Loveland Vol.2

Chapter 4

Autumn

I washed myself off. After what had just happened between Logan and I it was required. I had so many confusing thoughts bouncing around in my head. As I out both kids to bed separately, I tried to rationalize the situation in my own way. I kissed each other their heads and told them I loved them. Before I could walk out of Aiden's room he stopped me. 

"Mom... Can I ask you something?" He looked at me with those big round eyes. I could never resist them. "of course honey. You know you can ask me anything." He then sat up in his bed and faced me head on. 

"What's going on with Logan? Is he okay? I-I know you guys have been fighting. Is something wrong?" Hearing his words almost broke my heart in half. I knew I couldn't lie to him. I've never been a good liar. Especially with my son. But I knew I had to be careful. What you say can never be unsaid. 

"Honey... To be honest. I don't really know what's going on with him. I'm sorry that is fighting is causing problems. I know it's causing problems. I'm just sorry you guys have to be around it. I think maybe Logan is sick. But I don't want you or Machaela to worry. I'm going to figure out what's going on. And I'm going to fix it. I promise."

Two hours later 

I was sitting on our bed. Now clean and made with fresh sheets. Coming up here while he was gone I had to revisit the mess that was our bed, reminding me of his hands,.rough and forceful on my skin. Taking his own pleasure, while giving me the most earth shattering orgasm I'd had in a while. Just then I heard the front door open. My heart started to race. I didn't know where Logan went when he left, but I had mixed feelings now about him being back. I heard him downstairs in the kitchen. Rustling around the pantry. Probably hungry. I thought to myself. He hadn't eaten much in days. I took a step towards the door and the floor creaked below me. Then silence. After a few moments I heard his heavy footsteps on the stairs. As he drew closer to the landing I got even more nervous. I didn't know why though. I quickly sat back on the bed. Waiting. 

When his tall broad form broke through the darkness of the hallway, I was immediately brought back to earlier. When he drug me up here and had his way with me. Part of me loved the pleasure and excitement of it all, but the majority of me knew something was very very wrong. When he locked eyes with me from the doorway, I was going to speak first. But he stopped me.

 "Autumn. Baby. I know what your going to say. But let me say this first. I know lately things between us have been bad. Worse than that actually. I know there's no excuse for my behavior, and I wish that I could take it all back, but I cant. But I'm gonna be okay now. I promise. Were going to be okay. Just please..." He stopped and got down on his knees placing his arms tightly around me told hold me. With my head on his shoulder I wanted nothing more than to give into him again. To get wrapped up in each other and let the world fade away. But as he spoke the words I knew in my soul that he was wrong. 

Logan

That night I did what I could to salvage things with the kids as best as I could. Going in to check on them. I went into Aiden's room first. His arm was hanging over the side of the bed, which was normal for him. I laughed a little and it felt good. I carefully placed his arm back on the bed, and he stirred. With sleepy eyes he looked up at me. I knew I probably would scare the crap out of him. But he just smiled at me. Like was happy to see me. 

"I was just coming to tell you goodnight. Sorry if I woke you up bud." I started to walk out but he stopped me. Without moving much he asked me quietly, "Logan, is everything alright?" I knew what he meant. And he knew I knew. 

"Everything is going to be fine. I promise." I made him the same promise I made to his mother. I intended to keep it.

I walked into Mac's room to find her fast asleep and even snoring a little. I sat at the edge of her bed. I don't know what came over me, how sweet she looked sound asleep or thinking About how I had hurt her feelings before. But I began to speak. More like pour my heart out. 

 " Oh sweetheart. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what's going on with me. I'm so sorry for how I've been. My mind just isn't straight. That's no excuse but I'm sorry either way. You deserve better parents than a bipolar mother who disappeared and a father that can't get his shut together. But I'm gonna do better. I'm going to fix it. I'm going to fix everything." I scrubbed a hand over my overgrown beard. I stood up to kiss her forehead. I whispered I love you kid. 

 I stood at the foot of my bed. Autumn was asleep in front of me. She looked so peaceful. The snow outside had lightened and winter would soon melt into spring. I hoped with the change of seasons, a change can be made here too. I had to try. I took the small baggy out if my pocket. 6 pills al broke into half. Take half before bed, no alcohol. Simple enough. I didn't know if this was going to work but damnit... I couldn't just sit back and watch my life fall apart around me. "I am not helpless. I'm not, God damnit. I said to myself as I put the broken pill on my tongue and took a swig if the water in my hand. 

I took everything off and slid under the cool sheets. Putting my body behind hers. Molding myself to her. She was so warm and soft. I loved her so much. I prayed silently that she would just stick with me. Please don't ever leave me. Please. 

Autumn

Days flowed into weeks. It was the the beginning of May. The snow had finally melted and spring was in full bloom. By this time back in Georgia the heat would be intense and the air muggy. But it was truly beautiful here in Loveland. Cherry blossom trees still hung on to their bright pink blooms. A light breeze filled the air. It was warm on my skin. I sat on the front porch with Beth Anne while the kids practiced ball on the new court that Logan and Stay had built for them. I smiled remembering the hilarity that was them attempting this. But in the end it turned out great. 

Logan had me worried for a while that this, all of this was too good to be true but in the last few weeks have been great. Mostly... 

He had been more attentive with the kids. And he seemed to be sleeping better at night. But some things were... Off. He didn't talk half as much as he use to. And it always seemed like he was hiding something, though I couldn't figure out what it was. I didn't want to be the nagging b***h girlfriend, so I tried to stay quiet. In those moments I wanted to speak up my mind always took me back to my marriage with Paul. I just didn't wanna go there again. 

 "So when are we gonna start planning this wedding? Y'all have been engaged since October and haven't even set a date yet. What's up?" Beth Anne spoke bringing me out of my thoughts. Truth was I hadn't thought about the wedding in a while. Too many things going on. Too many hurtles to jump first. But I couldn't say this Beth. 

"Eh, we just can't decide on a date. He wants fall I want summer. Ya know how it is?" He gave me a look that told me she knew better. 

"How's he doing? Seems like he's doing better. Ray said he's back to his old self at the shop. Just quiet." Apparently they too had caught on to that. 

"From the outside looking in, he seems alright. But honestly I'm still worried. But he refuses to talk about it, so what can I do?"  She laughed a little and looked over at Ray who was standing in our front yard, his t-shirt soaked in sweat. " Sometimes if you want a man to open up, you gotta stoke his ego a little bit... And something else" she added with a wink. 

I looked up to see Logan walking up to the house. He too was sweating but he wasn't wearing a shirt. No matter what happened between us or how much time passed, he was always the sexiest man I'd ever seen. I thought about what beth said. 

"Stroke the ego huh?" Maybe it could work?

Logan

Get it together Logan. Don't let them see. Just hold it together. Ray has been here all day. If he's not keeping an eye on me, they are. The women. Butt they can't know. She can't know what's really going on. They can't know about the voices...

"They already know.' the first voice said. This one was high pitched and whiney. No they couldn't know. I said back to the voice. 

"Who are you kidding? Of course they know! She's a smart cookie that one." Said the second voice. This one much softer, yet it always annoyed me. It was so familiar. 

No. No. I just have to hold it together. 

The job is done. The court is ready and the kids are happy. I did it. Now I just needed them to leave. I can't believe I was thinking about my friends this way. But I just couldn't let them know what was going on with me. They wouldn't understand. 

  Hell I didn't even understand it. 

"YOU DONT UNDERSTAND NOTHING!" The third voice screamed. This voice I hated the most. It set my teeth on edge. It was low and grainy, like sandpaper in my skin. I look up and see her. My Autumn. She's watching me very closely. She's been doing that a lot lately. I know what she wants. f**k I want it too. But I just... Can't. My body just won't let me. A nasty little side effect of the drugs I was taking. Sam did say it was normal, and would eventually go away. But it's been almost 2 months that I've been taking them, and it's not getting any better. 

" It's never going to get any better Logan, baby. Your stuck like this. With us." Said the softer voice

"All of us" said the whiny voice. 

"You'll never escape." Said the last. And I knew in my gut it was true. 

Later after Beth Anne and Ray finally left, I was washing up. I was about to turn off the shower, when I heard the bathroom door open. Peaking out I saw it was Autumn. She was already naked. God she was beautiful. I thought maybe at the sight of her, something, anything would happen. But my d**k had betrayed me. Again. I was starting to hate him. Number 2 spoke quietly in the back of my mind. 

"You can't have her. Look at how beautiful she is. But if you even touch her, you hurt her." That put the kibosh on that. 

She once looked at my d**k as if it were made of gold. Now she looked at my once impressive package, with nothing but disappointment. It broke me on the inside. She walked up to me, placing her soft hands on my chest. Planting a sweet kiss right over my heart. All I wanted to do was take her in my arms. But..

I watched her throw on a sundress with soft pink flowers. She was beautiful.

"Logan please, what is it? Please talk to me... I need you right now." I had to get away. Hide. I felt like I needed to hide myself away. I gently moved her out of the way so I could get dressed. But she held tight to my arm, spinning me around. 

"Is it me? Is it something I did? Am I putting too much pressure on you? Pkease you have to talk to me..." But I stayed silent. I wanted to tell her. But I just couldn't. 

"Tell her Logan. Just tell her. Think of the peace" said the soft voice. 

"TELL HER NOTHING!!!" said the third. So I didn't. Instead I went to my dresser looking for my pills. I just wanted to sleep. 

"LOGAN, PLEASE!!!" I heard her shout. It was loud enough to shake the walls around us. I felt like mg whole world was shaking. I thought she may storm out. That's what she usually does when she's upset. She hates to fight. So do I. But this time her feet were firmly planted. 

I yanked on my jeans and threw on a clean t-shirt. She was standing there with her hands on her hips, waiting for an explanation from me. I didn't have anything for her. Nothing she could understand anyway. 

" What is going on with you? Please Logan... You haven't even brought up the wedding. Not once in the last 4 months have you said one word. Should I even still wear this ring? It doesn't mean much if you never actually had any intention of going through with it.... LOGAN?!!!" She screamed at me. But I felt nothing. I dug around in my top drawer looking for my little baggie of peace. But wasn't having any luck. 

"What exactly are you looking for? Logan?" She asked me, but I ignored her. Where did I put it? 

"Where is it logan?" 

"What did you do with it?" 

" What did SHE do with it?" They were all speaking at me. Did she take it? If she had found it she would have said something. Right?

I turned too finally look at her again. She gave me a confused look. 

"Did you take something out of here? Autumn?" My voice was raw. Angrier than I had intended. Clearly taken aback, she spoke softly. 

"Logan... You don't speak to me at all for days, and this is what you chose to say? Accusing me of stealing something out of your dresser. What in the hell would I steal? Your underwear!? Jesus Christ!" I had clearly pissed her off, but i couldn't stop myself from stomping across the room and taking hold of her shoulders. I needed my pills and something told me she had them.

THEY told me she had them. 

Without meaning to I shook her, hard. 

"Where are they!? Stop lying to me you b***h! Where are they!? Where are my pills??" Her eyes were filled with tears and her body began to shake.

"Pills? Seriously? That's what all of this has been about? Your on drugs now... I don't understand why or what made you think you needed this. I don't know what I did to make you hate me so much. I'm sorry." She wiped the tears away from her eyes and walked around me cautiously to the doorway. She stopped and turned to speak to me. When I looked into her eyes and saw how much she hated me, in that moment, I knew it was over. She would never look at me the same way again. 

"I'm gonna go stay with my sister for a while. Give you some time and space. I think that will do us both some good. I'm sorry but I can't keep doing this. Your like a zombie or a ghost. And I can't be married to another man like that. I refuse. When you get all this s**t situated and by that I mean, no drugs. Period... When you can actually have a straight conversation with me, or your kids for that matter, we won't be around to bother you."

It took me a moment to register that she had left the room. Mainly because my brain was playing catch up. She said WE won't be here. She's taking the kids. Both of them. I rushed down out the door and flew down the stairs trying to get to her before she left. I watched her load both kids in the back seat each with a small bag in tow. 

" YOUR NOT TAKING THEM!!!" I screamed hoping she would here me. She turned around and held a hand up to my face. 

"STOP LOGAN. NOW! your scaring the kids, and me for that matter... Look... I love you. God I love you so much. But I cannot do this. I cannot be another miserable lonely relationship with someone who clearly doesn't want me anymore. You want to be on drugs? That's fine. But your gonna be alone. I'm sorry." She let the tears fall free this time. I knew I couldn't stop her. I had to let her go. I looked into the back window and saw the kids. Mac wouldn't even look at me. I couldn't blame her. I bent down holding the sides of the car window. I looked at Aiden, who was looking down. He didn't wanna look at me either. 

He said something but I couldn't make it out. 

"What did you say, buddy? Aiden you know you can talk to me." He looked me square in the eyes. Then he spoke. Suddenly sounding so much older than the 11 boy he was. 

"You promised me, you promised everything was going to be okay. You lied. You lied to me. Just like how my dad use to lie. Bye Logan." I had to stumble back on to my feet to keep from falling. It felt like a kick in the gut. 

How did everything fall apart so fast? 

Why was I doing this? 

"Your not. We are" they all said in unison in my head. 

I watched as she took my whole world and drove away with it. 

I sat in my garage. Full of rage. But I didn't know who exactly I was angry at. I just couldn't contain it anymore. Jumping up from the stool I threw everything off the work table in front of me. It all made a nasty bang against the metal walls. I couldn't breathe without them. But what could I do? My breath was ragged. I had to calm down. But how? I sat there leaving over with my hands braced on my knees. I looked up towards the back corner, there I saw it. The old acoustic guitar I'd had since I was 16 years old. I walked over and lightly touched the wood with my finger tips. I mindlessly picked at a string, it's sound was good. Real good. I picked it and sat back down on my little metal stool. 

Before I could even think about what in the hell to play, it came to me. A song I had heard 100 times but never actually understood until now, in this moment. I played the first chords and it all started to flow through me... 

I'm a long way from home

And so all alone

Homesick, like I never thought I'd be

I'm a long way from home

And everything is wrong

Someone please watch over me

       As I played, my once racing heart seemed to settle. But into something different.... Pure unadulterated heartbreak. But my fingers continued to play. 

I'm not accustomed to these feelings The loneliness is burning in my soul Sometimes the mind

 is so misleading I wish I'd stayed at home like I was told I'm a long way from home And so all

 alone Homesick, like I never thought I'd be I'm a long way from home And everything is wrong 

Someone please watch over me....I wish I knew the force within me That keeps my mind out of 

control What makes me reach for things that I can't see I wish I'd stayed at home like I was told...

Once the music stopped, and the air fell silent again, I had a sudden clarity I didn't have before... 

I was going to get them back. 

Later on when the sun went down and the caramel colored sky sank into a midnight blue, I walked in my back door and saw it there on the counter. Autumns engagement ring. It seemed to be Screaming at me, reminding me of how much of a dirtbag I'd been. How I had managed to f**k everything up in just a matter of months. I had pushed her away. I had pushed my kids away. Hell I hadn't even spoken to my folks since my birthday last month. Truth be told they didn't wanna see me. I had showed my ass in front of everyone. Trying to hold it all in. What appeared on the outside was someone who didn't want a party, or friends or family but on the I side I was a screaming child, locked inside of a box. Just begging to get out. 

  I had to figure out what the hell was going on with me. What was causing these nightmares? More like night terrors. Why was my brain making me see things that aren't there? And why the f**k was I hearing voices? I needed a fix. But I was out of pills. I needed to see Sam. 

" No!" I screamed out loud, alone in my big empty kitchen. 

"No more pills. No more." I said banging my hands on the butcher block counter. I needed to figure this out. But how? 

I thought for a moment about calling my brother. But I hadn't spoke to D since Autumn and I got out of the hospital. He had a new baby and a 4 year old and didn't have time for me. Who could I call and talk to who won't judge me? I thought to myself...

Duh... 

I took my phone out of my pocket and hit the send button. Within 3 rings he answered. 

"Hey man! What's up?" Ray said. He sounded a little distracted. 

"Ray? Hey man. Listen uh... Are you busy right now? I kinda need to talk to you." I tried to calm my voice. 

"Well I was helping Beth put the kids to bed... I figured you'd be calling me at some point... I can come over. Just give me a few." With that we hung up. No pleasantries needed. Somehow I think he knew what was going on with me even though I hadn't said anything. 

Here lately every time Ray and I are around each other, he watches me. As if he's waiting for me to explode or something. Maybe he could help me. God I hoped he could help me.