Shifting Glances

KABANATA 13

Dumiretso ako sa backyard ng bahay pagkauwi. Dito palaging nagpapalipas ng oras si Mama buong araw, habang nakatanaw sa mga bulaklak na nakatanim at nakasabit sa dingding. Her lifeless eyes break my heart every time. Hindi rin ito nagsasalita, but I know that she could speak if she wants to, or if she were to have her own will.

“Ma.” Tawag ko ng pansin sakaniya. Nakaupo siya sa wheelchair niya. Tumayo ako sa likod niya. Yumuko ako para halikan ang pisngi niya. As usual, no response.

Tumayo na ako ng tuwid at tinanaw rin ang backyard habang nakatayo sa likod niya at nakapatong ang mga kamay ko sa tulakan ng wheelchair, pagabi na at halos palubog na ang araw.

Sometimes, I just really want to hear her voice, for her to nag on me, to tell me what to do when things get messy. I want to rant to her, then get her advice like she did when I was a little boy.

Lalo na ngayon, there is something confusing happening in my life right now. Even though my mother couldn’t answer me, I still wanted to voice out what’s going on in my head.

“I met a girl, Ma.” Umpisa ko. Para akong batang mag-uumpisa ng kwento.

I kept staring on the flowers of the yard, but my minds on something else… on someone.

The memory of Icely while standing in front of everybody earlier can’t leave my mind. Yeah, she was impressive earlier. That was the first time seeing her eyes sparkling with joy. What a smart and powerful woman she is.

“I admit, Icely’s been on my mind since I met her.” Pagkukwento ko kay Mama kahit hindi naman niya kilala si Icely.

“Hindi ko alam kung atraksyon ba ito o dahil sa isa pang dahilan kaya hindi siya mawala sa isipan ko. Icely… she is a Bennet, Ma.” Tila nagsusumbong ako, humina ang boses ko sa huling sinabi ko.

Nakatitig lang ako sa mga bulaklak nang biglang gumalaw ang ulo ni Mama. Napababa ang tingin ko sakaniya at nakita kong nakatingala siya saakin, nagulat ako nang makita ko ang tila gulat niyang mga mata.

Umiling ako sakaniya, “Alam ko ang naiisip ko Ma, pero alam kong hindi pwede, at hindi ko rin gugustuhin.” Sabi ko.

Seconds later, my mother sighed and looked away again, staring in the direction of the flowers.

“I’m just a little confused. I don’t know if I’m drawn to her because she’s a Bennet, or that I’m drawn to her because of something else, either way, I do not like the thought of any of them.” Pagpapatuloy ko sa sinasabi.

“Pero siguro tama lang ang ginawa ko kanina. We can’t be friends; we can’t be acquainted as well. The hate between us should remain.” I stated, remembering how I was rude to her earlier.

Icely’s a bit impulsive, and she has a short temper. But she can be cute whenever she looks angry and rolling her eyes. It’s not annoying compared to other girls who are trying so hard to look mean, or they’re just mean on purpose. Surprisingly, I’m not irritated by the way she bursts out her anger on me.

Napailing ako sa sarili ko.

Hindi pwede. I can’t think of her in that way. I know I’ve said that I will hate her, and continue hating her, and I should live up to my words.

I can’t like the person she is, not when I’m still not sure if she’s just pretending to not know anything about her family. It’s way too soon to judge her by that angelic face of her.

She might be a cunning and decisive woman, just like her family.

Hindi ko na tinuloy pa ang pagsasalita kay Mama. Hindi na rin naman ito nagpakita pa ng reaksyon. Dahil gabi na ay pinapasok ko na rin ito sa loob at baka lamokin pa siya.

After taking a shower before going to bed, I sat on the swivel chair of my study table. I opened the laptop and scanned through my email. Saka ko naalala ang sinabi kanina ni Icely.

She has such a contemporary idea. Totoo lahat ang sinabi niya at hindi naman mahirap gawin ang gusto niyang mangyari but that will require a lot of effort on her part. She will also need to do a lot of research and consideration, kahit hindi na ang mga binanggit ko sakaniya kanina tungkol sa labor and manpower, iyong marketing nalang na siyang pinaka-highlight ng clients namin.

Pero may parte saakin na naniniwalang kakayanin niyang ipasa ‘yon.

Napahinga ako ng malalim at tinupi ang macbook. I should stop thinking about her.

I went to bed to call it a night, but my phone rang.

It was Denver who’s calling.

“Hey.” Bati ko sakaniya.

“Where are you?”

Nangunot ang noo ko nang marinig ko ang boses ni Denver.

“Lasing ka ba?” Kunot noong tanong ko at tiningnan ang oras. It’s past 10 pm already. Goodness. Akala ko ba ay busy ang taong ito?

“H-Hindi.” It’s just too obvious that he’s way too drunk.

“Anong nangyari Denver? Bakit ka nag-inom? Nasaan ka?” Tanong ko at tumayo mula sa pagkakaupo sa kama.

“I don’t know where this is, but Porcia’s here. I need you to help me persuade Porcia.”

Nangunot ang noo ko. He’s drunk because of the woman again. It’s been a while since he last spoke of that name, ngayon ay binanggit nanaman niya iyon. What’s happening with this guy, he can’t get over that woman after many years.

“Hay nako Denver. Saan ba ‘yan? Huwag kang gumawa ng eksena diyan, pupuntahan kita.” Sabi ko at kumuha ng white shirt sa cabinet bago lumabas ng kwarto.

“Porcia! Talk to me! Didn’t you miss me?! Porcia!” Ako ang nahihiya sa naririnig ko sa kabilang linya. Gabing-gabi na at naninigaw pa ng pangalan ang kaibigan kong ‘yon.

“Hey! Denver! Shut up!” Sabi ko sa telepono.

“Porcia! Ganyan ka ba kawalang-puso? Hindi mo man lang ba ako kakausapin? Hinintay kita ng ilang taon Porcia!”

Naihilamos ko ang mukha ko habang palabas ng bahay at binubuksan ang gate. Narinig ko pa ang tila pagkahulog ng cellphone ni Denver sa daan.