Running (baby daddy series #2) {COMPLETED}

| 16 | f****d up

Damien POV

    Once again, I've f****d up. I can't understand what it is that makes me act like a total jerk towards the woman of my dreams. My mother would have been humiliated if she saw how I treated Paulina. She's probably turning in her grave now. Damn, I'm ashamed of myself and the person I've become.

    It's no wonder that Paulina does not want to be with me or see me. I behave like her husband when we are not even together. I have no right to decide who or whom she meets and dates. The jealousy inside of me exploded when I heard her talking to that guy. I couldn't control myself...

    I'm not worthy of her; I understand that now. Why do I always do things like this?! I talk before thinking and hurt everyone involved in the process. Why am I like this? Am I that traumatized by my broken childhood that I can't even behave like people?

    Small fragments of myself I recognize from my father. An evil and angry person who didn't care if he hurt other people. I don't want to be like that. My children will hate me in the end as much as my brothers, and I hate our father.

    I need to get my act together and find out what the f**k is making me behave like this. Paulina is the love of my life, yet I throw away her love because of petty things. She is not an unfair person, which means that I know that she will at least let me meet my daughter. Our sons, on the other hand...

    Since I'm an i***t who still hasn't told her the truth, she can refuse me to meet them. I have no right to ask for it, not until a paternity test is done. None of them will forgive me, and why should they? They have no reason. I've let them down over and over.

    My head is in my hands; I hear Paulina tell the kids to go out and get in the car with Adrien. They do as she says and closes the door behind them, she's still there. I look up at her and am met by an empty look, my God I have destroyed her.

"This has to stop now, Damien. We both need to be able to move on and meet other people; we can't unless you let me go. It wasn't a genuinely good idea from the start. If I hadn't accepted the solutions Jaxon offered me, neither of us would have to walk around with a broken heart now." she says and walks up to me, her hand gently caressing my cheek. "You have to let me go. Please, let me go."

    She kisses my forehead and does not move directly but allows her lips to stay against my skin longer than necessary. One of her tears falls on my hand, and when I look up at her, she tries to smile. After that, she goes out the door with her head held high without turning back around.

  It takes all I have in me not to run after her and force her into the apartment again. I never want to let her go, but now I no longer have a choice. Until I have learned to control the jealousy and the sudden anger within me, I cannot be with her.

  I would never hurt either her or the children, at least not physically. But I'm obviously very good at damaging her mentally. It must stop, and I must find out what it is that controls me in this way. We have kids together for f**k's sake!

  I think I'm going crazy; I don't f*****g know what to do! My hands tear and pull my hair; tears threaten to fall. What should I do? When I close my eyes, everything I see is her pretty face and a smile that shines stronger than the sun.

  There's nothing I wouldn't do for her sake, and the worst part is that the secret about me being the father of her child... That's far from the biggest secret I have. It is so large that it can demolish, implode, and explode everything that is around us.

  That truth will come out to her, too, and it's worse than me being her sons' father. If it comes out, she'll never forgive me, no way. I cannot tell you yet what it is, but believe me, you will not like it... If you don't already hate me, then you're probably going to do it because I've kept yet another mega big secret from Paulina...

  Everything will come to light, whether it's me telling it, or it's someone else. If I could just tell you about the biggest secret, it would probably end better than if I kept it away. The problem is that it must not come out that Paulina means this much to me or that I have children; they would be in direct danger.

  We can at least say that I have made a deal that preserves peace throughout the city and will be a deadly war if I break the agreement. Maybe that's why I keep hurting Paulina because I want her to start hating me and stay away?

  If so, how come I can't stay away from her? My subconscious and heart know that she and I belong to each other. But my brain is logical and always reminds me of the importance of keeping them safe. Nothing is more important than their lives.

  I have to learn to live without her, that's all. Swallowing a liter of corrosive acid and lifting a ton of lead would be more comfortable than forgetting her... Forget; her eyes, how she throws with her hair, her scent, the laughter... Oh, please, God, kill me now...

***

Paulina POV

    Leaving Damien once again was no easier than the first. As soon as I got in the car, the questions begin as to why Damien does not follow more; I am grateful that Adrien is with me in the car. He answers the questions for me and puts on a movie in the back seat that they can watch.

"Are you alright?" Adrien asks in a hushed tone.

"No, but I will be," I answer with a small smile.

    He accepts my answer and turns his eyes back at the road. We drive in silence, except for the children's laughter in the back. I've discussed the issue with the guys, except Damien, of course, and we've concluded that the kids are going to stay with Damien.

   I don't like leaving them behind, but I can't stay in the same apartment as him. Me and the kids are at risk right now, with the Ravellie brothers and all. Since I refused to stay, we're taking the children with us to pack their bags. I need to find a new job, and I won't be able to relax when my babies are with me.

   They might be in danger, and I can't demand all of this from Brianna. It's better if I stay here, find another apartment closer to Damien for Fiona's sake, and find a job. Adrien and the brothers didn't like my idea, but they can't force me either. They were content with protecting the children, at least.

   I unlock the door and walk inside; everything is as we left it. The children run into their rooms to pack their things. Me and Adrien sit down in the kitchen. I start the coffee maker and try to keep away all the pain inside me. 'Not as long as the children and Adrien are here, after that I can break,' I think for myself.

   My best friend is observing me, he knows that something is wrong. I ignore him the best I can and open the cabinet to pick down two cups. My mind is going haywire, but I don't care, I can't stop doing things, I'll break down the second I stop.

"Paulina, stop," Adrien says and grabs me by the shoulders. "You are not fine, don't lie to me."

"No, nothing is fine, and I'm not sure if it'll ever be again," I answer in a broken whisper.

"Why aren't you talking about it?"

"Because talking about it makes it real. It makes the pain, the tears, the emptiness, and the heartbreak so much worse than it already is. I love that man, and this is how he repays me? He may be the man in my life, but I won't take s**t even from him. Damien mistreated me, and it's not the first time. It feels like he's doing it on purpose somehow. I just... I want to love and be loved back. But I guess that was too much to ask for." I say and pour coffee into the cups before handing him one of them. 

   He accepts the cup, and don't comment about my rant. I can see the gears working inside of his mind, processing my words, and it's meaning. Adrien knows me better than anyone else, probably better than I do. He always knows what to say, but right now, he looks like he can't tell.

   I don't blame him, neither do I. This whole situation is a mess, and I don't think that either me or Damien can handle it right now. We need to handle all the stress and problems we have in our lives before thinking about sorting out this.

   Caleb is walking inside the kitchen, he looks forlorn, like he doesn’t know where to go. I squat down to his level and wait for him to come to me. When his eyes meet mine, my heart is clenching by the sight. He looks sad and won't look at me directly.

"What is it, Caleb?" I ask with worry dripping from my voice.

"Why won't you come with us to Fiona's dad?" he asks.

"I need to stay here to take care of things. Like the new apartment, and I need to find a new job too. We're going to move closer to the big city, and then you and the others can play with the guys."

"You promise?"

"Yes, I promise, baby. Now, are you done packing?"

"Almost..."

"Then be a big boy and pack the last things, you need to leave soon. Can you do me a favor and check if the others are done?"

"Do I get to be in charge?" he asks with eager and hopeful eyes.

"Yes, you're in charge of the packing. Now, go and make sure they're ready."

"Okay, love you, mommy!"

   He skips away, and I chuckle at him. Such a goofball sometimes. Adrien is still watching me. I want to tell him that everything will be alright, but I'm not sure if it will. Like so many times before, I feel lost and broken down in more ways than one.

   Before he can say anything, though, all the children come running into the kitchen where we're sitting. They're excited to sleep in the city again and bug Adrien until he drinks the last coffee drops. I hug all my babies, tell them how much I love them, and that we will see each other soon again.

   I watch the car leave, and don't move from my place at the window until I can't see the car anymore. 'Now, I'm all alone,' I think for myself, and this time, I don't hold my tears but let them fall freely. f**k, it hurts so damn much that he's gone! Please, God, help me... Because I don't know how much more I can take...