Illegally Yours |+18|

15. Belatedly I understand what my heart already knew.

Bess.

I stand in front of Christina's bed looking at all the amount of clothes, shoes, hats and gloves that she bought.

Is she going to wear all that on her birthday?

How would it work for her?

Every five seconds she would change her outfit?

“I don't understand why you bought so many clothes,” I tell her, looking at her as she watches who knows what out the window. "Seriously, why so much?... Christina!" I call her when she still doesn't pay attention to me.

"What?" She looks at me, obviously totally oblivious to my questions.

“What are you looking at so much?” I walk over to her side and look at this thing that she seems to be haunted by.

Ooh, a boy.

I should have imagined it.

He is tall and carries a large backpack. Apparently he is leaving the house.

"He's the gardener," she comments through a giggle. "He's handsome, right?"

"Yes" I nod, although the truth is that from the distance of the third floor, which is where we are, I can't see him well. I only perceive his brown hair and, apparently, a very well worked body. "He seems handsome, but not more so than Aaron."

"But no more than Aaron," she teases me. "Of course you don't think anyone is more handsome than Aaron."

"And this is wrong?" I ask her, scared.

"No, I don't think so," she shrugs. "I think that happens when you're in love."

"I'm in love?" I ask more for myself than for her. "Hey, how do you know I'm in love?"

"You want to f**k him and that desire, coming from you, should only mean that."

"I don't know, Christina," I sigh heavily. "He still doesn't believe me when I tell him I love him."

"That's because Aaron is an i***t who is afraid he's taking advantage of you."

Suddenly, her green eyes light up in a way that scares me.

I take a step back.

"It's late" I look for my bag with my eyes. "I better go..."

"I know what you have to do!" Her hand grabs mine and drags me onto the bed, then she starts to rummage through the world of things she bought. "This!"

Some kind of tiny cloth falls on my face.

"What is this?" I take in my hands a small black panty that if you ask me how it would look if I put it on, I would answer that it would not cover even half of my buttock. "What's it for?"

“Duh! You have to put it on!” She takes it out of my hands and spreads it out in front of me, moving it from side to side. "What Aaron needs is to stop seeing you as a girl."

"And this is supposed to make him...?" I leave the sentence unfinished, waiting for her to finish it because I still don't understand anything.

"Bess, pretty" she tells me teasingly. "Aaron is going to forget your age when he sees you in this."

"I just want him to love me, Christina," I whisper. "The other, it really doesn't matter."

“Just put it on.” She grabs my bag and puts the tiny panties in there. "Make sure he sees you wearing it."

I listen to her because I really don't have the mood to contradict her.

It's after six in the evening and Aaron must be leaving the company. The lump in my throat that has been there all day grows bigger at the thought of him with someone else.

And I know that we had agreed that we would do this, but I never imagined that he would be so desperate to see more women. That he would be desperate to run away from me, because that's exactly how I feel.

I feel like he doesn't want to feel anything for me, and I don't think anything has ever hurt me this much before.

“Bess” I look at Christina as she climbs onto the bed, she comes up behind me and starts fiddling with my hair. “Are you still sad about Aaron?”

I nod as I feel her fingers play with my hair.

I like when she does that. She feels like a token of affection. As a way of telling me that she loves me. I've always smiled when she does it, but right now I don't want to smile.

"What if he sleeps with someone else?" I ask her. “And I've never been in a relationship, Christina, I don't even think I can understand them. But I feel like he's betraying me, and I don't understand why I feel that way… I don't want to feel that way.”

"That's how jealousy works and if you feel jealous it's because you love him."

"I hate jealousy, then."

“Jealousy sucks” she agrees with me. “And so you must try to control them, Bess. It just hurts you to think about what Aaron is going to do tonight."

"Do not you understand. Aaron is the first person I like, the first person I have, the first person I feel at home with…”

"Is he the center of your universe?"

I swallow hard, feeling her words deep inside.

"Yes, he feels that way." I fiddle with my hands, searching for the words to describe my feelings. “I have been all my life alone and I never wanted to need anyone. I thought I'd always be fine on my own. But then he comes along and shows me what it's like to have someone who cares about me, someone who cares if I've slept, eaten, or wrapped up well. He has given me all the love I have never had and never thought I needed. And he taught me to love him, Christina. Because I didn't know what it was to love someone until he came along. And I just... I don't want to be without him again."

"That was deep," she tells me sweetly. “And of course I understand how you feel about Aaron, Bess. It's normal. He saved you from the street and from all the danger you ran outside. He gave you a home, he is the only home you have ever known. And what person does not want to be at home?

Home, that's the right word.

Aaron feels like my house, my home. The only one I've ever known and the only one I want to have.

"And that's why I know I don't want to give up," I tell her. “I… I know he loves me too. I feel it in his way of looking at me, of taking care of me, of treating me. I don't want to let him go, Christina… but I feel like that's what he wants, to let him go.”

I fall silent as her arms wrap around me, holding me tight.

I smile despite everything, because it's always great to have a friend who listens to your feelings.

"Know something?" I tell her, needing to change the subject.

"What?"

"I once told you that I could love you, do you remember?"

"Of course I remember, it was when we met."

I laugh, remembering how scared she gave me when I first saw her. She seemed so excited by my presence and I never had someone happy to see me so I was just filled with fear of the unknown. Now that I know what it's like to have a friend, I don't understand how I could live without one my whole life.

"I think I already love you" I agree, smiling even more.

Her laugh makes me laugh, making my pain more bearable.

After a few minutes of deep silence, she moves and sits next to me. The smile with which she looks at me from her tells me that she is up to something.

“What if we go out tonight?”

"Where?"

"To some pub."

“Come on, Christina, they won't let us in” I remind her. "We are minors."

"Hey, trust me" again, her eyes sparkle like two Christmas trees on Christmas Eve.

I stare at her before nodding vigorously.

I've never been to a pub before and I'm curious as to what they're like, why people seem so excited about going there.

Before I can take it in, Christina throws herself at me with a big hug.

“Now” she looks at me as excited as I have ever seen her before. "Let's start getting ready for tonight!"

Yeah, it's great to have a friend.

[...]

Christina had to hand a roll of bills to the security guard to get us in. I have to accept that I felt bad because of the bribe, but the desire to see the place overcame my morale.

I hold on to Christina's arm as we walk into the pub. The place is packed with people dancing to the blasting music. The smell of alcohol makes me crinkle my nose a little. I wonder if you can get drunk just by smelling the booze and if that's the case, then I'll walk out of here completely drunk.

I smile when a guy makes a funny move in front of us, Christina yells something along the lines of "Woho!" and the boy lets out a laugh before concentrating again on his dynamic dance.

I look around as we make our way to what I assume is the bar, or little liquor store as I would call it. People seem to be in their own little bubble. Couples dance absorbed in their own rhythm, completely forgetting the outside world. I look away when I find two girls kissing, not wanting to invade their privacy.

And I get it, people come here as an escape from their lives.

It's distraction.

It's fun.

"And?" Christina asks as we sit on the remaining high chairs in the small liquor store. "You like the place?"

I nod excitedly, looking around me.

In my mind, I wonder how I would spend it with Aaron in this place. I bet he would have a lot of fun while he teaches me how to dance, because I suppose he knows how to dance.

"What do you want to drink?" Christina asks me, bringing me back to reality.

"I don't know..." I look at her doubtfully. "What are you going to drink?"

“A Martini” she responds immediately. "But I'm assuming you've never had alcohol, right?"

"Well..." I say to her quietly. "No, I have not drunk alcohol."

"I'll ask you for a cocktail with little alcohol" she tells me, looking at me with affection. “You take it slow, Bess. We don't want you to end up drunk, do we?"

"No" I deny immediately.

“Yeah, Aaron would kill us,” she says quietly, I guess just to herself, but I hear her.

I cringe at the thought of Aaron being angry. He can be very overprotective and if he found out where I am right now, he would have a heart attack.

She orders our drinks and as soon as they are brought to us, she drinks with enthusiasm. I, on the other hand, take my cocktail calmly because I don't want to end up drunk, doing nonsense.

"Tate," she says suddenly as she goes into the middle of her second Martini. "The gardener's name is Tate."

“Tate” I repeat the name as I nod. "What's the matter with him?"

“I like him” she says and I'm surprised that she doesn't say it happily. There is a sparkle in her eyes that tells me something is bothering her.

"Is there something wrong with he, Christina?"

"I don't think he likes me," she tells me, stirring her drink with the straw. "Whenever I try to get close to him, he avoids me."

I raise my eyebrows in surprise because that makes no sense to me. Christina is beautiful, any man would be more than happy to catch her eye.

"And you asked him why he doesn't like you?"

"I've tried, sure, but the few times we've struck up a conversation, he ends up being rude." She rolls her eyes. "So I've never really had a chance to ask him that question."

"Well, Christina, he's your gardener," I remind her. “Perhaps it feels inappropriate to strike up a friendship with you. Maybe he's afraid of losing his job.” I shrugged. "So many things that can go through his head."

"My parents aren't elitist, Bess," she reminds me. "And my brother and I may be used to luxury, but the difference in class has never been an important thing for us."

"Maybe for Tate that is important."

“Anyway, let's not talk about him anymore” she shakes her head with a slightly sad smile on her lips. “How about if I teach you how to dance?”

I look at her excitedly.

"Would you do it?"

"Of course!" She's on her feet in a heartbeat and takes me by the hand, leading me out onto the dance floor. "That's what we came for!"

I laugh all the time as she shows me funny steps that I clumsily do. Christina does great, the movement of her hips looks natural and from the looks she gets from many men, her movements are also wonderful in the sight of male eyes.

At a certain point, two guys come up and try to dance with us. Christina smiles at the blond boy and follows the dance, leaving me with the dark-haired boy. I clumsily follow the steps Christina taught me, but as soon as the dark-haired boy takes my hips in his hands, on the fabric of my tight black dress, I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

You have to meet boys your age, Bess, I remind myself.

But none of this feels right.

I pull away from the boy uncomfortably as his body presses closer to mine and I just want Aaron to be here, in his place.

I want all my first times with him. Coming to this pub without Aaron by my side doesn't feel right. Regardless of what he is doing right now, my heart can't help but yearn for him in each of my new experiences.

"I have to go pee" I tell the boy before walking away, even though I don't know where the bathroom is.

The neon lights in the background show me where the bathroom is, so I head towards it, feeling a terrible urge to have Aaron in this place.

They say that when you want something badly, that wish can come true. And I guess I wished for it badly, because my wish becomes real. But not in the way I wanted, but in a way too twisted.

I look curiously at a couple leaning against the hallway walls that lead to the bathrooms. A tall curvy luscious redheaded woman is leaning against a man as she eats his mouth. My first reaction is to ignore them and look away, giving them the privacy they deserve even though this is a public place. But the black jacket the boy is wearing and his leather shoes look incredibly familiar, so I freeze in place.

I tilt my head as I watch the hunger the redhead uses as she kisses the man I assume is her partner. Something inside my stomach is spinning, threatening to come out through my mouth because the image makes me unpleasant, even painful.

And it's only until they walk away and those blue eyes meet mine that I belatedly understand what my heart already knew.

He's Aaron.