The Cure to My Scar

Haphephobia

I get myself dressed up, picked up my phone and wallet. I took another glance at Ethan who is sleeping peacefully on the bed and the memories starts flashing back.

The first day we stay in this house, the laughter we exchanged while buying the furniture for the living room, the sweet argument on which color of beddings suit our bedroom, our sweet moment while cooking in the kitchen, and our cuddles on the terrace while drinking coffee during rainy days. Everything is perfect. Everything was perfect until Ethan changes.

I wiped all the tears that stream down my cheeks and closed the door slowly and carefully. I walked towards the main road and rode a taxi cab. I couldn't stop crying, maybe because of the pain from leaving Ethan behind, or maybe because of the physical and emotional abuse I've been experiencing, or maybe because of the regrets of not listening to my mom back then.

The cab stopped right in front of a familiar house. I looked at it and it never changed at all. It is still the same warm place where I grew up. The place where all I can remember was all the happy memories I've shared with my mom and dad. The place where I truly belong. The place where I always feel secure. My sanctuary.

I was about to press the doorbell but I was kinda hesitant. It's been years since the last time I visit this place.

I looked at my phone to see what time it is and it's 2:40 am. I didn't realize that it is so late when I left the house. All I was thinking of is to escape from that miserable place.

I took a deep breath and kept rubbing my hands on the side of my pants. I am thorn if I should press the doorbell or not. I don't wanna wake them up in the middle of the night but I have nowhere else to go at this point. I'm afraid that they will abandon me just like the way I did when I chose Ethan over my own family.

What if they won't accept me back?

I was so persistent living with Ethan despite my mom's opposition towards my impulsive decision but look at me right now, walking on my own accord, crawling back to the place I used to abandon over the years.

I exhaled and took all the courage to press the doorbell. I know it's late but I can't help but feel disappointed that no one came out to open the door for me. I guess they have forgotten about me.

But I have to do whatever it takes so they will accept me back or else, I have to live in the street. There's no one else I could run to in this late at night and I don't wanna burden and disturb anyone.

I pressed the bell and waited for a few more seconds. Still, no one is coming out. I was about to press the bell once more when someone look out of the window. My face brightens as soon as I saw someone noticed me standing outside.

Having a glimpse of mom's face made me so emotional and my eyes were welling up. As soon as she realized that it was me, waiting outside of the house, she immediately run towards the gate and opens it hurriedly. Without uttering a single word, mom envelopes me with her wide open arms. The warmth that I missed so much, the warmth that I need at these struggling times, the warmth that I thought I would never feel anymore.

I can feel her tears dropping on my shoulder as she whimpers seeing me this way. She embraces me tightly and taps my back as if she knew that I am in so much pain. She pulls me off her embrace and looked at my face carefully. She wipes my tears and her eyes looked at me worriedly.

After a few more seconds, Dad came out and he was so shocked to see me right there. They both can't believe that I am standing right in front of them after how many years of turning back at them.

"What happened? What makes you rush at this point? It's so late. Did he drop you off?" Dad queried anxiously.

I didn't say anything, or more like, I can't say anything. Despite everything we have been through, I still wanna keep everything in me. I don't want them to worry about it. What's important is I'm home and I won't leave anymore.

Mom noticed through my reaction that I find it hard to answer dad's question so she just runs my shoulder gently and mouthed that it's okay.

"Let me cook something for you." Mom rushed into the kitchen. But everything she holds slip into her hand. Maybe she was too shocked and worried at the same time, wondering what made me rushed home this late.

I walked towards her and hold her hand. I looked at her dearly and she exhaled. But she couldn't hold it anymore. She burst into tears once again as soon as I clasped her hand tightly. Mom never failed to understand what I truly feel even if I don't have to spell everything out. We ended the night with a warm hug and walked me to my room.

Looking around my room after vacating it for a long time feels strange. I didn't know that I'll be back here. I thought I'll never sleep here alone anymore.

Mom was fixing the beddings and taps the bed as if asking me to lay down. And without any thought, I immediately tucked myself in the bed. She remain seated beside my bed while I was lying down. She just keep looking at me without asking any questions. Those eyes looks at me with so much curiosity but she just kept quiet. It's kinda strange because I am used to her nagging but it is somehow comforting.

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"And now you end up being here with us today after all that has happened?" Prof. Cruz queried.

I just nodded in response.

I never imagined I was able to share the pain I've been dealing with as I was so afraid that people would blame me for being so impulsive or they might mock me for being a victim twice.

But for some reason, I strangely feel like I can manage to breathe little by little as I share the pain I've been dealing with on my own.

"You know Chloe, people who have been dealing with emotional battles keep holding on thinking that it was all out of love, without realizing that they have been garnering deeper wounds as time goes by. To the point that your body and mind tend to protect themselves which you failed to do so."

Listening to Prof. Cruz's words left me speechless. I felt like a bucket of ice was thrown onto my body and me frozen. His words strike deep into my heart and all I could do was shed another tear.

I garner a deep wound while protecting the love I thought would protect me. The love I thought would keep me from suffering made me suffer. The love I thought would make me feel alive suffocates me. The love I thought would make me feel happy and special brought tears and pain in each night. The love I thought would keep me warm brought cold bruises all over my body.

My mom came in and Prof. Cruz explains my condition and he said that I am suffering from Haphephobia. I am having panic attacks when I am being touched, and in my case, it seems like I am particularly fainting when I have some physical contact with men. The trauma I've suffered from physical and emotional abuse from Ethan developed the phobia.

My mom starts crying as soon as she hears the Doctors diagnosis. and looking at her feeling so sorry for me made me shed tears as well.

"There are some antidepressants which I can prescribe to you but it can only help with controlling symptoms and doing some therapies can help you deal with it so it won't affect your daily life. But there is no certain way we can treat it."

Mom bawled out as she heard that my case is hopeless. I feel so bad that my mom is crying so much just because of me. I hugged her tight to calm her down but she continuously whimpers.

They say that a person has one out of five hundred sixty-two chances to fall in love with someone you are compatible with. It shows how finding love that is compatible with you is very slim, that's why I considered myself lucky when I found Ethan. I don't wanna waste any chance that's I immediately agreed when he asked to live under the same roof. Even if I have to go against my parents.

But look at me right now, dwelling with the emotional wound that is incurable. The Iove I thought would be the source of my will to live became the cause of my suffering.

I guess loving someone without loving yourself is like giving away something you don't own. If you think enduring will make things better, then you must wake up from that delusion. Because abuse is abuse, there are no excuses that can conceal the fact that it is the least you deserve from loving a person.