The Cure to My Scar

I love you, but...

"Please... don't give up on me. Please, don't give up on us. Please..." And his tears begin falling onto my nape. I can feel his warm teardrops as he begged for my forgiveness.

"I'm tired of everything, Ethan. I need some time to think." I exclaimed but he immediately stand in front of me and blocked my way out.

In the back of my mind, I was so sure that I already made my decision and that's final. But I was so shocked when I see him on his knees as he kneeled in front of me and begs for my forgiveness. He was rubbing his palms and tears keep rushing onto his cheeks as he cries for another chance.

I was so sure a few seconds ago but seeing him acting this way made me have a change of heart. I never saw him acting this way. I never knew that he can be this vulnerable. Seeing him this way feels like there's a sharp object that has been pierced into my heart and made me so weak easily.

We both cry as I looked into his pleading eyes. And for some reason, I was convinced. I'm not sure if begging for an apology would be enough after what he has done to me but what I'm sure is I can't stand seeing him acting this way. And so our tearful night ended up with forgiveness.

The next morning, we have talked about his current situation as he promised and I was shocked to hear what he has said.

He was assigned to a project and his manager introduced him to a subcontractor. But eventually, this transaction backfired their project. His manager suddenly disappear with the project budget and it turned out that he was scammed. And since he is the one who signed the contract, it costs him his job. He was fired from his company and even demanded to pay a fine for the breach of contract for the said project. He didn't know what to do or to whom he could run.

He didn't tell me anything about it hoping that he could find a new job but it turned out that the rumor spreads easily to their field. He loses even his credibility.

By that time, the only thing he could lean on was the liquor. That's why he ends up that way.

I suddenly felt guilty after listening to his story. I am his partner, living under the same roof, sharing the same bed yet I didn't know anything about these. I realized that I was lacking in that aspect. After fixing the misunderstanding, we decided to have a new fresh start and leave everything behind, hoping that everything will get better.

Or so I thought.

Because the promise of having a new fresh start didn't last. It only took few weeks and he's back to his bad habit, alcohol.

=======

Just like any other day, he came home dead drunk and almost crawl towards our room. And those days turned to weeks, and those weeks end up to months. I thought if we will gonna talk things out and fully understands each other, things will change for the better. I didn't know that everything can turn worst in just a blink of an eye. He became more dependent on alcohol as time goes by.

Since we lost all our savings and he couldn't help with our finances, I've been juggling two to three jobs while handling everything in the house. But just like any other day, he came home so wasted and his face looks like he fought with somebody else. I run into him as soon as I saw his face. I was so worried but he looks like he was so dead drunk.

I've been struggling to pull him into the bed but he just giggles. And hearing him giggling and acting like a d*mn loser annoys me so much. I can't believe I end up doing this thing for him. Working multiple jobs while doing all the household chores and now, taking care of drunkard mess. It's so draining physically and emotionally. I couldn't hold it anymore.

I throw a bowl of water to bring him back into his senses and he jumped into the bed. He looked at me furiously and yelled at the way I behaved.

"What the h*ck, Chloe! What do you think are you doing?!" He yelled. And I was flabbergasted by his shamelessness. I was so furious. Where did he get the nerves to yell at me when he's acting this way.

"Ethan, please! I am so tired from doing everything while working and doing the household chores at the same time. Can you please at least take care of yourself?! I don't have the energy to take care of your drunken habits?!" I exclaimed. I hate nagging but this is too much. This is the least I could do or else, I'll day from overworking.

Ethan's gaze changes as he heard those words. He felt like I was rubbing salt on his wounds. He felt like I was stepping onto his ego which made him infuriated.

He pulled me and squeezes my arms tightly as he looked at me with those eyes. I screamed from so much pain but he didn't let me go and pulled me closer.

"Are you tired of me?! Are you acting almighty just because you earn a living while I can't?! Are you spitting right into my face that I'm useless, is that what you mean?!?" He pulled me while squeezing both sides of my arms and he didn't flinch a bit even I was screaming from too much pain. He was enraged that he didn't care at all about how hard he held onto me.

"E-Ethan...Stop...stop it! You are... hurting me." I begged but his eyes were so red while looking at me intently.

He throws me onto the bed and I wasn't able to move from so much pain. Tears streams down my face as I felt so sorry that things happened this way again.

Ethan left the room and banged the door. He didn't even look back or even felt sorry for what he did for me. He just left me like a thrown-away useless object.

They said love gets sweeter the second time around but why ours gets bitter as time goes by. I thought all we need was a second chance to make things work but it just end up getting worst. Where did we go wrong? Did we start too soon just like mom said? Or maybe we need a little bit more alone time to dwell on our wounds.

I don't know what to do anymore. All I can do right now is to bawl out and hang in there until we can get through this phase.

I was about to take asleep when I feel like Ethan crawled back to the bed as if nothing happened. He showers me with small kisses and hugged me from behind. I moved a little to give some space between us but he moved closer to me and continue with what he is doing.

"Ethan, stop it."

But he didn't stop as if he's insisting that lovemaking could resolve what happened.

"Ethan, I said stop!!" He paused as he was shocked at the way I yelled at him. this is not the right time for this but he's insisting as if we can just shrug things off as if nothing happened.

"I-I'm sorry. I'm just too tired. Just go to sleep." But Ethan seems like didn't like the way I acted on him.

He pulled me so we can face each other and he kisses me rudely and forcibly. I tried to push him away but he pinned me on the bed and held my wrists tightly as he place himself on top of me. He used all his strength to make sure I couldn't escape from him.

After a few hours, Ethan attained what he wants ruthlessly and now snoring so hard right beside me while I continuously wiping these silent tears on my cheeks. I didn't imagine myself being treated this way. And I can't believe I let myself be treated this way.

I slowly moved out of the bed and covered myself with a blanket as I walked towards the bathroom. My whole body is in real pain so I looked at myself in the mirror. Tears kept streaming down my face as I observed how messed up and pitiful my situation is.

I moved a little and touched the coin-sized reddish spot on my right arm. Touching it made me twitch from pain. I couldn't help but keep whimpering as I see myself in the mirror is like that. I removed the blanket that cover my body and watches myself through the mirror. I covered my mouth as I sobbed from shock when I saw the bruises all over my body. I felt so bad for myself for being treated this way.

They say love gets sweeter the second time around and fine wines were made out of time. But why do our relationship turned sour and end up being bitter as time goes by?

I thought we can work this out but I guess second chance just repeats the history. I guess not all relationship deserves a second chance. I guess, once is enough and two is too much for ours.

These bruises say them all. One red flag is enough to prove that hanging onto this type of relationship will be self-destructing.

I guess it's time to give up. The rotten rope of hope is a false hope. Holding tight onto it doesn't mean we can keep the knot tied as long as we hold onto it tightly. I guess it's time to let go and set myself free from the misery.

I wiped my tears abruptly and cover myself with the blanket again. I looked at the sleeping Ethan. I observed him sleeping peacefully.

I can't imagine that this angelic face can look at me with those blazing eyes. I can't believe that this man I've been dreaming of to spent the rest of my life with can hurt me in all aspects. I can't believe that I will give up on us before you do. I'm sorry, but this has to end.

I love you Ethan but I need to love myself and protect it from anyone which you failed to do so. Our promise of for better or for worst never gets better and just getting worst each day. I love you but I have to save myself from you.

I gave him a peck on his forehead and looked at him dearly for the last time.

I love you. But loving you at the expense of myself is awry.