What I've always known

2. Darkness

    What is the absolute darkest place you've found yourself in? Is it in a dark room late at night, when you have been in a forest when it begins to blacken, or when you daily find yourself in the darkness that is your soul? You who have been in that place I now describe, you know how it is. Those of you who haven't been there won't accurately understand what that darkness is and how it changes the person who needs to endure it. The only way you can understand is if you have to suffer through it yourself, and I am praying that you will never have to do that! The obscurest place I'm talking about is in my head, where the voices never are silent.

    Inside my head, where the voices never sleep, but instead continues to remind me of how insignificant I am, that no one needs me. I can traumatize others with the haunted house that is my mind. Imagine that you are in a cramped tunnel and the only source of light is a small spot far away in the distance that brightens your path. Now, imagine that the walls move closer and closer, the further you move towards the little light you have. You rush towards your freedom, but get held between the walls and feel how your body strains into a claustrophobic spot. That's how it is to have anxiety; the more you fight against it, the graver it gets.

    My sister was that light that I never reached in time, not until it was too late. Alisha took all the light with her, and I don't know how to find it again. It's hard to be strong and proceed forward when you have nothing to fight for anymore. Someday I will meet my sister again, and when that day comes, I will never let her go. I long to hold her close to my chest and ask for forgiveness into the end of the universe if it is required of me. She needs to know how much I love her and how she influenced my life for the better without trying.

    Alisha was my whole world, and now that she's not around, everything has withered. She gave me the joy of life and the strength to keep moving forward, and I always did; for my dearest baby sister. There was never a thought in my head that told me to leave her alone without protection; I assumed she felt the same way. Do you know how little we really know the people we think we're close to? I felt that mine and my twin's bond was more stable, that it could never break. But it did, and I sensed it. If my heart was an elastic rubber band, the band got thrust forward before slapping back into my chest with a collision.

    In all honesty, I'm not sure if I'll be able to forgive her, ever. I'm selfish thinking this way, I know. She broke my heart in half when she did what she did. We made each other a promise when we were little, "always we, not one but two." She promised me not to leave me, that we would always be together, and then she chooses to leave me anyway. Therefore, I cannot forgive her; I don't even know if I want to be able to do it. Blood is thicker than water; we are family, and family sticks together! Just like in Lilo and Stich, "Ohana means family and family means no one is left behind or forgotten"...

'Kate, how are you?' Aila asks.

'I've been better, but I've also been worse,' I answer truthfully.

'You need to occupy yourself with something, anything.'

'Like what?'

'Check your e-mail; maybe your boss has sent you a new mission or something?'

    I rise from the bed with a sigh and walk up to my paper-filled desk. When I see my background, my eyes water, the picture of Ali and me on our last trip together to Disney World, she was happy in that picture, at least that's what I thought; how was she able to hide her pain for so long? I ignore my problem and log on to my e-mail; instead, I swear to God; Aila has a sixth sense about these things or something. My boss has e-mailed me instructions about a girl who the client needs to find. I begin my work and try to locate this woman without leaving any traces behind.

    I read through the report quickly about both the customer and the person they are looking for. There's not much to work with, but if I'm going to be able to get to work, I must have coffee. I walk out into my little kitchen and start the coffee maker. My thoughts immediately slip to my inner pain, Alisha. Where is she now? Is she safe? Has she found peace, or does her darkness still hunt her? Will I ever see her again? With a sigh, I pour the coffee and walk back to my computer. It's scary how much the information fits onto me.

'1. The person we are looking for is a woman.

2. She lives alone and rarely goes out.

3. Death in the family made her depressed.

4. The last state she was seen in was Georgia the previous year.

5. She's eighteen years old.'

    I lived in Georgia last year with Alisha and moved to Santa Fe for a fresh start after her death. You already know my life situation. It can't be me they're looking for, can it? The person or persons have asked the agency for me to contact them personally instead of going through my boss as I usually do. I decide to send an e-mail to those who requested my help if they have any extra small details that can make it easier for me. An exact address, school, family name, or anything else like that can help me clarify whether it's me they're looking for or not.

'To whom it may concern;

I contact you regarding a search work you ordered from us. I'm wondering if you have any more information I could work on; as you probably understand, the data I've received from you is narrow with details that can help me find her faster. Please contact me as soon as possible!

Sincerely yours.'

    When I send the e-mail, I sit on the couch with my phone and look through my social media. Since I don't want to be recognized by others as the "twin who was left behind," all my social pages have fake names without pictures. I've never liked attention, least of all after my sister passed away. The worst thing is that it was not ordinary attention without sympathy, and I do not need it. I don't need many people who have never talked to me before to sit and tell me how sorry it is about me, about how much my sister meant, and more. None of them cared about her when she was alive; then they have no right to have her name in their mouths after she died either.

    Alisha wasn't the most popular girl in school, but she was kind and cared about other people. She did not allow many to get close to her, but those who did, were there to stay. I was the outcast and odd person who looked like a girl but behaved more like a guy. My behavior won't change after all this s**t either, like it or move on; I honestly don't care. I say what I think and think, if others can't do it, it's their loss. At least that's how I felt before; now I'm not as sure anymore. I wouldn't want to hang out with me either.

~*~*~*~

    I must have fallen asleep because when I wake up, it's dark out again. My sleep times are incredibly odd, I know. In short, I sleep once I fall asleep, which is rare. I usually stay awake the majority of the day and sleep only brief moments; this is the first time in a long time since I slept longer than two hours straight. I rub my eyes and walk out into the kitchen to pour another cup of coffee. It's cold, but I don't have the energy to heat it. I sit down in front of the computer and wonder when I see that I have already received a response from the person I e-mailed earlier.

'Hey!

We don't have much information at all, and unfortunately, I can't tell you why we're looking for her either for security reasons. I can say that it is essential for us that we find her, she is all alone in the world, and we need her here as much as she needs us. She had a twin sister, does that help anything?'

    My heart stops, and I cough heavily when I choke on the coffee. What?! This must be a joke or something, right? But what if it's not? I have no idea who these people are, and I don't trust anyone to keep my secret safe. What would it look like if the truth came out that I can turn into an animal when I feel like it? They would put me in a mental hospital, or scientists would experiment on my body like some kind of monster. No, the truth can't come out.

'You should write back to them, maybe even visit,' Aila says in our shared mind.

'And say what? "Hi, I might be the one you're looking for, but to be sure, let's hang out together!" Yeah, no, that's not going to happen.'

'I'm just saying that this might be what we've been looking for.'

'And what is that?'

'Acceptance, a place we can call home without the loneliness.'

    Her words hit me hard. I didn't think she had noticed the darkness I was desperately trying to hide from her every day. Who am I trying to fool, her or myself? Of course, she has noticed, Aila is a part of me after all. I try to keep my thoughts hidden behind mental walls, so she doesn't know how far down into the deep darkness I've fallen and how close it is to devouring me whole. I sigh soundly and am well aware that she is right; I must know the truth.

'You're right; it's time to start taking control.'

'That's my girl!' she cheers in my mind, and I laugh at her enthusiasm.

'Hey, again!

I might know who you're looking for, but to be sure, I need to meet you. Is there any possibility of that? I can't promise it's the person you're looking for, but it's worth a try, right? I can leave by tomorrow morning if needed.'

'Absolutely! You are welcome to visit us; we live in Mexico city. We'll pay for your plane ticket here and back. You can borrow a cottage during the visit; I book a ticket for tomorrow morning.'

    We e-mail back and forth for a while. I get confirmation of my tickets and the address I'm going to drive to from the airport. They are kind enough to even pre-book a rental car for me. I feel excited and find myself smiling a genuine smile. Perhaps this was my destiny all along, in which case it was worth the year I had been eaten by loneliness. I run back and forth in the apartment to pack down all the things I could possibly need for two weeks to come; you never know how long I stay. If it is me they are looking for; the possibility is great that I actually settle there instead of returning here to the dark walls I call my home.

A/N:

Hello everyone!

So, Katerina is about to meet the people who's been asking for her help. Is she the one they're looking for, or is it the universe screwing with her again? Please tell me your thoughts!

Lots of love! <3