Numinous

Nine

Even though it was well after midnight, the air that surrounded Avery and Benj remained warm, only a slight breeze every now and again to break up the comfort they both felt like a blanket wrapped around their shoulders.

"I love the weather when it's like this." Avery said once they had crossed an empty intersection. She also liked when the streets were empty. She enjoyed the deserted look. The eerie feeling of stillness made her heart beat calmer inside her chest. She was used to so much chaos that it felt surreal to be able to take a moment to appreciate the breeze that caressed her body like a whisper and realize how amazing life could feel at any given moment.

She was used to life being nonstop awfulness and reveling in the tiny bursts of okay-ness that would bless her with their presence every so often. But this felt like more than just okay. It felt good.

Benj's stride matched hers as they ambled down the sidewalk, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his windbreaker. He smiled as she said this, his heart beginning to pick up.

"Me too. The night feels less lonely when it's warm out. It's a nice feeling to be sharing it with you." Avery flushed and felt a shiver run through her. She couldn't blame it on the breeze, so she tried shrugging it off.

Perhaps it had been the drinks from earlier, or perhaps it was the fact that she had the best time tonight and it was all thanks to one man; Benj.

She had never met anyone like him. He was so polite and proper, but also so fun and quirky. She liked how goofy he was; how he laughed at things that weren't even funny—like when Avery had told him she had never been to an arcade. He didn't take life seriously and Avery thought she could stand to learn how to do that.

"I...um...I really enjoyed myself tonight." She confessed to him, sounding embarrassed. Benj felt his mouth trying to form a grin and bit his cheeks to try and stop it from inflating his ego. He couldn't stop it, though. He felt like he had died and gone to heaven when she said it.

"Same. I think we should do this again sometime. Not...like, you know, this specific thing, but like...other things. U-unless you want too—then we can do it whenever you want to. And by 'it' I mean—"

"I know what you mean, Benj." Avery said behind her laughter as he stumbled on his words and worked himself into a nervous wreck. She found it utterly adorable in her half-drunken state.

"I would love to go out on another date with you." She added and that seemed to put his mind at ease. "I'm so happy you said that. I feel connected to you somehow and I...well I like you a lot...probably more than you like me, if you like me at all."

"Of course I like you, dork. I feel the same way. I'm glad I met you. Since you asked me out for drinks, my life has felt brighter...kind of like I have a reason to get up in the morning for the first time in my life." Avery told him, a genuine gratefulness in her voice that Benj felt himself fixating on, staring into her opalescent brown eyes, breath caught in his throat, because hearing her say that his presence in any way improved her life took his breath away.

She was just so mystical to him. He was taken by the way he could read her facial expressions. He always struggled to read emotion—but it felt natural with Avery here with him like this. Was it normal for him to feel this strongly toward a woman he had gone on one and a half dates with? Or had he decidedly gone crazy?

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She asked him shyly, getting worried that she had said something wrong. Benj flushed and looked down at the sidewalk instead.

"I'm sorry. I just...you're literally so perfect, I'm a little in shock that you're real and here with me. This is one of the best dates I've been on." Avery didn't want to believe him for more reasons than one, but she did. He was just so genuine and sincere all the time. She hoped he wasn't lying to her. She didn't know where all of this hope came from, either. "I'm not perfect. I'm far from it, Benj. I've lived an entire life; I haven't always been the good guy in the story." Benj shook his head in doubt.

"I'm not saying you're a perfect individual who has done nothing wrong, but I'm saying you seem perfect for me...kind of like I've known you my whole life, which is crazy, but that's how it feels." Avery didn't want to be up on such a high pedestal. It was a lot of pressure and she was bound to disappoint him sooner or later.

"Oh, Benj," she sighed in response. They had arrived back at her apartment and she began to feel panicked as she realized this was where they parted ways. She liked spending her time with him. He was just so interesting, and their conversations made her forget about everything else, even just for a little while. She had never met anyone like that. Anyone who was interested in her for more than her body. It made her feel sad and disgusted by the men she knew. She felt disgusted by herself as well.

Benj was such a pure man; when he found out about her he wouldn't want her anymore. She just knew that to be true. The sad thing about life was that everything in it ended—everything—and soon this would too. She stole a look at him and then looked away quickly when she realized his eyes never left her. He was intense.

"I'm not perfect, no matter how you spin it...although I enjoy every second I spend with you. You're going to realize very soon how imperfect I can be." She hated the way her voice shook when she said that. She shouldn't be so sad, but she was. She felt like this was goodbye even though he had expressed endless interest in her the entire time she had known him.

She was so insecure. Was that really a trait someone perfect would possess? Avery didn't feel like it was. She felt like she had somehow fooled him. Like he was seeing her through rose colored glasses that she had gifted to him herself.

"Are you upset with me? Please don't be upset, Avery, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just seem to have absolutely no filter around you. I must seem like an animal, and I apologize for that,"

Avery couldn't help the laugh that escaped her lips. Benj had stopped mid-sentence and for that she was thankful. "You are not an animal, Benj, stop it. I'm not upset with you, don't worry about a silly little thing like that. I just...I'm overthinking things and getting ahead of myself. I'm worried about how long I'll get you before you're gone again."

She felt his hand in hers as he pulled her to a stop on the sidewalk, her front door just a few feet away. She turned to face him as he closed the gap between them, standing only inches from her. Her heart was working overtime to keep her standing upright. She could smell his cologne from where she was, the top of her head level with his jaw; his lips looked soft from her vantage point, and his warmth was radiating from him and heating her up. She had never desired anyone before, but she desired him at this moment.

"Hey, I'm right here if you want me. I'll stay as long as you want me to and I'll leave when you tell me to." He told her, holding her gaze steadily. She noticed their hands were still connected, fingers intertwined, as a smile graced her lips.

Benj's eyes flicked to her lips, and then back up to her eyes, and she felt herself growing faint. Benj didn't want to come on too strong, but the urge to press his lips to hers was too much for him. He leaned down, but in an instant Avery had slipped from his grasp and stood a foot away from him, a terrified expression on her face.

He felt guilt take over his body.

"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. That wasn't...I didn't mean to scare you." He said, even though his brain was screaming for him to shut the hell up. She seemed unaware of the way that she had reacted and straightened up, ringing her hands out in front of her in embarrassment.

"No, it wasn't you. It's not your fault, Benj. I...I just...I'm weird, and I'm sorry." She was embarrassed by what had happened. She knew he was going to kiss her, and she had wanted it. But her body had other ideas, ones she hadn't anticipated. She wasn't afraid of him because she had no reason to be afraid of him, but she still threw up her defenses every time she thought things were getting too chummy.

What was that?

"You aren't weird, Avery, I don't think you're weird. I'm so sorry for misreading things, I just lost my manners for a second. Forgive me?"

She nodded. "Of course, I forgive you. You forgive me, too?" He nodded as well, giving her a tight smile. "Yes. You did absolutely nothing wrong, but yes, you are forgiven."

He didn't like the way she took the blame for his mistake. It made him sad to think that she was forced to believe that she was the problem in her past. Benj made a promise from there on out that he would make sure not to make her feel like that ever again.

He didn't want her to be terrified of him and of his touch. He wanted to make her comfortable in the best way possible. He wanted her to forget about ever feeling like she was supposed to feel bad for something she didn't do.

"May I escort you to your door?" He finally asked her. She nodded, smiling at him and stepping forward. Benj fell into step beside her once more as they made their way to her porch.

"I'm sorry again for...you know...trying to kiss you." Avery laughed. "It’s okay, Benj, really. I'm flattered by it. To be completely honest with you, I have issues. And they aren't pretty issues."

She didn't want to tell him about where those issues came from, but she was hoping he understood it. He had yet to disappoint her. "We all have issues. I completely understand. I hated being touched by anyone until I was about twelve years old. If you need a little time, all you have to do is ask for it."

"Why did you hate being touched?" She asked him as she reached her stoop, one foot on the first cement stair, one hand on the railing. "I used to be really sensitive to it. I can't explain it well, but it felt like pins and needles were being stuck into my skin every time someone would even brush by me. When I was little I used to scream and cry to be put down, and I hated hugs and physical affection. With my medication it's a lot better, though. When I turned twelve I was finally old enough to take medication for it and it calmed me. Now I'm only really sensitive to the cold."

"I hate being touched, too." She whispered. "But I don't mind when you touch me. It feels nice. You're nice." Benj took her hand in his. "Does this feel nice?" He questioned. She nodded, smirking and looking down at their hands.

"Well then, we'll stick to hand-holding for now." He told her, bringing her hand up to his lips and pressing a kiss into the back of it adoringly. Avery's knees almost gave out.

"S-sounds good." She responded, digging her keys out of her bag. "Do you need help with the keys tonight, or are you sober enough to manage it on your own?" She giggled at the memory of last time and shook her head. "I'm good, I think." She said, reaching for the door and unlocking it.

"Have a wonderful night, Avery. Sleep tight." She turned back to him with a warm smile on her lovely face and Benj's heart stuttered in his chest.

"You too, Benj. Stay safe, okay?"

"Will do." 

***

"I almost kissed her last night." Benj sighed, chin in the palm of his hand as he daydreamed about doing just that, holding her in his arms and pressing his lips to hers. They just looked so plump and warm and inviting. Everything about Avery was warm and inviting.

"Who?" Jessica asked from beside him. They had just gotten off class and settled down in a cafe on campus to study. Benj didn't like studying in the cafe on account of all the people around them that they didn't know, but Jessica knew a lot of people and liked to meet new friends.

He wished he was like that, but he hated interactions with most of his peers. He wasn't hip to being sociable and extroverted all the time. He had to work his way up to it, and even then it all felt like a lie.

"Avery. You know who." He answered, taking a look at his best friend. She had begun to pull her notebook from her bag, a pencil case already on the table in front of her. He sighed and sat up straight, reaching into his bag and pulling out his things as well. 

He wasn't in the studying mood; he just wanted to sit and think about Avery. Wonder what she was doing every second of the day. "You almost kissed her? What does that mean?" Jessica asked in a bored tone. Benj knew she probably didn't care, but he had no one else to tell this stuff to.

"Well, I thought we were having a moment, but it turns out I was imagining things. But it's okay because she still likes me. I think." Jessica looked over at her friend and sighed. "She didn't let you kiss her? What, did she flinch or something?"

"No, it was more of a jump backwards..."

"And you still think she likes you?" Jessica questioned him, trying to gain some insight. It didn't seem like this girl was giving off very strong vibes. Seemed like she wanted nothing to do with him. "Yes. It's...complicated. I think she's a little bit more like me than you, you know what I mean?" One look at his friend told him she had no idea what he meant, and he groaned in impatience. Jessica never knew what he meant. It was almost like she never even tried to understand him. But he was always going out of his way to try and understand her.

And here he was, divulging all of his deepest thoughts to her like it would somehow change things. This only made him miss Avery more, because she seemed to always understand him, even when he was saying nothing at all.

"She's sensitive like I am. You know how I get sometimes when my meds wear out...I don't like to be overstimulated, and I don't want to be touched in certain ways...she's like me. It’s refreshing, to be honest. I like how it's going, I like that for the first time I'm not the only one who wants to take things slowly."

"But you tried to kiss her," she countered. He shrugged. "I had an urge, and I tried it, and it didn't go over so well. I'm okay with that. I'm more than patient, Jess, you know me."

"And you haven't considered that perhaps she's only going out with you for the free booze, food, and your money?"

"Why does it always have to come to that, Jess? Why can't a woman ever be interested in me for more than my money? She's not like that, anyways. We went to Dave & Busters, for f**k's sake, give me some credit. I know what I'm doing. And even if I didn't, I am ready to be hurt again. I can't get her out of my head. I'm crazy about her and I barely know her, I'm enjoying this."

"You're right. You barely know her. You might want to be careful, and don't bring her to your place until you know she won't rob you."

"How would I know when she wouldn't rob me? Tell me how one would know that."

"I would. Let me meet her." Benj scoffed and then laughed. "No. I'm not kidding, Jessica, no." She frowned. "Why? Why can't I meet her?"

"Because you're mean, and she is the exact opposite of that. You'll make her cry. Or scare her off. I would very much like her to stay."

Jessica didn't like the way he talked about this girl. Just because he went on a few dates with her didn't mean he knew her intent. He was blind to all of the real dangers of letting another one of these gold diggers into his life.

She had saved him before, but if he kept this one from her for long enough, she didn't know if she could stop it before it got too far.

"I'll be nice, Benj. I'm always nice." Jessica tried to reassure her friend. He gave her a look. "No. I'm not talking about it anymore. For now, you can't meet her. Can we study? I promise I'll shut up about her."

"Don't make promises you can't keep." She told him before opening her book and setting her attention upon the lesson they just went over in class.

"Oh, before I forget, my friend is looking for live music to have at his club in a few weeks. I suggested you, and he looked you up and loved the idea. He's willing to pay eight-hundred for the night." Jessica was really good at networking. She was always finding him gigs. He turned most of them down on account of how anxious performing made him.

"Eight-hundred? For one night?"

"Ticket admissions always bring in a lot of cash, and he likes to give musicians a cut of all profits for the night, including drink sales and tips."

"So what are you saying, I'd be stupid not to take the opportunity?" Jessica nodded. "Yes. Plus, the crowd will be huge. Can you imagine how much your fan base will grow? It's a pretty good gig. If you say no, just remember I'm staking my own credibility on this." She had taken to guilt tripping him, and he was only surprised by the fact that it was working.

"I've never done anything like that before, Jess. I'm not...outgoing like that." Jessica knew that, but she liked to act like she didn’t. "But you are talented and I already told him you'd do it." He gave his friend an annoyed look but said nothing in response for a moment. He didn't know whether or not it was right to tell her she shouldn't have said he'd do it if she hadn't consulted him first.

She did so much to help him achieve his goal of putting his music out into the world, and he didn't want to seem ungrateful. He would be nowhere without her, and he knew that much to be true.

Benj had a hard time speaking to people, and Jessica had been his buffer between the outside world and himself for six years now. It seemed like he owed her this, no matter how much anxiety it gave him. “Fine, I’ll do it. But I want you to contact me next time before telling anyone else I’ll do something, okay?” Jessica rolled her eyes at her friend but nodded, glad he saw things from her way.

“I’ll let him know it’s a definite yes now.” Benj sighed but let her steer them in the direction of studying, trying his best to pay attention to his friend while simultaneously daydreaming about Avery. He went through phases of believing she was into him the way that he was into her, and thinking that that was all somehow a cruel joke on him and he was going to be shocked when the cameras finally came out to ruin his fantasy.

It was very unproductive the way he flip-flopped between feeling secure in his knowledge that Avery liked him as well, and feeling like he was a raging i***t and stupid to ever think that he could have a taste of the good life. Was that normal, or was this another thing he needed to be ashamed about?