Dear Diary, I'm Completely Lost

Beautiful On And Off Stage

Dear Diary,

I’m slowly grasping the thought of what I want to be. At least that’s what I think is happening. I mean, I always knew that I wanted to write, but what if that’s not the only thing that I can do with my life? What if I try different things? Would that be so bad?

By the way, that new guy is getting on my nerves. I can’t believe he had the audacity to approach me at Miss Fallen Leaves. I mean, come on, I literally proclaimed my love for Hunter on stage and he … Ugh, never mind. I’m not dedicating another word to that dude.

I literally can’t wait to get off the stage, but I have to take photos and all that. When I finally get backstage, I pass Cassie’s vanity table just to see her furiously packing up her things. I’m sooo tempted to make a snarky remark, but I don’t. I can’t stoop so low. It’s not me.

When I get to my own assigned area, which takes a while, because other girls congratulate me on the way, my family is already there. Well, my parents and Leslie. So, yeah. My family. They’re all grinning like they’re hiding something, which makes me suspicious.

“You got a little something,” my mom lets me know, making me furrow my eyebrows in confusion. Finally, they move apart to reveal a bouquet of roses in red, white and blush pink, making me gasp in surprise.

“Wow! Thanks, you didn’t have to go all out like that!” I exclaim, the undertone inside my voice saying a completely different think that my words are. Okay, maybe I love getting flowers after all.

My mom and dad share a look, while my best friend is kind enough to inform me: “Oh, they’re not from us.” She has this smug look written all over her face, making me frown. What is that supposed to mean?

As no one says another word, I sigh and walk towards the bouquet, checking if there’s a card or anything. There is. I pull it out, my heart racing inside my chest. I already have a feeling who it’s from, but I have to make sure.

To my beautiful girlfriend,

You’re my winner.

With love,

Hunter

PS I told you so!

I can’t help but chuckle as I read that through. This is his writing. So, how could he write this if … I look up and twirl around, already looking for his face, but he’s not there. “Where is he?” I want to know.

Leslie shakes her head slightly. “He’s not here, Perrie. He’s written that in advance,” she explains, making my face fall. Oh. For a moment … Never mind. Of course he couldn’t be here. He has college to attend. He can’t just fly to Oregon whenever I want him to.

“Of course,” I say, tapping the card against the palm of my hand nervously. I bite my lower lip, then smile again. “It’s a really nice gesture, though,” I say, then turn around as I try to prevent myself from tearing up.

Jeez, what’s up with you, girl? You just won a crown, you should be celebrating! I take a deep breath, hoping that they didn’t notice how distressed I am. It’s fine, really. I mean, he arranged for roses to be sent to me, even before he knew I’d win.

I seriously need to talk about his mad future predicting skills. They’re getting ridiculously good. “Help me get out of the dress, will you?” I say, not even sure who I’m addressing. My mom is the one to answer.

“Of course, sweetheart. But don’t you want to take pictures with us? You know, with the crown and all,” she remarks hopefully. I force myself to keep my sigh to myself. I turn around with a smile on my face, nodding.

“Sure thing,” I say in response, suddenly feeling the urge to get out of this dress, kick those shoes off my feet and put the crown away before I break down. Seriously, Perrie, what’s up with you?

Twenty minutes later, I’m already wearing jeans and sneakers again, feeling much more like myself. We’re just leaving the backstage area to put away all the stuff that we brought with us, the crown included. There’s no way in hell I’m parading around the festival with it, like Cassie did last year.

But just as we step outside, I notice someone lurking around the tent. Strange. I thought the audience has left already. I don’t know why I even turn my head, but once I realize I know this person, I almost stop in my tracks. Almost. Then, they start heading towards us.

Um, what the hell? I stiffen up, which happens to prevent me from quickening my step. Leslie turns her head as well, poking me like I didn’t see him before she did. “Look, isn’t that Jackson?”

I grunt something under my breath, earning myself a funny look from her. My parents turn towards the guy, secretly making me hope that they scare him away. But he keeps walking in our direction, making them slow down. For f**k’s sake!

“Jackson who?” my mom wonders, turning towards us, clearly wanting to find out why she doesn’t know this boy, even if the two of us do.

“Jackson Barnes. We have to make a term paper for biology after the holidays. New kid,” I shortly explain when I finally regain my gift of speech. My mom raises her eyebrows, I’m not sure if it’s in disapproval or wonder.

“Uh-huh,” she responds unconvincingly. I send her a look, turning my head just in time because Jackson already stops in front of us with his hands inside his pockets.

“Hi,” he greets the two of us, then glances towards my parents. “Hi, I’m Jackson Barnes,” he greets them, politely offering his hand. My mom takes it with a neutral expression covering her face. But what she says next almost makes me want to nudge her.

“So I’ve heard,” she says, offering him a small smile. “I’m Perrie’s mom,” she then adds, making me realize she’s judging. Oh, and she’s judging quickly. She usually takes at least five minutes to talk to someone new before handing out her final judgement.

But Jackson simply introduced himself and she’s already giving me the look. You know, the one I get when she doesn’t like someone I hang out with. I don’t even hang out with him! It’s funny she didn’t give me the look, when I was hanging out with Cassie, though. My mom can be mistaken too.

Jackson doesn’t notice the exchange between us, because he already shakes hands with my dad, before quickly shoving it back into his pocket. Then, he turns towards us. We’re both watching him with expectation, because we have no idea what he’s doing here.

“Are you here alone?” I ask, just trying to be polite. Leslie looks at me, only then making me realize how this came out. Like I’m trying to find out if he’s dating someone. Ugh! Couldn’t I just ask if he’s here with his family?

He smiles. “No, uh … I’m with my mom and little sister, but they went to get cotton candy. I … We watched the show and I told them I knew the winner and that I’d come after them. Just wanted to congratulate you … You were beautiful up there. Not that you’re not now that you’re back in normal clothes, just … Just thought you should know,” he explains, his words making my face fall. I hope it’s not too obvious.

I quickly correct that by plastering a fake smile on, just like I’ve been doing for the past couple of hours. “Thanks,” I tell him, not sure how else to respond to … that. Whatever that was supposed to be.

My best friend scratches her neck awkwardly, while my parents stare at the exchange in disbelief. “Okay, uh … I’ll be going now. See you after the holidays,” he tells us, then turns around and leaves, his hands still shoved into his pockets.

“See you,” me and my best friend both reply at the same time, before sharing a look. What the hell was this? We all stare after him, no one moving. As I feel everyone’s questioning gaze on me, I’m practically fuming.

“No one say a word,” I breathe out in frustration, shaking my head at what just happened. My best friend holds back an amused smile, while my mom doesn’t seem exactly pleased. My dad seems to be amused at the exchange, too.

“I don’t like this boy,” my mom says when we finally start moving towards the car. Yeah, me neither. I don’t get to say it out loud, because my dad beats me to it.

“Come on, Rose, you’ve seen him once. For two minutes,” he tells her, sending her the look he always does when he thinks she’s overreacting. My mom exaggerates by blinking a few more times than necessary as she looks at him.

“Yeah, and I’ve decided that I don’t like him,” she remarks in response, making me and Leslie exchange a look. We quickly break it off, because I can feel a wave of laughter coming over both of us. I really don’t want to give my mom a reason to question me about this new kid furthermore.

But Jackson’s words linger in my head for the whole evening. Why would he feel the need to say that in front of my parents? And after clearly hearing that I already have a special someone in my life, after I proclaimed it in front of the whole damn tent. i***t. I guess it’s too late to change partners for the term paper now. Ugh.

My parents don’t ask me about Jackson, and I’m grateful they don’t. Not even as we’re making the long drive to grandma’s. She’s so excited to see us, but at the same time, I can tell she’s sad that only I was able to come over to see her. Yeah, Aiden and Hunter’s presence is almost painful.

At least Leslie is with us, which gives me someone to hang out with. She tries to find out what I think about Jackson, but I let her know I’m not interested. I don’t even want to talk about him, because he got on my nerves so much. What does he want? Is he trying to hit on me or what? I thought he had a thing for Cassie!