Numinous

Eighteen

“Where the hell have you been?” Benj knew he would get bombarded with questions as soon as he walked in the building. He had been completely MIA for a week now and he knew Jessica would grill him for it. He hadn’t been reachable to anyone but Avery and hadn’t thought twice about it. She had needed him to be there for her, and he was more than happy to be there for her. But it was time he finally came back to work. He had skipped too many days in a row.

She spent a total of a week with him at his apartment, and in that time, he had learned a lot about her. It was the craziest experience to nurse Avery back to health while also trying to get to know her better. It was crazy and strange, but he realized that he wouldn’t have it any other way. He had begun to know Avery. He liked her, and he was happy about that because he usually liked people less the more he knew about them.

Case in point; his dear friend Jessica. He had absolutely loved her when they first became friends, and Benj knew that he still did a little bit, but he was growing weary of his old friend. He didn’t like how that made him feel and didn’t want to think too much about it, but Avery gave him hope. Hope that perhaps he could still find a person he connected with. Someone he didn’t have to change himself for. He had never felt like Jessica ever put forth the effort to get to know him, but Avery did. Without thought.

She actually laughed at his jokes and thought what he said was interesting. She cared about what he thought about her, or thought in general, and he enjoyed that. It was a lot different than what he was used to. Jessica usually just told Benj how to feel and what to do and what to say, and he went along with it because he was desperate for companionship. He spent time with Jessica and found himself exhausted--drowning in the effort it took to keep up with her socialite lifestyle. Benj usually took a few days to recoup when he hung out with Jessica. It wasn’t like that with Avery. Not at all. He only wanted to spend more time with her. He missed her and he’d only dropped her off at home the night before.

The crappy part about being best friends with someone like Jessica was that he was expected to divulge information about himself and his life that he would rather keep private. She had always been concerned about his dating life and he hated every bit of it, but thought it was normal until recently. He found he didn’t want to tell her about Avery. What she had gone through was traumatic and didn’t need to be trivialized and broken down so that Jessica could tear it apart with her pessimism. He was trying to work out a way to keep things private, but had failed and given up trying when he arrived at work and saw her car out in the parking lot.

Benj had been avoiding Jessica for more than one reason, however. The last time he had spoken to her, it was after he kissed her in her bedroom and humiliated himself. He didn’t know how to explain what possessed him when he did it. He was embarrassed and upset with himself about that, and he probably used Avery’s injuries to make it somehow better that he wasn’t texting Jessica, or answering any of her calls.

“I’ve been busy…Something came up that I had to deal with.” Jessica frowned at him and crossed her arms over her chest. “’Something’? Why are you being so f*****g weird, Benj?” She asked him, hurt that he was trying to brush her off. He seemed to be in one of his moods. Benj sighed before responding. He already didn’t want to be having this conversation. Explaining himself for needed space was tiring.  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I ignored you and that I avoided you and that I kissed you. I’m mortified by my actions and I wish that I could go back and stop myself from being so dumb, but here we are.”

“So, you’re mortified and you just…ignore me for a week? And stop coming to class and call out of work?” Nothing was adding up for Jessica. Benj was acting strange and she wanted to know why. She wasn’t fond of secrets, especially between them. It made her suspicious of him. Kissing him had felt like she was on cloud nine and Benj couldn’t feel more opposite about the entire thing, and that made her want to die, but she was trying to deal with it all.

“I…Avery, the woman I’ve been seeing was in an accident and I looked after her while she healed from surgery. I was…trying to be a good person.” He told her. Jessica glared at him, her eyes lowering and her lips curling into a scowl. “You don’t even know this girl and you’re skipping out on class to go and take care of her? What did she do before you?” Benj frowned at his friend.

“That was harsh, Jess. She needed someone, and I’m someone. I just wanted to be there for her. It doesn’t matter how long we’ve been seeing each other. It was unorthodox and unconventional, but I like her. I really, truly like her.”

“She seems needy. Very needy.” Benj didn’t like how she said that, and defended Avery the best he could. “She almost died, Jessica. You’re mad at me and that’s fine, but please don’t blame her for my stupidity. I should have at least texted you back and let you know I was still alive, but I have a one track mind and you should know that by now. I gave her my full undivided attention.”

Jessica was curious about what had happened to her. She wanted to ask Benj what this sudden ailment was, but she knew that he would take it the wrong way and get angry with her. She would have to do her own snooping. She had figured out where the diner was that Avery worked at. It would be nothing to her to follow up on that by checking the woman out for herself. Benj could be so naïve about these types of things. She just wanted to protect him. And perhaps get him to see that their kiss was amazing and that he was distracted by this other woman who had no idea who he was.

“Well, aren’t you a saint?” She sarcastically asked him. She decided she wasn’t going to get much out of Benj and took her jacket off, opening her locker and shoving it inside. Benj was glad to be in the clear for the moment and began getting ready for work as well, taking his coat off and placing it in his own locker, feeling tension, but not knowing how to dispel it.

“Jess…about that kiss…” He turned back to her. “I truly am sorry. I should have never kissed you. I was lonely and hurt and drunk. I needed someone, and you were there. It wasn’t right. I don’t ever want to play with your emotions. I have real feelings for Avery and I just don’t want things to be weird between us now.”

Jessica didn’t know how to respond at first. She hated the feelings she got when he told her he had feelings for Avery. She didn’t want to think about why he regretted kissing her so much, or what could have felt so wrong about the kiss. She had wanted Benj to be hers for so long, that she thought she was used to the pain of him wanting someone else, but she hated the way he spoke about Avery.

He had never wanted to keep things private between him and his partners. She had always been keen to every single detail about his relationships and it messed with her that he wanted to keep this one private. She had yet to meet the other woman, but she already didn’t like her.

“It’s okay, Benj. Really. I’m glad I could be there for you when you needed me. How did…I mean, she apologized for standing you up, right?” She asked him, trying to play things off, but wanting to scream at him to notice how in love with him she was. It was absolutely maddening that he had no clue. Every time she got around to trying to tell him, he didn’t get where she was coming from.

He only saw her as a friend, and something about that didn’t sit right with her. She wanted to be more. She had always wanted to be more. From the moment she met him, she had wanted to be with him. He was beautiful, talented and good. He was bright, warm and kind. Through and through, he was a good person. He felt bad about kissing her when he was lonely. He felt so bad he couldn’t go through with it. She had wanted him to. Would have enjoyed showing him what love could be.

There had been a few times they had come close to hooking up in their friendship, but Benj had always pulled away. Had always told her he shouldn’t. Couldn’t. Wouldn’t. It made her feel like s**t. What was so special about Avery? What drew him in? What was he searching for that he couldn’t find in Jessica?

“She didn’t need to apologize. Sometimes things happen that we can’t predict. But yeah, we smoothed things out. We’re good. Better than good. I’m thinking of inviting her to my gig next week. I want you to meet her...if you’ll be nice.” Benj was feeling guilty for being a bad friend to her. He wanted to make it up to her, and he knew if she just met Avery, she would understand. Avery was special. She was sweet and kind and captivating. He absolutely adored her and figured Jessica would warm up to her eventually.

“But she did apologize, though, right?” Jessica was very protective over Benj, which he usually appreciated, but right now, he didn’t appreciate it too much. He just wanted her to accept Avery, despite the fact that he had cried like a baby about her standing him up.

She hadn’t even stood him up, she had been fighting for her life, which made him feel even worse for bad mouthing her to Jessica. If Jessica already had preconceived notions about Avery, it would be all his fault. He should have never gone crying to Jessica in the first place.  It was always so hard to get her to change her mind about people once she’d made an assumption.

“Yes, she did. Profusely. Which she didn’t need to do. I understand what it was that she went through and you shouldn’t hold a grudge against her if I don’t. I would really like it if she could meet you. Just briefly after the show. I don’t want to overwhelm her by inviting you to hang out with us, but I think a quick meeting could be really nice, right?”

She could see just how badly Benj wanted her to meet this woman. She didn’t like it. “Why do I have to meet her, Benj?” He frowned at her again, for what felt like the millionth time today. “Last time we spoke; you were dying to meet her. Now you don’t want to?”

“It’s not that I don’t want to. It's just that I’m not sure she’ll even show up.” Benj rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. “Okay, that’s fair, I guess. Why don’t you leave the worrying about getting stood up to me, and you just worry about getting yourself there so you can meet her? If she doesn’t show up, at least you got to see me play, right?” He asked her, trying to lighten the mood, because it had taken a mildly dark turn.

“You’re right.” Jessica told him, if only to end their conversation on a good note. Benj could be charmed all he wanted to by Avery. It didn’t mean that she was going to be. She would most definitely have to do some snooping. She pulled her phone out after Benj had already begun exiting the employees lounge, going to find a fresh cup of coffee at the stand that just opened up downstairs. He turned to Jessica before he closed the door.

“You want a cup of coffee?” She shook her head. “No, I’ve got my Red Bull.” She told him, patting her lunch bag for emphasis. When he had shut the door, she dialed Seth’s number and pressed the phone to her ear. “Hello, love!” His voice sounded from the other line. She smiled. “How soon can you book a flight here? I want to do some sleuthing, and I need my partner in crime.”

“Sleuthing? Like what we used to do in high school?” There was humor behind his voice. “Yes. Come be bad with me. It’ll be fun, I promise. Benj had picked a really strange cookie this time.” Seth laughed. “Say less. I’ll be out there by Friday.”