Raising Tasha

Tasha 2

I knew life as a single parent was not going to be easy, I was sure it was going to be tough but nothing prepared me for this. I was loosing my mind! Only God knows how I made it past these five years, between being almost homeless to job hunting to nannies disappearing on me last minute I had gone through it all. It would have been really easy for me to give up but life in Nairobi was too damn expensive to be a jobless single mother. In this city everyone fought for themselves, no one cared about what problems who had after all they all had their own problems.

Right now I was packing up the house, Tasha and were moving AGAIN! I could not afford to pay the rent for our current bedsitter (one roomed house with a toilet and a kitchen sink). It was eleven o'clock at night and I had to work very quietly, I had not paid rent last month and this month's rent was due in three days. If I would still be here then the landlord would confiscate the things in my house, even the though I did not have much I had worked tooth and nail to buy them. I knew I was being unfair running away without paying my rent but I had no choice, I had sold my television during the day to facilitate the move. It was the only valuable item I had and I needed to pay the movers and rent for the single room we were moving to.

My landlord was going to hate me so much  but I would bear the hate as long as my daughter had a roof over her head, that was the only thing that mattered. Tying my things with rope lowering them from my first floor house through the balcony, we could not use the gate. Even though it was almost midnight Nairobi was know as the city that never sleeps, someone would have spotted us and our plans would be thwarted.

I got out the most important things since the moving cart was small I had to leave somethings, that was hard doing considering how much I had struggled to buy everything I owned but desperate times did call for desperate measures. Thanking my stars Tasha had been asleep when I was packing up because she would have thrown a tantrum if she realized we were moving, We had done this too many times she knew the drill, we would settle in one place she would finally get used to it make new friends then times would get tough and I would force her to abandon everything again and we would move again.

I honestly hated myself so much for doing that to her I just hoped it would not affect her social growth, not once did she complain about our moving but I could feel her withdrawing. She was trying to protect herself, protecting her heart. The last few times she had avoided making friends  like she knew we would be moving again. My loud daughter who loved people was turning into a loner and it was my fault, I had done this to her. Her mother was useless!

Trying to hold back my tears I pick her sleeping form tying her to my back before tip toeing out of our former building. "If I get a good job I will come back and pay the rent I owe," I swore to myself looking back at the building. The landlord had been so good to me but I betrayed him in the end, no matter how sorry I felt I had my priorities. A roof for my baby, food would work itself out.

The city was dangerous especially the area that I lived in but that did not really matter now, he had to get to my new place as soon as possible. Hurrying along, almost running I did not even feel Tasha's weight on my back we get their in thirty minutes. The movers practically throw my things in the room hurrying to leave, I could not blame them the area was not not the safest of places and the had families to go back to. 

Standing the middle of the house I look around, the house was built out of iron sheets the kind used for roofing. It was really cold and damp but from now onwards it was home, our source of shelter in Nairobi's harsh reality. As if feeling the change in environment Tasha wakes up looking around with a frown on her face, "Did we move again mama?" she questions even though she knew what the answer would be, this had happened one too many times.

"Mama is sorry baby, this would be the last" I promised her earnestly with tears welling up my eyes. I know she is disappointed in me, it was not the first time I was making this very promise she had heard it over and over again.

"Don't cry mama, Tasha will grow up really soon and help you. Will make a lot of money and build a big house like a princess castle and many rooms" she tries to make me feel better but instead succeeding in making me feel worse. The tears I had been holding back fall uncontrollably, my baby was maturing too fast. I was the adult dammit! Me! I was the one supposed to make her feel better but here I was burdening her with my crap. Name any mature five year old you know, I will be waiting.

Untying our beddings setting out thin mattress on one corner or the house ready to sleep with promises of better tomorrow I coerce Tasha to go back to sleep. I thank God for her everyday, she was my reason to move on, Tasha motivated me when I was ready to give up the force that drove me to keep getting up and try one more time. 

I had no one except her, well we had Molly or as she liked calling her Aunty Molly but she was always busy and I did not want to bother her besides she had gotten married to her college sweetheart and had her own family to focus on.

As we lie on the floor in the cold damp house I swear to work harder for my daughter, to make her proud of her mother. I will give the life that I had always longed for. A new day meant new opportunities and I Claire was ready for a new day.