Numinous

Sixteen

“So, I got you some stuff to wear from the gift shop downstairs. They didn’t have a lot of options, but I think those will fit you.” Benj placed a white plastic bag full of clothing on the bed in front of Avery. She was propped up in bed with pillows stacked up behind her back. She had been having trouble breathing while she was laying down, and Benj wanted to freak out and tell her that she couldn’t possibly go home right now in the state she was in, but it helped to take a walk outside to smoke a joint. He had cleared his head a bit and remembered that she had nothing to go home in. He decided to browse the gift shop for items that she could wear home.

Avery stared at the bag for a moment before slowly reaching out for it. She pulled out a plain black sweatshirt and then gray sweatpants and a plain white t-shirt. “They didn’t have a lot, I’m sorry.” She shook her head before noticing there was another thing inside the bag. She pulled out a small stuffed bear who held a felt heart in between his paws that said ‘get well soon’ on it. The clothes were forgotten as she stared down at the bear with tears gathering in her eyes.

He bought her a bear?

“I also saw that. Thought it was cute, so I got it for you. It’s dumb, I know,”

“It’s not dumb,” She whispered. Benj felt his face heat up as she stared at the stuffed animal in her hands, clothes forgotten. He didn’t know what her reaction would be, but he was hoping that perhaps she wouldn’t think he was weird for getting a grown woman a stuffed animal. He just assumed that it was better than balloons or a card. Or nothing at all.

“Thank you. You’re so sweet. I’m going to keep him forever.” Benj grinned, biting his bottom lip to try and stop. He was able to notice then that she was staring down at the toy with affection in her eyes. He hadn’t seen it before, but now it was all that he saw. He liked how it made him feel inside to know that she liked his silly little gift. “You don’t have to, I just…”

“Shut up, Benji, I’m keeping him.” He smiled at that.

There was a knock on the door and then it was opened. The doctor stepped inside and sent a tight look over to Avery. “So, you want me to discharge you, huh?” Avery nodded her head slightly, still in pain. The doctor clicked his tongue and Benj glimpsed down at his badge. Maddison. He had heard his name before several times but had never worked with the man. He doubted he even knew Benj was an employee.

“We like to keep patients who underwent surgery in hospital for the duration of the first day or two afterward to monitor your recovery and regulate the amount of medication needed to help manage your pain. I’m sure you know this already, but I need to warn you that leaving before you’re discharged by me or someone else who is qualified to make such a call could result in further injury or incidents that could lead to death.” Avery didn’t want to have to be told another time that what she was doing was dangerous, but she didn’t speak up. She had a hard time speaking up as it was, and now that she was sitting here trapped in a room, in pain, being told that she could die, she felt like her voice had simply just dissipated.

“As I informed you earlier, we have you on steroids and antibiotics that need to be administered every twelve hours, otherwise you are susceptible to viral infection and bacterial infections that could be life threatening for you. Your immune system has been weakened due to the removal of your spleen, and that means that even after the rounds of antibiotics stop, you will be immunocompromised. You will have to adjust your lifestyle in order to supplement that.”

“Doc, no disrespect, but all of this is outlined in the paperwork, correct?” Benj stopped him after reading Avery’s face and watching her become more and more upset the more he talked to her. She had already made her mind up and Benj didn’t think it was fair to try and scare her into staying. He was terrifying her and she was already terrified as it was.

Dr. Maddison looked up at Benj with irritation on his face. “Of course. Just make sure you’re aware of the repercussions of this.” Benj was well aware of them and he didn’t like it any more than the doctor, but he understood that Avery had a right to her own autonomy and if she didn’t want to be here, it was cruel of them to keep her. “We’re well aware. Thank you.”

Avery glanced over at Benj and felt her heart melting at how he defended her, even though they had this same discussion only hours prior. He was so domineering in his tone and she could tell he intended to win the argument that seemed to be arising right in front of her. It surprised Avery a little that Benj was so outspoken at this moment.

He seemed soft spoken and a little shy, but somehow this didn’t seem out of character for him. He was defending her from being talked at by a doctor who thought he knew better for her than she did. For all she knew, the doctor probably did know better than her, but that didn’t stop her heart from beating fast in her chest at the prospect of Benj being on her side, even if she were wrong.

“We’re prescribing you steroids, antibiotics, and a little bit of pain medication. You should finish the medication within three weeks and I’d advise you take things easy for about a month. Bed Rest for the first few days and light movement will help your body heal.” He finished. He placed the stack of paper he had in his hand on the table in front of him. “You’re free to go, but please come back if you are having sharp acute pains in your abdomen that don’t subside, or you develop a fever because that is a sign of infection.”

He left wordlessly after that, pissed off, but Benj felt accomplished, albeit bad about it.

Avery let out a breath. “T-thank you. He was intense.” Benj nodded. “Yeah. He was right though.” Avery rolled her eyes at him and sighed again. She would have to suck it up and get dressed now. She hadn’t wanted to think about how painful that would be. “I know, but I have to do this, Benj.” He nodded, if only to not start another argument over it. He had nothing nice to say about her decision and she knew that. The silence afterward was extremely loud.

“I should probably change.” She said quietly. Benj began to wonder if her voice was ever going to go back to the way that it was before last night, or if it was going to stay mangled and broken, raspy and coarse. It made him sad that he cared, but he did. Nothing seemed real at the moment. The fact that he was going to drive her home like this was daunting. He felt like a terrible person for it.

“Okay. I’ll give you a moment alone.” Avery nodded but panicked as he reached the door. “No, stay in here…Just pull the curtain?” She asked. He turned and frowned, but nodded, going to pull the curtain around the bed. “Sure,” He obliged.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t want to be alone here.” She told him. “I understand. I don’t like hospitals much. Which is crazy because I work in one.” Avery sighed as she realized the gown was tied around the back. She awkwardly popped her head out of the curtain. “Will you untie this gown? I don’t think I can get to it.” Benj smiled at her and nodded. “Of course. Turn around.” She pulled the bottom portion around her and held it with one arm and let him push the curtain aside to untie it up at the nape of her neck.

When his fingers brushed her skin, she felt electricity course through her and shivered. “Sorry, are my fingers cold?” He asked. She shook her head. “No.” She blushed, but he only accepted her answer and pressed no further, and she was grateful. “All done.” She turned and flashed him a small smile. “Thanks.” He pulled the curtain closed again and she took the gown off, lifting the sweatshirt over her head and pulling it down, wincing and letting out a cry. It hurt to stretch her arms up. It felt like someone had stabbed her in the belly.

“You alright?” Benj asked.

“Yeah,” She lied, leaning against the bed to catch her breath. The room had started to spin and she felt like she was going to faint. “That sounded like a lie…” He mused aloud. Avery shook her head, but it didn’t help. She felt woozy and sick. “Avery?” He called. She heard the curtains being pulled back and was glad the sweatshirt he gave her fell midway down her thighs.

“Hey, let’s get you back on the bed,” He suggested, hand on her back as he guided her up onto the bed. She shook her head, sitting on the edge. “I can’t lay back down, Benj. Then I’ll never get back up.” He rolled his eyes toward the ceiling and reached out to steady her before she toppled off of the bed. “You’re high on pain meds, in a lot of pain, and just came out of a coma a couple days ago, Avery. You need your rest.” She nodded slowly.

“I’ll get some rest. At home.” Benj sighed. “Can you…help me with the pants?” She asked, feeling embarrassed. “I can’t bend down. I’ll probably die.” Benj snatched the sweatpants from the bed beside her and began to kneel down to gently put her feet through them, shimmying them up her legs. “That’s not funny. Don’t say things like that.” Avery wanted to laugh at him, but knew that would only hurt her ribs more than they already hurt.

He stood back up and held his hands out for Avery to take. She took them hesitantly. “Ready?” He asked her. She nodded, and he tugged her into a standing position, reaching down to pull the sweats up on her. Once they were up on her waist, he gently sat her back down on the bed. “You’re good at that.” She told him.

“I know.” He answered. “I’m going to go and ask for a wheelchair. I don’t trust you to walk to the car.” He was being short with her now. It made her sad in a way she had never been sad. “Benji?” She called quietly. He turned back toward her. “Hm?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make a joke out of this.” He sighed. “It’s okay.” Her stomach sank. His answer reaffirmed the fact that he was angry. “B-but you seem mad.” She couldn’t help herself from saying it. “I’m not mad. I’m just trying to bite my tongue a little. I’ve got a lot I want to say but I know that I have no leg to stand on. That’s all.”

“Say it then. Spit it out.” She told him. “I don’t like this and I want you to stay here until they tell you it’s safe to leave.” He said it like she hadn’t heard it before. From him and from the doctor and from the damn papers. She knew it was a shitty idea to leave but she had no other option. “Is that really it? You already said that.”

“I don’t believe you when you say that you don’t remember what happened to you. I don’t believe that it was an isolated incident, and I don’t trust that diner where you work. I went by your place that night, the night you didn’t show, and the diner was closed early. You weren’t there or at your apartment. Where were you?” He asked. Avery felt her heart in her throat.

“I d-don’t remember what happened, Benj, I really don’t.”

“I don’t believe that, though, Avery. It’s just too suspicious. I’ve been keeping it to myself, but don’t think I haven’t noticed the bruises, and the way you flinch at everything. I know you’re in some sort of trouble and I’m not going to act like I don’t see it.”

“Okay, enough. Alright. You’ve said enough.” She stopped him from speaking more about what he noticed and didn’t notice. She didn’t want to tell him what went on at the diner. She wouldn’t tell him. It surprised her that he straight out asked her all of these questions when she thought that she had hidden it so well. Maybe she wasn’t as smooth as she thought she was. Maybe she was getting sloppy. She was just so tired of everything; she couldn’t keep up with anything anymore.

“Have I?” He asked her. She nodded. “Yes. Stop it. Please. I get it, you’re curious. I don’t know why the diner was closed early, okay? I truly don’t. This…this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. I wasn’t trying to hide it or anything, I just—I just didn’t bring it up. I’m a mess, Benj. I know what you think you see when you look at me, but it isn’t like that. I’m…I’m not normal.”

“I don’t want normal; I just want some context.” Benj really didn’t feel like he was asking her too much. He had been here for her and was even willing to help her do something stupid because he wanted her to be happy. But he didn’t know what was going on and all of the vague answers from her were making him think she was in more trouble than he originally thought. He wanted to help her if she was in danger.

“I got involved with some bad people…and I’m paying the price for it.” She said quietly. “Please believe me. All you see right now are the consequences to my actions.” Benj shook his head and came to stand in front of her, taking her hands in his. “No. You don’t deserve to hurt like this no matter what you’ve done, Avery. If these bad people are out to get you, you need to tell someone. The police—”

“No police. Never. No. Benj, listen to me, I don’t want your help with that part. I just want to get home. Please don’t…read too much into things. Let’s keep things easy breezy.” Benj laughed. “Easy breezy? Avery, you could have died. There’s nothing easy about that. You exist for a reason and it would be a shame if this world lost you.”

“Why do you say things like that?” She asked him. “Because it’s what I feel. Sometimes I like to say what I feel. Think you can handle that?” Avery nodded and sighed, feeling the tension leave her body. Even though they had just argued passive aggressively, she still liked him. She liked that he cared about her. She liked that he had stayed by her side and made sure she was alright.

Benj bent down to press a light kiss to the top of her head and stepped away from her. “I’m going to get a wheelchair. Don’t move.” Avery was too shocked by the sweetness of him kissing her head to speak, even as he left the room and closed the door lightly behind him.

***

“Do you have a preferred pharmacy you want me to drop this off at?” Benj asked Avery once he had closed the door and reached for his buckle, handing her the prescription and discharge paperwork he had in his hand. Avery took the papers with a shaky hand and shook her head.

“No.” Benj finished buckling and started the car. “The seat adjusts if you’re uncomfortable.” Avery didn’t move, though. Benj scratched the back of his head and sighed. “Well, I go to the one down the street from my apartment. I could take it there?” He suggested. Avery shook her head slowly.

“I don’t have insurance, Benj. I can’t afford them. Just…just take me home? I would really like to rest now.” Benj frowned and shook his head. “You need your pain medication, Avery, you have a lot of serious injuries and you had surgery. Antibiotics you have to take and steroids to boost your immune system. You can’t just not have them; you need your medicine.”

“Stop yelling at me!” she finally cut him off as she felt a migraine creeping on slowly. “I wasn’t yelling. I was freaking out, I’m…I’m sorry. I can help you get them, Avery. It’s no big deal.” Avery didn’t like where this was going. She didn’t want him to pay for her medicine for her. For all she knew, the pills could be expensive. She didn’t want to have to owe him back for it. She would never be able to settle the debt and she hates owing people things.

“I don’t want you to do that. I really truly do not. I just want you to take me home.”

Benj turned the car off and took the key out of the ignition then. “No. I refuse. I refuse to take you home without your medication, Avery. Either you suck it up and let me fill your prescription, or we will sit here in this car until we are both dead.” She glared over at him.

“I thought you said you’d help me?”

“I did. I am. I already didn’t want you to leave the hospital and now you want me to drop you off to let you suffer alone with nothing to remedy the pain? Screw that, Avery, I don’t know what type of guy you think that I am, but I’m definitely not that guy. I mean it when I say I want you safe and healthy. Seriously, I would not be able to live with myself if I took you home and left you there and something happened that I could have prevented.”

“I don’t want you to do this for me, Benj. I don’t. I just want you to drive me home—”

“Oh, I got that, Avery. I said I’m not doing it.” Avery felt like crying. She was frustrated with him, but did she even have a right to be frustrated? He was just trying to help her and she was being difficult, but she didn’t like the prospect of him buying things for her—even if they were things that she needed. She didn’t want to start to rely on another man for what she needed because she had learned that every single time she trusted a man, it backfired and blew up in her face. She liked Benj. She didn’t want him to go away. She didn’t want him to turn into someone that she hated. She was just trying to prevent that from happening, but he was just as hard headed as she was.

“F-fine.” She whispered. “What was that?” He asked her. “Fine.” She said a little bit louder, reaching to put her seat belt on and sighing, laying her head on the window and staring out of it. Benj started the car and drove in the opposite direction of her apartment in silence.

***

“Benj…” He turned to her before he could open his door. Avery had tears in her eyes. He thought that maybe she was in pain and went to open his door again, but then she spoke. “This doesn’t get any easier.” She whispered. He frowned and turned back to her. “What do you mean?” He asked. She sighed and shrugged.

“It’s just that…Things aren’t going to be easy if you keep pursuing me. My life is one mess on top of another and you’re bound to get caught in the crossfire. You don’t—you don’t have to be here anymore. You didn’t sign up for any of this, a-and I don’t want you to get hurt. You deserve the very best in this life, and I can’t give you that.”

“Avery, stop it. I know what you’re doing, but just stop it, okay? I’m here. I’m going to be here. I’m choosing this, okay? I don’t care what I get caught in; you’re worth it.” Avery felt more tears slide down her cheeks. “But you’ll hate me, Benji. You will.” He shook his head.

“Not a chance. You aren’t scaring me off Avery. I’m not about to make it that easy for you.” He was persistent and he didn’t mind a challenge. He knew that Avery was probably just trying to protect him from the things she thought were ugly about herself, but he didn’t want to be protected. He wanted to protect her, instead. It seemed like she needed it. She needed him, and he liked the feeling of being needed. He liked not feeling useless, and being around her gave him a purpose.

“Look at me,” He beckoned softly. She couldn’t do anything but to look into his bright hazel eyes when he used that tone. “I wanna be with you. I want to protect you. I want to make you happy. I want to be here for you. I don’t know why I want these things, but I do.”

Avery wanted to believe him because he sounded so serious and sincere, but her brain wasn’t going to let her. She barely knew him, and although he had shown her nothing but kindness and showed he really cared about her, she still couldn’t fully trust him. It made her sad that she couldn’t.

“I just don’t want to hurt you, Benji.” She whispered. He shook his head. “I’m a grown man, Avery. I can handle being hurt. It’s okay. Will you let me make my own decisions about who I want in my life? Or do you really want me to leave you alone?” Avery shook her head. “No, I don’t want that.” She told him quickly. She felt panicked after he asked her this, as if he would just disappear. She knew it was silly, but Benj felt like a figment of her imagination and she was just waiting for the day that he went poof and she was once again alone in the world.

She looked out of his window and to her apartment and felt a shiver run down her spine. She did not want to go back there. She wanted to stay in Benj’s warm car forever with him because he made her feel secure, but she knew things couldn’t be like that. She had to get out and go back to her crappy life of being a slave, and he had to go back to his fancy life of being a doctor and professional do-gooder. They lived in two different worlds, but she liked the moments where they collided because she swore she could see sparks whenever it happened.

“Okay, then let me be here for you. No more talk about how difficult you think you are, alright? You’re an absolute delight and I don’t care how messy you are—I want you.” Avery sighed and nodded, feeling butterflies in the pit of her stomach at his words. “Okay.” He climbed out of the car and Avery watched as he rounded the front of the car to open her door for her and offered her a hand. She took it gingerly and let him help her get out of the car slowly, placing a hand on the small of her back and keeping her hand in his other as he led her from the sidewalk and up to her door. She pulled out her keys with shaking hands and he took them from her and unlocked her door for her, pressing them back into her hand with a tight smile.

“I’ll be back tomorrow to make sure you’re okay. Just to let you know.” He told her. She turned toward him and smiled as he handed her the bag of her medication, discharge papers, and stuffed bear he gifted her earlier. She was going to step inside when he suddenly enveloped her in a gentle hug. She was shocked at first, but then returned the hug, thinking that he probably gave the best hugs in the world.

He was just so warm and genuine—she felt herself falling head over heels for his charm. He pulled away after a moment and cleared his throat. “Sorry. I just thought I was going to lose you a-after just finding you. I was serious about wanting to know you, Av. I want you to stick around forever. So…so if there is something going on across the street, you can trust me. You—you don’t have to tell me, but if you ever feel like you need help, I’m here.” He stepped down from her porch.

“Goodnight, sweet girl.” He conceded before he turned and walked back to his car, climbing inside and starting the engine. He waited until Avery had stepped inside to pull off and start the drive home, letting himself cry for Avery when he had turned the corner, wishing that he knew what was going on so that he didn’t have to feel so anxious and worried.

He didn’t think he was going to get any sleep tonight.