Raising Tasha

To new beginnings.

Today was slightly colder than every other day, I wrap my arm around Tasha and cuddle her closer to me to provide her with body heat. Then I realize what was wrong, my movement that had always been greeted by a squeaky bed was met by silence today. Someone else might laugh and call me overdramatic but to me those were sounds that defined home, my source of security. Reaching for the light switch I try to turn the lights on but even that was not working out.

My life was so f****d up that even electricity took a break from my s**t. They were clearly working out last night when we had moved in but all over sudden there was a problem. I am not sure whether I should be proud to own a kerosene lamp but it sure did come in handy. This lamp had been with Tasha and I through some very dark nights. The lack of a stable income meant that on some days I could not afford to pay our electricity bills, kerosene was a cheaper source of light.

I had not been able to see everything clearly last night due to exhaustion but now I realized why my new landlord only charge eight hundred shilling monthly on rent, the house if I should even call it that was practically falling apart. The iron sheets for the walls were corroded, so bad in some sections there were holes. So much for privacy! If I could see the people outside the was a ninety percent chance they could see inside my house but half a loaf of bread was clearly better than none., at lease we had a 'house' besides my landlady and I already worked out an agreement. I would clean the compound and take of the surrounding and in exchange she would take three hundred shilling so I was only required to pay the remaining five hundred at the end of the month.

I had sold my tv for seven thousand shillings, the mover had asked for two and I paid forth months rent for two thousand at least this way I knew I would not have tp uproot Tasha anytime soon. The i***t that said when finished university you would get a good job, where are you now? I'd like to have a word or two. That was a load of bullshit pumped into children's and enriching the education sector. He I was, a university graduate living life worse than most drop outs! Anyways with three thousand shilling left in my pockets, one went into Tasha's savings,  one would be used for food for the rest of the month and I had been thinking about starting my own business with remaining one.

A food shack! Like the one I had worked at during my university days was the safest bet. One could never go wrong with selling food, everyone needed to eat some point. My boss back then had target the university students as her customers, I was following in her footsteps except my target was the builders working around where I stayed. You see, my residential area had a lot of construction work going on but no place to get food an I was a freaking genius for thinking about solving this problem.

But first I need to organize my house before doing anything else, boiling water for Tasha's morning use. Breakfast was supposedly the most important meal of the day but when you had no money for food all that did not matter, getting anything to eat was the best meal of the day it did not matter what it was of what time of the day it was consumed.

Finally there was a little bit of light out, I always found it hard sleeping after moving to a new place but at least it gave me time to arrange everything while every one including Tasha was asleep. It saved time and also helped avoid nosy neighbors, that that were interested in knowing what the new tenant owned or did not own. I mean we were are living in one of the shitiest areas of Nairobi there was no way one could be better than other.

My baby finally waking up and the only thing I am glad for is at least she had gotten a good nights sleepy. Pouring her self a cup water with hints of drinking powder for her breakfast she joins me outside. We had run out of sugar the previous weekend so she would have to make do. You I had always hated my parents for abandoning me at that orphanage but at least I had three meals a day and warm bed to sleep in every night. Not once in my childhood had I worried about being homeless or going hungry. Looking at my daughter's smiling face I felt like I could understand why my mother did what she did.

Should I have done as our university registrar suggested back then and put her up for adoption?

HELL NO! I could never do that, I could not survive without her. In fact I hated my self for even thinking about giving her away. All the frequent warm meals no matter how frequent could replace a mother's love and I was a good example to the above statement. I would keep my daughter and work tooth and nail to give her an amazing childhood. The first five years had not gone as planned but that did not mean her whole childhood would be bad. 

I had sent my resume to pretty much every place that had a job vacancy announcement out, employment positions did not matter neither did the amount of pay. All I wanted right now was a permanent job, somewhere that guaranteed me pay either monthly, weekly or every fortnight. Tasha was supposed to be in kindergarten already but I had not been able to enroll her yet. Education was just so expensive at least if you wanted your child to learn anything useful otherwise there small schools everywhere for children to pass time in.

Getting away from my thoughts I realize Tasha is eating a bun, a bun that I did not buy. She looks at me so pitifully that I swallow back all the things I had wanted to say. She must have been really hungry as she never accepts food from strangers and the guilt I had been feeling doubles.

Never again shall my daughter go hungry. Never again shall she depend on neighbors to feed her. I would become a better mother no matter what it takes! And this is my solemn vow!