The Mating Game

Monday Nights

It’s Monday, my least favorite day of the week.  Walking from the house and refusing to look back I head towards the pond which is the only place in the world where I seem to find any solace when Aaron isn’t with me.  The pond has become a symbol to me it’s where I am able to wash away all of the terrible things that are happening in my world.  I feel like this is the one place where I can start off fresh again.  Monday nights after dinner have now become Aaron’s designated time with Katie.  It happens the same way each Monday night.  We eat in silence, wash the dishes in silence, and never make eye contact with one another. Then it’s my cue to leave.  I grab a bar of soap, a change of clothes, and a towel and leave the house.  The first few times I tried staying in my bedroom, but the sound of the creaking bed and the image of what was happening just down the hall made me so violently sick that I vomited and sobbed during the entire time Aaron was in his room with Katie.  It took all night for Aaron to calm me down as I lay broken in his arms picturing over and over again what I heard going on in the room behind my thin bedroom wall.  Learning my lesson about how thin the walls actually are I now leave the house, without looking back. There’s no reason to look back.  I can’t change anything that is happening.  No matter how I feel or how Aaron feels we are stuck in this revolting cycle.  He has to mate with Katie, or they will both be punished. On my way to the pond, I try focusing on my heartbeat, my breathing, or on the wind blowing through the trees, hell I try to focus on anything except for the image of Aaron and Katie.  However, I am never successful, tonight just like every Monday night I begin my long walk of solitude to the pond with the hope that I will not be affected by what is happening in the home I’ve left behind.  However, the familiar cramps in my stomach start tightening across my abdomen, and then the bile begins rising in my throat.  Flashes of Aaron and Katie flow through my mind, and no matter how hard I try to fight them and to keep them at bay, they bombard my mind again and again.  Right now he is inside her and I’m out here alone.  Reaching my limit yet again I run over to the nearest tree as my dinner comes back up.  I have gotten used to this happening weekly so now on Mondays I eat a very light dinner.  Tears free fall from my eyes and the pain is renewed and back at the surface once more.  Aaron and I will begin the process of healing tonight after he has finished with her and it will take all week to get back to some semblance of normalcy and then it will start all over again next Monday.  Reaching the pond, I undress and step into the welcomed blackness.  Dipping under the water my thoughts wander.  I know it’s not any easier for Aaron.  He comes here every Monday night when he finishes his duty, and each time he arrives he is pale with dark circles under his eyes.  He is always quiet, often not speaking at all.  He simply removes his clothes and steps into the water and begins scrubbing himself with the soap I have brought with me.  Sometimes I help him if he’ll let me but other times he doesn’t want to be touched until he is completely clean.  Surfacing from under the water I look towards the path where his familiar lantern light will soon appear.  He never takes too long to arrive, but tonight it seems like I have been wading in the water longer than usual.  Peering into the darkness, I search for any flicker of light.  Nothing. What if he is starting to enjoy his time with Katie? Is he taking pleasure in it tonight? The cramps return to my stomach, and soon I’m on the brink of hyperventilating.  Breathing hard, my heart beats rapidly in my chest threatening to burst out of its cavity.  Unable to organize any kind of thoughts in my mind, I repeat the same phrase over and over again.  Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Seconds turn into minutes. My eyes are becoming blurred with the water from my tears, and I’m beginning to feel lightheaded from the lack of oxygen. Then like my very own saving grace, a small flicker of light appears on the dark trail and in that instance life returns back to my body as my muscles start to relax. Focusing on the nearing light, I concentrate on gaining control over my body once more.  He looks like he always does when I see his pale face, dark circles, defeated look, but he is crying tonight.  Making eye contact with me, he lurches over and viciously vomits onto the ground.  Becoming concerned I move towards him, but as soon as Aaron sees my approach, he holds up his hand to stop me and shakes his head no. Stopping I know he needs his space.  He throws up once more and then undresses stepping into the water heading straight towards the rock which holds the bar of soap.  Never once do our eyes meet during this process.  He scrubs his body wildly similar to the way I scrubbed mine after I returned from my examination with Elder John two months ago.  Frozen in place, I know that I must wait for him to approach me.  I don’t know what it’s like to force yourself to have intercourse with someone that you don’t want to have s*x with.  I only know how I feel knowing he is with another woman.  I can’t imagine what this game may be doing to Aaron’s psyche.  Watching him go through the procedure of what I assume is him trying to wash himself of the guilt, the memories, his responsibilities, or what he’s feeling… is heartbreaking.  He always looks so lifeless during this process, like he is some type of mechanical machine going through the motions, maybe during this time his soul leaves his body and only returns when Aaron feels like he is clean and safe again.  Many times he dips under the water, and each time I hold my breath until he resurfaces hoping he doesn’t make the decision to stay under, because even that thought has gone through my mind once or twice before.  Wading over to the rock he slams the soap down and squeezes his hands tightly into a fist and just once slams his hand hard against the surface of the rock.  Lying his palms flat on the rock he lowers his head down.  His strong but quivering back is glowing from the moonlight shimmering off of the pond. Even with him in so much pain he is still the most glorious thing I have ever seen.