Five
2071 Words
"I’m a slave to my emotions, to my likes, to my hatred of boredom, to most of my desires."
Napatitig si Keros sa litrato ni Hydra matapos basahin ang caption sa ibabang bahagi ng litrato nito.
'Bakit kahit malungkot ang hitsura mo, maganda kapa rin sa paningin ko?'
Nalipat ang tingin nya sa kasunod nitong litrato, tinitigan nya muna ito bago binasa ang caption na nakasulat sa ibaba.
"I understand that nobody understands me, but I can’t be someone I’m not.”
'Ako! Naiintindihan kita. Kaya nga kahit ganyan ka minahal kita! Ay mali, mahal na pala kita!'
Hinalik halikan nyang picture nito saka inilapit pa sa dibdib nya.
'Hay sana, totoo na lang na girlfriend kita! para mahalikan kita, hindi ganito na nagtyatyaga lang akong halikan ang pictures mo.'
"I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood."
'Pambihira! Bakit kaya ganitong nararamdaman ko, parang ang lungkot ng buhay mo? Kaya ba ganyan ang ugali mo?'
Napatuwid ang pagkakaupo ni Keros sa sofa ng mabasa ang kasunod na pahina ng diary ni Hydra.
"To the man I can't have.
The very first time I saw you, I never thought that I would fall in love with you. Didn't even thought that I would see you again and much more to have a conversation with you, but it did happened.
How could I not fall in love after having to know you?
With those sweet smile and tender looking eyes.
With those laughters and deep conversations that we've shared.
For always being there every time I feel down.
How could I not treasure those memories that we had even if it's for a short period of time.
How could I not wish that it will not end, that I could be with you forever.
I admit, I never intend to fall in love with you, but without even knowing I realize that I want to be with you. I want to know you more. I want to see your face and to hear your voice. I want to know how's your day went and to know all your thoughts. But then, I remind myself that I can't have you.
I can't have you in a way that we have so many differences in life. I can't have you because you finally have someone who's so dear to you. Someone who will be with you all the time. Someone who can hear all your thoughts. Someone who will care for you. How I wish I could be that someone, but I am not.
I already accepted the fact that I cannot have you. Our paths are just meant to cross to know you, and I'm still glad that it did happened. Because I experienced and learned alot of things from our encounter. Even we didn't end up together I'm so glad that I have met you, and wherever you are or whoever you are with I wish you all the happines in the world.
"Thank you for letting me know you."
Napapalatak pa si Keros pagkatapos basahin ang madamdaming sulat ni Hydra.
'Tangna! Kaswerte naman ng lalakeng minahal mo. Pero thank you na rin kasi hindi kayo nagkatuluyan kasi ako ang nakatadhana sayo.!'
Kaylapad ng pagkakangiti nya ng ilipat sa susunod na pahina ang Diary.
'Grabe, ang ganda mo talaga! Bagay na bagay tayo kasi hindi lang ako gwapo at macho, malaki pang akin hehe! O, wag mag isip ng kung anong mahalay ha! Yung malaki ay ang aking puso, na inaalay ko para lang sayo mahal ko!'
Paturo turo pa si Keros sa picture ni Hydra, ini imagine na lang nya na kaharap ang dalaga, at face to face silang nag uusap
"Forget me not..
We’ve been here before, we’ve been here too many times I lost count. I said goodbye, you said goodbye but it was never really goodbye. We keep on saying goodbye that the word has lost its meaning. We overdid it that now, it makes no sense at all.
I could name a hundred thousand reasons why we will never work and yet I keep on clinging to that one little hope that maybe we would. That hope kept me going, it made me held on to a rope that was never even tied to anything and I realize that I was still falling deeper and deeper until I hit the ground.
The loud thud shook my very being hard to the core. I hit my head and it woke me up to the truth I kept closing my eyes on. I lied awake on the pavement staring at the reality that I was in all this time. I trusted that you will never let go of the rope so I let myself fall. But I missed the fact that you pushed me down the rabbit hole. Why did you?
I have about a million questions running through my mind. And in the beginning, I was looking for answers that I luckily found but it was never the answer that I actually wanted so I ignored it.
But time really heals
I still come across these same old questions every now and then but I no longer care about the answers. They don’t matter anymore.
This is by far the longest ride and the most tiring journey I’ve ever been on in my entire life. It was fun when it first started until I realized that this is just a journey. That’s it. There’s no destination, it’s going nowhere. It’s a waste of time, a waste of energy, and a waste of resources. But there were lessons — a lot of them.
The moment I decided to step out of the journey that was us, is the same moment I felt the most uncomfortable.
It was hellbent scary, a tad bit lonesome, and overtly agonizing.
It was something I never want to go through again. Not in this lifetime, no. But you know how they say that growth starts to happen once you step out of your comfort zone? Yeah, me too.
Growth hit hard. I was forced to do the same things we used to do, only this time I was alone with myself. It was mostly days and nights of me crying myself to sleep, then waking up to my alarm only to start crying again. God, it was awful. I was full of self loathing and pity, I was drowning in a sea of everything that hurt.
I had to stay afloat so I could stay alive, to keep my head up so I could breathe — and god, I could not breathe. I kept gasping for air after air and that made me realize that I have always loved the sea. And that when there’s a sea, there’s a shore. I had to learn how to swim and so I did. I swam tirelessly for months and months on end.
They said a smooth sea never made a skillful sailor but I’m no sailor and so I was carried away back to where I was drowning when tsunamis of you came crashing in. I was drowning in my misery again. The good thing about learning a skill though is that once you learn it, it’s yours. You might get a bit rusty but it’s ingrained within you and with a little bit of practice you’ll be back on track in no time.
I did choke on a few salty tears from the sea water but I still remember learning how to swim. And that was it. I kept swimming like what Dory told me to do. Every now and then a sea storm comes but I never let it drown me. I swam with the waves, I kept going, I rest more than I should sometimes but I never stopped.
And now I can see the shore. Finally. I am almost there and for months on end that I’ve been swimming in this vast sea of pain, I can actually tell when another surge of huge waves is about to come. I know and I feel that another one is coming soon. The water is receding with quite a mighty force. So I swam faster,
paddling my feet harder, my arms reaching farther as I pull myself.
Few more laps and I’m there. You can’t touch me no more. You can’t pull me back. I can feel the sand in my feet but I’m still too tired to start walking and so I will crawl until I reach the fine sand of freedom. I will crawl until I can feel the sand on my face and bathe in the warmth of the sun shining down on me.
Someday I’ll be able to pull myself together and gather all my strength and stand on my own two feet. I will walk away from all the things that have hurt me. And slowly I will starting running — no, not away from you. But towards myself and someday I will climb a mountain so high, I’ll see the world at the top. I’ll see all the beautiful city lights. I’ll watch the sunrise and the sunset in the sea of clouds, way there up high.
And maybe on a cloudless day, I’ll rest up there watching the sea that used to drown me and I’ll remember each and every stroke it took for me to get here.
But for now, as I lay all these pain and feelings to rest, as I slowly let the wind dry my tears, as I let your little waves touch my feet while I walk the long shoreline of our memories, I’ll let you catch on the trail of my foot prints in the sand I’ve left behind. The waves will keep coming and fading on the shore endlessly and slowly, slowly
it’ll wash away every part of me I willingly gave and you callously took.
It might take some time before I reach the end of this shore line but that’s okay, time is all I’ve ever really had. Perhaps, I’ll stop and rest and build some castles on the sand on my way out of here, who knows what empire I might start but then again maybe not. But whatever it is that’s out there, I am off to catch it. I don’t mind that you mind, caution was thrown into the wind a long long time ago.
This closes the chapter of your story in my book. Time allowed me to devour pages of you, nothing but you. I am now ready to turn the page and see what happens next and I hope you do too. The sun is about to set and I will always be chasing it but now would be the perfect time for me to bid my final good bye to you. All is well, all will be well.
By the way, remember the rope I held on to for so long? Yes, that one. I’ll cut the cord, so please let go. Thank you.
Dylan ?
'f**k! Sinong Dylan naman yun? Ang gagong yun, sinaktan ang babaeng pinakamamahal ko!.'
Kaagad nyang dinampot ang celpon nya't tinawagan si Griffin. Ng sumagot ito, kaagad nyang sinabi ang pakay.
"Singkit, alamin mong lahat tungkol kay Dylan."
"Dylan! What's the surname moron?"
"I don't know, basta ang alam ko lang ex sya ni Girlfriend."
"Girlfriend? Ah you mean, Hydra Ducleff ex boyfriend."
"Hmmmm."
"What about him? Why suddenly your interested about this guy?"
Habang nagtatanong si Griffin sa kanya lalo lang syang naiirita, at napapansin din nyang simula ng maging girlfriend nya si Hydra nagiging sensitive na rin sya.
"Andami pang tanong, stismoso ka talaga! Just do it! "
"Haizt, ok! Ok!. Consider it done in 30 minutes, I'll email you later, bye."
Sinara nyang Diary ni Hydra sinigurado nyang naibalik nyang lock nito sa ayos, bago tumayo at naglakad palabas ng bahay. Siguradong hinahanap na ngayon ni Hydra ang Diary nito, kaya kailangan na nyang isoli sa tunay na nagma may ari ang hawak nya. Sapat ng mga nabasa at nalaman nya para maintindihan ang babaeng pinaka mamahal nya.
'Simula sa araw na ito, ako ng mag aalaga sa'yo! Kahit na fake boyfriend mo lang ako, kahit na fake love lang ang meron tayo, because...
"I just want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me."
? MahikaNiAyana
- Writer
