Running (baby daddy series #2) {COMPLETED}

| 8 | Do you miss my daddy?

Paulina POV

This chapter is dedicated to Katherine, a loyal reader who comments on her honest feedback and don't hold back. Thank you for staying with me darling; it's people like you who make it all worth it. <3  

    My little 'reunion' with Damien has shaken my world entirely and, unfortunately, not just in the right way. The uncertainty and doubts have come back to the surface to stay. It was a one-time thing that cannot and must not happen again.

  He can be allowed to be in the lives of children, but that's all, too. I can't keep him away from his daughter, and the boys are somehow included there because they are her brothers. Even if they see him as 'uncle Damien,' it's better than them seeing him as a stranger.

  This is what I wanted, so why does it keep hurting me so damn bad? Why can't I just get my thumb out of my ass and tell him how I feel? That I never stopped loving him and that he's the only one for me... Every time I see him smile, it's like lightning strikes. The feeling spreads so fast that I barely catch up.

  Oh, I want him to feel, I want him to hear. I want him to see what I have to give, because he is the only one for me. Every morning I wake up, I look around, but no one can make time standstill. Why do I feel this way? Why did I do this?

  The thoughts I will never let go. Time runs away, and his heart that has now stopped beating for me. Will I ever be able to recognize? 'Show them how strong you are, never let them see you shed tears.' That's how I grew up, be a big girl and take it. 'Everything's okay if anyone asks,' that's how it was for me when I grew up.

 Is it any wonder I don't understand these things? I can lift several thousand kilos; I can cross the sea and land. I can do almost everything they ask for, but I can not be in the same room as him without losing my breath.

  And every time he looks at me, it feels like my heart is stopping. I try to play hard and resist, but he tears my walls. I don't know what he does, but everything that he does, it makes me weak. I have to dare to let go now, stop being afraid of being hurt. That's the way it has to be; that's just the way it is.

  Never dare to show me weak; with him, it will be another matter. With him there is no other choice, because with him I want to be vulnerable. Now I want to be in the same room as him, and I dare to lose my breath. Every time he looks at me, I want time to stop.

  But just like the wind, my courage disappears the moment I hear the doorbell ring. Somehow I manage to stay calm when I open the door for my guys. I hug Jaxon and Adrien before letting them all inside. Fiona is in the bathroom doing God knows what, and the boys are scattered throughout the apartment.

"Hey, Fiona! Daddy's here!" I shout, and shortly after that, we can hear her small feet thump on the floor when she runs towards us.

  Damien squats down and catches her in his arms. Darby and Noah come running shortly after that. Caleb isn't here, however. He's been acting weird since we had that conversation yesterday, I can't help but worry. I walk away from there and look for him. Then I hear it.

"Caleb! Get down from the bed! You can fall."

"But mommy, look! I can jump very high."

"I can see that, get down... Now!"

  Just when I say that, he falls from the bed and bangs his head in his toy chest. He immediately starts crying, and I run to him. I pick him up and look him over; it's just a small cut on his lip. His tears smear my t-shirt, but I don't care.

"Do you see now why mommy told you not to jump on the bed? You could have hurt yourself very badly, baby." I coo at him while I walk back outside. "I know it hurts; we are going to put some ice on that. Can you be a good boy and get that from the freezer?"

  He nods his head and walks into the kitchen. I lay down on the floor and close my eyes for a moment. Noah jumps down on my stomach, which makes me make an 'oof' sound.

"What have I told you about jumping on me all the time, Noah? Time out, five minutes in the corner."

  He pouts but do as I say. The guys are looking at me, and I look like s**t. It's clear to anyone that I cried myself to sleep last night, and I'm too tired to care. Fiona climbs down from Damien's lap and walks up to me. She pokes my nose and squeezes my cheeks.

"Are you sad, mommy?" she asks and tilts her head to the side.

"No, baby. Mommy's not sad, just tired." I answer with a tired smile and kiss her little hands.

  She's content with my answer. Caleb walks out with an ice-pack to his mouth. Adrien picks him up and talks to him. I take the opportunity to step out of there. Anxiety rising inside me again. Feels like the whole thing I'm wrong, no matter how I do, I bother them.

  Everything that I like breaks when I touch it, no one knows that what I wear stings like when the knife cuts. Nothing would have been apart if I wasn't here. Everyone would sit here around the table, have dinner and be friends. We were supposed to be together under the sun, then read a fairy tale and brush teeth.

  Maybe everything would be better if I didn't exist. How does life feel with a close friend? Someone who shouts hello when you get home? Someone who calls you sometimes, how else to remember what name you have? I've been living alone with the kids for so long that I can't remember how it feels.

  Please, I need someone to ask me what I'm dreaming about. I want someone who notices if I live or die tomorrow. The nights are long, but if I fall asleep again and if I sleep long enough, maybe everyone will come home.

  I pull my hair and try not to scream straight out. The anxiety increases even more within me, and I slide down the kitchen counter. My butt lands on the floor, and the tears fall at a Rapids pace. No sounds come out of me; my children must not see me cry.

"Mommy, you promised that you weren't sad." Fiona's little voice startles me, and I look at her.

  Those big blue eyes look at me with concern, and it seems like she's studying me carefully. I want to tell her that everything is going to be all right, but I don't know if it ever will. She pats my head for a little while before she walks back.

"Uncle Adrien, mommy is sad." I hear her say.

"No, darling. You heard her; she's just tired," he answered her.

"But... Then why is she crying on the floor?" 

  Damn. Now everyone is going to wonder why and I don't have the psyche to make them understand the never-ending story about my anxiety. Footsteps moves towards the kitchen quickly, and before I have time to react, Adrien sat down beside me and pulled me up into his lap. 

"Shh, everything is going to be all right, princess." he coos and caress my hair while I cry.

"Daddy, why is mommy crying?" I hear Fiona's voice once more, which makes me sob loud for the first time since they came here.

  Caleb comes running when he hears that and looks devastated when he sees me. He walks up to me and hugs me also. With him close to me, I have to get it together. I try to laugh and wipe away my tears—everything to get his concerns away.

"Silly mommy, right?" I ask him in a chuckle.

"It's okay to be sad, mommy, you always tell me so," he says in a matter of fact voice.

"That's right, my prince. But I don't want to be sad in front of you."

"Is it because you miss our daddy?"

  My breath hitches in my throat. The panic inside me rises, and all I know is that I need to get out of here. My tears fall again, and I rise from the floor before running through the apartment into my bedroom. I can hear Caleb's voice behind me.

"Mommy! Please, I'm sorry! What did I do wrong?"

  I get a glimpse of Adrien catching him before I close the door. Oh my god! I have scared my child half to death. My fingers tremble when I call Brianna and ask her to take the kids for a little while. She agrees, and I can hear when she walks inside the apartment, asking for me. Before I know it, she's here with me.

"Oh, darling, no. Don't cry, Paulina. My beautiful little girl." she coos and swings me back and forth in her arms.

  We sit there for a while before the kids are banging on the door and asks for her. She looks at me, and I nod to indicate that she should go with them. I look down at the scars I have on my arms from the self-abuse I've been practicing since the panic attacks became worse. It's not ideal and safe; I know that.

   I shouldn't inflict pain on myself. What role-model am I for my children? At the time, I didn't know what to do, not to freak out. The wounds are never deep cut, and I don't intend to kill myself, just release the mental pain I have. Adrien walks into the bedroom and picks me up bridal style. He walks out with me.

  No one says anything. What should the guys say? 'Hey, I'm sorry that your kid doesn't know his daddy, and you're to blame for that''? Nah, I'm already in pain as it is.

"What happened?" Jaxon asks with concern.

"Caleb asked if she missed his daddy," Adrien answers, and I harshly shut my eyes.

"Oh, honey." Jaxon sits down beside Adrien and kisses my forehead.

  Adrien's eyes move to my arms, which neither one of them has seen yet. Damien was occupied with other things to notice it last night. He looked me straight in the eye with worry. I don't blame him, if he would have done something like this I would've killed him on the spot.

"Paulina, what is this?"

  I could feel every single one of them stare at me. Even with closed eyes, my tears continue to flow. Once again, I disappoint people in my life. I guess my mother was right when she said that I should be anyone else except myself—no wonder she's embarrassed of me.

"Paulina?"

"Pain relief," I answer in a whisper.

"Why are you in pain, darling?"

"The anxiety got worse when I left, and when I found out that I was pregnant, I kind of lost it. I was barely twenty years old, already had three kids, and another one on the way. And I was alone in it all. Then when I had to work at the place I'm working, it became too hard. That's why I created the Paulina persona, because it was easier if I pretended to be someone else. I couldn't handle the heartbreak, and I didn't dare call you, because I knew that you would be disappointed in me. Because all I do is f**k things up." I say and break down again.

  Someone's moving me, and I don't even see who it is. It doesn't matter right now, either. After years of being alone with that amount of stress would kill anyone slowly inside. A kiss on my temple, and I know right away that it is in Damien's lap that I sit.

"You are not alone, baby, and will never be there again. I'm here, and I'm not leaving you, even if you ask me. You and Fiona are my girls. Now that I've found you again, I have no plans ever to let you go!"