Dear Diary, I'm Completely Lost

Sinking Deeper

Dear Diary,

I really did it. I can’t believe myself. I mean, the Fall Festival itself is kind of a big deal for me, because I regret getting back with Eric there last year so much … But this year, I had to spend it without Hunter there.

I feel bad, because it could be such a good day. Well, at least my best friend was there to cheer me on, and my parents. It was still okay, I guess. But we were all missing two significant presences. My brother and my boyfriend.

When my brother finds out that I applied to the Miss Fallen Leaves contest, he laughs his ass off. He literally ends me a dozen rolling on the floor laughing emojis. I almost get offended. But then, he tells me he’s here for it and that I just made his day. He also asks me to send him a picture of her face, when I get crowned.

I can’t help but smile at his encouragement, then inform him I’ll leave that for his girlfriend to handle. I can see the way he smiles all the way to California. I hope he comes back sooner than in November. I kinda miss him.

Before I’m able to tell my mom what I did, we get a visitor. It’s strange because no one comes to our house during the week. But as I see my best friend, when I get downstairs, I stop I the middle of the staircase. “Hey, why didn’t you tell me you were coming over today?” I ask her, making my mom glance between us.

“Leslie was just telling me that you two made a deal to go to the mall today. She came here to ask me to come with you, because her mom can’t drive you girls,” she speaks up, crossing her arms against her chest, while narrowing her eyes at me in a suspicious way. Uh-oh. Work quickly, Perrie!

I look at Leslie, completely taken aback. “Oh. That was today? I’m so sorry, I somehow thought it was Monday today,” I pretend to apologize, making her smile at me devilishly. But as my mom turns back towards her, my best friend’s smile turns into the most angelic one. That little troublemaker.

“It’s okay, just … Will you drive us, Mrs. H? Please? I know it’s last minute, but we have no other choice here,” she pleads my mom. She smiles at her in a knowing way, then shakes her head.

“Leslie, how many times have I told you to call me Rose? Of course, I’ll drive you girls. Just let me get ready,” she assures her. Then, she turns towards me. “You as well, sweetheart, you can’t go to the mall in your tracksuit.”

Ten minutes later, we’re already driving. I’m sitting in the front, so I can’t exactly ask Leslie what she’s playing at. I have no idea why she wants to drag me to the mall. My mom clearly doesn’t have a clue either, so she looks at Leslie in the rear mirror and asks her.

“So, what are you girls going to be shopping for?” she wonders, then glances at me. She’s probably suspecting that I was lying earlier, but can’t tell for sure. I don’t say anything, I let my best friend handle this. At least that’s what I think I’m going to do.

But when we’re met with a thick silence, I start opening my mouth, just to have Leslie blurt out something I didn’t expect her to. “Okay, Perrie, I’m so sorry, if you didn’t tell your mom yet, but you really need a dress,” she speaks up.

I freeze and slowly turn my head to look at her from the front seat. My mom is hella confused. “Er … What kind of dress? I thought the Winter Ball wasn’t until December?” she wonders, glancing at me just for a moment, before taking her eyes back on the road.

I’m already starting to shake my head at my best friend, but she speaks up before I’m able to prevent her from it. “Perrie got into the Miss Fallen Leaves contest,” she reveals, making my mom swerve down the road and hit the brakes hard. We all get thrown forward at the unexpected movement, then sit in car in silence.

The car stopped at a bus stop, but still. That was f*****g dangerous. My mom slowly turns her head towards me, looking at me like she can barely recognize her own daughter anymore. I expect scolding. An argument. Maybe even getting grounded. But what comes out of her is: “Why didn’t you tell me?”

And she says that in this soft, incredibly proud, but still a little hurt voice. I blink in surprise, not knowing how to respond to that. So, I start stuttering unconnectedly, hoping that my mom stops questioning me soon. There’s no way I’m telling her about my true motive behind this.

“I-I just didn’t … I thought you’d hate the idea … That I’d get g-grounded?” I finally manage to get out of my mouth, making her slump her shoulders in defeat. She shakes her head in response.

“No, pumpkin, you just made me really proud. I’m glad you’ve decided to step out of the box, you’re finally living your life, instead of just existing,” she tells me, suddenly getting really emotional. I can hear it in her voice, but she doesn’t let a single tear drop.

It makes a lump form inside my throat, though. “Mom …” I trail off, really embarrassed about this. My best friend is smiling at the exchange at the back of the car, I can see it from the side of my eyes.

My mom pulls herself together and puts a smile on her face. “Okay, honey. We’ll find you the best dress we can. If you’re in, you’re all in, am I right? We Hughes girls don’t do things halfway,” she remarks proudly.

I smile shyly, nodding. God, this almost makes me feel bad. If my mom knew that this is some stupid revenge thing … Ugh, yeah, I actually feel like it’s stupid now. Even if my best friend, my brother and my boyfriend are all rooting for me to give Cassie what she deserves.

Okay, maybe deep, deep down, I don’t find this competition so stupid. Maybe I actually want one night to feel pretty and have eyes on me. Oh, I don’t know, I never thought I was cut out for this stuff. I’m not your typical pretty girl.

I’m a little shorter than an average girl these days. Twenty years back I’d probably be amongst the tallest. But not nowadays. I’m a midget compared to other girls in my class. Even some freshman girls have already outgrown me. It’s embarrassing.

So, no, I don’t really have long, slender legs or a naturally rich hair color. My eyes are dirty brown, a mixture between my mom’s dark brown eyes and my dad’s gorgeous grey eyes. I didn’t really hit the genetics lottery in that department.

What am I saying? I am beautiful the way I am. Inside out. It’s the inside that matters most. Except I didn’t enter a pageant that focuses on inner beauty. Damn it, I really need to stop overthinking.

Well, long story short, after about three hours in the mall, we finally find a dress for me. Mom wins with her vision for me and buys me this shiny, terracotta dress. It’s really pretty and fits the pageant theme, but I don’t know. It’s really narrow and hugs me at all the right places. It just makes me feel … exposed.

However, my mom and my best friend are so enthusiastic about it, that I don’t really have much say in it. I can’t wait for this weekend to be over. Fall Break starts on Monday and we’re heading to grandma’s. Mom already invited Leslie with us and luckily for me, she accepted the invitation. Thank God, I have no idea what I’d do with myself there, if I were alone.

That week still lasts forever. And during that time, we get to watch how Cassie tries to recruit the new guy for her posse. Or make him into her next victim, who knows? “Poor guy,” Leslie remarks during lunch that Friday, because we’re just watching as she takes his beanie and pulls it on her head. Wow, desperate much?

I almost spit my juice out at sight of that. “I’d feel sorry for him, if he didn’t keep my favorite school supplies,” I remark, making my best friend chuckle. She knows I’m joking, they were all extras. But it’s strange he didn’t return them, really. Did he think I’d approach him and interrogate him? Nah, I really couldn’t care less. Like I said, he can keep those things. And it looks like he will.

Leslie and I have to separate for the next class. We’re not together in Biology, but we have the next class together. Thank God, I can barely function when I don’t have her comforting presence around me.

I’m kind of having a little crisis, because I know that Hunter will miss my Miss Fallen Leaves debut. Especially because he’s the one who encouraged me into it last year, when we were watching the show. I miss him so much that it physically hurts.

“Psst,” I suddenly hear someone behind me. Mr. Sanchez is just talking about term papers that we’ll have to work on in pairs. Great. Just in the one class I’m attending without my best friend. I ignore the voice, until someone taps on my shoulder.

I turn around, slightly annoyed, coming face to face with Jackson. Of course. Who else would annoy the hell out of me like this? “Want to pair up?” he wonders, making me think about it. I already mean to ask him if he won’t be pairing up with his girlfriend, but then I remember Cassie isn’t even in this class.

And since I’m trying to get on her nerves, I find myself nodding before I’m able to stop myself. “Yeah, sure,” I tell him, turning back around. Then, I start overthinking. I just agreed to write a term paper with a boy. That means one on one time. I have a boyfriend. Okay, Perrie, relax, it’s not like he’ll try to flirt with you. He’s doing that with Cassie. Besides, you want to keep her on her toes. This is the best way to do it.

Much to my regret, we don’t start working on the papers during class. Mr. Sanchez provides us with the basic instructions, then tells us that the paper is due after the holidays. Ugh, great. This means I’ll actually have to meet up with this guy.

I try to escape him once the bell rings, but he rushes after me and catches up sooner than a normal person would. Sometimes I secretly despise tall people. They can run from whoever they want and also catch whoever they want with complete ease.

“Hey, when do you have the time to work on the paper?” he wonders, making me look up at him. Damn, he is tall. I blink a few times, thinking about what to tell him.

“I’m spending the holidays at my grandma’s, so we’ll have to do it the week after,” I inform him casually. He nods in understanding.

“Um, okay. I have soccer practice on Monday and Tuesday, but I’m free on Wednesday,” he lets me know. Now I’m the one nodding.

“Okay, deal. Wednesday after the holidays. We can meet in the school library, if you want,” I suggest, but he frowns immediately.

“Isn’t the library only open until one on Wednesdays?” he wonders. Right. Crap. Of course he remembered this, he just came here. I forgot because I’ve been attending this school for the past four years and I rarely go to the library on Wednesdays.

“Fine. My house then,” I decide, not liking this at all. But if I have to decide between his home and mine, I’m surely going to pick my territory. There’s no way I’m entering a guy’s house alone. Especially since I barely know him. I have some self-preservation instincts, even if it doesn’t seem that way.

“Okay, can I get your number or …?” he trails off, right when I stop in the middle of the hallway and pull out a piece of paper and a pen. I write down my home address and fold it, handing it over to him.

“Here you go,” I tell him. There’s no way he’s getting my number. With that, I disappear before he unfolds it and realizes that I only gave him my home address. Which might probably be worse than giving him my phone number. Okay, no, I can’t decide which one is worse.