The Cure to My Scar

False Hope

My eyes were shaking as I shut them down tightly, trying my best to overcome this fear of reminiscing the darkest days of our relationship. Some would probably say that it's my fault that things happened that way because I let him do that to me but during those times, what I can only think about is if I give up on him then there's no one else he can lean on.

Some call it foolishness but for me, it's how I convey my love for him. Love is when you stick with the person at his best and help him get through on his worst. Faith in the relationship is a must. Not because things became difficult does it mean you have to give up. So I endured each painful and miserable day.

I chose him over my parents who showered me nothing but love. No matter how against they are with my impulsive decision, I insisted on living with him thinking that it was the best for me. So I have to stand with the choice I made. We promised to share the life, whether on our worst or our best. In a year or two, we are about to tie the knot and make our relationship official in front of the altar. So giving up just like that is not an option.

During those struggling times, I believed that what he needs by then was enough time to deal with it on his own yet I'll always stay by his side when he needs me. If only I'll hold onto our relationship, maybe things will be better. Fighting for our relationship is the best answer I could figure out during those times. I thought that being a little bit selfless makes the relationship stronger.

"Most of the domestic violence victims think that enduring the pain once or twice is all they need to do. Not thinking that it is just the beginning of their misery." Prof. Cruz explained.

And that hits straight into my heart. He was right. It was just the beginning. Because after enduring the pain physically twice or thrice, hitting me became frequent.

As months have passed, believing he will change became impossible. Instead of changing for the better, he turned into the worst. The dream life as a couple that I've been aiming for became my life's worst nightmare.

Just like any other day, he always came home wasted. He looks like a mess with that unshaved mustache and beards. His hair became messier and stinks because of the alcohol. One day, he came home and I caught him arguing with the taxi driver because he pays him with a receipt instead of bills. I was shocked by the commotion he is creating due to his drunkard act so I immediately butted in and fixed the situation. Or else, the neighborhood will complain about his irresponsible actions.

I pull his arm and wrapped it around my shoulder so he could lean on me. He is too drunk that he couldn't even walk on his own. I almost dragged him home as he already fell asleep before we could arrive inside the house.

I pushed him onto the bed immediately as soon as I managed to drag him inside. I removed his shoes and his socks so I could lay him on the bed properly. I walked towards the sink to get some tap water and mixed some alcohol so I could bathe him that way. He stinks so bad and smells like he pukes all over his clothes.

I pulled him sideways so I can remove his shirt and change him into a new one. I remove his belt and pull them off so I could change him into a new one. But he complains while he's in his sleep and throws his arm in the air but it accidentally landed on my face. It hits my face hard but I just ignore it thinking that it was unintentional. I just continue with wiping his entire face then down to his neck and shoulder.

I was wiping his arms when he suddenly woke up and he stares at me as if he doesn't know how he managed to crawl into our room. I just stare blankly at him while continuing to clean him up. I thought he will feel a little bit guilty but he didn't say anything. I've been asking him about what's going on but he never answered my question. Instead, he comes home dead drunk each day as if it's his way of avoiding the hot seat.

My phone vibrates and received a message showing that a huge lump of money has been withdrawn from our savings account. So immediately checked on my online bank account and I was shocked to see that we lost almost everything in it.

I was so furious seeing how our savings disappear into thin air. The hard-earned money that we've been saving up for years disappears just like that. I took the towel and hit it onto him multiple times as I cry out so loud from devastation. He woke up, annoyed with my violent reaction.

He was irritated that I woke him up that way and looked at me with furrowed brows.

"What the heck?!" He exclaimed but he was surprised to see me crying that way.

Then his expression changes when I throw to him my phone, showing the text message.

He felt somewhat guilty at first but he jumped out of the bed, annoyed as if it was not a big deal.

"Where did you bring all the money?!" I yelled at him while crying out loud.

I can stand dealing with his drunkard acts but wasting our savings for nonsense in just one snap was too much.

He walked abruptly towards the kitchen and check on the fridge, looking for some beer. He scratches his head vigorously as the empty fridge welcomes him.

I run after him and pull him forcibly so he could face me while talking but he kept avoiding me. I pulled his arm once more to stop him from escaping but he pushed away forcibly and I end up hurting my shoulder as I bump onto the edge of our wooden dining table.

I cried even more as I was so upset with everything. I've been trying so d*mn hard to make things work for us but fighting for our relationship on my own is exhausting.

"I-I'm sorry. You kept pestering me so I---" He exhaled from exasperation. He was sorry and furious at the same time.

Then he just walked back to the bedroom and banged the door. He left me bawling out on the floor just like that. Furious, disappointed, devastated, exhausted, frustrated. Regret begins swallowing up my mind as I keep holding on to these rotten pieces of hope that things will get better.

I walked hurriedly towards our room and pulled out my luggage bag and throw all my clothes in it. I guess it's about time to give up. The more I hold onto this rotten rope called hope, the more I garner wounds physically and emotionally. Tears kept flowing onto my cheeks while I packed my things and Ethan was shocked to see me acting that way.

I pulled my luggage hurriedly was about to step out of the door when Ethan held onto my luggage to stop me from leaving. I just looked at him furiously but he lets go. I pulled the luggage with all my might and I was able to remove his grip. But I was stunned when he hugged me tightly from behind to stop me from taking another step away from him.

"I-I'm sorry Chloe. I will never do it again. I'm sorry I hurt you unintentionally." He begged as he was quivering from fear to see me giving upon us.

But I forcibly escape from his hug and he uses more of his strength so I can't escape from his hug. He hugged me tightly even more that I almost couldn't breathe.

"Please... don't give up on me. Please, don't give up on us. Please..." And his tears begin falling onto my nape. I can feel his warm teardrops as he begged for my forgiveness.

"I'm tired of everything, Ethan. I need some time to think." I exclaimed but he immediately stand in front of me.

I was shocked to see him on his knees as he kneeled in front of me and begs for my forgiveness. He was rubbing his palms and tears keep rushing onto his cheeks as he cries for another chance.

I never saw this side of him. I've never seen him so wrecked until today. I am used to seeing the strong, reliant, and confident Ethan whom I loved so much. I didn't imagine he can be this fragile. And for some reason, it slowly melts my heart.

I don't wanna see him self-destructing more than this. Imagining him ruined more than this breaks my heart even more.

I slowly reached for his arms and pulled him up from kneeling and gently caresses him to console him. Once again, I gave up on my feelings just because I can't stand seeing him acting this way. My love for him is way too strong than the rage and disappointment I have in me.

I am mad but he's sorry. I am disappointed but he begged. I am exhausted but I love him very much. And loving him this much means I can endure everything for his sake.

I gradually remove my grip from my luggage and put both of my palms onto his cheeks. I have tears on my face but I chose to wipe his. I am still in pain but I consider his pain more than I do. I didn't know I can be this selfless until I fell in love with this man. I guess that's how strong my love can be.

====

Days have passed and Ethan has shown some changes. He stopped going home drunk and wasted. He even opened up what's the main reason why he acted that way. And eventually, I was able to forgive him. The glimpse of hope peeks in. Or so I thought.

Because in less than two weeks, my deepest nightmare reappears. He came back to his drunken habits and went home dead drunk.

The hope I thought would bring better changes into our lives was about to come in. But I guess I was wrong.

After all, it was just false hope.