Numinous

Ten

“Hey!”

Avery heard a voice chime behind her distantly. She turned just as Benj was coming around the corner. She had just now gotten off work and was on her way across the street to go home. It was an unexpected and honestly amazing surprise to see Benj ambling toward her with a grin on his face and a sparkle in his eye. She smiled and waved at him as she waited on the sidewalk for him to catch up to her. He had a white plastic take-out bag in hand, a delicious wafting in her direction and making her moth water.

“Glad I caught you. Just get off work?” He asked her. She nodded, looking back into the building where she knew Allen was watching from the dining area out of the big picture window. It made her extremely uncomfortable to think about her two worlds colliding. Benj seemed to sense the tension and frowned.

“Everything alright, Avery?” He asked, looking on with her into the building with raised eyebrows and curiosity eating away at him. Avery nodded her head. “Yeah, everything’s fine. What's in the bag?” She asked him. He smiled.

“I picked up some teriyaki. Figured if you had the time we could walk down to the park and people watch or something.” She smiled up at him. It made her heart happy to know that he thought about her even when she wasn’t around. She thought about him an unhealthy amount of times through-out her day, and it was really affirming to know that he thought about her the same amount.

“That’s really kind of you, Benj, you didn’t have to do that. I’m really just glad to see you.” Benj shook his head. “Nonsense. I would never show up empty handed.” She began to cross the street and he followed eagerly. “Let me go in and change, okay?” She told him as they reached her apartment. He nodded, finding it a bit odd that she still hadn’t invited him in, but he didn’t want to bring it up.

It had only been a few weeks since their first encounter, and although his head was full of thoughts about Avery, he had to try his best not to forget that he barely knew her no matter how badly he wished that he knew her better than he did. Every time he saw her he only wanted to see her again right after they parted ways.

Was that normal?

Avery entered her apartment after unlocking the door with shaking hands and shut the door, leaning against it with her forehead against the cold metal and took a few deep breaths to gather herself before she spontaneously combusted. Once she had caught her breath, she reached her shaky finger up to begin unbuttoning her dress and sloppily took it off, replacing it with an oversized sweater and a pair of jeans before slipping on her boots and taking her hair down from the ponytail it had been in all day, going over to the sink in the bathroom and running water through her hair. She looked in the mirror for a split second before realizing her mistake and shuddered, hating the fact that she looked so awful--So tired. So decrepit.

Who would want her when she looked like this? When she had scars and bruises and problems and baggage? When she had secrets and demons and monsters and pain. Nothing but overwhelming pain that filled her life so nothing else could. Pain that was so intense it never stopped. It just burned its way through her, to her core, and stayed there. It was hot and angry, it was large and brooding. It was everything and nothing.

She didn’t know why Benj was even here right now. She didn’t deserve his time and his effort and his kindness. She was ugly and useless and didn’t have anything to offer him, and yet he was still here wanting to spend time with her like she was the most interesting person in the world. How could someone so extraordinary be so interested in someone like her? She had absolutely nothing going for her and she hated herself for that, but he saw something in her that she didn’t see herself.

Perhaps it was all the years of Allen telling her she would never be good enough for anyone, but she found it fairly easy to mistrust Benj and his intentions. A man had never taken interest in her like this and it was frightening and exciting. She forced herself to grab her purse and leave her apartment, joining him on the stoop once again as he waited for her patiently.

She turned to lock her door and then faced him again. “Okay, I’m ready.” He smiled at her. “You look lovely,” He told her before holding his hand out for hers and stepping down onto the sidewalk. She couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face as she took his hand in hers and let him help her down the stairs before they began walking hand in hand in the direction of the nearest park.

“How was work?” She asked him before he could ask her. “It was fine. Kind of slow today, but after I got off I got to read to the kids upstairs in the cancer unit and felt better about how slow it was all day.” Avery looked up at him with affection in her gaze.

“…You read to cancer kids?” She asked him in disbelief. She didn’t know why, but the thought of him giving up his time to read to sick children made her want to jump out of her skin. This felt like the Twilight Zone. Benj nodded, giving Avery a strange look because he couldn’t read her emotions too well when she’d asked him. He didn’t know whether or not she cared, or whether or not she liked the fact that he volunteered. “Yeah, I like to volunteer in my spare time. It makes me feel good to be able to give back to them. I wish I could do it more often, but my schedule is really busy, so my only open day is Friday, and I look forward to it all week. I believe it’s the perfect way to start the weekend.”

It took a moment to process the fact that someone existed who was truly this selfless and good, but Avery liked that he volunteered. It made it a lot easier to tell herself she wasn’t a dumbass for being so taken by him. He was charming and thoughtful and polite and good. This could potentially help her get to sleep tonight. “That’s really sweet of you to do that. I would love to see that, actually. For some reason, I really want to be told a story from a children’s book, specifically read aloud by you.” For more reasons than one, Avery wished she could be a fly on the wall when he volunteered so that she could see just how well he did with children.

“They don’t get very many visitors. You could accompany me anytime you’d like to.” He told her earnestly. She smiled up at him. She wasn’t sure if she was the best person for the gig, though. She had never really been around children. Had never wanted to be around children. But Benj was such a good person that she wanted to see what the other side was like. She wanted to observe him in his natural habitat.

They had soon reached the park and Benj led them to an empty worn wooden picnic table near the water, where the waves crashed and licked at the shore. The waterfront was beautiful at this time of day, but Avery never came to sit here. It was peaceful. He sat and beckoned Avery to sit opposite him as he opened the bag and took out two white Styrofoam containers, one he pushed toward her, and one he kept for himself.

Avery opened hers and smiled down at the pile of teriyaki chicken and massive mounds of rice she was met with. She took the fork he held out to her and took a bite, moaning at how good it was. She didn’t get take-out too often. She usually ate scraps from the diner and went dumpster diving for them after hours, so it tasted worse. This food was like heaven, and it was still hot. Avery realized with embarrassment that Benj was watching her with a grin on his face. “Stop looking at me!” She whined, and he let out a laugh before starting on his own food. “Sorry, I just find you so adorable. Honestly, it’s a huge problem for me.”

“So, other than work and volunteering, how’s life been?” She asked him. She liked asking him questions. Benj was so open and talkative, it was refreshing. “Good, I guess. I’ve been stressed with midterms coming up soon but it’s kinda okay because I have a gig in a couple weeks, so I can focus all my energy into that for the time being.”

“A gig?” He nodded, shoveling rice into his mouth and waiting until he’s swallowed to continue. Avery watched his Adam's-apple bob up and down, biting her lip in thought. “Yeah, a friend of mine knows this guy who runs a nightclub. He wants live musicians to perform and she submitted my name. He liked the idea, so I’ll be performing in a few weeks I guess. Nervous as all hell, but I’m also kind of excited about it.”

Avery was impressed. She figured that when he said music was a hobby, he meant a hobby. Not that he performed his music in front of real crowds. “Are you going to be famous now?” She asked him. He laughed. “Oh, god, never. I’m anxiety ridden and that sounds like my worst nightmare.” Avery found herself laughing at that.

“Well, regardless, that’s really exciting news. I know you’ll nail it.” She assured him good-naturedly. Benj grinned at her. “You should come by the studio some time. So I can show you what I’ve been working on.” He suggested. Avery’s heart skipped a beat. “Sure,” She squeaked, hoping she didn’t sound too eager. She would do anything at this point if Benj was going to be there. “Speaking of music,” He reached under the table and into his pocket. He pulled out a rectangular device and another that was a lot smaller and less square shaped. He handed them over to Avery and she looked at them in awe.

“I didn’t know if you had earbuds or whatever, so I just dug up an old pair of AirPods I had laying around. He dug out two charging cords. “And those are the chargers.” Avery laughed. “This is so high tech. How the hell do these things work?” She asked him, holding up the container that held the earbuds. He smiled at her and took the time to show her how to use both the earbuds and the Zune. He had loaded all of his new favorites to it the night before and was too excited to wait until next weekend to see her and give it to her. The way her face lit up made it all worth it.

Once he had finished showing her how to use her gift and they had finished their food, Benj produced a joint from his pocket and Avery smiled. “The gift that never stops giving.” She noted aloud as he handed it to her to light, giving her a black lighter as well. He watched as she lit the joint, taking in the first hit and sighing, smiling at him and handing it over back to him, along with his lighter.

“I like you,” She told him after a while of them smoking in silence. It was nice, and Benj liked that they were the only ones at the park at the moment. It was peaceful looking out across the water, and Avery had even come to join him on his bench to look with him. He smiled, feeling himself flush up at that. “I—I like you too.” He told her. She looked over at him for a moment and sighed. “Why do you like to be called Benj?” He frowned.

“Random.” He observed when handing her the joint back. She shrugged. “I know, but it’s something that I’m curious to find out about. Benj is short for Benjamin, right?” She asked him. “Or did your parents just name you half of a name?” He laughed. “Benj is short for Benjamin, and my parents didn’t name me that, actually. I was adopted already named Benjamin. I don’t think they wanted to change my name like I was the new family dog.”

Avery noted the bitterness in his voice and almost regretted bringing it up. She hadn’t thought anything of it, but she was just assuming it was a preferred nickname. Perhaps it was a little more than that for him. Benj was an intense person. Of course there was an intense reason as to why he liked to be called Benj. “I never really felt too connected to my name to begin with. I knew growing up that I was adopted, and my mother was the one who told me that she didn’t name me herself. That she and my father had adopted me after about three years of watching my birth mother struggle to raise me. I think they might have been neighbors, but they don’t talk about it much. I’ve never really been interested in it myself. I know I was brought into this world by different people, but I found who I was supposed to be with, so those details were never too pressing to figure out.”

“You don’t want to know who your parents are? Like, your biological parents?” She asked him. He shook his head. He might have found himself a little curious when he was little, but it didn’t bother him so much not to know. He figured that if his parents willingly gave him up after having him for three years, they obviously weren’t too attached to him. Or perhaps his birth mother was dead, or a drug addict, or incapable of being a mother. “I’m happy with the family I ended up with. It might be strange, but I don’t want to know my birth parents. Some things are better left alone.”

“Did your parents tell you that you were adopted when you were young?” She asked him. “No, I just kind of…noticed. I’m white, and they’re Black. I used to think something was wrong with me for being so pale, but my father sat down with me one day and told me that they found their way to me after I’d already been born, and they claimed me as their own. I think I was about seven when he told me, but I had known something was up prior to that. I think it was my dad who first called me ‘Benj’. I liked that he had given me a nickname that I hadn’t already had, so I claimed it. Besides that, I ran into a few bullies growing up who used my name and made silly rhymes to mock me with. It was just easier to rebrand myself and make my own identity. Now I just prefer Benj to the other because it brings up bad memories and makes me feel like I don’t really belong anywhere, which is stupid, but it’s how I feel.”

“So technically you’re mixed, then?” She asked him. He laughed. “No, I’m white through and through. But I guess I was raised in a multicultural environment. That counts for something.” Avery smiled.

“Well, I wish I had the good sense to change my name when I was younger. I hate my name. Or maybe I’ve just heard it too many times.” Benj made a face. “I love your name. But if you want me to call you something different, all you have to do is ask.” She liked how accommodating he was. How open he was.

“No, it’s cool, I like how it sounds when you say it.” She almost felt embarrassed by what she had just said to him, but the way he looked at her made her feel better about having no filter, especially when she was high.

“I feel like a jerk, I never asked how your day was.” He said suddenly. Avery blushed. “It was nothing fancy. Just work as usual.” She actually had an uneventful day. She was grateful for it. Seeing Benj tonight made it perfect. Benj’s phone began to ring in his pocket, and he apologized sheepishly, but reached down into his pocket and answered his phone. After a moment of listening he hung up the phone with “I’ll be right there.”

“I’m so sorry, Avery, they need me at work tonight, they’re short staffed.” Avery found herself disappointed that he had to leave. She really enjoyed her time with him and wished that they could talk forever. “T-that’s okay. Your job is like, way more important than me.” Benj made a face while cleaning up their trash and dropping it in the bin beside the table they were sitting at.

“Debatable. But I do want to lend a hand if I can.” She nodded, feeling bummed out that he wanted to go to work instead of stay and keep talking to her. She liked being in his company and she knew it was strange, but she didn’t care. All Avery wanted now was to get him all to herself like this more often. “Because you’re a good person.” Benj shook his head at that, disagreeing with her. She stood up from the table after he did and followed him as he led the way back to her apartment. “Also debatable,” He told her. She laughed but didn’t respond. She only fell into step beside him and grinned to herself as he reached for her hand, lacing his fingers through hers and swinging their arms back and forth in between them.

It was a nice feeling to want someone else’s touch. She usually didn’t like anyone touching her, but Benj was so gentle and welcoming that she felt special. Benj wanting to hold her hand felt like an honor because he was such an amazing guy. She was sure if he had shown her another side of himself that she wouldn’t feel comfortable. It was also clear that she was too trusting, but she didn’t know how to be anything else. It just felt so good to be showered with attention and gifts and kindness. It made her feel human.

“We should have dinner next weekend. Unless you want to do something else?” He suggested. Avery shrugged. “Dinner sounds fine. I like eating. Especially with you.” Benj laughed. “Okay, so you know that fancy ass new restaurant they built downtown? The one with the water fountain on the side of it?”

Avery nodded. “Yes. Every time I pass it all I think is ‘Their water bill must be so high.’.” Benj laughed and nodded his head in agreement. “What if I made a reservation for us at like eight on Friday?” Avery smiled.

“I would have to accept your invitation.” She told him. Benj felt his heart skip a beat. The walk back seemed a lot shorter than the walk to the park and he felt like every step was getting harder to take. He wanted to stay like this a little longer. He didn’t want to go an entire week without seeing her again. Or talking to her.

But he knew that absence made the heart grow fonder. At least for him, that was true. He didn’t know about Avery, but he really enjoyed each time they were together like this. Once they had reached her apartment again, he turned to her and sighed. “Well, this is goodbye for now. I hope you have a good night as well as a good week.” She smiled and nodded toward him.

“You too, Benj.”