. 

And he’s not interested in any conversation. Matapos lang na ilapag iyon ay agad ding tumalikod para umalis. 

“Jaxon…” tawag ko bago pa mamalayan. I don’t know what else to say. I just… want to call him. Mabilis naman siyang tumigil sa kinatatayuan. But his frame was way too stiff than normal as if I shot a bullet on his back. Kuyom din ang mga kamao sa kanyang gilid. I swallowed as I remembered the tone he used to me earlier on the front beach. “Thank you,” I muttered sincerely. “Thank you for everything.”

“It’s my job,” matigas niyang sinabi na nanatiling nakatalikod sa akin. 

I shook my head to myself. “You know what I mean… You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to work for us… We both know―”

“I don’t know what you mean,” he interrupted in a thick accent. “We don’t have something we both know.”

And just like that, he left. Once again, I am alone in my room. Just like earlier. Just like what I’m used to. But tonight, it’s no longer different. Something makes the emptiness unfamiliar… Someone. 

 I bit my lower lip and stared at the medicine. It took me another half an hour to move and take it.