Under Five

Chapter 2-1

Chapter 2

“You have looked at yourself before, right?” That was the first question my sister Carmen asked after I invited her over and told her the whole gruesome debacle. I know it may seem weird sharing this with my sister, but we were close and told each other everything. Well, almost everything. Besides, telling any of my gay friends was out of the question. Stuff like this spreads like wildfire among the gay community, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to be the one to get the ball rolling.

“Yes, I have. And before you ask, yes, I have seen men with different sizes than my own. I just never really thought of mine as being, you know—“

“More Vienna sausage than ballpark frank?” Carmen intruded before I could finish.

I rolled my eyes a bit, hoping she would get the hint. I knew what she was getting at, even if I didn’t want to admit it.

“Ugh, do you have to be so crass about everything?” I blurted, hoping to get the conversation back on track.

Carmen, as usual, ignored me, and focused her eyes right into mine. This is how I knew she was going to start with the truth bombs, which I needed at this point, even if it was going to be unpleasant to hear.

“Okay, the way I see it,” Carmen began in her most authoritative voice, “it can’t possibly be what you think it is. While you are not a slut, you have been with other guys, some that were quite serious, and it never seemed to be an issue before.” Carmen looked at me intently, but I was already lost in thought.

What she was saying made sense, however, looking back on some of my past relationships, there have been some odd occurrences that needed a bit of revisiting.

Case Number 1: Franklin

I started seeing Franklin about six months after my first boyfriend Chad and I broke up. I didn’t feel like dating again, but Carmen insisted that it was time to get back on the horse. “Chad had already found his latest boy toy,” she would repeat, “so why can’t you.” So, I did what any full-blooded young, 25-year-old would do; I fired up my phone and went on one of those location-based dating apps and found Franklin.

In a sea of shirtless gods and goofy selfies, Franklin seemed like a breath of fresh air. He was cute, tall, funny, and seemed to know where he was going in life. That was really hot for someone like myself who was also very career driven. Plus, he had the most adorkable look you could ever lay your eyes on. Glasses, shirts of the latest sci-fi craze; the works. If I wasn’t still hung up on Chad, I would have easily fallen for Franklin. Well, if there had been time for that.

We dated a few weeks before our first hook-up, and right after Franklin went MIA. While I wondered what was going on, I was too busy at my new job at the museum to think about it much. It took a lot for me to stay away from the phone, but I managed to do it. Dang, was I proud of myself. But Franklin eventually called, and curiosity got the best of me, so I agreed to meet him out for some Chinese food.

As I walked in, I saw Franklin seated at a table in the corner. When I reached the area, he got up and pulled out my chair. I was impressed by his chivalry, but for some reason, I couldn’t let go of the feeling that something just wasn’t quite right. Franklin was being kind and courteous, but there was something a bit off. It all seemed too calculated and lacked real emotion.

“You look good, Mike,” Franklin began after giving me a peck on the cheek. I had to admit that the touch of his lips made me quiver. They were so soft and gentle; the kind you could let roam your body all night long.

“Thanks, so do you.” After that there was a long, awkward silence. I decided to try and ease the tension with a joke, but Franklin started talking before I could get any words out.

“Look, I guess I should cut right to the chase. I mean, after all, we don’t want to waste each other’s time, right?” Franklin looked at me as if he was expecting an answer, but I was a little too stunned to continue. I mean, where was the cool sci-fi geek from a few weeks ago?

“Okay then,” Franklin continued.

“I’m sorry,” I interjected, “I thought that you were asking a rhetorical question.”

“Hmmm, fair enough.” Franklin let out a long sigh before finally speaking again. “Look Mike, I just want you to know that I think you’re great. I mean really, really great. In fact, if the timing were better, we might have had something. But you know, I am just not where I want to be, and I really need to find myself before I can commit to anything. I just can’t be with anyone right now. Plus, I just want you to know…”

As Franklin continued to speak, I suddenly began to hear his words in slow motion. “It’s not you, it’s me.” If this were a cartoon, my head would have exploded. But since we hadn’t ordered yet, I simply excused myself with the ol’ “I have a lot of work to do” and left. I didn’t see Franklin for a couple of months after that. Okay, technically I saw him on f*******: three weeks later, after he changed his status from single and to in a relationship…with Chad.

Case II: Chad

Oh, where to begin with Chad. I could say a lot of things that could sound hurtful and just plain bitchy, but perhaps I should be the bigger man about things and only stick to the good parts. Oh, who am I kidding? Chad was my first love, and I will always treasure that. But he was also my first heartbreak, and even though many people can remain friends after a break-up, the way Chad ended things pretty much guaranteed that a peaceful friendship would never happen.

I guess I should start at the beginning. I met Chad while I was still in college. It was my last semester, and I stopped at the student union to grab a quick bite to eat before my next class. Chad was working behind the counter at one of the fast food places, and I was immediately drawn in by his gorgeous blue eyes and that oh so strong, husky body. I never understood why some guys would shave their head on purpose, but it added to his masculine appeal.

“So, you gonna order anything?” Chad asked me with a slightly inquisitive look. He just kept looking at me, but I didn’t say a word. It finally dawned on me that I had been like that from the moment I stepped up to the counter, so I had better say something clever before it was too late.

“I don’t know, do you come on the menu?” was my response. After the words left my lips, I wanted to run away and hide in the nearest hole I could find. Even the people behind me snickered.

I didn’t know if this guy was gay or not, and I certainly didn’t want to do anything that would get spit in my food. But even if he was gay, I would have never been so out there like that. Chad just stayed there looking at me, so I figured I would try my hand at ordering again.

“Yeah, I’ll take a number six.” I wasn’t even sure what a number six was, I just saw the number and ran with it.

“Wow, you must really be hungry,” Chad mused as he rang up my order. “That will be six twenty-five.”

I looked up at the menu and saw that I had just ordered a triple cheeseburger, with extra- large fries, drink, and apple pie. When I first started college, I could polish one of those off like nothing, but after I gained a few pounds, I decided to try and change the way I ate. Yet since I had already ordered it…

I handed my card over to Chad and avoided eye contact. The order would take a few minutes, so I was instructed to sit down and wait for them to take it out to me. I put my headphones on and started listening to music, that is until I felt a tap on my shoulder.

Chad was standing over me with a tray in his hands, my huge ass burger on full display. He didn’t say anything, but he did smile as he placed my food down on the table. There was just something about his smile, something different than before. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it made me tingle in places I never thought could tingle.

As I picked up my burger, I noticed that one of the receipt copies had fallen out from under it. Being the neat freak that I am, I quickly picked it up, but not before I noticed that something was written on the back.

I love a man with a good appetite. I’m Chad, and I am definitely on the menu for you. Call me.

I was dumbstruck. I didn’t know if I should turn around and smile or just keep eating. I chose the former and was glad I did because Chad smiled right back at me and waved, leading to what I thought was the beginning of a great romance.

Needless to say, it really did not end well. I don’t know what happened, it all just seemed to change so suddenly. We had been together for almost three years, and we even talked about moving in together. But one day, out of nowhere, Chad stopped taking my calls. And my emails, texts, f*******: messages and whatever else that was used for communicating at the time. I swear that if I had used smoke signals, Chad would have found a way to make it rain enough to snuff out my fire.

A week had gone by and still nothing. Carmen suggested for me to go over and wait with the lights off until he got home, that way I could confront him right then and there. While I still had the key to his place, I knew it was a crazy idea, so I just sort of kept that in the back of my mind as a Plan B. Plan A wasn’t that much better though, and after another few days, Plan B sounded tempting.

Luckily it didn’t have to come that. Chad finally did call and asked to come over right away. Somehow, I convinced myself that he had seen the error of his ways and decided that he needed me back in his life. As much as I wanted him back, I wasn’t going to make it too easy. I felt that I needed to make sure he would see what he tried to give up.

Step one involved manscaping myself to absolute perfection. Step 2 was finding the right cologne to drive him wild. Step 3 focused on hair, which was to be styled in a way that flattered my face. Finally, Step 4 involved finding the right outfit that enhanced all my best features.

I rushed into the shower and got ready as fast as I could. I only had an hour to prepare, but I somehow managed to get everything done. Once the doorbell rang I casually opened it and began to greet Chad ever so coolly.

“Please, come in,” I said, making sure to hide my butterflies. Chad didn’t notice. He rushed right in and found a spot on my couch. He patted the cushion next to him. I sat down as nonchalantly as I could, making sure to have one arm spread out on the edge of the couch and my legs crossed.

I don’t know, in my head it seemed like it would be both confident and sexy, but when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, all I saw was desperation, so I abandoned my pose and took a normal one.

Chad didn’t say anything, so I got the ball rolling.

“So, what did you want to talk about?”

Chad continued to look at the floor while his leg started to shake nervously. “Look, I just want to say I’m sorry for not calling you. That was wrong. But I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

“You know, we could have talked about it. Maybe if you had told me, we could have fixed what was wrong,” I said in my most soothing voice. My curiosity was eating away at me. What exactly couldn’t he take? I could have asked, and probably should have. But I didn’t want to push.

“Look, you’re great and everything, but I need more than just a great guy. I need someone that can fulfill all my needs.” His leg began to tap faster and faster. I didn’t want to do it, but I had to, so I reached across and placed my hand on his lap.

Chad grabbed my hand and flung it off. “Don’t try to get me in the bedroom. s*x was a big part of the problem, so it won’t solve anything.”

“s*x? That’s not what I was getting at.,” I responded. “But I don’t remember hearing any complaints from you all these years.”

“Well, you didn’t hear any moaning from me either,” was Chad’s reply. I could feel the anger fueling up inside of me, but I had to stay calm. I still wanted this to work and going off the rails wasn’t going to help.

“What the hel—” I began to speak, but Chad quickly cut me off.

“I don’t have time to fight. I just wanted you to know that I have already moved on to someone who can take care of what I need. Someone with the right equipment. So please just move on.” And just like that he left. He was always a “rip the band aid off” type of guy; I just never thought I’d be the band aid.

I didn’t see Chad for a while after that moment. I avoided all the clubs and bars we went to, our favorite restaurants, and I even stayed clear of stores he liked. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but somehow, I managed. Sure, it turned me into a social hermit, but at least I could work on getting over him on my own terms.

But not seeing Chad still didn’t keep his words from cutting me up into pieces like a knife. The right equipment. How on Earth could he throw someone away for something like that? After three years? s*x never seemed like an issue before, so why was it so important now?

It wasn’t until a few weeks after my conversation with Franklin that I spotted Chad again; or should I say them. I figured it was time to get myself out there, and now that Chad was in a relationship with Franklin (good ol’ f*******:) I thought perhaps they wouldn’t be out as much. I was wrong.

The moment I walked into the bar, I saw them there looking right at me. Franklin whispered something to Chad, who responded by making some weird sign with his fingers. I didn’t realize it until now, but it’s the kind of thing you do to signify that someone has a small d**k.

So, in a way, this was all beginning to make sense. Chad, Franklin, Carlo; I wasn’t big enough for them. That’s why they left.