Numinous

Five

"You want to go? That's fine, let me walk you home, it's the least I could do after getting you wasted." She heard his words, but had a hard time figuring out what they meant. She watched him call over the server, who went to get the bill. Benj slid her money back over to her on the table.

"I asked you out tonight, I'll pay for all six of your drinks." He said it with humor, but Avery was too far gone to care what tone he used. She sat opposite him, eyes unfocused, arms wound around herself as she stared at a distant spot on the table. He could tell she was uncomfortable, and wanted to get her home so she could soothe herself. He knew exactly what that was like, and it was painful sitting across from someone that was practically a stranger and having the urge to reach out and take them into his arms and never let go, but he clenched his fists under the table because the urge was almost too strong to fight off.

When the bill was all paid, he stood, holding out his hand for Avery, but she refused to take it. She stood by herself, and Benj picked up the money from the table, slipping it into her purse for her and slowly guiding her with a gentle hand on her upper back, just below her shoulder blades, out of the bar, Avery stumbling the entire way.

As soon as they were outside, she leaned against the building, face held upward to the sky as she breathed heavily, hands on her knees. The neck of her t-shirt had sagged down, her shoulder bare, and her collarbone, slick with sweat, was lit up in the light of the sign, red splashing against her dark features, accentuating her beauty.

There was a thin sheen of sweat on her skin as she reached up to push her hair back out of her face. Benj took a careful step toward her, but she ended up puking on the ground, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand as she finished, gasping.

"Avery? You alright?" He asked her. He didn't want to get too close.

"S'fine," she slurred. She stood up straight and began to cross the street. Benj's eyes widened. He pulled her back onto the sidewalk in panic as a car passed the two of them.

"Let's go to the crosswalk, and cross there, yeah?" He redirected her, letting her go, remembering how she reacted when he tried to hold her hand in the bar. She nodded distractedly. "O-okay."

They began walking together. Benj worried about the woman beside him, who needed constant supervision while intoxicated because she had two left feet, always stumbling or tripping. Something told him she didn’t do this often. The drinking and going out with random guys who asked her out at the diner. It was hard to judge her for it when she seemed so troubled and reserved. He had no idea what led her to act so recklessly, but he was thankful he was here to get her home safely.

He finally settled for pressing his hand gently into her back, guiding her down the street. It didn't seem to bother her in the bar. "Where to next?" He asked once they'd crossed the street. She pointed him in the right direction.

It was a short walk to her apartment building that was just across the street from the diner she worked at. He walked with her until they got to a stoop, which she stopped at, the door rusted with red paint chipping off of it. She reached in her purse for her keys, dropping them onto the stairs. Benj reached down to pick them up and handed them back to her, eyes meeting hers as he did.

Her eyes were so captivating, it was like he was stuck for a moment, daydreaming about knowing her, like knowing, knowing her. "Can I see you again?" He asked her without thinking. She snorted and looked away. He felt the hurt settle into his chest like a boulder. He thought they had such a nice time, besides the end of the night. Maybe he just wanted there to be a connection so bad that he was imagining things. He was known to do that. But he couldn’t help the feeling he got when he was around her. He was drawn to her, and he felt like perhaps he was meant to find her. Was that weird? To feel like you should know someone? To feel like maybe you already do?

"I used you to get wasted, Benj. You're a nice guy a-and all, but you just want to f**k me, and I don't want to f**k you, so where does that leave us?" She asked him, turning around to fully face him. He was shocked. He thought she was going to tell him he was boring and that he was ugly and that he was friend material and not boyfriend material—because all of that stuff had happened to him before. But, instead he got deflected and accused of trying to charm her panties off?

He wasn’t a sexually driven person—this was the very first time he’d been accused of this. Should he be flattered or offended by it? Why was Avery so guarded and paranoid? Why did her response only make him want to know more about her? About why she thought he was trying to sleep with her? Benj was bad at social queues, but this made him think Avery was somehow worse.

"Avery, I'm not that kind of guy," he defended. Of all the things that crossed his mind when thinking of her, s*x was the only fantasy he had yet to have. Of course he was physically attracted to her, but he didn’t do hook-ups very well. He was always the one wanting more than that. Wanting to keep the moment going forever so he didn’t have to feel so dirty for lowering his standards for women he knew didn’t want to stay in his bed for a lifetime. He used to think crying after s*x was normal until he decided to abstain from meaningless hook ups. It seemed to give him the insight that he needed to understand himself. Now he knows it was because as much as he enjoyed himself, he couldn’t fully be present unless he felt a connection to his partner. He had stopped giving pieces of himself away to strangers and felt like he had cleansed his soul.

The only thing he wanted was her company, but he didn’t know if he even had the right to ask for that. She wasn’t obligated to see him in any way, no matter how he felt about her. "The kind of guy to get a girl drunk and then walk her home with every intention of coming inside? Who put you up to this, Allen?" He frowned. "What are you talking about? No one put me up to anything, Avery," she laughed. "Bullshit. How much are you paying him?" She asked, looking around suddenly, pulling her arms tighter around herself as she backed up.

"You have it all wrong, Avery. I'm here because I want to get to know you. I don't know who Allen is, and I'm not paying anyone any amount of money to be here with you, truly. I just like you, and would like to see you again, maybe for dinner next week?"

She was fumbling with her keys, trying to believe him but struggling to see what he wanted from her. She was a mess, a complete f*****g mess, and a w***e as well, and yet, he wanted to see her for dinner next week? This sort of stuff didn’t happen to her. Guys didn’t want to see her for dinner. Guys didn’t want to talk to her for hours and walk her home to make sure she got there safely. Guys just took what they wanted from her and left her broken. They terrorized her and featured in her nightmares.

"You aren't going to hurt me?" She asked him, apprehensively, knowing he could lie to her and she’d still believe it because she wanted it to be true. So very badly. She wanted someone to listen to her. She wanted someone to value her. She needed it.

He shook his head.

"Of course not. Avery, what type of guys do you normally go out with?" he asked, concerned and confused. This was by far the strangest first date he had ever been on. She shook her head, fumbling with the keys, still. Benj had been trying to be polite, but she was clearly too drunk to figure out how to open her door, much less unlock it. The jiggling of the metal had been grating on his nerves and it was like a wire snapped. "Do you need help with those keys? I've been watching you struggle for a few minutes now," she couldn't help herself, she laughed.

"I don't remember which one it is." She confessed. He held his hand out and she dropped the keys into his hand, watching as he came to stand beside her on the stoop, trying each of the five keys on the door, the last one opening it for her. It was strange. He stood so close, and she didn't feel so scared of him. His presence was a calm one. She smelled his lavender scented laundry soap from where she stood, just beside him. She also got a faint smell of sandalwood and something else she couldn’t pinpoint. It was an earthy smell, familiar but faint to her. She suddenly felt a sadness she didn’t understand. She didn’t want to go inside. She didn’t want him to go.

It was the alcohol.

It had to be the alcohol. 

It had to be.

It was the only explanation for the way her heart sped up when he took the keys and pressed them back into her hand, a warm smile on his face. His eyes were bright, even in the moonlight. She was seeing two of him, but when she closed one eye, he merged back into just one of him, and he was glorious.

"So, was that a yes to dinner?" He asked her again. She smiled. "I don't know; it depends on if I remember this conversation or not." She was still apprehensive, however charmed she was by him. She didn’t trust her own judgement to let herself be taken by him. She had a thing for blindly putting her life in the hands of white men who were nice to her. He fit that description spot on.

"Please remember this conversation, I'd really like to see you again. Sober." She shook her head, trying to dispel whatever spell he had cast on her to make her feel this way. "I might arrive sober, but I make no promises."

She went to enter the apartment, turning to meet Benj face to face once more. "For what it's worth, tonight didn't suck...as much as I thought it would." She told him before stepping into the apartment. He backed down to the last step, "It didn't suck for me, either. Not even a little bit."

She smiled before shutting the door, relief flooding through her as she realized she didn't have to sleep with him, and he wasn't going to make her, and that he was polite and she had a good night, for once in her life. She bit her lip and closed her eyes, clasping her hands together, trying to figure out these emotions, but she was overwhelmed by them. She reached up and locked the door for emphasis, tears flooding her eyes as she stumbled over to the mattress on the floor, practically falling down onto it, kicking off her boots, pulling her shirt up over her head, curling up underneath the thin blanket, grabbing her teddy and sobbed uncontrollably.