The Mating Game

Cleansed

Undressing with tears still pouring from my eyes I wade into the black water hoping it will swallow me whole.  Putting my head under the water, I contemplate for just a moment what it would be like to stay under here and to allow the air to leave my body.  Everything would end then.  I wouldn’t hurt anymore.  The water would fill my lungs and this all would stop.  However, as soon as I gasp for air, I lurch out of the water.  Pushing my hair back from my face. Soon I begin scrubbing my skin fiercely while tears of anger drop from my eyes.  I cannot seem to get clean enough, and I lose count of how many times I have washed my body. I have scrubbed so hard that my skin is raw turning a bright red in places.  Unwilling to leave the sanctity of the water to return to the ruins called my life, I instead float in the water staring at the full moon in the sky.  Images of the day run through my brain as I’m reliving each f*cked up moment from the day. “Addison, how long have you been out here?”  Inhaling and holding my breath I do not move a muscle. I do not want this person in my sanctuary. He will soil the fragile peace I have been able to find here for this fleeting moment. “Addison, are you okay” he sounds concerned, but I don’t care.  His voice is no longer a pleasant sound, it makes me ill. All it does is bring back the memories of him f*cking Katie.  Maybe if I ignore him, he’ll go away, and I can be left alone with my thoughts once more.  “Addison what the hell is going on,”  he growls.  “Are you alright? What happened at the exam? Did they hurt you?” Splashing begins sounding behind me as waves wash over my bare body.  Realizing that he is approaching me, I whip around screaming “Stay the hell away from me you f*cking bastard. Don’t you dare come near me.”  Hugging my body tightly with my arms I glare into Aaron’s eyes, which are filled with shock and pain.  It is then I realize he is still dressed in his clothes and that he jumped into the pond still clothed because he was concerned about me, but I don’t give a s**t.  “Addison, What happened today?” Aaron says softly not making any moves towards me.  “Nothing. Everything is fine. Now go away.” Wading further into the pond putting more distance between Aaron and me, deep anger begins burning more brightly inside me waiting and hoping to escape.  “Addison talk to me. Please.” He is actually begging me to talk to him.  For the last three weeks, he couldn’t be bothered with me but now all of a sudden we are going to play the “I really care about you game.”  Crazed laughter escapes from my lips. “Are you serious right now?”  Moving towards Aaron’s frozen body, I continue laughing.  “Are you completely serious right now? Are you really going to stand here and act like you are so f*cking worried about me when you haven’t given a s**t about me for weeks?  You are a joke.” I am now standing just an arm’s length away from Aaron’s body.  “Addison you know I care about you.” Again high pitched laughter leaves my body.  “You are insane.  Why don’t you go back and f*ck Katie again, I’m sure she doesn’t mind laying there like a dead animal. That’s more your style anyways right?” “Addison it’s not what you think.” “I’m pretty sure it’s exactly what I think.  I’m not sure how I could misinterpret anything I saw.”  “You know I have to have s*x with her. It’s my job.” “F*ck your job,” and with that, I slap him hard across the face.  “Screw you, Screw this island, Screw Katie, and Screw this Game” I try to slap him again, but this time he catches my hand anticipating the smack.  Surprised by the halting of my slap I bring my other hand up to smack him but he grabs that one too and turns me around while pulling me into a hug trying to stop my frantic struggling and rage.  Frustrated that I am again being controlled. I begin screaming and crying hysterically. After minutes of trying to break free from Aaron’s grasp, I finally give up out of pure exhaustion and lie limp in his arms with my back against his wet chest and his arms wrapped around mine. The only sounds filling the night air are the hysterical sobs leaving my mouth. “Addison, do you really think this is what I want.” He says whispering into my ear.  Sniffling and still crying I listen to his soothing voice. “Do you think I want to have s*x with Katie?  Do you think I want to have s*x with new women every year?  Do you think I wanted to watch Laura leave with my son or daughter in her belly?  Because if you do, you don’t know me at all.”  He pauses placing his forehead against the back of my head.  “Why did you have to come into my life?  I had it all figured out.  I knew how to play this game without getting hurt but you came, and everything got so messed up. I can’t do this anymore.  I feel like my soul is being slowly sucked from my body.  I don’t care if you will be taken away from me because right now all I want to do is be here right now with you.” He kisses the back of my head.  The sobs are slowing down and more time is spaced between them.  “I don’t want any other woman the way I want you.  I don’t want to hold Katie. I don’t want to kiss her.  I don’t want to touch her the way I touch you.   I don’t want to be with anyone else for the rest of my life except for you.  But when Laura told me she was pregnant, it scared me, because I realized that you aren’t going to be mine for the rest of my life. I can live in this fantasy world with you as much as I want but the truth of the matter is that you will never be mine no matter how much I want it to be true.  So, Yeah I got scared but trying to distance myself from you felt like death itself.” Slowly I turn in his arms to face him. “If I’m only going to have you for a few months instead of my entire life, I’m going to love you enough in those months to last a lifetime if you’ll let me.”  I’m speechless. “Addison, I would rather be happy with you for the next eight months than live the rest of my life not feeling anything for anyone.  I love you.  I’m sorry.”  This time a single happy tear falls from my eye.  Using his thumb, he wipes the tear away.  “But I can’t abandon Katie.  I’m not going to allow her to be punished for the way I feel about you. I love you and only you, but you know…” I place my fingers over his lips. “I love you too.”  He comes to kiss me, but I stop him.  “Come with me” pulling him over to the rock where I placed the bar of soap I begin taking his clothes off.  “Let me try to wash away some of the sins from tonight and the last few weeks.”  I gently bathe Aaron in the black water trying to wash away any memories from the last few weeks.  “I’m sorry I hit you.” I mumble into his shoulder, while gently scrubbing his back.  “Addison, I love you so much. I don’t think you will ever understand how much I love you and how sick it made me being with Katie tonight.  None of what happened with her made me feel good.  It felt dirty and wrong the entire time because I wanted it to be you and that’s how it will be each time I’m with her. It’s a sickening feeling, not the feeling that I get when I’m with you.  Just touching your skin sends shocks through me that I don’t understand. I love you and only you. I’m so sorry.” As he finishes his statement, my arms wrap around his neck bringing his lips to mine, as my legs instinctively wrap around his body and pull his hips towards mine and we get lost in each other again and again, hoping and praying the black water will wash away all of our pain.