Shifting Glances

KABANATA 30

Another day, but I feel a lot better now. Unlike the first day after Regan rejected me, I was malfunctioning. Well, I gotta move forward. He’s just a male, nothing special. It’s great that he’s not communicating with me. Hindi na rin kasi ako nakatanggap ng mga usual text and calls niya sa gabi.

Nakakatulong rin saakin ang isipang may girlfriend siya at si Emerald iyon. It was my that I fell for him despite knowing that. Wala akong kailangan itanong sa sarili ko ng paulit-ulit, I don’t question my worth.

With a caramel macchiato in my hand, I nonchalantly walked towards the basement parking’s elevator. I’m wearing a beige peplum dress with a black waistbelt. I need to feel good every day, so I always dress as best as possible.

Pipindutin ko palang ang number sa elevator nang biglang may sumulpot na tao sa pintuan ng elevator na nagmula sa kanan. Hindi ko naikubli ang gulat ko nang mabungaran ko si Regan na mukhang napatigil rin.

It was my first time seeing him with sleepy eyes. Even though he looks like his usual morning fresh look, wearing a blue polo long-sleeve that his sleeves were folded to his elbow length.

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa paa niyang natigilan na paapak sa loob ng elevator. Mukhang natigilan ito nang makita ako.

I swallowed and didn’t look up to his face anymore, but I don’t know if I should press it on the floor number or not. Ano bang hinihintay niya? He’s stepping on the door elevator’s line. Then I heard him let out a harsh breath before walking inside the elevator and standing right next to me.

Nangunot ang noo ko, but it would be so childish of me to ask him not to ride the elevator with me just because of my personal issues of being turned down by him.

Pinagbuti ko nalang na pindutin ang floor number at nagsara na ang elevator door. I was sipping in the straw of my coffee pretending to not mind Regan’s presence, but the thought of him beside me is even outdoing the bitterness of my coffee. Hindi ko malaasahan ang kape ko sa awkwardness namin! He should’ve ridden the elevator after me.

He’s not talking, but I can’t feel his very strong presence, and his scent is what makes my system differs him apart from other males. The elevator started going up and the silence is killing me.

I didn’t know that riding an elevator takes so long. It feels like an hour already!

Naiinip na ako at gustong-gusto ko nang lumabas ng elevator. I’ve read that avoiding the person will make you forget the feelings faster.

“Hey, Icely.”

Gulat akong lumingon kay Regan nang bigla ako nitong tawagin. My heart skipped a beat, but it feels like a needle is stuck on it and with just every beat whenever Regan’s around, the sting’s triggering.

Our eyes met and the time suddenly stopped… for me. His eyes look so tired, what’s wrong with him? He’s staring at me as if he wants to say something that he couldn’t. His eyes say it even more.

I let all the ridiculous thoughts go away for a second and stared back at him sternly.

“Yes?”

He was staring at me… again.

“About the project, sana ay hindi maapektuhan ang proyekto nang dahil lang sa nangyari.” His voice was low.

I swallowed when I felt my throat drying up. Did I just hope that he’ll speak unrelated to work?

I smiled, but I was just merely hiding emotions behind it, and I nodded.

“I know. Ano bang tingin mo saakin? Highschooler? Teenager? I’ve been in this industry for about 6-7 years. I know how to put work apart from personal issues. Don’t worry Regan, dapat nga ay ako ang magsabi niyan. Please, don’t let the project be affected by what happened. It’s entirely apart.”

I saw him frown a bit.

“Did you really like me… you don’t seem affected…” His voice lowered down. I didn’t expect him to ask such a thing! I was caught off guard.

Tila naipakita ko sakaniya ang iilan sa mga emosyon ko habang nakatitig ng diretso sa mga mata niya.

Bigla siyang umiwas ng tingin at kita ko ang pagkuyom ng kamao niya.

“I just… know my worth, Regan. Hindi kita hahabulin.” Malamig na sabi ko saka na umiwas ng tingin.

Mabuti nalang at bumukas na ang elevator. I was close to asking him what’s wrong with him and he looks unusually worn-out. Mabuti nalang ay hindi ko naitanong.

Nauna na akong lumabas sakaniya. I walked firmly, knowing that he’s staring at me from the back.

Bakit ba niya itinanong iyon? Is he telling me to prove myself to him?

I swallowed again. No, I don’t have to, and I don’t have a reason to. Is he trying to manipulate me? Letting me think that I’ll have a chance if I’ll try to prove myself to him? Over my dead body! Pinapaasa niya ba ako? No way!

Napahinga ako ng malalim.

My heart’s beating so fast, contradicting all the thoughts in my head. I shook my head, no heart, no.

Dumiretso ako sa office pero pagbukas ko ng pintuan ay siya namang papalabas si Emerald. Naglandas ang tingin namin at nakatingin lang siya ng walang emosyon saakin, but I can see contempt behind it.

Nilagpasan niya ako at diretsong lumabas ng pintuan. Napasunod ako ng tingin sakaniya at bago magsara ang pintuan ay hindi nakaligtas sa tingin ko ang pagsalubong niya kay Regan at ang paglingkis niya sa braso nito.

Mabilis akong umiwas ng tingin. I felt the needle in my heart again. Hanggang kailan ko iindahin ang letseng pakiramdam na ito?

Hindi ko namalayan na nakasimangot akong dumiretso sa opisina ko. I was dispersing gloomy atmosphere around the office unconsciously, and if not because of Ms. Pau suddenly barging inside the moment I sat down to my chair, I wouldn’t even notice how my mood differs from her smiling bright face.

“Ilang araw ka nang wala sa mood my dear.” Kaswal niyang bungad.

Tumayo naman ako para batiin siya at sininyalan niya lang akong maupo.

“Pagod lang, Ms. Pau.”

I know that look of her. She’s raising her brow at me with a sly smile.

“Pagod sa lovelife?”

Halos napangiwi ako kung hindi ko lang natandaan na boss ko nga pala si Ms. Pau. Umiling ako.

“Wala akong lovelife, Ms. Pau. Please, tigilan niyo na ‘yan—

“Ang asawa nga ay naaagaw, boyfriend pa kaya?”

Gulat kong tiningnan si Ms. Pau sa sinabi. I know what she’s thinking. I’ve just told her about Regan and Emerald’s relationship a few days ago. She’s talking about that!

“Ms. Pau!” Singhal ko.

Natawa lang siya saka umiling.

“Just kidding! Nandito lang ako para sabihan ka, everything will be okay, dear Icely. Marami pa namang iba diyan. If they’re really in a relationship, then what you’re doing is right, you never fail to amuse me. Sabihan mo lang ako if there’s something I can do, I am still your boss, don’t forget!”

Gusto ko pang tumutol sa sinasabi niya, dahil kung sasang-ayon ako ay parang inaamin ko na rin na totoo ang naiisip niya. Pero habang nakatingin ako kay Ms. Pau ay unti-unti akong napangiti.

“Thanks, Ms. Pau.” Mahinang sabi ko.

Tumango siya.

“And dear, please send reports regarding the progress of EVA.”

Tumango ako at mukhang iyon talaga ang pakay niya dahil pagkatapos niyang sabihin iyon ay umalis na siya.

Naiwan ako sa office ko na nakaupo at nakatingin sa monitor ng desktop ko.

Si Ms. Pau na ang nadatnan ko rito simula noong nag-umpisa akong magtrabaho. I’ve also had my internships here, at alam ko kung bakit mas pinapaboran ako ni Ms. Pau palagi, maybe part of her feels accountable of me not being promoted to a senior architect.

If Emerald didn’t show up… I will be the one in her place, and Ms. Pau has been carrying that on her even though I’m not blaming her for it. Emerald is rich and she has strings to pull compared to me.

Everyone knows about that, and that’s also where the Star Architect came from. From that same year when Emerald showed up, they’ve given me a Special Award on the founding celebration of the company being the Star Architect, probably because it was their way to console me. But I felt like the stars were aligned for me back then when the project I’ve done recently for that year have awarded me and backed my award being the Star Architect, saying that they’ve chosen me as the most excellent architect of the year, giving it more relevance and accreditation at dahil doon ay nakuntento na ako sa kung anong ibinigay saakin.

I don’t feel bad about it anymore, pero ang iba ay hindi pa rin iyon nakakalimutan. That was a bit of controversy that year.

Emerald… we can never meet on the same page, ever.

Now, I feel a bit of history repeating itself… or it’s just me… if Emerald isn’t here… maybe…

Umiling ako. No, Icely, hindi ka gano’n.

Pinagbuti ko nalang na abalahin ang sarili ko sa trabaho. I admit that I’ve forgotten about the progress report, kaya pala pumunta na rito si Ms. Pau.

While doing my work, my phone rang, and I saw Miles calling.

Sinagot ko ito at sumandal sa upuan ko.

“Hello?” Bungad ko.

“So, how are you? Are you alright?”

Napahinga ako ng malalim. Kapag hindi ka okay tapos biglang may nagtanong kung okay ka ba ay mas lalong nakakapagpakawala ng kinukubli mong emosyon.

Pumikit ako para hindi maiyak.

“Ayos lang naman, anong kailangan mo?”

“Nothing, I’m just thinking about setting up another blind date for you? This time, from Porcia’s network.”

Napamulat ako.

Oh right, blind dates!

“Sure!” Masiglang sabi ko.

The world doesn’t stop here!

“Ay wow, g na g? Okay, text nalang kita sa details. You up, for tonight?”

“Yes, no problem. Thanks Miles! Love yah!”

After then, my day became a bit lively. It’s like knowing that I have another path to cross, not to be stuck in here.

It’s just blind dates, like getting to know each other! I won’t feel bad thinking that I’m using another person to forget the other. Pero siguro…

Whatever! I want to forget about it as soon as I can…

A few hours passed and just right about when I’m forgetting about Regan, he suddenly appeared right on my office door!

Hindi ako makapaniwalang nakatingin sa may pintuan at hindi tumutugon kung papasukin ba siya o hindi. Nakatingin lang ako sakaniya na nakatayo roon.

“Icley?” Tawag niya pa saakin.

Napakurap-kurap ako saka napatayo.

“Come in.” Mahinang sabi ko at umiwas ng tingin.

He’d better come here for work purposes, otherwise, I’ll chase him out of my office if he mentions things unrelated to work.

“What made you come here, Engr? Sana ay iniutos mo nalang sa sekretarya mo.” Kausap ko sakaniya.

“I’m here to settle the schedules.”

Natigilan ako at napasalubong sa tingin niya.

He’s looking at me again… staring!

Hindi ako nakapagsalita ng ilang segundo hanggang sa mapaiwas ako ng tingin at naupo.

“Okay, please take a seat.” Sabi ko pero umiling lang siya.

“No need, this won’t take long.”

Tumango ako at habang nakaupo ako at siya naman ay nakatayo sa harapan ng table ko kaya pawang nakatingala ako sakaniya.

“Okay. Is it about the meeting schedules? Limit it to three times a week, pero ikaw na ang magdecide sa oras.” I said firmly.

He nodded, but he’s still staring at me!

“MWF, it’s Wednesday today. The time of meetings should be 1 hour before work dismissal, so it should be 4pm, and if ever we take a bit longer that usual, we won’t consume too much our work time and we can also consider that overtime. It will be in your advantage, kahit hindi matapos ang oras, so what do you think?”

Napaisip ako sa sinabi niya at nang mapagtanto kong maganda naman iyong ideya niya ay tumango ako. So, I will not see him at the beginning of the day, nor in the middle of the day. Nice.

“The schedule will take effect today and expect an overtime, marami tayong pag-uusapan considering the upcoming conference. I’ll see you at 4pm.”

Tatango palang sana ako nang bigla kong maalala iyong sinabi ni Miles kanina.

Hindi ako nakatango at mukhang hinihintay ni Regan ang pagsang-ayon ko, at mukhang napansin niya at pag-aatubili ko.

“Something’s wrong?” Tanong niya.

Umiling ako, “Can’t that wait until Friday? I mean, I’ve scheduled something prior to this, so mas mauuna naman siguro iyon kaysa rito sa biglaan pag-sschedule natin ngayon?”

He frowned, “What’s more important than work?” He suddenly sounded authoritative.

I was contemplating whether to tell him or not, but I choose to be honest.

Seryoso ko siyang tiningnan, “I have a blind date after work, it’s already scheduled, hindi ako pwedeng magtagal.” Seryosong sabi ko.

Biglang natahimik sa pagitan namin. I swallowed, thinking that it’s a bit unreasonable because a date can wait but works cannot. Parang nagmukhang mas inuuna ko pa iyon kaysa sa trabaho, but that’s already past work hours, I have the right!

Kita ko ang pagkunot ng noo niya at ang pagdilim ng mukha niya. Hindi ko iyon inasahan. Is he mad? Oo nga pala’t may pagkaworkaholic rin pala ang taong ito.

“B-But I’m not saying that I’m slacking, alright? Sinasabi ko lang na hindi ako pwedeng mag-overtime, pero pwede pa rin naman tayong magmeeting before work dismissal, okaya naman ay agahan nalang natin for today—

“It will be 4pm, and whether we take overtime or not, hindi ko na kasalanan. I won’t concern myself about that prior sched of yours, but this is an order.” He suddenly sounded so bossy, and even before getting a response from me, he turned his back and left!

Gusto ko pa siyang tawagin pero natigilan ako at na-realize ko kung para saan pa?

Napahinga ako ng malalim. What’s his problem now? An order? Just because he’s the boss of the Engineering, doesn’t mean he’s my boss… but he’s the lead for the project, I can’t say no!

He could’ve said it in a nicer or professional way, bakit parang bigla siyang nagdadabog? Problema niya? Ako dapat ang nagdadabog hindi siya!