My invisible scars

7. May be after my death, they will love me? So let me commit suicide.

7. May be after my death, they will love me? So let me commit suicide. 

He pressed his fingers on my neck like he intended to kill me by strangling right on the spot. I hit my palms, scratched my broken nails on his wrist battling to get out of his nevertheless he was too mad to leave me easily. 

These swings of mood of his, from most calm to most angry would be the end of me today. I struggled to drew in a deep breath between his grip from my throat while his burning hard glare bore into my eyes. Although I struggled to set myself free, I hoped that he killed me today as I was fed up with this life. 

And I forced my lips into a smile as fireworks started appearing across my retina. This would last only as long as it took him to think of the most brutally cutting thing he could tear me down with. And after that I could kiss anything breakable goodbye. Which right now might just be my throat in his death clutch, it was so hard to tell and so pointless to struggle. 

So, like a loser, I let my body loosen and let him take control on me. My lungs were out of air and heart throbbed a few last times before I closed my eyes ultimately hoping it to be my death. Albeit, just like last time, before I could give up, he jerked me free on the bed. 

I coughed as tears slide down my eyes. I caressed my throat as the skin of my neck burned after being released with his lava like hot grip. Amidst my tears, I held a gaze with his eyes those were crying as crazily as like mine. I saw him gritting his teeth while he grumbled in a broken and heavy voice, "Next time if you dare to take her name with your tongue. I will surely kill you!" he warned me. 

His eyes were a knife in my ribs, the sharp point digging deeper. Where there had been hope of getting some love from him was now replaced by an emptiness, but not in any vulnerable sense. Uncomfortable with the void, he had filled it with an emotion he was more at ease with - raw anger. The unmoving gaze was accompanied by deliberate slow breathing, like he was fighting something back and loosing.

He looked defeated, tired and exhausted of this game. This hate and chase game that the two of us played. 

I laid on the bed letting my tears fill my eyes again. "Haven't had I told you that day to wait? Had not I promised you to bring a CD of that movie for you. Had not I asked you to wait for my return and that I would take you with me for the night show if not in the afternoon show? Then why do you have to go with her. Why Lillian, why?" standing a few inches away from the bed he kind of ranted as he cried. 

His words played in my mind repeatedly as I imagined him telling me the same thing all these years ago, on that day. He had indeed told me to wait and that she shall get me what I wanted, the movie, but I being a naive seven years old girl could not trust him. That was all because of him, because he never kept his promises. 

And I may have thought the same when I'd have asked Rosemary to take me there. But honestly, if I had the slightest idea that that day would be the end day and my last few moments of happy life then I had never dared to take her with me. 

"I had this intuition that something bad would happen. But I was sure how and that was why I asked the two of you to stay home in that moment. I wanted mom and dad to wait back too including myself, safe and secure in the house. But you were to stubborn Lilly. I wish if it was you who had died that day that my Rosemary. I wish it you whose death news had I got that day by mom. I wish if it was you who had to come in front of the bus than her!" he snapped on my face and dashed out of the dark blue door of my room, leaving me all by myself. 

Minutes passed and I stayed unmoved on the bed while Harry's words moved in my ears again and again. 

He was right, I should have been the one to die. I should have been the one whose death news was given to him. I should have been the one to collide with the bus and die. It has to be my dead body that the police brought in the ambulance with a crying Rosemary to the house while Harry and our parents watched it. 

It had indeed been me who have died if Rosemary had not come to save me. It was my death that she took it on herself and retired from this world forever. 

And if by any chance had I known that this was going to be my life after her death, and after that day then I had never called for her help. Never let her snatch my death away and go from this world. 

She not only left earth but also took away my happiness with herself. Because my parents and Harry, they only considered me alive as long as she had me by her side. 

They smiled at me only when she pulled their attention by taking me in her arms. 

Harry only talked to me only when I was with her. 

But now, it was just as anything but a normal routine. 

Now I was thrashed, beaten, bullied and insulted every other second in life just because Rosemary died. 

I hate you for this Rosemary, why do you have to go leaving me behind? 

Why did not you let my death take me or why did not you yourself took me with you? 

Life is just useless now. I wish to die, I want to die. 

Crying bitterly over my bothered existence on this planet, I stared at the machine that was beeping non stop. And my mind filled with the idea of killing my own self. 

I had seen in the movies how villains killed the protagonists by teasing the buttons on this machine. Exactly the same machine that I have seen beeping and moving with the lines of heart beats in the movies. And once a wrong button was pressed, the patient on the bed would heavily breathe and die. 

Could the same happen to me if I press a wrong button? 

The possibilities of having it happened and not happen rushed my mind. But on a serious note, how would I know it unless I see it myself? 

And with that thought, I left the bed and approached the beeping matching in my left hand trying my luck with the hope of dying this time, stay intact in my brain. Perhaps, they will love me after I am gone.

Tbc...