Charming, I think NOT

Chapter 1

I absolutely hate being a princess! I know what you are thinking, how can she complain about being a princess, right? First off that’s rude, you’re being judgy. I mean come on, I know, how can I throw a fit with all these wonderful, shiny things! Everyday it’s something new. A new gift of some sort. This week was chocolates made from the coveted chocolate spinner, golden eggs stolen from the giant’s stalks, dresses detailed in gold spun from Rumpelstiltskin himself, and then a peacock, a peacock!

For crying out loud, I am guarded by a dragon. The dragon is going to think he’s getting a roasted bird dinner!

See where I’m going with this? Not only are these men giving excentric gifts, but they are risking their lives for a princess, me, whom they do not know. Never seen and never spoken to. For all they know I could be a troll dressed in fine silk. I could have warts the size of grapes on my face, and they are all too willing to risk hell fire for a title.

Most of them don’t make it past the gate that surrounds the land, then there is a mote with piranhas, and inside the gate there are traps laid throughout the castle, and not to forget my dragon. Oh, the comedy when I see prospects trying, I think the piranhas has been my favorite so far, my dragon is just bored at this point.

My father is a little excessive! Imagine trying to find a snack in the middle of the night, gets a little tricky!

No one has asked me, “Hey Elena, do you even want to get married?” or “Elena, do you want to leave the castle and see the world?”. My firm answer would be no to both.

I have cake, books, pets, an endless supply of surprise deliveries, and entertainment right outside the window!

Do you know what all the other princesses went through? No, well let me enlighten you.

Cinderella, she was a servant for her retched stepmother and sister. I know, I met them, horrible people. A man fell in love with her over a glass shoe. My problem here is why was it glass, that is dangerous. She looked homeless and he loved her instantly, a little suspicious.

Aurora, she was literally asleep, and her prince charming was just sneaking in kisses. Got to admit, that is creepy, back off buddy! Her guardian, maleficent, bipolar, make up your mind lady. Do you like Aurora or don’t you?

Ariel, she’s a fish! Her prince saw her in a near death haze and concluded she was the one. She could have been a seal for all he knew. Her father, well daddy Zeus was not happy and so typically she ran away. Little emo if you ask me, but hey I’m just stating my opinion here.

Tiana kissed a frog. Gross, I can’t get past that. NEXT!

Snow white, what was with all the tiny men? Someone wants attention.

Belle, well she was alright. I mean the girl could knock out some books. I saw beast once though and let me tell you. He should have stayed a beast, the prince-ish look isn’t really for him. Again, my opinion but I’m a sucker for good facial hair and tall men.

The moral of the story, its pathetic. Why do you need to be rescued? Why leave the safety of my castle at all? This is where all my things are. This is where my pets are.

Speaking of pets, I should really name that dragon. He seems like a Lionel? Yeah? Ehh, probably not. It’ll come to me give me time.