Numinous

Nineteen

"Wow. You record music here?" Avery asked as she took in the studio before her. She heard the door close behind her and the soft click of the lock before Benj was at her side, hand pressed into the small of her back. She had no idea what to expect when he asked to show her his safe place, but now that she was here, it made sense.

He loved music, and where else would he go other than a studio where he could make music? Avery wanted to be the type of person to have a thing. Something she was good at that brought her peace of mind. Benj had his music, and she was sure lots of other people had lots of other things.

She had nothing.

But as she looked around, she found it hard to be bitter. All suffering aside, she was thrilled that Benj was showing her another side of him, one that wasn't intimidating and doctor-y. There were soft looking gray couches with white throw blankets folded neatly and placed on the backs of them, sitting against the wall with round glass coffee tables in front of them sitting atop of a plush looking furry rug. The decor was what she imagined someone would pay a lot of money to model their home after; simple and open and calm. House plants littered the area as well. Hanging from the ceiling and sitting next to the couches, succulents in spherical terrariums sat on the glass tables. A mini fridge with a sliding glass door was placed in the corner, filled with refreshments.

In the middle of the room was the recording booth, a dark room with only one microphone in it, hanging from the ceiling above, and below that was a single stool. The recording room was surrounded by soundproof glass. To the side of the entrance, there was a huge soundboard with all types of buttons and dials on it.

"Yeah, most times. I come up with the audio in my bedroom, usually, and then piece it all together here. It’s better than inviting all types of weirdos to my apartment to record songs." Someone had tried to rob him at one point before he found it necessary to search for studio space.

"You use it whenever you want? Will I get in trouble for being here?" Benj smiled down at her and shook his blond curls. Avery didn’t know why, but seeing his curls bounce back and forth like that made her feel like she was floating. Every time he looked at her, her breath was taken away. That couldn’t be healthy, could it? "I get to use it whenever I want. It’s mine. I bought the building and built this all myself. Took a few months, and a few remodels to make it perfect."

"You can build stuff, too, now?" She asked him, hands on her hips. It shocked her that he had the money to drop on rent and buy entire buildings just to record music in. It made her wonder just how rich he really was, but she didn’t want to ask. She didn’t want to be rude, or seem like she wanted his money. She just wanted to know what he had done to get it. Benj was surprisingly skilled in a lot of different ways. How could one man hold so much talent in his shaky little fingers?

"You can do anything nowadays. All you need is YouTube." She wasn't buying it, though. He was a humble person—he would never tell her where he learned his skill if he thought it would set them even further apart. Avery wanted to be annoyed with him, but found it charming how non-confrontational he was at times. It made it easier to talk to him.

Benj hadn't taught himself how to do all of this on YouTube. He learned all he knew from his summers volunteering over in Africa, building homes for the less fortunate with his sisters. He luckily had a pretty decent memory and was able to improvise as he went. He just didn't want Avery to think he was some well-traveled rich prick. He was, but that wasn't all that he was, and he thought Avery saw that. For now, that is.

"Show me how this thing works?" She asked him, going over to the soundboard, changing the subject. Benj felt relief flood through him now that she had turned her attention away from his craftsmanship and to the soundboard right in front of the booth. He laughed. Of course she wanted to know how to work the soundboard. It was by far the most interesting part of the room. "Uh, well, when someone's in there," he pointed inside the box. "There's usually someone out here who is mixing the music and vocals together. Fixing the pitch and volume and overlapping vocals."

He pointed to various parts of the board when he spoke, Avery's eyes following, trying to remember where everything was and what panel did what, but it was all foreign to her—like a new language. Music was a language Benj was fluent in, and she was just an outsider. "The person is usually being fed the audio through those headphones in there so they can sing to it. I’m usually in there and I pay someone to be out here while I’m recording,"

"Sing to me," she interrupted. Benj blushed and looked down. "Avery, I'm..." he didn’t know what he wanted to say other than no, he would not sing for her, but he didn't want to say that, either, because it seemed rude. "I just wanted to hear you sing," she mumbled. "That's all. You don't have to," she had only heard the things that he had mixed, or things he had written, or his humming, which was lovely, but she wanted to hear his real voice. The one he used to speak the words he could never say to anyone. She had yet to hear his vocal abilities, but she had no doubt she would be impressed. Benj had a soft, soothing, velvet like voice, that was also deep, and strong; compelling.

She just felt embarrassed now that she had asked and he hadn't wanted to. "It’s just that I don't really sing in front of other people...I do it when I'm writing...for, well, for obvious reasons, but I don't particularly like my voice," Avery thought Benj was always too critical of himself; always so ready to give up on himself, when she thought he could do anything if he really tried.

"I love your voice. When you speak, it already sounds like a melody; so I think that your fear is irrational, but I understand, and you don't have to sing to me." She assured him. "I don't know about all that, Av," he muttered softly to her. "Sometimes it seems like I just...I'll never be good enough? Like I'm too afraid to try because I'm too afraid to fail." He confessed, blood rushing to his cheeks as he did. He had the worst self-esteem and if he could change anything about himself, that would be it.

"Oh, Benj, you could never fail. Music is your calling, your passion. I can tell by the way you get lost in your music. I love just sitting there and watching you as you listen. It’s beautiful and you look so serene and peaceful while doing it. I think you have something really special, and I think it needs to be shared with the rest of the world. If you never try, you never know if it might work out for you. You can't spend your life afraid to do the things you love. I mean, trust me on that; spending your life miserable is not all it's chalked up to be." He smiled at her, but it didn't reach his eyes. She was saying such amazing uplifting words, but he felt so discouraged. He didn’t think his family would approve of his hobby. His dad wanted him to do something lucrative and smart, so he wouldn’t have to struggle and so he could support his own family, and his mother when his father passed.

They had given him so much and provided for him so that he could get to where he was today, and he couldn’t squander that going to chase his silly little dream. It was stupid of him to think he could make a career out of it, especially since his current path would lead to certainty. He just didn’t know what to do, so he did nothing.

He wanted to be able to take care of his family when they needed him because he was so grateful for all they had done for him when they didn’t have to. They adopted him and treated him like they were his actual family from the start. They gave him opportunities to become more than he was destined to be before they rescued him. He couldn’t throw that away gambling for fame and recognition.

That wasn’t why he liked music in the first place. He just loved to create music that spoke to him. He liked to mix tracks and write lyrics because music made sense to him. He didn’t want to complicate that by trying to make a huge profit off of it, or trying to make a career out of it. Becoming a doctor would ensure that he had a steady income.

"Music is my hobby, but it isn't anything serious, just a quick way to get money on the side, and it's something to do on the weekends, I like it, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want it to be anything other than a side gig," he told her.

"No.” She said defiantly. Avery was convinced she had come to know Benj better than to believe him when he said that this was just a hobby to him. He built an entire studio for conducting his business and his passion behind it was astonishing. He was listening to music twenty-four seven and he had excused himself from her presence more than a few times to answer phone calls about the work he was doing on people’s tracks. He loved making music and Avery thought he should pursue it. It seemed more like his speed anyways. Perhaps that’s why he seemed to possess so many different personalities—he was trying to fill shoes that his feet were too big for. So what if his dad had a practice in Arkansas? Benj had talent inside of his fingertips.

Benj grinned as he noted the way her eyebrows furrowed and her lips were in a pout. He always thought she was so adorable when she didn’t agree with him. She always got so argumentative and worked up. Sometimes it made him want to start a disagreement with her just to get her all worked up, but he knew that wasn’t healthy or productive if he was trying to get her to fall for him the way he had fallen for her. 

“Music is your passion.” Avery was saying as Benj tugged himself out of the black hole that was thinking of all the things he already loved about her. “You aren't passionate about saving lives, you aren't passionate about being a doctor. You're passionate about your music, your talent, and what keeps you going every single day of your life. You care about your job and you're good at it, yeah, but there's plenty out there that can do it, just as well or better than you. Not a lot of people have music coming out of their fingertips twenty-four seven. Not a lot of people could pick apart all the different elements to a song, and then recreate it in a day. Not a lot of people could write songs at all, let alone write the music for it and give them away to artists because you think they deserve to sing them more than you do, although they came from your heart.

"I think you're amazing and you could do anything you wanted and you shouldn't limit yourself by telling yourself you aren't as good as you could be, or aren't good enough, or because you aren’t sure you’ll make a living off of it. A guy like you probably has a lot of savings, and something tells me you would have a while before you ran out of it. You’re just being a chicken s**t, that’s all. You’re talented, and you’re stupid if you think you’re going to fail. You are what you are and there's a lot of people willing to look through your flaws to hear your music."

Benj reached up to caress her cheek slowly, taking in her words, his eyes misty. He hated himself for being so emotional. He wasn't usually moved to tears by anything, but Avery had him shedding tears with her words. She was just so kind and passionate and good. He felt like before, he was feeling pretty shitty, but now he felt like maybe she was right. Maybe he was being a chicken s**t, and it took him this long to figure it out. School was his fallback plan, and he hadn’t even realized it. He was just afraid to do it.

Avery felt faint when his skin touched hers, his hazel eyes on hers so intensely. Like he was seeing through them, through her, and into her soul. She had no idea why he looked at her like that, but she hoped he never stopped. She liked when he did; it made her feel so important—and she had never felt important to anyone.

"You are my favorite person, I swear." He told her. Avery bit her lip. "Shut up," she said to him playfully. She couldn't be his favorite person. He barely knew her. "Truly, I mean it. You say the best, sweetest stuff, all the time to me, and I like it, a lot. I've got to think more positively about myself; you're right." She couldn't help the way her heart sped up in her chest. "Well, I like you. A lot." She responded. She knew she sounded dumb, but she couldn’t help it. He made her brain a mess.

He leaned closer to her, and she felt like her heart was going to explode. She liked the proximity, she didn’t want him to ever leave this spot. He rested his forehead against hers, nose tickling hers as he took a deep breath and tried to come up with a thought that wasn’t about Avery’s lips. "Wanna kiss you," he whispered softly, breath fanning across her face. His lips were so close, if she even moved an inch, their lips could touch. He licked his lips, and she felt like her legs turned to jelly.

She let out a tiny gasp, eyes sliding shut, wanting the same thing, wanting to kiss him, but as he brought his other hand up to caress her face, the door opened and she jumped back from him, looking towards the entrance. Benj turned around to catch their intruder as well, looking irritated.

It was another man, with deep caramel colored skin and a leather jacket. He wore a knowing look on his face as he took Avery in, his eyes dragging down her body, and involuntarily, she covered her chest with her arms and looked away from him, at the floor as she went to go sit on the couch in the corner, also peeved that they had been interrupted. But, now that they had, she was beginning to realize that they had been pressed up against each other in a provocative way. He had somehow inched his way in between her legs as she sat on the edge of the soundboard, and it had felt natural and normal to her, which made her feel a lot of things, but mostly ashamed of herself.

Their moment was meant to be private, and now someone had witnessed it. She didn't want to give him any ideas. It was embarrassing enough that he walked in on them in such a compromising position. He probably thought she was a w***e. Was she a w***e? She had known Benj for a total of a couple months, and she was here, alone with him in his studio, pressed up against him like some groupie. What was she even doing?

She had no idea what she was doing. She was out of her league here. She felt like she had ventured too far from the sidewalk and cars were careening toward her and she was frozen in fear. She didn’t know Benj all that well and still she put herself in situations where he could potentially take advantage of her. She would never learn her lesson. She was just going to keep trusting strange men until one of them ended up killing her. 

Did he do this often? Did he lure girls to secluded areas and pretend to be a nice guy? Show girls his studio and invite his friends without telling them? Why was that other guy even here? Her mind was reeling trying to think of an exit strategy, but they were both at the front door and the backdoor was locked; Benj had mentioned on the way over that his new security system would trip off anytime he tried to use the back door.

She felt herself beginning to panic, her breathing getting shallow, but pinched the inside of her thigh in between her nails to stop herself from freaking out. She trusted Benj. Didn’t she? Her mind was just playing tricks on her. She hadn’t been stupid, she knew she could trust him not to hurt her, right? Otherwise she was just admitting that she didn’t even trust herself to know what was good for her, and if she didn’t even trust herself with that information, who did she trust? Allen?

She felt sick.

Benj seemed to know the guy well as his features changed and he went to greet the man pulling him into a one sided hug, turning back to face Avery. He had a genuine look on his face, but Avery was unsure of him now. She felt ambushed and out of place as she tried to keep her panic attack hidden.

"This is Trevor, the one I was telling you about. We're going to be recording an album together soon."  Avery politely smiled at the other man, wishing Benj was by her side instead of his. "Hi. I'm Avery," she introduced herself with a tiny wave in his direction, wringing her hands together out in front of her afterwards. Her voice wasn’t as shaky as the rest of her felt and she was grateful.

“Do you mind if she’s here while I download the samples?” He asked Trevor. Trevor shrugged his shoulders. “It’s all good, man, I should have told you I was coming around today. My flight just touched down a few hours ago, I figured I’d stop by while I was in the area. If I would have known your girl was with you, I would have called first.”

Benj shook his head at that, grinning to himself at the thought of Avery being his girl. He wanted that with every bone in his body, but he was having fun being patient. He loved spending time with her, even if it was strictly platonic, and he knew that they had the rest of their lives to define their relationship. “Don’t worry about it,” He told him. “This will only take a second.” Trevor dug into his pocket and took out a USB drive. He handed it to Benj and Avery watched Benj lead the way over to his laptop and sat in the chair that was in front of the soundboard, setting his computer on the table and logging in.

“How was the tour?” He asked Trevor, who sat next to him, pulling out a blunt and lighting it. He took a hit from the blunt and handed it to Benj. He took it gratefully, hitting it before passing it back to Trevor, who took a huge hit off of it and offered it to Avery, who declined it with a wave of her hand. She wasn’t allowing herself to get any higher than she already was in case something happened and she had to flee. She wanted to be completely lucid.

“It was dope. We had a few sold out shows and we sold out of merchandise, which is nice, because I lost a lot of money last year when we toured. Hey, that reminds me, we’re playing at Gino’s next weekend and our opener just bailed on us; you want in? It’s not a lot of money—I’m just going to be honest with you—but we draw a lot of people out and it’s great for exposure. We can even set you up a nice table if you’ve got any EP’s you want to sell.”

Benj was shocked for a moment, taking the blunt back and waiting for the computer to load so he could move the files over. “You sure you want me to open for you? I’m…like…unprofessional. I’ve never really opened for anyone, just small gigs and open mic nights.” Trevor chuckled.

“Dude, you have got to stop selling yourself short. I’ve known you for five years, and I’ve listened to and bought all of your music—I think you would do amazing.” He turned to Avery. “What do you think he should do?” He asked her. She blushed.

“Don’t put her on the spot,” Benj said protectively, but Avery spoke up. “You should do it.” She said, then added “You should sing.” Benj grinned at her while shaking his head. He knew she was going to tease him about not being able to sing in front of her, but somehow it made him feel giddy, instead of upset. “I probably won’t sing.” He said. Trevor gave him a weird look. “Why the f**k not? You’ve got a better voice than me.” Avery felt offended.

“You sang for him?” She sounded purely wounded and Benj didn’t like that. He scrambled for an excuse. 

“Well, we were writing together. I just…couldn’t not sing.” Benj felt a bit guilty for not at least trying to sing in front of her, but he just got nervous and didn’t want her to think less of him if she didn’t like his voice. Avery didn’t want to seem too upset about it, but she kind of was. She doubted he had anything to worry about—he was amazing at everything he did. Of course she was anticipating his next move.

“Yo, I’ve got a recording I can send you of his voice.” Trevor told Avery, who looked up at him shyly and smiled. “That sounds like something I might be interested in.” Benj didn’t like where this was going. He had no idea Trevor even took a recording of him singing, and he certainly didn’t want this recording to be spread around.

“Alright,” He began, removing the USB drive from his computer port and handing it back to his friend. “Your s**t is downloaded. Don’t feel the need to overstay your welcome.” Trevor laughed while Benj took the blunt he was holding out for him. “Sure you don’t want any?” He asked Avery. She nodded once. She didn’t want to seem like she was stuck up or anything, but she really didn’t trust his friend Trevor, even if it did seem like they knew each other well.

“So are you going to take the gig or not?” she asked him. “I suppose I don’t really have a choice. I could possibly work on an acoustic song—just for you.” She smiled and looked down at her lap. “You would do that?” She asked. He nodded, a smile playing on his lips.

“For you, I’d seriously consider it.”