Who To Love (Completed)

Chapter 5: Kieran

“Kieran Wu!” I stopped when I was about to hop inside my car. Mom followed me and she was worried sick. “Son, you’ve just got discharged from the hospital. Where do you think are you going?” Her voice was so soft and caring but it screamed anxiety.

I don’t know. To be honest, I don’t really know where I am going. Hell, I just got out of the hospital after three months and now I’m going to drive my car to look for someone I can’t even remember. But why the f**k does this feel right? Why do I feel like I am doing the right thing?

I don’t even understand any of this.

“Calm down, Kieran.” Mom held my arm and closed the door of my car. “You rest for tonight, okay? Just get a breather.” She told me carefully and softly.

“But…” I hesitated to say the next words. I don’t know if I should tell her. f*****g s**t I don’t know what to do.

Mom waited for me to continue my sentence but I stopped. And I gave up. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I should just get a breather. Maybe I’m just getting swayed and shocked by everything that happened. I should just rest and think of remembering everything tomorrow.

“Let’s get inside, Mom.” I told her and she smiled as she hooked her arm around mine.

I don’t know why I feel so regretful about not finding her and taking care of her. Heck, maybe I need to rest.

I didn’t even greet the visitors and I just went straight to my room and threw myself on my bed. It feels different. The bed in the hospital could not even compare to the softness of my bed.

I sighed heavily and faced the ceiling. I don’t know why I can’t remember anything. Dr. Lee said I didn’t wake up from sleep for three months and that it is not at all that one could experience what I’ve been through. Everything is normal but I can’t wake up.

I could be a case of the male sleeping beauty, as everyone – even the nurses – claimed.

I creased my brow when I heard something ring. It was beep actually. Maybe a message? I looked over my bedside table and saw my phone. I believe it is mine because it is in my room, on my bedside table.

A message was flashed through the screen.

From: Love ♥

Congratulations on your discharge! I hope you had a great time with your homecoming welcome party. Be healthy from now on. Good night, Love. I love you.

I narrowed my eyes on the screen. I prepared to type my reply in.

To: Love ♥

Where are you?

I opened the message thread and read all our past conversations. I widened my eyes as I felt goose bumps all over my body.

To: Love ♥

I’m not going to give you the moon and the stars, Love. I’m going to give you the whole galaxy because you’re worth every asteroid and comet from the Milky Way. Remember that. And that doesn’t even compare to how much I love you. Good night, Love. Stop writing, it’s late. Please rest more, my Milky Way.

Date: October 8, 2014, 12:03AM

To: Love ♥

My boss told me I am the luckiest man on Earth because you brought me lunch. Thank you, Love. You’ll always be my lucky charm.

Date: September 26, 2014, 1:31PM

To: Love ♥

(Voice message)

I’m never gonna say goodbye cause I never wanna see you cry. I swoere to you my love would remain and I swear it all over again and I… I’m never gonna treat you bad cause I never wanna see you sad. I swore to share your joy and your pain. And I swear it all over again. All over again.

Good night, Love. Happy Third Anniversary! I love you. Forever and always.

Date: September 7, 2014, 12:00AM

I looked at my phone’s calendar. Sixth of January, 2015. There was a reminder for tomorrow. Seventh of January.

12:00AM: Greet Ashin for our fortieth month together.

5:30AM: Get the bouquet of tulips at Bonsai Flower Shop.

6:00AM: Deliver it to Ashin’s house. Wake her up. Take her out for breakfast.

8:00AM: Accompany her to visit her Father.

10:00AM: Take her to the beach. Let her cry her heart out.

12:00PM: Eat lunch with her in a cottage with her favorite crabs. Then, take her to swimming for the next hours.

6:00PM: Prepare the picnic dinner.

7:00PM: Stargazing with her.

I froze on my post. How come everything was planned like this? How deep was I even in love with her for me to plan things like this?

I checked on the next dates and every reminder was connected to her.

What the hell? Since when have I been this obsessed to a girl?

Is this why her best friend is too angry at me? Because I was this in love with her before and now she’s back to square one?

I gulped as I imagined myself acting like this. I couldn’t even imagine how attracted I am to her. But this. This is too much. When have I loved someone else like this?

I dialed Ashin’s number and placed the phone on my ear. One ring. Two rings. Three rings. No one was answering. But she just texted me not so many minutes ago!

“Hello! This is Ashin. Sorry, I’m busy right now. Leave your message after the beep.”

My body froze at the mere sound of her recording for her answering machine. My heart is beating rapidly I don’t know if I can even handle the speed of the beats. It’s as if my heart is going to explode. Why did I have to feel like this?

I took several consecutive deep breaths as I held onto my chest. Why am I reacting this weirdly? Why do I feel like I’ve just filled some space in my heart?

I brought my phone down and concentrated on breathing properly.

I haven’t even recovered when my phone rang.

Love ♥ calling…

My eyes widened at the mere second that I read the name flashed on the screen. I don’t know if this is excitement or something beyond that…but, trembling, I accepted the call.

“Hello? Kieran?”

I narrowed my eyes at the name she called me. Kieran? I know that my name is Kieran but damn it! Why is my heart starting to beat faster again?

“Hello? Hello? Kieran? Are you there?”

I still couldn’t talk because my heart is beating really loud to the point that I couldn’t even think straight. What would I tell her? What would I ask her?

Fuck this! Why did I even call her in the first place?

“Is this Kieran Wu? Hello? Are you alright?”

She continued to ask more questions but I, as well, continued to think of nothing good to reply to her.

Why the f**k can’t I concentrate?

“Did you just dial my number by mistake?” Her voice sounded so sad and disappointed. I want to tell her that it’s not the case but nothing is coming out of my mouth.

I heard her sigh from the other line. “Fine,” she let out a deep breath. “Since I think you’re not even listening, can I just take this chance to greet you happy fortieth month together in advance?”

I continued to listen.

“I know it’s impossible for us to be together tomorrow so I’m greeting you now. I don’t even know if we’re still together since you can’t remember me but anyway, I want you to know that I will always love you no matter what.” She paused and I heard sobs from the other line.

Fucking s**t! She’s crying. Just from hearing her sobs, I felt bad. Not only for her but even for myself. I am the most horrible person in the whole world. Why did I even have to call her again?

I felt weird because even though I can’t remember her, I can feel my heart breaking into millions of pieces. Is it normal to feel this way?

“I hope and pray that you’ll always be healthy and happy. I don’t want to hear from your friends that you went back to the hospital again.” She chuckled weakly but I know that by now, she’s crying. “Today, I went to my Dad’s grave alone for the first time in a long time. I missed you but I thought to myself, if you couldn’t remember me forever, it’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay.”

My mouth opened as I wanted to tell her something. But what would I tell her? I can’t even remember her.

“I’ve lost the greatest man in my life ten years ago and I have gotten over it. Probably, losing the second best won’t be as painful as losing a father. I could move on and live on without you if I had to.” She took another deep breath.

“If this is the last time you’re going to hear my voice – if you’re listening from the other line, I don’t want you hearing that I can’t live without you, but rather, I want you to know that for the past forty months in my life, you were the reason of my happiness. Thank you for loving me. I’m going to hang up now. Bye, Love.”

Then she was gone. And suddenly, unknowingly, I felt my whole life crashing down under my feet.