What I've always known

A/N: Hi everyone, and welcome to "What I've always known"! A WARNING NEEDS TO BE PUT HERE BECAUSE THERE WON'T BE ANYMORE LATER ON, so read carefully. Abuse, suicide, self-harm, mental illness, and more dark things are happening in this book. Please continue to read at your own risk; I don't think you should blame me for this later! I hope you all are safe and sound. Your feedback means the world to me, and that's why I'm asking you, please leave a comment to let me know what you think when you finish reading this chapter! Lots of love! Follow me for updates: F/B: Dreame author Linnéa Heikka I/G: author_linneaheikka           "Alisha, please don't do this!" I scream in despair, with fat tears trailing down my cheeks.             She looks at me with tears of her own falling. My dear little sister, what is she doing? Why won't she let me help her?! A small smile is on her face, her tears almost looking beautiful. She looks at the abyss by the cliff edge, the fall is long, and she's going to die if she jumps. I need to do everything I can to make her stay here with me, for f**k's sake, she's only seventeen! Slowly, I move closer to her with my pinky outstretched, trying to make her understand that she's always going to have me by her side, that she's wanted, and that I love her.           "You have always been a perfect sister to me, and I love you for it. But I can't do this anymore, Kata," she says with a sad smile.           "Please, just take my pinky! I pinky promise to protect you from everything, baby; I'm right here!" I scream in fear.          "I'm sorry, Kata. But you can't protect me from myself. I love you, and I hope that you someday will be able to forgive me," she says before turning around and throw herself down the cliff.           "ALISHA!" I scream and run to the edge, watching her fall to her death. "No, please!"             I wake up with cold sweat on my body. My heart rate is through the roof, and my cheeks are wet from tears. I put my head in my hands, trying to suppress the agony I've felt since she disappeared. My baby sister is gone; I'm aware of that. Yet, I can't let her go. Alisha was my entire world; it was always supposed to be her and me. Hell, it only was her and me. A year has passed since that godforsaken day, and it still feels like it was yesterday she decided to leave me. Baby girl, why didn't you let me help you? So many times, I laid on her floor, crying and pleading with her to tell me what's wrong. Whatever it was, I was too late to save her from it.             I sit up on the edge of the bed and get up. The floor is cold against my sticky body, and I gratefully accept it. It can hardly make much difference with cold feet if you compare with my icy soul, if I now even have one left. Alisha took mine with her when she killed herself; nothing matters unless I have her here with me. My darling, if only I could go back in time and take the pain from her. Why wasn't I the one who got all the problems so she could live her life in peace? She wanted family and love; I wanted to be alone. Now that I'm alone, I would do anything not to be.         'Are you alright, Kate?' Aila, my shifting animal, ask.           'Yes, I'm sorry if I woke you up...' I answer while pouring myself a glass of milk.           'Don't be ridiculous! You're my human; of course, I care about you. You dreamt about Alisha again, didn't you?'           'Yes,' I answer with a sigh.           'I didn't know the nightmares had come back; why didn't you tell me?'           'Because I have it under control.'           'It doesn't seem to be that way. Why won't you-'           'Aila, please! I don't want to talk about it! I know that you care about me, but please, for once, let this go.'           She whines and walks away in my mind. I don't mean to be hard on her; it's just hard for me to talk about my sister. Alisha was my light in my never-ending darkness, and she took all the fire with her when she left. Since that day, I've been deep inside my depression with anxiety and a mind that hates me. I'm hurting myself physically to relieve my mental pain, which has left me with multiple scars on my body. Some are deep; others aren't. How deep they are and where I place the cuts are decided by how much pain I have in my mind. Aila helps me most of the days, but sometimes even she can't help me.           Aila awoke the same night I watched my sister jump to her death. She's an ancient tiger with a lot of knowledge; this is not her first life; this gal is as old as time! Even though Aila's an old lady, she doesn't look that old. She has beautiful fur and a slim muscular body. If I had the opportunity to choose who I wanted as my spirit animal, I would never have chosen anyone else. Aila is the only thing that's keeping me floating right now. I've learned to accept her now, but you should have seen me when she first appeared in my head. Dear God, I was scared out of my mind and trashed my whole apartment.           She has taught me all about the supernatural world. Apparently, vampires and shifters are real. Well, shifters, I can understand since I'm one myself. But somehow, I thought there would be more supernatural beings out there, like mermaids and leprechauns, like in the fairytales. It's pretty evident that it isn't right, but do you get how cool it would be to hang out with an actual troll?! Yes, I'm a weird freak who likes the creatures others don't, okay? I thought you got that by now. We don't have any goddess who gives us a fated mate like in those werewolf stories; our animals choose who they want to be with, and that's that.           So far, I haven't met another supernatural being, and I'm not sure if I ever will. Aila tells me that I will get closure about my sister some day and find my new family elsewhere, that I'm going to meet other shifters. Somehow, I have trouble accepting that, mainly because I don't want a new family. I like the one I had! Our mom and dad went on a trip a couple of months before Alisha killed herself, and their plane crashed in the middle of the ocean. They never came back, and neither did my sister, mentally. She was always the perfect daughter, the one who got protection and love, while I was the one left with protecting her.           Don't get me wrong, I love my sister, and I lived to protect her. That's probably why I have such difficulties in letting her go since I failed her. It was my job to make sure that she lived no matter what; I was the one who was supposed to die, not her. If only I'd known how critical everything was going to be... I've talked to her therapist and doctor after her death. The words they said didn't sound right; that couldn't be the same person. My sister was a kind, sweet and fragile girl who had to handle more than she could take at the same time. But according to the doctors, she had talked about ending her life for years.            I've listened to the tapes, watched the films, read the papers, everything revolving around her. All of these different mediums contained her saying that she didn't want to live anymore, that her time was up, because faith had to run its course. I call bullshit; faith can go and screw himself; my sister didn't need to die, no f*****g way! Somehow, in those meetings, she didn't look sad at all. Relatively serene and calm, like she knew a secret, no one else did. The last tape was a couple of hours before her suicide, that one laid on my nightstand; I've memorized every single word coming out of her mouth by watching it for hours.         (If you want to set a mood, put on 'See you again' by Wiz Khalifa.) "My dear sister, Katerina. The time after my death will be hard for you, but I want you to keep fighting forward; otherwise, my death was for nothing. I died so you could live. You've spent your whole life protecting me without realizing that I was the one who would protect you in the end, which is why I'm doing this now. Honey, you're going to get through this, I promise. No matter how dark your path seems to be, you can be sure that I will always walk next to you and be with you wherever you are. You've been an amazing sister, and I'm grateful for everything you've done for me. Even when we were little, you agreed to eat honey puffs even though you hated them, just because you knew I liked them. You have given me an amazing time in life, and when you meet the others, you will understand everything more. Do not give up hope; I believe in you, and I know that you can, even when you yourself can not see it. I love you, my dear older twin sister; yes, I know that those three minutes are important to you. It's one of the things I always loved you for; you took on my big sister's role even though we were actually the same age. All our communal life, you have chosen away things that you liked to make me happy, and in order for me to do the same, I have to leave you. Never forget that even though my body is gone, you will always have my soul and heart with you. Take care; I hope one day you can forgive me."           How can she expect me to be able to forgive her for leaving me here all f*****g alone?! I just had her; no one else exists in my life. No boyfriend, no parents, no friends... My twin was the only one I had left, and now she's gone. Aila is the only one I have, but I can't hang out with her the same way, considering she's a part of me. Forever alone party with me, myself and I! Do you hear how sad that sounds? It doesn't matter anymore; I was never meant to be happy. The only time in my life I was delighted was when Alisha was happy; that was my paradise.           I work from home through a computer company that collects information about different people for our customers. That means I get paid by hacking into computers and not having to talk to others. Not even my boss has met me, and I very rarely go out. I don't want to go out and meet others; the depression keeps me in chains that I can't get out of, which led to me becoming asocial. Not that I was social before, but this is a whole new kind of hermit. I even order groceries delivered outside the door; I only open when I know they've gone. You see for yourself how extreme my depression has become...           So far, my life is working the way it is. If it weren't for Aila to have to come out and move sometimes, I probably wouldn't have left my dark apartment. Luckily, we live near a forest that I can shift to her in and let her run free for a while before we have to go back again. She is content with three times a week, but I know that deep down, she would like to run free every day. I'm lucky I have her by my side; otherwise, I'd go crazy. It's been so long since I talked to someone that I don't even remember how my voice sounds anymore. Someday I'll feel normal again, just not today...