Never again (Hanna series #1) {COMPLETED}

Chapter 2

"Dear diary, I no longer know why I did it. I should have been used to it by now, that everyone is going to leave. No one stays with me. It's just a question of time before he decides to leave you too. Don't let him get to close, Hanna! If he gets close, it's just another oppurtunity to get hurt. Let him go. Before it's too late, before you get stuck in something you can't get out of."

Kevin is already standing outside the school when I walk out through the doors. He's smiling at me and waves. He looks very mature even though he's only sixteen years old. He has beige chinos, brand shoes, a blue pullover and black leather jacket. I start walking towards him and I dare to give him a small smile.

"There you are! I almost thought that you already left"

"The thought was compelling, but I decided to give you a change" I say and winks at him. He's laughing. "Ouch, you are feisty today!"

"Someone has to be" We start our walk to the busstop. He's walking so close to me that I can smell his perfume, something sweet with a mix of some sort of tree. Oak, maybe?

"Hey, something the matter?" he asks and looks curious at me. He's very tall compared to me, my guess would be that he's atleast thirty centimeters taller than me, after all I'm just 150 cm.

"I recognize your perfume, but I can't place the tree smell..."

"Hm, that's not from the perfume though"

"No?"

"No, we renovate at home. There's saw dust and boxes everywhere. It took me nearly 40 minutes this morning to find a pair of underwear" I giggle. It feels good, to be here and be happy with another human being. We reach our stop and go under the busstop roof.

"So... Emilia don't really like you, does she?"

"No, she don't"

"What's the story there?" I try to remember. Yeah, when did it become weird between us? Vi was together all the time when we were kids, it was just a few years ago that we stopped. I sigh.

"I have thought about that a lot too"

"Yeah? Wanna explain?"

"Well... We hung out a lot through the years. We said goodbye just before summerbreak in 8th grade as usual, because she goes with her parents to different countries every summer, everything was fine. When we came back for our freshman year, something had changed. I walked up to her our first day and tried to hug her, like I always did. But she pushed me away and laughed at me. She said "Wow! Are you like in love with me or something?". She just kept laughing with her new friends and I walked away, confused"

"That sounds tough. If you were friend all those years and then she just change in a couple of years..."

"It's not that weird, not really. We were the typical and stereotypical nerds when we grew up and when we got back to school I guess she got tired of being a dork. Even you should understand by now that she has higher rang in the popularity scale than me. She got popular, and I'm... Not." I say and shake my shoulders.

"Then she's not a real friend. Real friends don't do like that" He says and looks at me with a serious look.

"It doesn't matter anymore. That's a year ago now. I can't just stop because my former best friend decides one day to start looking like a barbie and behave like a b***h. That's her loss, not mine"

"I think you are handling it very good. I would have been really mad if someone did that to me"

"I stopped caring"

"Why?"

I turn my gaze to him.

"Because my dad died" He looks at me uncomfortable.

"Oh, sorry... I didn't mean to..."

"No, it's okay. My guess is that it wasn't a good look on her to have a depressed and broken dork around, when she could be popular and be invited to funny parties instead"

"How did he die?"

"He got sick, many years ago. Cancer. The doctors told us that the cancer was gone and that he would be okay. Everything was going to be normal again and during those months, everything was absolutely perfect. Until one day when he fell on the floor, at my birthday dinner. He had to go to the hospital with ambulance and they told us that the cancer was back. He died that night. His body shut down, he didn't have any fight left in him"

"I'm really sorry...I don't"

"It's really fine. It's nice to be able to talk about him. Most people don't dare to ask. They think that I'm made of glass and break if they ask me things. I rather talk with someone who asks and I can decide then if I want to talk about it or not, than people not daring to talk to me at all"

"Thank you for answering, it really means much to me" The bus is here and we go to sit down where we sat earlier this morning.

"Now it's my turn to ask" I said and made myself comfortable in my seat.

"Go right ahead!"

"Where did you live before?"

"Stockholm"

"Why did you move?" he look uncomfortable again and seems to be thinking about how to answer the question.

"I did things I shouldn't have done" he says and looks away. I can understand the hint and choose to be quiet.

"Have you always lived here?" he asks.

"Yeah, I'm born here"

"Do you have any siblings?"

"I have a sister"

"Does she live with you?"

"No"

"How old is she?"

"Listen, I'm not going to talk about my sister" I say annoyed and look him in the eyes. He looks at me with understanding and nods.

"Are you going to Johannes party to night?" he asks instead and looks expectant.

"No, it's not really my thing..."

"Oh, come on! A little while you can be there, please?"

"I've planned to write and my mom needs help tonight" I lied.The truth was that I don't like to party anymore. I have my dear sister to thank for that. She destroyed all my happiness years ago. Kevin doesn't need to know the whole story, not yet.

"Okay, that's to bad. You can send me a message later if you change your mind, I can meet you"

"Thanks, but I probably will not come"

"Text me anyway" he says and winks at me. He gives me his phone and I type in my number.

I rise, ready to leave the bus at my stop.

"Don't forget to text me" he shouts and smiles at me.

"I won't" I answer and leaves the bus.

The road home from the bus stop is not long. It only takes a few minutes to walk. I take the opportunity to take the mail in while I walk past the mailbox, mom always nags me that I should do it. I kick my shoes off and throw the mail at the hall before I take off my jacket. I walk into the kitchen, get a glass and pour juice. I take a sip of the juice and stare out the kitchen window.

A mother jumps out of the car further down the street and barks at her children to get out. Besides that, it's completely dead. Not a murmur except the rain that falls down the road. I turn around and go out into the hall. I'm about to go up the stairs when I see it. I'd recognize the handwriting from a distance of miles. I pick up the letter with shaky hands and read on the front page, "To Hanna Skogholm". It's from her, it has to be.I take the letter with me and go up the stairs into my room. I turn over the letter and look at the back, "From Johanna Skogholm". yes, it's from her. My sister. I'll sit down at the desk and open the envelope. In the letter she writes about how badly treated she feels that I decided to break contact with her. That I should mature and realize that all people can make mistakes. That it was years ago and I need to learn how to let go of the past. As usual, she pretends to be a victim to gain sympathy. I'll throw the letter in a desk drawer. I take my pencil box and throw it into the wall before I scream right out in frustration! I don't want to talk to her! Why is it so f*****g hard to understand?! She's done her part! She just made a mistake, yes, but it was the same mistake several times over! I throw myself on the bed, before I know it, my eyelids fall down and everything goes black. 

I wake up knocking on my bedroom door. First a little careful knock, then it gets high dunks instead.

"HANNA!"I'll sit up in bed and yawn. I know that voice. I'll get up and unlock the door. I'll throw myself back on the bed.

"Where the hell have you been? Why don't you answer when the best thing that ever happened to you rings?"Oliver asks and looks offended."I was asleep."

"Obviously," says André, sitting on my desk chair. Oliver throws himself into my bed on the other side.

"Did we have something planned today?" I ask without opening my eyes. 

"Have you forgotten your very best friends in the whole world now too?"Oliver wonders.

"I've been cuddling with them since I got home," I exclaim. Oliver's eyewith his eyes.

"I wasn't referring to your pillows"

"I did"

"You can't lie here on a Friday night and sleep! We're going to do something.Should we?"

"We could go down to the port," suggests André.

"Or, or what? We can go to Johannes's party tonight!" Oliver screams excitedly.

"Not interested" I answer and turn around in bed.

"Come on, baby girl! You're going to crumble away by just lying here your whole life. Let's go to a party... Come on!" 

"I'll see what I can find in your closet," he says, getting up to go into my closet.I sigh loudly.

"How the hell did you get into my house, anyway?" I ask and rub my eyes.

"Are you kidding me? I've been hanging out here since we were kids."I know where you keep the spare key," oliver says, winking.

"I need to find a better hiding place."

"You hurt me, princess," he says, trying to look hurt.

"I saw you and the new guy at the bus stop earlier, it looked nice" says André, grinning. Oliver loses the clothes he had on his arm. He hastily picks them up and says:

"What guy?"

"The new guy Kevin, Emilia's new conquest," patrik replies.

Oliver's looking at me.

"The guy you talked to on the bus earlier today?"

"Yes."

"You didn't even know his name when I spoke to you before," he says annoyingly.

"I didn't do that then either. Apparently, we are in the same group in the discussion group."

"Let me guess, he asked you if you wanted to go with him, smiled at you and in that moment you would accompany him to the end of the earth," he says, and heavens with his eyes. 

"It wasn't even that..."

"Dude, why are you so mean? That was really low, what the hell is wrong with you?"asks André and looks straight at Oliver.  Oliver pulls his hand through his hair and looks apologetically at me.

"I'm sorry, Hanna. I don't know why I said that."

"In any case, we live in the same direction and he wondered if I wanted company on the bus because the rest of you had already left. That's it. There's nothing more to tell than that, we don't really know each other"

Oliver immediately looks happier and continues digging in my closet for the perfect outfit for tonight. My phone vibrates and I go up to the wall and pick up the phone that's been on charge. It's a text from Kevin.

"Howdy! What are you doing?"

"Not much. My friends are here."

"Nice, Oliver and André, huh? Surely it's the two of you you spend the most time with?"

"Yes, exactly. Though Dennis and Patrik, I spend as much time with as Ollie and Adde. It's more like Amanda and Sara I don't spend as much time with."

"I get it. What are you going to do?"

"Well... Apparently we're going to the party at Johannes's anyway."

"s**t what fun! I'll see you there, do you have drinks or should I fix it for you, too? I've got enough for you too."

"Thank you, but I have my secret stash in my room ;)."

"Ah, see you later then!"

I put the phone down and smile to myself.

"I thought you didn't know each other very well" says Oliver who has obviously looked over my shoulder  when I texted. I sigh.

"I gave him my number because he asked for it."

"So you're giving out your number to each other guy who asks for it? That's new"

"But can you stop? What's your problem, Ollie, seriously? You make me sad when you're doing this. I really  don't understand why you should always be mean to me..."

"Ollie, let's go down you and me" André's taking Ollie out of my room. I'll change into a knee-length blue dress and press my ear against the door.

"Ollie, what are you doing?What the hell are you doing? Give the girl some space. You don't pull her  any closer when you do this. She won't even want to talk to you in the future if you keep going."

"Oh, s**t. I know, i know! I don't understand why I can't stop. My mouth says things without me being able to control it"

"I saw her eyes watering when you said that. Stop it now"

I move out of the door and stand in front of the mirror. I put my makeup on a little fast and put my hair up in a tousled knot. I dig in the closet for my heel shoes and find them in the end. I feel humiliated about  the things Oliver says about me... He really hurts me, I really can't understand where all this is coming from. I put on my shoes and look at myself in the mirror one last time and paste on a smile before I go out of the room to go to the party with my friends.

"Are you sure this is the right way? I feel like we've been walking for hours now!" André exclaims to Oliver.

"I know it's going to be here somewhere," oliver says most of the time to himself. 

I pick up the phone and quickly send a text message to Kevin."Hello! Ollie sucks at finding the right way. What address are we going to?"

"Where are you now?"  

"The park, at the kiosk."

"Wait there, I'll be there."

"Okay, honeys, let's wait nicely here"

"Why would you do that?" Oliver wonders.

"Because mine, dear Ollie, we will be rescued shortly from this terrible journey towards Mordor" I answer dramatically.

"Oh, thank God! I don't know how much longer I can follow Gollum here to the end of the world," says André, laughing out loud. Oliver turns to us and looks at us sourly while we laugh.

"Really, that's how it's going to be? Really? Okay..."

"Come on, darling, relax, you've been dragging us around in circles for half an hour now, it was time to send off bottle mail and ask for help," I say. He starts smiling a little and asks:

"Who's meeting us?"

Just when he asks, Kevin whistles from across the street. I start walking towards him with the others in train after me. When we meet, Kevin opens up for a hug and I hug him back. Oliver looks shocked as André reaches out and introduces himself.- 

"André"

"Kevin"

Kevin reaches out to Oliver and waits for him to take it. When the shock settles, he takes Kevin's hand in his.

"Oliver"

"It's nice to meet guys," he says. Then he turns to me smiling.

"Hanna"

"Kevin" 

"Thank you for last time!"

Oliver reacts to this but says nothing. I smile at Kevin and answer:

"Thank you, interesting bus trip."

"I can't help but agree, you're an interesting girl"

This was too much for Oliver.

"Are you going to stand here and flirt for a long time or can we start moving?" he asks annoyedly and looks straight at me.

"Of course, come on."

During the short distance to Johannes's house, Kevin and I walk next to each other. We talk about all sorts of things while Ollie and André go behind us. I hear their low voices behind me.

"Stop now Ollie, she needs to talk to other people without you freaking out"

"They've met twice and she allows him to hug her..."

"Stop it, please"

It's smoky and loud inside Johannes's. Several people stand and smoke in the kitchen while they almost scream to be able to talk to each other. Kevin leads us further into the apartment to the living room where people are scattered. The atmosphere is happy. I take up one of my ciders I brought with me and start drinking. I'll stand and talk to my friends when Kevin comes up to me.

"Are you going to smoke?"

"I was going to go outside and get some air."

"Yes, i'm sure."

"I'm coming along," says Oliver as we leave.

"But you don't even smoke," I tell Oliver. Oliver shuts up and shrugs.

"Go out into the hall, I'll be right there," says Kevin, turning towards Oliver.I start walking towards the hall and perceive a small part of the conversation.

"Okay, I want to have some time of my own with Hanna. You get it, don't you?" says Kevin.

I see Oliver stretching his whole body after hearing this. Looks like he's going to slap Kevin right in  his pretty face. André puts his hand on Oliver's shoulder and says:

"It's all right, isn't it, Ollie?

He looks pleading with Oliver, who lets out a breath and nods. Kevin smiles at them and walks towards me.

"Everything okay?" I ask.

"Absolutely"

It's chilly outside, I didn't put on my jacket. First, we just stand there in total silence and smoke our  cigarettes. I start shivering a little and Kevin moves closer to me. He puts his arm over my shoulders and    I  alreadyfeel warmer. He looks down at me and smiles. I'm moving a little closer.

"Have you been friends for a long time?" he suddenly asks.

"Me and André?"

"No, you and Oliver."

"We've been best friends since we were kids. I accidentally threw a snowball in his face"

"You've never been more than friends?"

"No, never! He's like a brother to me."

"But you've been thinking about it?"

"Maybe once upon a time"

"But not anymore?"

"No, I came to the conclusion that it was not worth putting our friendship at risk. Besides, it was just a girl's dream"

"It would be a loss if you were someone elses"

I look at him questioning and he grins at me.

"What do you mean?"

"You're a beautiful girl, too beautiful to be in a relationship with someone else. Real men don't look at busy chicks"

"Are you one of these men?" I ask.

"That's why I'm lucky you're not busy"

"Hanna, it's time to go"

I turn around hastily. Oliver and André are right behind us. André looks uncomfortable and Oliver looks mad. How much of our conversation have they heard?

"Where are we going?" I ask.

"Home," oliver replies harshly.

"We just got here!"

"It's a boring party," he says, shrugs.

" You're the one who nagged me that I should come with you, and now that we're here, you want us to  leave?"

"So if you want to leave, I can keep an eye on Hanna. I won't let anyone get too close, I promise," says Kevin.

"Thanks for the offer, but Hanna was only allowed to go to the party if she was with us. So she's going  home if we go home.It was a lie.

"But..."

"Kevin, it's all right. It's probably just as well anyway," I say, smiling a little uncertainly at him. He looks at  Oliver and then he looks at me. I don't want to be embarrassed anymore, the atmosphere is already  embarrassing as it is. I'll talk to Oliver about this later.

"Okay, text me when you're home."

He hugs me and I hug back. He puts his chin on my head and hugs me a little longer than necessary. I let  go and start walking with my friends towards the bus. 

I turn around and see a smiling Kevin looking after me.What's your problem, 

"Ollie? Do you have any idea how embarrassing you were? Besides, you're lying!" I say annoyed to Oliver at the bus stop.

"I'm not the one acting like I'm easy, is It"

André reacts instantly and pushes oliver to the chest.

"Dude what the hell?! How can you say that to Hanna? Nothing she's done tonight affects you at all. She  doesn't deserve to be treated like this by you, that's enough!"

Oliver's looking at me, sad. I feel tears in my eyes. When the first tear falls, Oliver says:

"Hanna, i'm sorry..."

"Just let me be Ollie, I'll walk home instead.

Before any of them have time to react, I've got up and walked away.

When I get home, my mom's in the living room watching TV.

"Hey, Hanna, was that fun?"

"Very" I say and go up the stairs to my room. I'll sit down at the desk and open the diary.

"Dear diary, this day could have ended better. I went to a party for the first time in a long time and had fun. There's something wrong with Ollie. He's not himself. He says bad things and treats me badly, this is not  my best friend I grew up with, and now even my friends are starting to shy away from me. It's only a matter of time until I'm all alone again. It is in this way that people do not care about the feelings of others. We  don't ask how people are feeling because we want to listen to what they say, it's for us to talk ourselves. Ollie's going to leave me too. Everyone leaves me in the end. Why should my friends be any different?  Maybe it's time to let time take its course and embrace my darkness instead of fighting back..."