Numinous

Six

“I met someone."

Benj hopped up on the counter of the nursing station, his legs crossed. He held a coffee cup in hand, taking a sip from it. He'd gotten it from the breakroom, so it wasn't great, but he was addicted to his plain black coffee, so he didn’t mind. Caffeine fueled him. Kept him wired. Up until last night, coffee had been his greatest love affair. Somehow that wasn’t embarrassing.

Besides, the ten-minute walk to the breakroom and back was a much needed break after dealing with so many people for several hours earlier. Sometimes he really hated the days he had to work and go to school. He had wanted to take all online courses so he could leave his house even less than he already did and become the hermit he was destined to, but his best friend Jessica had forbidden it. She told him he would never meet the love of his life like that, and although he knew that was dumb, he did as she wanted him to because he had no backbone when it came to their friendship.

It was about that time in his shift when he had administered all the meds for the time being and he was just waiting for his pager to go off if anyone needed him. It was a pretty easy gig, working overnight, besides having to go straight to class afterwards. He longed for the weekend when he had two days off of work and school and he could sleep in and daydream.

Jessica looked up from her computer lazily, giving him a doubtful look. Her brown hair was up in a bun, her face free of its usual glamorous makeup. She had a pair of glasses sliding off of the bridge of her nose that she only ever wore at work or school. Benj knew she hated not having a full face of makeup on, but it was refreshing seeing her this way. She didn’t seem so perfect when she was dressed in scrubs. It was easier to talk to her when she wasn’t trying to act like she had no flaws.

It was rare he told her about his love life. Mostly because he didn't have much of one. The six years she'd known him, he'd only been with two people; both affairs ending terribly. Benj was good at a multitude of things, but relationships weren’t one of them.

"Benj, are you serious or joking? Because I have a lot of logging to do, at least ten patients BM'd tonight and,"

"I'm serious, turn off the computer, stop talking about poop, and give me your full undivided attention, please?" She turned to face him fully, smiling. She liked it when he asked for her full undivided attention. Made her feel special. "Okay, so, who is it?" He grinned at her like a little boy.

"Her names Avery, she's beautiful and funny and kind and gorgeous and beautiful,"

"I'm going to kill myself if this is how you're going to be all night." She chimed in lovingly. "How'd you meet her?" She asked curiously.

"I met her at a diner." He wouldn't say which diner, or that he met her six months ago and had just now asked her out. He just wanted to relish in the fact that for once in his life, things were actually kind of going his way. The person he liked seemed to like him back, and that was at least worth some acknowledgement.

"We met up at the bar. The one that I like that you hate when she got off work," he told her. "God, that place is so gross," she chortled. "And we just talked about random things, but it felt so...nice? The conversation was deep and meaningful. It was nice, being with her like that, and I felt calm, like nothing mattered but her and I,"

"Yuck," Jessica pretended to be gagging. She hated the way he talked about her already. He was going to get his heart broken again. But, she knew how to be supportive. At least to get the information she needed to snoop and come to her own assessment.

"I'm being real, she's everything I want. I'm seeing her again next week. I'm nervous, and I'm excited and I'm conflicted." Jessica leaned forward and put her elbow on the table, holding up a finger.

"One; you're nervous because you like her, that's a good thing. Two; I'm really glad you like her and I'm happy it's going well. Three; what's there to be conflicted about?"

"I'm just so into her already, I don't want it to end badly." Jessica looked at her friend with sad eyes. He'd been hurt before; he didn't want to be hurt again. She wondered how he even got back out there when he'd sworn off trying. "Stop thinking about the end when it's barely even begun, Benj." He sighed and nodded. "I know, I know, I just worry about everything." She nodded along with him. "That's why you need me. To be a buffer between you and your worries." Benj smiled, and then took a sip of his coffee.

"So, what's up with you?" He asked her. She sighed. "Well, my love life isn't nearly as perfect as yours. In fact, it's nonexistent." Benj frowned. "What happened to Mark?" He asked, thinking of the last he heard of him. It couldn't have been more than a few weeks ago, and Jessica had been nothing but enthralled with the man. He watched as she flushed and began fussing with her floral scrub top. "He was an asshole." Jessica didn't seem to want to talk about him, or her love life, for that matter. Benj felt bad, bringing it up.

He often forgot that when he was happy, it didn't mean everyone else was, too.

"You'll find someone better," he told her. She shook her head, and smiled up at him, but it didn't reach her eyes. "I know I will." She said sadly. "I just want to find someone better now." Benj knew how terrifying it was to think you were going to die alone with no one to hold you. He thought about it every night and it made him crazy.

"Life is long for a reason, Jess. If we were meant to do it all within the first twenty odd years, wouldn't you think it'd be a little shorter?" He didn't think he was helping much. "So I'm just supposed to sit here and be miserable for over half my life, for what? To maybe find happiness someday with someone I don't even know yet?"

"It’s not about the destination, it's about the journey, Jess." She rolled her eyes and flicked her computer back on. "I guess I'll have to adjust my journey then, huh?"

"Jess, you're doing fine. Just be patient, it'll happen. I mean, who knows if I've even found anything? Sure, I like her, but I don't know what's going on in her head, I don't know if it will last, I'm only hoping it does."

"Least you have something to hope for," she sighed glumly.

"I didn't mean to upset you," Benj said quietly, watching as she began clicking away, her eyebrows furrowed. She sighed again, heavily this time. "I'm not upset with you; I'm just upset in general. At least when you find someone, you don't have to explain why there's a bulge in your pants,"

"Not true, technically there are plenty of situations where I would need to explain the bulge in my pants."

She shot him a look and he smiled softly. "Jess, that won't matter to the person you're meant to be with. They'll accept you for you, just like me and everyone else who loves you."

Jessica was transgender. He had never seen Jessica as the opposite s*x, though. For the duration of their friendship, he had only ever seen Jessica as a woman—as she was meant to be. She tried not to let it define her, but he knew that she was fighting wars within herself from the way she lashed out at times. There were plenty of times during their friendship where he questioned why he even remained friends with her.

The ups and downs they had had been mostly her fault and mostly due to the fact that she got jealous over anything and she was incredibly possessive, but Benj was codependent on her, so he called himself putting up with it in hopes that she would suddenly stop doing the things that made it hard to be her friend if he let her know she was being insufferable.

Benj had known Jessica for six years and knew the kind of crazy that drove her, but also knew the kind of loyalty that she gave. She was always there for him. She was always one phone call away. She had classes with him, she worked beside him, she had become like family to him. It had been a long time since he had gone without her in his life. On breaks in between classes and vacations they would travel together and go sightseeing and have fun together, and sometimes it was terrible for Benj because he was such an introvert, but Jessica never left him behind. She always included him and it made him feel good to have that. It made him feel normal. Despite her flaws. Despite their fractured friendship that was more one sided than anything.

Where there was usually compassion and understanding, she would become possessive and controlling. Where there was usually support and equal give and take, she would become vindictive and greedy. Benj had never really had a friend so close to him before, so he didn’t know how to address it. Everybody has a bad side, right? He always tried his best to understand her actions, and he mostly came out unscathed.

But it made him sad that not everyone understood Jessica. Not everyone wanted to understand. She had to face the cumbersome task of dating and being transgender in a predominantly cisgender world. He had no idea what that was like, but watching her struggle with finding a partner and having to come out to them in hopes that it wouldn’t change how they viewed her made him understand why she was so angry. Why was she so focused on her looks? Why was she so possessive?

She was used to people leaving. To people being repulsed by her. To people not understanding her. Some responded with anger, and feelings of betrayal when she told them about her transition. Or if she told them right away, they turned and went the other way, and it was frustrating for Jessica, and frustrating to witness. Jessica was careful who she got involved with for purposes that made Benj sick. He knew why she was the way that she was. She didn’t want to be hurt again. She didn’t want to trust the wrong person, or let her guard down for too long.

She didn't want to get beat again.

"Wish I could chop it off." She sighed. Benj frowned at her. "Well, you know why you can't just yet. And, anyways, I think you should love every part of yourself, Jess. It made you who you are." She rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, my p***s really defines my womanhood." Sarcasm oozed from her words, and Benj was glad, for a moment, he understood her, otherwise he probably would have been concerned.

Benj felt his pager go off in his pocket and hopped off of the counter, straightening his scrubs. "I'm not going to even touch that one," he sighed, amused at Jessica's funky mood. She went through phases of loving and hating what was in her pants. He felt like he was watching a volleyball match, with her feelings bouncing back and forth so often, but he did his best to be supportive, even if he ended up saying the wrong things sometimes. She had done a lot worse to him, and he would remind her of it.

"I love you." He told her, pulling his pager out to glance down at the room number. "Come over after class? We can talk more about this." He made a gesture, holding his thumb and forefinger to his lips as if he were smoking something. She nodded with a small smile on her lips. "Sure, love you, too." He turned and began to make his way to room two-hundred forty-seven, to see if Mrs. Fredrickson wanted her pain meds or a glass of water.

***

"So you think that a v****a is what defines a woman?" Benj asked, his eyes on the ceiling fan above him, blunt in his hand as he brought it back down to his lips, taking a slow drag, shutting his eyes as the smoke traveled to his lungs, where he held it in for as long as they would allow, blowing it out, watching it ascend to the ceiling, batted away by the wooden blades of the fan.

He took a deep breath and felt his body shifting into relaxation. He was always so high strung all day long from being in public, and dealing with people and patients, and from trying to maintain healthy friendships that he forgot all of the tension building up inside of his body until he came home and began to smoke. His entire persona changed, and he became happier, more insightful somehow.

He loved a lot of things, but his love for weed was almost ungodly. If he ever felt unmotivated or uncreative, all he had to do was get super baked and it was fixed for him. Of course, what he did during his smoke sessions was anything but productive activity. Especially with Jessica around because she was secretly the devil on his shoulder.

"Duh. That's what makes a woman a woman and a man a man, right? That’s the main f*****g difference, Benj. What else would it be?" Jessica answered, annoyed he even still cared about their discussion from earlier at work. She appreciated the effort, but he didn't even know what it was like for her. He never would. She took the blunt he handed out to her sourly.

Benj was sprawled out on the floor of his living room, a throw pillow underneath his head, and Jessica sat beside him, legs crossed. All around them were abandoned books, assignments, and notepads. They were meant to be studying, but got a little distracted when Benj began rolling the blunt she now held in between her manicured fingers.

Now they were fully procrastinating together.

"Biologically, yes, males and females are opposite counterparts and it’s all very simple. But we aren't talking about that over simplified bullshit. Do you know how much you have to offer this world as a woman that's not just your genitalia and what springs from it? Women are f*****g badasses, Jess, I mean Beyoncé, Michelle Obama, Serena Williams, Valentina Tereshkova, Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Warren, Nancy Pelosi, Kamala Harris, just to name a few amazing women who got s**t done without the concern for what's inside of their pants. Being a woman has nothing to do with baring children or having a v****a, and everything to do with how you feel inside and how you want to present yourself to this world. Your p***s makes you no less of a woman, and I know how much you hate it and how uncomfortable it makes you, and I understand and I sympathize, but at some point you have got to tell yourself it is okay to be who you are now. That it’s okay to love yourself, even if you aren't perfect, even by your own standards. You're a work in progress; a beautiful one at that. Stop being mean to my best friend."

Jessica smiled down at him gratefully, tears clouding her vision. She had forgotten what a feminist Benj was. She loved him for his love of women, even if he had been screwed over by a few of them. "You're right. God—I know you're right. It's just so hard sometimes. People act like I'm...nothing. Like what I feel inside is less than it is. Like I'm foolish and stupid for even thinking I could pass as a girl, when that’s not what it’s about. I don’t want to trick anyone or make them fall for anything, I just want to be f*****g happy being who I am on the outside." She let her tears fall, wiping at them absently. Benj sat up and pulled his friend into a hug.

"I'm so sorry. I know, it hurts me whenever I hear their nonsense, too. You aren't here to make yourself look passible for everyone, you're just here to live your life, and it's disgusting that you can't walk down the street without some asshole telling you what to do with your own body. Wish I could beat them all up." Jessica laughed and pulled away from him.

"You need muscles to do that, though." Benj only took the blunt from her hand and put it to his lips. "I'm really glad I have you in my life. To remind me who I am." Jessica told him earnestly, taking his hand in hers. Sometimes she wondered why he wasn’t with her. It was confusing to her that they fit together like this, but he had never made a single move, or responded to any of her attempts.

It hurt her to think he noticed how she looked at him and just simply ignored it, and it also hurt to think he wasn’t looking at her in that kind of light, so he had never noticed her flirting or her silly little attempts to make their friendship more than that.

"And who, exactly, is that?" He asked her, eyebrow raised, head c****d to the side. Jessica thought he looked so handsome in this lighting, his dark blonde curls glowing in the sun, his hazel colored eyes bright, sharp features outlined in pure golden sunlight.

"That b***h!" He laughed and nodded in agreement. "You got that right. You're That b***h. You get s**t done, you feed off of positive vibes only, and you're going to lead millions one day!" He tried hyping her up as much as he could, because he knew it was what he would want if he were in her same boat. He wished he could make the journey to self-love for Jessica a little easier, but he knew that was something that began and ended with her.

"Can I hire you to be my official hype man? You could follow me around, hyping up everything I do." Benj laughed. "I already do that for free." He reminded her.

"Yeah, but you can't brag about it if you're not dropping money on it." Benj sighed, amused. “I truly meant what I said, Jessy. You are going to find someone someday who is going to see you exactly for who you are.” He reassured his friend. Jessica didn’t want to be on the topic of her love life anymore, mostly because she wished he would wake up and see that it was her that he needed all along, so she tried to change the topic to something else.

"So, do you think that date of yours is going to lead to you potentially getting laid this year?" Jessica asked. Benj howled out laughter at her propitious question. Benj didn’t get a lot of action, and when he did, he of course told Jessica about it the first chance he got. It wasn’t like he couldn’t get laid if he wanted to, because he knew that he could.

But s*x was something that he felt should be performed with someone he cared for. He had never gotten the appeal of hook-up culture and one night stands. He was a love making kind of guy. A stare into your eyes kind of guy. He liked the slow burn of lusting after someone, of containing his excitement and his eagerness and learning all there was to know about them. Somehow that made it better. When he realized that the person he was about to lay with had gone through things, and had experiences in life that made them who they were, that brought them to him, that pushed them together so completely, he could suddenly communicate with his body. Like he was trying to chase all the bad away with pleasure, with love and tenderness.

He wanted to get to know Avery. He wanted to see what made her the way that she was. Cautious and jumpy, sweet and kind, feisty and haut. He never realized so many emotions could exist pent up inside of anybody except himself. But he saw some of himself in her, and he wanted to know why. He didn’t think either of them would be up for getting laid this early on, and somehow that made him want to pursue her more. He didn’t want to feel pressured, and he doubt Avery would be pressuring him for s*x.

"I have no clue, Jess. I don't...I don't think she's that type of girl, and I'm definitely not that type of guy."

"Yeah, I know the type of guy you are. So wound tight that anything could break you. I think getting laid would do you some good. Maybe that's why you romanticize everything. You're horny." She told him. She knew him better than he knew himself. She bet that if he just let go and let himself enjoy things, he would be less anal about things like this.

Benj didn't want to think about why he romanticized everything. He didn't think that was an issue most of the time. He also didn't want to pawn off his s****l needs on an innocent woman he had just recently met and was very into.

Jess was good with all sorts of things, but relationship and life advice were not one of those things.

"Think you're confusing horny for lonely." He told her, taking the final puff from the blunt before putting it out in the ashtray near him on the floor.

"They go hand in hand for me." She said offhandedly. Benj was wired differently than most, though. It took him a lot to be sexually attracted to someone, and even then it took him a lot to be confident enough to act on his attraction. What if he couldn't perform for Avery if she asked him to? What if she wanted to move faster than he did? What if he liked her a lot and she didn't like him at all?

"I hope I'm not playing this all up in my head and making it into something it isn't. I really f*****g hope that my mind isn't playing tricks on me and that she at least likes me enough to go out again."

"Benj, she would be stupid not to want to see you again. You're a catch." He smiled at her. "Thank you. But what if I already screwed it up by saying something stupid?"

"Well, do you think you said anything stupid?" She asked him. He nodded immediately. "Oh, yeah, every other sentence out of my mouth was like verbal diarrhea. I had a lot of regrets by the end of the night." Jessica laughed at him and then smacked his shoulder playfully.

"That's just your nerves talking. If you're really not sure, just ask her. I'm sure she's had multiple people ask about how a date went before." The thought of that made Benj want to stick his head in the sand, and by the way his face was scrunched up, Jessica could tell. "Or don't, you know? Hope for the best?"

Benj sat up then.

"We've got to actually study this time, Jess. I'm so behind right now." She sighed and picked up her text book, dropping it in her lap.

"Fine, pen me." She said, holding out her hand. Benj picked up her pen and pressed it into her palm, a grin on his face.

"Let's get down to business,"