The Search

Chapter 25

Punong-puno talaga ng misteryo ang buhay.

Binabaan ako ng telepono ng lalaking iyon. Nang matapos ang duty ko hanggang sa makauwi ako ng bahay ay nasa isip ko pa rin iyon. Ang laki talaga ng pagtataka ko sa boses na iyon. Alam kong hindi ako nagkakamali, ngunit kailangan ko pa rin itong patunayan.

It was Saturday, there were no classes, but I have to go to school to check on our school paper. Maging sa publication team ay iilan na lamang kaming naiwan; siguro ay nasa sampu na lamang kami, mabuti na lamang at hindi kami iniwan ng mga SPA namin. Of course, they were disappointed about it, pero tuloy pa rin ang laban.

For how many weeks of hard work, finally, the school paper was done and ready for the competition. I had a big hope every page of this would win because our journalists were good, iyon nga lang ay nakakawalang-gana dahil kaunti na lamang kaming naghihintay sa resulta. Kung ako ngang bise presidente ay sobra-sobra ang panlulumo, paano pa kaya si Kye na sobrang taas ng expectation sa ngayong taon ng periyodismo?

"Congrats, journalists! All the hard work is paid off," pahayag ng head ng SPA. "Pasabak pa lang tayo sa contest proper, pero gusto kong malaman ninyo na panalo na kayo para sa amin. Whatever the result would be, we should celebrate, because you deserve some cheers. But still, we should pray and aim for high."

We clapped our hands as the head presented to us the finished school paper. Bakas ang saya sa bawat isa. Nakatutuwa lang din dahil kahit papaano, nagagawa pa rin naming ngumiti. Despite the dilemma we were facing, we were still able to show the world that we, the journalists, were conquerors. Ito naman talaga ang dapat taglayin ng isang tunay na mamamahayag, na kahit ano mang hirap ang dumaan, hindi ito tumatalikod at tumatakbo.

Baguhan pa lamang ako sa publication team, ngunit sobrang dami ko nang natutunan hindi lamang sa pagsusulat kung hindi pati na rin sa buhay. Journalism taught me to be strong in facing reality. It taught me to tell only factual. It taught me how to see life's different side. Higit sa lahat, tinuruan ako nitong mas maging maalam at mapanuri, lalo na sa kaso ni Mommy.

I'd been facing so many puzzle pieces that were indeed hard to complete. Nevertheless, I was still proud because I was able to see things from my own point of view. Sa bawat piraso ay may nakikita ako. Kaunti na lamang ay matutukoy ko na rin kung sino ang dahilan ng lahat ng kaguluhan na ito.

It was lunch time at dalawa na lamang kami ni Kye ang natira sa loob ng publication room. All the SPAs and our co-journalists went home already. Balak ko na rin sanang umuwi nang makapagpahinga na ako, ngunit pinigilan ako ng lalaking ito.

"Where are you after this?" he asked without looking at me. Nakaupo siya sa kaniyang table at nakatutok sa librong binabasa niya.

"I was supposed to go home," I answered while holding the doorknob, "pero pinigilan mo ako. May sasabihin ka ba? May kailangan pa bang gawin?"

He put down his book and looked at me. "Are you free today?"

"A-ah... bakit?"

I couldn't see myself but I knew I was blushing. Hindi ako makatingin sa kaniya nang diretso dahil kinakabahan ako sa tanong niya. Why was he asking me such a question? Nanginginig na nga ako, mas lumala pa nang tumayo siya mula sa kaniyang kinauupuan at lumapit sa akin.

"You know, I have so much hope with this school year's campus journalists, but you see what just happened." Bakas sa mukha niya ang pagkadismaya. "But still I'm thankful 'cause we finished the school paper on time. And so, I wanna celebrate with you."

Parang biglang may bumara sa aking puso't nahirapan akong huminga.

He offered his hands to me. "Would you like to celebrate with me, too?"

Napalunok ako. I didn't know how to respond to his question because he was kinda strange to me. Totoo bang inaaya niya akong lumabas? It felt like I was just dreaming because he wasn't used to be like that.

"Yes, sure."

Hindi ko namalayan ang sarili kong sumagot na lamang ng ganoon sa kaniya. Nakakainis kasi siya, hindi ko na sana siya gusto, pero ganito ang ipinapakita niya sa akin. Paano ko siya kakalimutan kung ganoon? Paano ako maiinis sa kaniya kung mas nakakakilig naman siya? I admit it, I was still attracted to him because he was a different man.

I was supposed to drive my own car going to the restaurant he recommended to me, but he told me I should ride with him in his car, and we would be returning to the campus after. Nakakahiya namang tumanggi, kaya pumayag na rin ako sa gusto niya. Total, minsan lamang ito sa maraming taon, at baka nga hindi na maulit.

"What would you like to eat?" he asked when we finally took our seat.

"Uhm, kahit ano," naiilang kong sagot. "Ano bang meron dito?"

"Here's the menu," abot niya sa akin n'on, "go and feel free to pick what you like."

"Any recommendation?" I asked as I was looking at the menu.

"Everything is recommended, I couldn't even choose."

"Oh, okay. Sige, ako na lang ang bahala."

After some time, nakapili na rin ako ng gusto kong kainin. Pinili ko lamang 'yong pinakamura dahil hindi sapat ang dala kong pera. Kung tutuusin ay wala namang mura dahil lahat ng potahe nila sa restawran na ito ay presyong-ginto. Mukhang pang-isang buwan na budget ko na iyong isang serving nila rito.

Habang naghihintay sa pagkain ay patingin-tingin na lamang ako sa kabuuan ng lugar. I was too shy to start the conversation. Hindi naman kasi madaldal itong kasama ko, kaya nahihirapan din akong dumaldal.

"How are you?"

Mula sa counter ay naibaling ko ang aking atensyon kay Kye. Sa wakas ay nagsalita na rin siya. "Okay lang," sagot ko sa tanong niya. "Thank you for asking."

"You seemed distracted, okay ka lang ba talaga?"

"Ako? Distracted? Hindi ah," pilit kong tawa. "Swear, I'm fine. Ikaw ba?"

He was about to speak when the crew served us the food, kaya hinintay niya muna iyon na maihain bago siyang muling magsalita. "Not okay, but that's okay."

"Still about the jour-"

"No," he cut me off.

"Oh, sorry."

He let out a deep sigh. "It's because I can feel you lying to me, and it hurts more than it hurts knowing you're tryna hide your pain to me."

Napaangat ang mga kilay ko. Why was he speaking to me like that? Kung tutuusin, wala naman dapat siyang dapat tanungin sa ikinikilos ko pagdating sa kaniya dahil ito ang dapat. We were not that close and opening up things with him would just make the atmosphere awkward.

"I'm sorry," he said when he noticed me having a hard time coping with what he was showing to me of a sudden. "Let's just eat. Don't mind me."

Inabot ko ang baso ng tubig, saka uminom nang kaunti habang tinitingnan siyang kumain; in everything, he was gentle, maging sa pagkain. Unti-unting gumuhit sa mga mapupula kong labi ang ngiti. "Are you concerned about me?" hindi ko napigilang tanong.

Bahagya siyang nag-angat ng ulo. "What if I told you yes?"

Ramdam kong nag-init ang buong mukha ko. "Ang sarap pala ng mga pagkain dito, 'no?" pagliliko ko sa usapan. "First time ko kasing magpunta dito sa restaurant na 'to. Kung matagal ko lang na alam 'tong lugar na 'to, baka nadala ko pa dito si Mommy."

Tumikhim siya at nag-ayos ng postura. "This restaurant really hits different," he said. "Ever since, dito na talaga ako kumakain. Sometimes I am with Mom and Dad, but more than often, I am just all by myself. You know, it's better to be alone."

"Yes, it's good to be alone," I said, "but it's much better to be alone with the one you really like."

"Have you already experienced it?"

"No, not yet," iling ko.

"Then, why are you saying those things?"

"Well, I guess from other's experience? Hindi lang naman kasi tayo natututo sa sarili nating karanasan kundi pati na rin sa iba. But honestly, iba pa rin ang pagkatuto kapag sa 'yo mismo nangyari," sambit ko."That's why I wonder how it feels to be alone with someone close to your heart..." I placed my arms at my lower chin and looked above.

Sa totoo lang, I never had any boyfriend before, that was why I didn't know how it feels to be in a relationship. May mga nanligaw naman, pero hindi sila pumasa sa akin at mas lalo kay Mommy. Pinagbabawalan din kasi ako noon ni Mom na makipagrelasyon lalo na't nag-aaral pa ako. Hindi naman ako nagreklamo dahil maging ako ay hindi pa handang pumasok sa isang relasyon. Buong akala ko nga'y matitiis kong mag-isa nang ilang taon, ngunit habang tumatanda ako ay parang may hinahanap ang puso ko.

I thought I needed someone who would hear my rants. I thought I needed someone who would ask me how I feel. I thought I needed someone who would be there for me whether in the happiest moment of my life or in the darkest.

Nang matauhan ako sa sinabi ko ay dali-dali akong nag-ayos ng postura. Talagang sa wala pang pakialam sa pag-ibig ako nagsalita?

"I'm sorry, just don't mind me as well," I told him.

"They said experience is the best teacher, no doubts, that's right," he said as he put down the knife and fork he was holding. "And that you said we can also learn from other's experience, well said. I didn't have any experience with what you're telling me but based on other's, I could say it's a happy feeling, especially when that person you are being alone with is the right for you."

"Wow, you're talking about love..."

"You think I don't?" he let out a soft chuckle. "I really don't talk about love. It's the first time and I honestly don't know why... maybe because I am with you?"

My eyes widened. "W-what does it have to do with me?"

He looked at me directly in the eye. "After I told you the reason, will you just forget about it?" he asked.

"U-uhm... okay, sure? What is it?"

He drew his face closer to me. "It's because you're worthy to talk with about love..."