Numinous

Seventeen

Avery lay unresponsive in bed, the blankets pulled up over her head as Benj stood and stared down at her. He wanted to get in bed with her and try to hold her, but he knew that would only cause her to freak out again and start crying, so he stood lost and scared for her.

It had been three days. Three day of this. When he had gone back to her apartment the next morning to check on her, she had been awful and sickly looking, puking up her guts and barely able to move. It had been a struggle convincing her to let him take care of her, but she couldn’t say no to him. She had let him whisk her away to his apartment, where he gave her medication, dressed her wounds, and let her sleep as long as he could check to make sure she was still breathing—like an overly cautious new mother would check on her sleeping infant.

Benj was worried sick, though. Avery had not gotten up, used the bathroom, eaten anything, showered. He didn’t know what to do and he wanted to call Jessica and ask her for advice, but he knew that she wouldn’t have any. Benj knew she hated that he was seeing Avery and would somehow spin this to make it seem like she was doing this all on purpose, but Benj knew that she wasn’t. Since he had known her, he knew that she was going through a lot. All of the time. She was fighting demons she didn’t even know about and it made him sad that he couldn’t do more for her.

He wanted to protect her from her feelings, but it seemed that she wouldn’t let him in to do that. The only thing that she could do was shut down completely and block the rest of the world out. It was worrying to Benj, and he wanted to help her out of it.

He just didn’t want to cross any lines. They were still new to each other and he didn’t know how often this happened. He just knew that this wasn’t healthy behavior and Avery needed a lot more help than she was willing to admit. Nothing was making it better for her. Not sleep, not Benj’s company, not staying at his place until things blew over. Nothing.

He kneeled down in front of the bed and reached up hesitantly to set his hand down gently on top of her shoulder. He knew she wasn’t sleeping under there. He had begun to recognize the way she breathed when she was asleep during her stay at the hospital, and he knew that when her breathing was perfectly even, she was awake. Her brain was overactive in her sleep and he knew she had nightmares she didn’t remember during the sleep times.

“Avery?” He whispered to her with a shake of his voice. He didn’t want to disturb her and it wrecked him thinking that he would. He just knew that if he didn’t try and pull her out of this, she would get stuck here. Avery was sadder than she let on. Maybe even sadder than she even realized she was.

There was no response from the woman who lay in his guest bed, debilitated by her depression and hiding away from reality. From the reality that she had been hurt, and she didn’t want to remember who it was. Or she didn’t want anyone knowing she remembered who it was.  He went back and forth on that. “I…I know you’re feeling defeated right now, but I need you to take care of yourself, Av. You have to get up. You have to keep fighting. I’m so sorry you’re hurting, but this isn’t the answer. Shutting down isn’t the answer. If you think you have to do it alone, you don’t. I’m here for you. I’ll take care of you if you’ll just let me. I’ll run you a warm bath, I’ll make you dinner—whatever you want. I’ll hold you while you cry, I’ll talk you off this ledge. But you have got to meet me halfway, please. Get up, and I’ll help you with the rest. This is not where your journey ends.”

There was movement from her. Her shoulders shook, and he heard soft, muffled cries begin to fall from her lips. Benj slowly pulled the blanket down to reveal her face. Her curls were matted to her head in a crazy manner, her eyes puffy and red. He slowly brought his hand up to caress her cheek.

“Hey, you,” He whispered to her, offering her a small encouraging smile as her eyes met his. She still hadn’t moved from her fetial position in the middle of the bed. “How’re you feeling?” He asked, knowing he wouldn’t get a response. She just let out another cry that he soothed by running his hands through her hair while humming to her until she calmed down, her cries coming to an end.

“Can I help you sit up?” he asked her. Still no response from her. She shut her eyes and let out a small sigh. “Can’t,” He heard her whisper, voice hoarse and raspy. “It hurts.” She told him in the same raspy broken voice. He wanted to cry for her, but he didn’t. He didn’t want to freak her out or make her think something was wrong with her for being in too much pain to move on her own. “You’ve still got pain killers. Want me to get you one of those? I can run you a bath and get started on dinner as it kicks in?” Avery just started crying again, burying her face in the pillow. “No, I can’t,”

“Av, sweet girl, you’ve got to. If you’re in pain, you have to take your medicine. That’s how it stops hurting. I promise you it’ll feel better.” He stood up and went to grab her prescription from the night stand, grabbing the bottle of water he had put next to the bed. He opened the bottle and shook out one small oval shaped pill, then flicked the lid off of the water bottle. He kneeled down in front of the bed once again and held out the pill to her in between two fingers.

It took her a while, but she finally reached one shaky hand out from underneath the blanket and took it gingerly, popping it into her mouth slowly, letting Benj lower the water bottle to her lips as she drank from the straw. After she had swallowed the pill, she sighed and shivered, pulling the blankets tighter around herself and hiding her face from view once again.

“I’m going to start the water. If you fall asleep again, I’ll just wake you, so keep that in mind.” He left the room quietly after that, leaving the door cracked like she had asked him to days prior and went to the bathroom to begin making the water for her bath, worry still on his mind. He didn’t want to admit it, but Avery was a lot more complex than he had banked on.

Her life was messier than he had anticipated—but instead of making him want to back away and back down from dating her, it made him want to see her more. To make sure there was someone who cared about her, someone to take care of her when she needed it. Avery couldn’t take care of herself right now, and it killed Benj to think about this happening before he had met Avery. To think about her in this much pain, all alone, wrapped in a blanket and scared to death, in so much pain she couldn’t do anything else but feel it.

He wanted to make things better for her. He wanted to make sure she knew she wasn’t alone. He didn’t know the full story and it was looking more and more like he never would as the days went on, but that didn’t matter to him. He knew that whatever had happened hurt Avery a lot, and she needed his support. She needed him to take care of her, even if she would never admit it. He didn’t want her to be alone ever again.

He had the capacity to care for her, and care for her he would.

When Benj got to his kitchen, he didn’t know what to make her. He didn’t think she could handle real food at this point. To his knowledge, she would still be in the hospital on liquids and an IV, so he was lost on what to make her that didn’t resemble hospital food. He finally decided on a light chicken noodle soup, sans chicken. He didn’t want her to have to overwork her jaw.

He mixed all of his ingredients together in a medium sized pot and left it to simmer on the stove as he went to the bathroom to check on the water. He didn’t have anything that smelled too relaxing, but he did have a eucalyptus bath soak for the days his back hurt from work. He hoped it was enough to help ease Avery’s mind just a bit so she could let her body heal. He knew all of her constant over-thinking didn’t help her situation. He set out a towel and washcloth before going to his own bedroom and finding some sweats for her to change into. He went to his bedside table and opened the bottom drawer, taking out one of the pre-rolled blunts he stored in there and went back to the guest bedroom, where he was pleased to see that Avery had pulled herself up into a seated position on the edge of the bed, her feet dangling in the air. She looked so small for a moment.

Like a child. Especially when she looked up at him with her big doe eyes, the neediness so clear on her face his heart began to pound. The thought of Avery needing him sent him into the stratosphere. He wanted to be there for her—he wanted her to know she had a safe place to land, and that it was alright to not be alright. He would take care of her and he would do it for absolutely nothing in return.

Benj set the clothes and the blunt on the bed beside her. “Do you need help getting to the bathroom?” He asked her. Avery nodded. He stood in front of her and took her outstretched hands, pulling her up to her feet gently. He then raised her arm up over his head and scooped her up bridal style. Avery held on tighter than she needed to, but that didn’t bother him. He carried her into the bathroom and set her down.

She stood, holding into his shoulders for support and stared down at the tub for a moment. “Everything alright?” Benj asked her. Avery began nodding slowly, sucking her bottom lip into her mouth. “I’m scared it’s gonna be cold.” She whispered. Benj shook his head. “It’s hot water, Av, I promise you. It’ll feel good on your sore body. I would never lie to you.” She shivered despite his words and sighed.

“Okay…” She turned away from him and Benj took that as his queue to leave. He went for the door and pulled it open, stepping out and pulling the door shut but was stopped by an outburst from Avery. “Don’t! Please, keep it open? I’m sorry, I just don’t want to be alone here.” Benj nodded, pushing the door open a little. “Of course. Anything you need.” She gave him a tiny little smile before turning around and beginning to pull the t-shirt she wore off. Benj looked away at the sight of the first bruise on the small of her back, trying not to think of the many ways it could have gotten there.

He went back to the kitchen to finish the soup he was preparing for her, dishing it up in a small bowl for her and going to make a pot of hot water for throat soothing herbal tea. While the water was brewing, he went back to the guest bedroom to strip the sheets and change them so she had a clean bed to crawl back into when she wanted it. It was relaxing for him to think of ways to soothe her. He only wanted to make her life better. It was the entire reason he found he wanted to be a part of it.

It was only when he had finished making the bed that he turned and saw Avery stood wrapped up in the towel he had set out for her, her curly black hair wet and dripping water onto the carpet. Benj found he didn’t mind that.

“Sorry, I was just changing the sheets. Dinners done, if you’re hungry. Or it could wait until you’re ready. Either way…how are you feeling?” Avery shrugged. “I dunno.” She told him. Benj cleared his throat then. “Do you, uh, want privacy?” He asked her, feeling awkward and out of place. She nodded slowly.

Benj stepped out of the room then, feeling his heart racing as he tried to play things off. But the reality was that he was freaking out. He didn’t know if he was being too overbearing, or if he was treating her the way that she needed to be treated. He just wanted to do it right. He wanted to know what to do to make her feel better, and it was stressing him out that he didn’t. Sometimes he wanted there to be a cheat sheet to life—just so that he could be sure that he was making all the right moves.

He walked back into the kitchen to arrange her food and tea on a tray and carried it back to the bedroom, where he had heard the door swing open hesitantly from the kitchen. Avery was sitting in the middle of the bed again, looking a bit more refreshed than before. Benj smiled and set the tray down in front of her on the bed, sitting down next to her.

“I made you some soup and some tea for your throat. You must be starved.” Avery shrugged. “I don’t know. I can’t really feel anything right now.” She told him quietly. Benj frowned but said nothing as she sat and looked down at the tray like it was her enemy.

“Do you want to at least try it?” He asked, trying not to be pushy, but also knowing that she hadn’t eaten in days and she just had to be hungry, even if she thought she couldn’t feel it. She was just numb to everything at the moment and unable to care for herself. Benj didn’t like seeing her like this and wished there was some way to magically fix everything so that she could be in perfect health again and perhaps smile at him.

He watched as she reached out for the tray and shakily picked up the spoon sitting next to the bowl of soup that was just broth and soft overcooked pasta, the way his mother used to make it for him when he was sick as a child. It wasn’t appealing, but the broth provided a lot of nutrition and extra strength.

She took a small portion and tried the soup, eyes closing after her first bite. “This is good.” She whispered. Benj shook his head. “It probably doesn’t taste like much, but it’s good for you.” Avery sat in silence as she ate her food, and when it was gone, she took the cup of tea and sipped it, sighing as the warm liquid hit her sore throat and soothed it a bit.

“Thank you,” She said suddenly as Benj went to grab the tray and stand. He was about to clean up after seeing the far away sleepy look enter Avery’s eyes again. He knew it was only a matter of time before she was down for the count again. Hopefully with a better chance at healing when she was full and properly cared for.

“What for?” He asked. Avery shrugged, holding her teacup close to her like it could warm her up by its proximity. “For taking care of me. I appreciate you.” Benj smiled at her. “Of course. I could think of no better way to spend my weekend than with you.” Avery rolled her eyes, knowing that was a lie. Knowing there were plenty of things he could be doing this weekend that were better than taking care of her like she was some useless little child.

But she appreciated him endlessly for his sacrifice. She didn’t know him very well, but this made him seem like less of a stranger. He liked to take care of others. He likes to provide his services. Benj was selfless and kind-hearted and wonderful. He was paternal in the way that he took charge and told Avery exactly what she needed to do in order to feel better and it should have scared Avery to hear the pushiness in his voice, but it didn’t.

She knew that he was only pushing so hard because he had seen her in the hospital just days ago and she hadn’t been doing very well. It scared Benj to think that Avery could leave his life just as suddenly as she entered it. He didn’t want her to suffer endlessly and would always offer his help and his support to her to prevent that from happening.

He went to dump the dishes in the sink, and when he came back to the guest bedroom, Avery was laying on her side atop the blankets with her arms wrapped around herself protectively. He went to sit beside her and placed one hand on her shoulder. “You alright?” He asked her. Avery nodded slowly, yawning. “I’m sleepy,” She told him.

She looked so innocent, curled up on the queen sized mattress they were on top of. Benj reached over to grab the throw blanket that was folded neatly and placed on the chair that sat next to the bed. He unfolded it and placed it on top of the woman next to him, heart pounding as she smiled at that, in her half asleep state. She reached out for his hand and took it in hers hesitantly. “Will you stay with me? I don’t want to be alone.” Benj wrapped his fingers around hers tightly. “Of course, sweet girl. I’ll be right here.”

“Thank you. You’re like my safety net. You’re my safe place.” She whispered absently. “A person can’t be a safe place.” Benj chuckled, looking down at her adoringly. “Yes they can!” She whined at him softly. He laughed again. “You have to pick your safe place. It can’t be another person, because people aren’t places. I’ll show you mine one day to give you an idea.” Avery smiled with her eyes sliding shut. “Promise?” She asked him. “I promise.” Avery snuggled a bit closer to him and let out one last sigh before quickly falling asleep, tiny snores escaping her mouth.

He carefully reached down to grab the blunt he had brought with him from his bedroom and reached into his back pocket to take out his lighter. He put the blunt to his lips and lit it, enjoying the first draw of it. He looked down at Avery, snoring peacefully with her hand still tightly wrapped in his. Her hand had long gone slack, but he was having a hard time letting go. He didn’t want her to wake up and think for one second that he wasn’t keeping her safe.

Benj would stay up and make sure she was doing okay. It seemed like the least he could do for her. He reached over and stroked her hair out of her face softly, trying not to wake her. He felt tears welling up in his eyes and tried to push them back. He hated that Avery was suffering and he couldn’t do anything about it. He didn’t know who would want to hurt someone like her. It didn’t make sense. He looked at her, and he just wanted to love her. He just wanted to give her the entire world. How could someone want to destroy someone so pure? So innocent?