BELOVED ⚔Assassin Series9 ⚔

Nine

May isang tao palagi sa buhay mong may access sa pinaka totoong ikaw. Sa kanya mo maiiyak lahat at masasabi lahat. Gaano ka man niya nasaktan dati, hinding hindi mo maipagkakaila yung impact na nagawa niya sa buhay mo. Nasaktan ka man sa kanya. Sa kanya mo naman natutunan maging malakas, sa kanya mo natutunan bumangon ulit, kaya naman kung anong lungkot na naramdaman mo ngayon ay halos balewala na dahil nasaktan ka man niya dati andoon pa rin siya para suportahan ka. Tipong ramdam mo ang pagsisisi niya sa nakaraan kung bakit isa rin siya sa nagwasak ng pusong ang nais lang naman ay mahalin.

Siya yung nag set ng boundary what true love means para sa ‘yo. Kasi nawala man siya? Sa kanya mo naman naramdaman yung pag-ibig na handa mong ipaglaban kahit kanino. Kaya pag may nagmamahal sa 'yo na hindi nalagpasan ang pag-ibig na 'yon at bigla itong nawala, hindi ganun ka-big deal sa 'yo kasi mas may naramdaman kang mas better.

These past few days, nagparamdam ka. Out of the blue, kahit di na naman kita friend sa f*******:, naglike ka ng post ko. So alam ko na at some point talagang binibisita mo pa rin yung account ko. Nag chat ka. Biniro pa kita sabi ko masyado ka namang stalker naglalike ka pa. Kamustahan. Biruan. Tagal na rin pala since nung huli nating pag-uusap. Pero iba na ngayon eh. Simula nung araw na sinabi ko sa sarili ko, na ayoko ng makita ka, na lalayo nako. Na kahit bumalik ka pa, iiwasan kita. Iiwas ako sa dahilan kung bakit lumabo yung malinaw nating relasyon bilang mag best friend . Iiwas ako sa tukso. Iiwas ako sayo. Kasi mahal kita. Higit sa pagmamahal ko sa sarili ko.

Selfish ako dahil sinaktan kita? Hindi. Alam mo yung totoo. Selfless ako. Kasi mas pinili ko yung mapasaya kita kaysa sa sarili ko. Nasasaktan ako pag nasasaktan ka. Ang sikip sa damdamin nung naririnig kitang umiiyak sa telepono habang sinasabi mo sakin na..

“Mahal kita! Sige, hahayaan na kita. Sana mahanap mo ang lalaking mamahalin ka ng tapat kagaya ng pagmamahal ko sayo. Sana ituring ka rin nyang prinsesa. Sana alagaan ka nya.”

Pero bakit ganito. Ayokong isiping sign to na mali yung desisyon ko kasi hindi talaga ko naniniwala sa signs. Pero bakit sa tinagal tagal na nating di nagkikita, biglang maaalala kita, makikita kung saan saang social media, bigla kang maglalike or what. Napaka ironic lang. Habang umiiwas ako, lalo ka pang napapalapit. I feel so terrible na bigla kang tatawag pero irereject ko at magdadahilan akong may ginagawa ako which is dati naman kahit may ginagawa ako ok lang.

I don’t feel any guilt sa fact na nirereject kita. Ang sakin lang, oo noon, may parte ka sa puso ko pero pinilit kong punan yun ng pagmamahal para sayo na binalewala mo. Gusto kong sabihing wag ka nang sumubok ulit. Hindi dahil sa nagpapaka rude ako. Ayoko na lang ulit may masaktan pa sating dalawa. Masakit sating dalawa yung nangyari noon at ayoko na ulit mangyari pa yon.

Please. Oo gusto kita noon. Hindi naman mawawala yun as long as you’re keeping in touch with me kaya sana, sana mag move-on na lang tayo sa sarisarili nating buhay. Oo gusto kita minahal pa nga eh. Ang laki ng pinagkaiba. It’s not your fault. Kasalanan natin to pareho. Alam ko. That’s why I’m trying my very best to make things right. Please. Just don’t ruin it. Just don’t.

Pikit matang hiling ni Mia ng maalala na naman si Prince. Hindi sya ipokrita, kung anong nararamdaman nya kay Prince ganun pa rin walang pinagbago. Di nga ba't pag nangangarap sya dati "My Beloved Prince" ang tawag nya sa binata. Nasaktan lang sya ng sobra kaya nya nilayuan ang binata.

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My heart, my responsibility. Life is full of endless possibilities, equations and what if’s which can easily snaps into reality. But out of all results and answers, why aren’t you one in my papers?

The moment you said, “Don’t fall in love with me.” Did you have any idea how it choked the air from entering my lungs, and plunged my heart deeper inside my gut, if not for my hands holding it from falling apart? – Trembling with blood and tears, flowing like a dam between my fingertips?

“Why?” I whispered through the dark.

“Because I’m scared,” You replied with a forced smile, “I worked hard to get where I am, and I even sacrificed my love life to get here. So, please don’t.”

Almost instantly, I could see the lie beneath that voice of yours – how you tried not to give the truth away, how you struggled to keep it together for the both of us. How you’re desperate to make me believe it.

Or, am I just overthinking it? Perhaps I did, or perhaps I did not. Either way, you’ve already told me what you think I needed to believe, right? Wrong. I steadied the phone on my ear, and for once I was so lucky that you couldn’t see how a void had tore between my irises. Exhaling a soft sigh, I replied:

“But it’s my heart. You don’t have the right to tell me what I can and what I cannot feel. If I decided to love you, it’ll be my biggest responsibility.”

Then, you chuckled and stayed silent, we kept it that way till I ended the call. But even then, I still didn’t know if what I said came out of a place of fear, or honesty.

In truth, I was scared too.

I was consumed by the little infinity I made for how many years, I am never good at anything but when it comes to you, I can’t even think of quitting. I don’t know how many times I told myself to stop hoping and holding on for nothing. God knows I tried. But it seems like every attempt, trying is all I could ever do.

Honestly, we never have anything to begin with, it’s just that I put so much attention on every things you did to me, I knew just now those were the things you normally do to boys around you, I just made a big deal out of those. Everything doesn’t matter when it comes to you. I’ve seen you in black and white. I’ve loved all the bad and good things about you. I kissed all the worries away for you to know that I won’t leave. Hate me for saying this again, I always picture my life living with you, you’re the person I wanted to build my future with. Silently, I’ve been wishing that one day you’ll be able to set your eyes on me, alone.

But it ended before it began. You don’t have any idea how your smile can lift me up and break me into pieces at the same time for I know, it wasn’t for me, and it will never be. I can’t have you, it is easy to say these than to just accept everything. But all I can do is to just face the fact that you can’t have forever with me, simply because I am just your bestfriend.

Somehow, I feel relieved. You don’t have to worry, I will be able to make it one day. I’m sorry if I can’t let go of you for now, if you still own me, if I still can’t look infront because I’m still hoping for that impossible thing to happen.

Believe me, I tried. I tried to be good at anything but I guess removing you out of my system isn’t part of it.

'I will look for you Mia, anywhere in the world. I'll just look for you, and bring you back to me. I can find you, I promise that.'

?MahikaNiAyana