Before June

Before June: Nine✓

Silence enveloped my room, only the splash of rain on the window could be heard and seemed to know that I was sad so sympathized. The hot liquid was constantly falling from my eyes on the white floor of my bedroom, while my head was still bowed. 

I feel like my world has stopped spinning. If I could just bring back the time when everything was still okay. But I know I can’t. It’s all because of me, it’s all my fault why this is happening. I’m such a horrible person. The problem is all in me, not in anyone. It is all me. 

The pain was so heavy, even the rain pouring outside couldn’t conceal the tears and sadness I felt. I felt like a certain part of me died. I feel my body giving up. Can I even hold on for another night? 

Every day I wake up in the morning looking for the warm hug of my family but I can’t, because they are far away from me, they also have priorities. I endured everything because I was not stingy. I wake up every day, hoping I can get out of here when the day comes. But today, I woke up in the afternoon, Mom’s holding my hand with tears in her eyes and the bad news came to me. What is this? Is this a punishment for me? Is it a punishment for being a bad child? a person?

It’s all tiring, I just want to rest. I want to leave, I want to breathe in everything that is going on. I know my family will blame me, and I can’t help but blame myself, too. They did everything for me to heal, but I became a rebel. They gave me everything I needed and they could but I just rebelled because I felt I could no longer control everything, including myself. So they have the right to blame me because it’s all my fault. I failed as a big sister, I failed as a granddaughter, I failed as a daughter, and I failed as a person. I let them down, I’m a failure. 

“Why did you even do that?” Mom sobbed. “Why did you decide without our consent?” 

I did not speak. I want to be left behind. I want to be alone, I want everything to stop. I want to cry from everything, even the ones I cried for before that I thought were over, the pain was still there. The pain is still fresh. It’s not okay yet, I haven’t finished crying over them. Even though I always tell myself that it’s okay, it’s not okay with me. 

I heard her get up from my bed. I just glanced at her before looking away again. I felt her grip on one of my shoulders before she also touched one of my shoulders, she turned me to face him so she could see my face. I didn’t react, even uttered a word. I didn’t complain even though her grip on my shoulder was too tight. 

She shook my shoulder hard, as tears flowed down her cheeks. “Why are you like that? Aren’t we enough for you? Isn’t everything we give you enough?” she said while sobbing. “Why are you like that? You don’t even think how we will feel about your decision.” 

I swallowed hard to stopped myself from talking. “Mom…” 

“Why are you selfish? Don’t you love us?”

I shook my head. “I’m always thinking about your feelings in every decision I make in my life, so don’t question my love for you all. I love you all more than myself.” My voice cracked. “In my whole life, my decisions always depend on you all, whether you will like it or whether you will be angry if I do it. That’s how I cared about you all. I’m afraid I might hurt you because of my decisions, because of my words. But, can I just at least decide for myself, too, Mom? Can I put myself first, Mom?” 

Mom backed away from me while holding her mouth. She was shaking her head while looking at me with tears filling her eyes. I looked to my side to avoid his eyes. 

“That’s enough, Mom. I don’t want to… I’m tired, too, you are not the only ones who are tired. You lost me a year ago,” I paused. “When I found out the truth. You asked me several times why I’m pushing you all? It’s because you lied… you lied to me. You made me believe your lies. I asked you many times, didn’t I? But you still lied to me. Tell me, Mom? Why do you have to lie to me? I just need a simple answer, is it difficult to answer my question, Mom?” 

I looked straight at her, I was mad, very mad but I can’t deny I still love her... them. But I’m so exhausted, I’m just asking for the truth but they can't even give it. I have my limits, too... and I reached it.

I heard the door of my room slam open but I ignored it and just looked straight at mom. I saw Cleo and Dad approached her. Dad hugged her tightly while Cleo was just on her side and there was no emotion looking at me while Dad was badly glaring at me. That pinched my heart. 

“What did you do to her?” Dad shouted.

I ignored him and just had no emotion looking at them. I feel jealous while looking at them, they looked happy without me. It’s like I’m just an outsider to this family. Dad just looked at me angrily, but his stare didn’t scare me anymore. Even if they beat me or hurt me here, I don’t care anymore. 

“Is it difficult to answer my question, Mom?” I swallowed hard. “Is it difficult to answer my question? Am I your child?” 

The whole area went silent. Their silence became the answer to my question. I already knew what the answer was, but I wanted to hear it coming from their mouth. 

“No, right?” I laughed sarcastically. “Why can’t you speak? Have you lost your mouth?” 

“Don’t talk to us like that!” Dad clenched his fists and gritted his teeth. “And to keep you quiet, yes, you are not our child! So don’t shout at us like that. You should thank us because we took care of you, even if you are like that and even if you are a burden to us!” 

I was caught off guard by what he had said. All my life, he never yelled at me and I never saw him mad like this. My knees became wobbly like jelly, my heart was pounding out of my chest. Every beat of my heart hurts. It was as if it was my fault why I was still alive. If it was just so painful to know the truth, I would have just kept it all to myself. A burden… like a record repeatedly playing in my mind what he said. 

I even saw Mom squeezing Dad’s shoulder to stop him from speaking while Clea was still standing by their side, listening. But I didn’t care anymore. My baby chose them more than me, even though I’m the victim here, he still chose them. Of course, he will choose them more than anyone because they are his parents while I’m just an outsider. I feel unwanted. No one even wants me here, I’ll just go and leave. They’re happy without me, I’m just a burden here anyway. 

No one needs my help, I’m just useless and a burden. I should have died. But I’m still thankful to them for paying my bills here at the hospital. I’ll just pay them when I have enough money, I’ll just work...

I smiled bitterly. “That’s good, it’s good you finally admitted it. No one can’t stop me from leaving, right?” My breathing became fast. “I won’t ask if I’m an… illegitimate child or I’m just adopted.” 

Silence reigned over us. My heart ached but with all that had happened, it wasn’t enough to make me cry. I turned my back on them and walked towards my room door. I just want to breathe. I can’t handle everything that happened today, it’s happening so fast. It seems like only yesterday everything was fine, it seems like I just woke up in the morning with a big smile on my face. But it didn’t last for a long time, it was only for a short time. 

“Anyway, I will just pay for what you spent on me when I have enough money, I’ll just look for a job,” I said before turning the doorknob. I heard Mom calling me but I didn’t pay attention to her anymore. I don’t care anymore, they’re so tiring. 

I no longer knew who else I would believe. Now that I’ve confirmed with everyone, I know that I’m farther away from them, it seems like there’s a big barrier between us keeping us away from each other. 

It’s like I just want to disappear like a bubble, I have no reason to live. They are the reason why I want to be healed but now that they are gone, I don’t know anymore. 

I only found out when I heard them talking about me just a few months ago but I didn’t hear the full details and they caught me. That explains why their attitude towards me is like that. The moment I knew that I wasn’t their real child, I already knew why they had such a bad attitude towards me and I can’t accept that. 

They deprived me of knowing the truth, they made me believe I was their child, that I had no right to complain at all. I asked them a few times if it was true but they just said no, they lied in front of my face. When they caught me listening to their conversation, their treatment of me suddenly changed and I changed, too. After everything they’ve done to me since childhood, I can’t afford to accept their apology.

I cried every night. I overthink every night, thinking what is wrong with me, why did they treat me like that. I’m not a robot so as not to make mistakes. Every time I choose myself, I choose the one I want to be happy with, they will look at me as a selfish daughter who chooses what I want over what they want. But this time, I’m choosing my inner peace. 

They thought they were always right. I had a mind, I was no longer a child. I can decide for myself, I am not a servant. I’m also not a dog that just follows their commands, I’m a human. 

I went to the rooftop to pour out all my emotions, even though it was still raining. I want to scream all the pain, just in case, it goes away because I can’t seem to cope anymore. 

“I hate everything!” I shouted at the top of my lung. 

My chest went up and down after I screamed. Heavy rain fell but I ignored it. I bowed my head and clenched my fist. Tears welled up in my eyes one after another. I cried again. Even repeatedly and annoyingly, I cried again. My screaming didn’t even help to relieve what I was carrying. 

I feel unwanted and alone. I’m not perfect. I am not a good person either. I’m aware of my shortcomings, that’s why I’m trying my best to learn and grow more. Is that why heaven is punishing me?

I am not as bright as the sun, nor have I been the moon to anyone in the dark. I never defended myself even though I knew I was right and they were wrong. I never fought what I knew was right and just let them oppress me, they heard nothing from me even if they hurt me intentionally. I just kept my mouth shut and never take revenge. 

But it’s also tiring to be quiet all the time, I have my limit, too. Everything was too much for me to handle. I’ve lost myself for so long but I haven’t even looked for my lost self. Can I borrow some time... I’ll just collect the pieces of my heart.

For the first time in my life, I doubted Him, doubt His plan for me. I asked Him why all this was happening to me. I asked Him to just take my life so I could finally rest in peace.