Running (baby daddy series #2) {COMPLETED}

| 6 | Missing him

Paulina (Wendy) POV

{I'm trying to help you get used to her new name.}

    I'm not going to lie. It felt good to hug Damien again. Now that I'm lying here in my bed after a full day at the carnival, he's the only thing occupying my mind. Although I do not like to admit it to myself or anyone else, I sincerely miss him.

    His eyes were shimmering in the sunlight and his radiant smile. My heart is weighed down by those feelings he makes me relive once more. Things I thought were hidden and buried. Memories, thoughts, and feelings that I thought I forgot. Everything has come back to me only during these few hours we have spent together during the day.

    I cried when Fiona asked the only question; I asked God that she wouldn't ask. How do you explain to your little girl that the reason mommy and daddy don't live together anymore is because daddy broke my heart to pieces? Things like that shouldn't be inside her head at such a young age.

    Unfortunately, she's going to live through some heartache of her own when she gets older. That's a part of life. But I will do my best to keep her away from that sort of pain and confusion until she can handle it herself if she ever will. Hell, I'm 24 now, and I still have no idea how people cope with it.

    For the first time in several years, I wish that I can curl up on my mother's lap and caress my hair, repeatedly repeating that everything will be fine. However, it is more likely that the sky falls than that my mother would show me some motherly love.

    That woman is ice-cold and emotionless in every way that exists. There is not a single drop of love in her body. Do you know what she gave me when I turned sixteen? I got a drug test, a pack of condoms, and a book on wit and etiquette. You feel the love, don't you?

    Now it doesn't matter anyway. I have learned something from it and conclude that I never intend to become such a mother as I have. My children will never have to grow up in such a home; they will have me present at all their life achievements. I'll be there by every single one.

    I intend to love them for the people they are, never will I say that they are wrong because they choose a particular path in life. Homosexuality, drug problems, it does not matter what it is. If any of my children end up in a life of crime or danger, I will be there. Nothing stands in my way between my children and me.

    I'm lucky to have them. In a past life, I must have been a saint to have earned my four little angels who compliment my days. Fiona will never be alone or have to be afraid, for she has not only me but also three brothers, a father and three uncles who will protect her. Jeez, we have a lot of men in our lives.

"Mommy?" a small voice bounces against the walls.

    I stand up and walk towards Caleb's room; he sits in his bed and looks down at his hands. Something worries him, he is always the one who falls asleep first, and he also sleeps deeply. His eyes are tired, yet he just sits there waiting for me. I sit down next to him and put him on my lap.

"What is it, my baby boy?" I coo in his ear and kiss him on the temple.

    He barely moves, my hand lands on his forehead to sense his temperature. His body is not hot or cold, it is healthy, and there is nothing wrong with his breathing either. What's going on inside that cute little head of his? I caress his cheek softly and patiently wait for him to start talking.

"Where is our daddy?" he asks and looks at me with those big puppy eyes.

    My heart clenches. What am I supposed to answer to that question? 'Mommy f****d daddy in a utility closet at a bar and never spoke to him again'? I can't even begin to think about how he must feel after discovering that Fiona has a father, and he didn't.

"I don't know, baby. He's out there somewhere."

"But why isn't he here? Does he not want us?" he whispers, and a small tear lands on my hand.

    Oh my god, my baby thinks that he's wanted. Even though I don't remember the boys' father, he was indeed a sweetheart, and he would have taken care of the boys well. Don't ask me how I know that I just do. But now, I need to make sure that he knows that he is loved.

"Caleb, look at me please," I say, and he looks up at me through his long lashes. "Do you know how I met your daddy?"

"No."

"I was out to have fun and met the most wonderful man there. We laughed and joked with each other. I had felt bad earlier in the evening, but he did everything well again. We created you together that night, and it was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Not only did I get to have fun and spend time with an amazing person, but he also gave me the three of you. If he were here now, he would have told you how much he loves you. But since he's not, I want you to know how much I love you. I love you for the both of us, my little prince and I will never leave you. Okay?"

"Okay, mama. I love you."

"I love you even more," I say and kiss him on the forehead.

    I help him settle down and pull the comforter over his small body. His big eyes look up at me, and his little mouth reveals a ghost of a smile. Once again, I kiss him on the forehead before I walk out of the room. My head is spinning, and my heart is aching. My boy needs his dad; I need to find him!

    Maybe I can ask the guys for help. If they can find me, wouldn't they be able to find the triplets father too? I tried calling all the others before I wrap up Damiens that I have imprinted in my mind. My fingers don't press the 'call' button, though. Instead, I stare at the number and try to compose myself. In the end, I push and wait for him to answer.

"Damien Winston." his dark voice says.

"Um, hi Damien. It's me."

"Paulina? Is everything alright? Are the kids okay?"

"Yes, there's no need to worry. We're all fine. Well, the kids are at least..."

"Paulina... I'm very sorry if I overstepped today."

"No, it's okay," I say and sniffle. "It was hard, that's all."

"Do you-"

"I called because I need your help."

"Anything."

"I need help to find the dad to the triplets."

"Why do you want to start the hunt again?"

"Because Caleb asked me earlier why he didn't have a daddy and why his father didn't want or love him."

    The line goes quiet for so long that I think he's hung up. If I didn't hear his breathing, I would probably think he did. Something about my answer made him react; I wonder why. Could it be that he somehow has the same fantasy of us being together with all the kids and that the triplets father would crash that very same fantasy?

"His father loves him dearly." he finally says.

"Yeah, I know that if he did, he couldn't love these little monsters, and he believes me for the time being. But they are growing up and understands more each day. They get questions at daycare and see the other kids have two parents. Now when they know that you are Fiona's daddy, is it inevitable that the boys will not begin to wonder about their own."

"I can understand that, yes. Do you- Should I come over?"

    My blood runs cold. What? No! You should under no circumstances come here because I will probably break down and cry, because I miss you so much. I can not say that, however, so instead of saying no as my brain tells me to do and as I have intended to do. My body lives its own life and said instead;

"Yes, that would be lovely. Thank you."

    I slap my forehead with my hand. What the hell is wrong with me?! I behave like a petulant child who can't take simple instructions. His breath became heavier by my answer, and I can hear him smiling.

"I'll be there in five."

"Okay, I will meet you downstairs."

    We put on, and I change into my cotton pajamas instead of the sweaty clothes I wore earlier in the day. Yeah, I'm nervous, okay! I can't control neither my breath nor my heartbeat when it comes to him. All I want is for him to own up to what he did and understand that all those things that happened hurt me very badly.

    I walk down the stairs and stand by the glass door. The cold stone floor makes me shiver when my bare feet touch the surface. Damien is going to have to hurry up; I'm going to freeze to death if I'm going to stand here! Finally, he walks with quick steps towards me, and I unlock the door.

    We don't say anything; instead, I lead him to the right floor and let him go first. Toys are scattered across the floor, and several drawings have fallen from the overcrowded refrigerator door. It's not easy to decide whose picture is going up because I can't pick one over the others, it gets unfair, and I would never hear the end of it.

"Excuse the mess; it's not easy to keep clean here with four terrorists who can mess up a room just bypassing it." I laugh nervously.

    I take Darby's action figures off the couch and shovel the bread crumbs off the pad. He smiles politely and sits down. The silence between us is unpleasant. It's probably because we never had any problems talking to each other before everything turned upside down.

"What are you going to do about this whole 'I don't know my daddy' situation? It must be hard on you, too, as their mother. I can't even begin to try to understand what you're feeling."

"Truthfully, I have no f*****g idea. My little guy asks me why his dad isn't here, and I don't know what to answer. How am I supposed to make him understand what a one-night-stand is? I feel like such a bad mother." I say and put my head in my hands.

    He stands and sits down beside me. His strong arms engulf me in a hug that makes tiny sparks to descend their way through my body. I dare not say anything or move, I do it maybe he moves, and I do not want to. Right now, I need to be right where I am in his presence.

"You are a strong and capable mother, do not ever doubt it. If I had been in your situation, I'm not so sure I could have done what you're doing. You sleep less than eight hours each night, have uncomfortable working hours, and are forced to show your body to strangers to then come home and take care of an entire home and your family. You deserve everything, honey." he says and caresses me over the hair.

"I don't feel powerful. All I want to do is crawl under the covers and not wake up until everything is fine again. But I can't because my children are worth all the time and effort I put into them to have a good time. I fight on and battle my way through life for their sake." I answer and make small circles with my finger on his forearm.

    He keeps me a few inches from him and studies me carefully. His eyes once again penetrate my soul like so many times before. Without thinking, I put my hand to his cheek and smile gently. He leans forward slowly, and I do the same. Until our lips meet and I feel whole for the first time since I left him.