Raising Tasha

“No! No! This can't be happening! It should not be like this. It can't be like this!" Throwing away the fourth pregnancy I pick the fifth. “This time it has to be different, the first four had to be faulty tests! That's it! It had to be” as they say a panicking mind had to be the most creative. I made up every kind of excuse! I know a lot of people who would rejoice at the thought of being pregnant but to me this was a burden, an unwanted baggage. I had plans, goal, and endgame. None of those included a baby. FUCK! What am I supposed to do now? I had decided I was saving myself, not that I was a prude or anything but f*****g Molly just had to drag me to that damn party! I was supposed to live a celibate life dammit! How many times did I say no? How many times did I ask her not to leave me alone when we actually got there? What did I get in the end? Two freaking lines on my fifth test and insanity creeping in. ‘Hello beautiful, this your first party?' How stupid could I have been. How did those simple words make me let my guard down? Now that I think of it, just how many ladies have heard those at parties? “So stupid!” I face palm myself hard only to end up wincing in pain. What to do! what to do? I stand from the toilet bowl pacing my small bathroom/toilet, if we can call it pacing. I mean it took me four step to walk from one end of the room to other. I lived in a crammed studio apartment out of campus. It was the cheap area students like me who worked with a tight budget lived afterall it had everything I needed. A roof that did not leak, running water and a bathroom. I was a final year Business Management student who had her nose in her books pretty much all the time. I had my life planned out, graduate at twenty two, get a job by twenty three, buy a house at twenty seven. Marriage and children were thing I never considered, taking care of a grown man wasn't something I saw myself doing let alone changing dirty diapers. In my young mind, marriage was overated. Besides, why get married in the first place if you were going to end up divorced anyway. To those that wanted to ‘multiply and fill the earth’ props to them but that wasn't going to me. Atleast it wasn't until five pregnancy tests ago. Waking up in that house on that bed naked with a post it not stuck to the head board saying ‘never been with a virgin before TOTS WORTH IT’ the latter part under lined three times to emphasize on how worth it they thought my virginity actually was. The level of maturity should have made clear by the choice of vocabulary but I thought they would at least use protection because after all it was having s*x stranger hence I didn't take the morning after pill and once cue in the positive pregnancy test. At this point those little things were clearly sent to mock me from my stupidity. Noises from outside the bathroom bring in me back to reality, reminding that Molly was waiting for me on the other side. If you are wondering, no, I live alone. Yes, she is the brought me the test kits and of course I'm blaming her for letting me get pregnant. I am going to force her to raise this little demon with should I decide to keep it. I am pro choice after all. “What? Negative? Right? Right? Positive? b***h say something!” she ends up screaming in my face clearly getting impatient. I point towards the bathroom suddenly feeling exhausted. I feel all my strength leave my body and my emotions overwhelm me bursting out. Tears streaming down my face I throw myself in bed then immediately apologize to my flat stomach remembering I now had a baby in there. I feel warm arms around me, hugging me. I know it is Molly but I just to tired to really think at this moment. I am a scholarship student, but that only caters for my tuition fees. Money for my upkeep, rent and food are from the nuns in the orphanage that I grew up in. Yes, I am an orphan. No, I have never met my parents before and honestly I don't even care for them. Those fuckers abandoned me in front of a church at two weeks old on a cold winter night. Atleast they tried raising me for two weeks right? Total bullshit! Why have children when you can not afford to raise them? Come to think it of it maybe my views on marriage and parent hood were swayed by my own parents and kids at the orphanage. Watching children suffer for someone else's fault was something I wanted no part of but he I was crying my eyes out, pregnant! Pregnant, if i say it thrice really fast maybe I could wish all this away right? I'm quite thankful Molly does not say anything thing during my whole break down and just offers a shoulder for me to cry on. DID I MENTION SHE WAS GOING TO RAISE THIS DEMON WITH ME? Because she totally is! It is her responsibility! People may call me delusional for making her do this when I was the one that had unprotected s*x but my mind was already made up! If i was keeping the pregnancy Molly and I would co-parent. As Mr. TOTS WORTH IT I did not remember who he was and I didn't really care. It was just s*x and would he even remember drunken s*x with a stranger. Besides, did he even want children? Taking him out of the equation was a really easy choice. We were probably never going to meet again so why bother. But for now, it was time to tweak those life plans. Include the unexpected change and hope for the best! Fingers crossed.