The Search

Chapter 26

Why was he talking like that?

It was getting dark already, but instead of going home, I was having a walk with Kye. Kaaalis lamang namin sa restawran, ngunit nasa isip ko pa rin ang mga binitawan niyang salita. Sinabihan niya ako na kung puwede ay kalimutan ko na lang iyon, eh paano kung ayoko?

Kababalik lang din namin ng kotse ko sa campus. Tinanong ko siya kung puwede na akong umuwi dahil nahihiya na rin ako sa kaniya kasi siya ang sumagot ng bill ko, pero ito ang sagot niya: "Will you stay with me, just for this day?"

Sino ba naman ako para tumanggi?

Kye wasn't the man who will always talk, but I didn't find him boring. He wasn't always the man who will always crack jokes, but I was happy with him. He wasn't a perfect man, but he was ideal. Kaya kahit ilang oras ko pa lamang siyang nakakasama, pakiramdam ko ay kilalang-kilala ko na siya. I was enjoying being with him, so as he requested, I stayed with him.

Hindi ko sinasabi ang mga bagay na ito dahil kasama ko siya sa araw na ito, kundi dahil iyon ang nakikita ko sa kaniya sa araw-araw. Inaamin ko, at some part I was annoyed by him, pero hindi naman talaga nagbago ang pagtingin ko sa kaniya. I'd always liked him, especially when he tried saving my life and taking risks for me.

Gayon pa man, ayokong umasa.

The act he was showing to me was really strange. Kahit sino naman ay magtataka kung ang isang malamig pa sa yelo na lalaki ay bigla na lamang magkakaroon ng init sa isang araw.

Hinahampas-hampas ko ang aking kamay sa hangin habang naglalakad kami. Kahit na ilang oras na kaming magkasama ay nahihirapan pa rin akong unahan siyang magsalita. But because the atmosphere was awkward with that, I was trying my best to talk even though he wasn't responding.

"Noong nakita mo ako dito na naglalakad-lakad nang isang gabi..." panimula ko, "ano pala ang ginagawa mo dito n'on?"

"Haven't I told you I was just wandering around?"

"I can't remember," I answered. "Pero, bakit? I mean, gabing-gabi na n'on pero nasa labas ka pa rin. Akala ko hindi ka lumalabas ng bahay n'yo."

"Lumalabas-labas din ako paminsan-minsan, lalo na kapag nababagot ako sa bahay," walang emosyon niyang sabi. "And you, why were you out here that time?"

"Wala, masyado lang din akong nabagot sa bahay, kaya naisip kong lumabas."

"Aren't you with your best friend that night?" He looked at me while walking.

"Nope. Hindi naman sa lahat ng oras ay magkasama kami ni Psalm. Saka gabi na 'yon, kaya hindi na siya bumisita. Pero minsan, nagugulat na lang ako sa kaibigan kong 'yon kasi bigla-bigla na lang siyang sumusulpot sa gabi."

"For what reason did he tell you?"

"Sabi niya gusto niya lang daw akong bisitahin. Minsan naman ang sagot niya sa akin ay nababagot siya sa bahay nila. Baliw rin kasi iyon eh, kaya sanay na sanay na ako," marahan kong tawa.

Since that, he never talked again. He just let out a deep sigh.

"Anyway..." I uttered, trying to bring out a new topic, "how is your mom?"

"Mom is alright. Thanks for asking."

"Good to hear," I smiled. "Siya lang ba ang kasama mo sa bahay?"

He shook his head. "I'm also with my dad."

"Sana all," mahinang bigkas ko.

He stopped walking, kaya pati rin ako ay napatigil. Tiningnan niya ako sa mata, samantala'y sinusubukan kong umiwas doon. "Hindi ka ba natatakot na mag-isa?" tanong niya.

"B-bakit naman ako matatakot?"

He didn't talk.

"Kiddin'," I said. "Siyempre noong una natakot kasi hindi pa ako sanay. But there came a time na hindi ko na 'yon nararamdaman, kasi kapag patuloy akong mamumuhay sa takot, walang mangyayari."

"So, you're okay now?"

Ibinaling ko ang aking tingin sa daan, saka nagpatuloy muli sa paglalakad. "Of course, I ain't okay still," I answered. "Lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na sanay na ako, but deep inside, there's like something telling me na hindi pa ako okay sa ganito."

May ibinulong siya, ngunit hindi iyon umabot sa pandinig ko.

"Ano 'yon?" tanong ko.

"Nothing," he answered. "Would you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Just go ahead."

"How is the case going?"

Natigilan ako sandali. "Wala pa rin," sagot ko pagdaka. "The police told me the case was already closed kasi patay na rin naman si Marcus. Pero ayokong paniwalaan na sarado na ang kaso."

"How do you say so?"

"Not ready to say it out loud," I said. "You know... it only looks like I'm doing nothing, but I am really working silently on something."

Kung iisa ang gumuhit ng pangil sa pagkamatay ni Mommy at sa pagkamatay ng mga babae sa Luxvard, ibig sabihin ay buhay pa rin hanggang ngayon ang killer. At noong gabi sa agency, malakas ang kutob kong si Marcus ang nakausap ko. If that was the state, it would mean that he was still alive and that the case wasn't closed yet.

Ang hindi ko lang talaga maintindihan, bakit kailangan nitong gawin ang mga bagay na ito?

"Anyway, can we just change the topic?" I asked. It wasn't that it was stressing me, but because I didn't want him to catch the stress as well.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to open up that matter. I was just-"

"It's okay, you don't have to be sorry," I cut him off.

"Well, if you say so. By the way, it's dark now, what's your plan?"

"I'm not going home yet, I just realized it is fun to be with you," walang preno kong sagot. When I didn't hear him respond, I turned my gaze at him. I was surprised by his red face. Was he really blushing? "Hoy!" mahinang hampas ko sa braso niya.

He looked at me. "Why?"

"Eh, ikaw? Anong plano mo?" tanong ko.

"I'm not going home as well hangga't hindi ka umuuwi. If I'll leave you here, we're not sure something bad might happen to you. I don't want that."

My heart seemed to jump after hearing that. "Just tell me when you're tired, huh? Baka kasi pagod ka na, hindi mo lang sinasabi sa akin," pagliliko kong muli, makaiwas lamang sa pamumula.

"No, not yet."

I had the plan to invite him to buy some food because we were running out of topic, pero naalala kong wala nga pala akong pera. Sapat lang talaga iyon para sa pang-araw-araw kong gastos.

"Would you like to eat?" pag-aaya niya sa akin mayamaya. Speaking of...

"Kakatapos lang nating kumain," tawa ko.

"It's been an hour," he said. "You might be hungry again."

"Busog pa naman ako. Kaya ko pa naman," ngiti ko. "Ikaw? Nagugutom ka ba ulit?"

He nodded. "But you told me you're not hungry yet, so I won't eat. Ya know, ang pangit namn tingnan kapag ako lang ang kumakain sa ating dalawa."

Ayaw ko pa talaga sanang kumain, pero dahil gutom na raw ulit siya, napilitan din akong samahan siya.

Tinanong niya ako kung saan ko gustong kumain, pero ang sabi ko'y siya na ang bahala. Ipinilit niyang dapat suggestion ko rin naman daw ang masusunod, kaya ang ending namin ay sa isawan.

"Kumakain ka ba nito?" tanong ko habang pumipili ng ipapa-ihaw.

"Yes, I do."

I smiled. "Mabuti na lang pala. Akala ko kasi hindi ka kumakain ng ganito, eh."

"Actually, barbeque is my favorite street food."

Nagtaas ako ng kilay. "Talaga?"

Tumango lamang siya.

Habang naghihintay sa pagkain, umupo muna kaming dalawa sa gilid at nagkuwentuhan patungkol sa mga nangyari noong huling taon ng periyodismo. Bagot na bagot na ako sa usaping iyon, gusto ko naman ng bago, kaya nag-isip ako ng puwedeng pag-usapan.

"Naranasan mo na bang magka-crush?" tanong ko.

Hindi ko alam kung tama pa ba 'tong sinasabi ng bunganga ko, pero gusto ko talagang malaman. Besides, it would be an interesting topic.

He was about to answer when the barbeque vendor called us and informed us that the foods were ready. Pumunta muna siya roon at kinuha ang mga inihaw, pagbalik niya ay saka niya sinagot ang tanong ko.

"I didn't have any interest in that thing," malamig niyang sabi.

"So, simula talaga noong ipinanganak ka, hindi ka pa nagkakaroon ng crush?"

He shook his head.

"Alam mo ba sabi nila, kapag ang isang tao raw ay walang crush, ibig sabihin ay abnormal siya," sambit ko. "So, abnormal ka?"

Tiningnan niya ako nang masama. "I told you I'm just uninterested in that thing. Got more question?"

Napatikom ang bibig ko. "Uy, hindi ka naman mabiro."

"Was it a joke?"

I puckered my eyebrows. "Huh?"

For some time, no one of us dared to talk. We were just looking at each other, waiting for each other's reply. Nang mapagtanto namin para kaming mga tanga, pareho na lamang kaming natawa.

"Ang slow mo!" pang-aasar ko sa kaniya.

"Ako ba itong slow sa ating dalawa?" natatawang tanong niya. "I think it's you. I asked you if that was a joke, then you answered me with a 'huh.' So, you're the one who's slow."

"Ewan ko sa 'yo, basta ikaw 'tong magulong kausap." I glared at him.

Tuwang-tuwa ang puso ko kasi narinig at nakita ko siyang tumawa. He was so cute, especially when he's laughing. Natutunaw na nga ang puso ko kapag seryoso siya, kapag tumawa pa kaya? Good for him kasi kahit papaano, na-e-express na rin niya ang sarili niya.

"Anyway, going back to your question," he said, "I really didn't have a crush on someone because I don't believe in that thing."

"Anong hindi ka naniniwala?"

"Personally, when you're admiring someone, it means you love that something about her or him. That means, you don't only have a crush on her, but you feel love for her. Kaya hindi rin ako nagkaroon ng crush, kasi ayokong hanggang doon lang ang pakiramdam ko."

"What do you mean?"

"I wanna feel love, not only admiration," he said affirmed, as he turned his gaze at me. "Ayokong paghiwalayin ang dalawang bagay na 'yon. I want to feel them in just one person. Paano kung may mahal ako, pero may iba rin akong hinahangaan? Feelings are contradicting and somehow confusing. It will make the relationship complicated even when you only said that's a crush."

Napanganga na lamang ako sa sinabi niya. I wasn't able to talk because I was still thinking of what he had said. Sa sobrang ganda ng sinabi niya ay hindi ko na maintindihan. But in all fairness, he had a different point of view on love and admiration, and I liked it; it showed his maturity.

"Well, that means wala ka pang hinangaang babae?" tanong ko.

Sandali siyang hindi nagsalita. "Wala pa," mayamaya'y sagot niya.

Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ako dahil wala pa siyang natitipuang babae o malulungkot kasi minsan sa buhay niya ay hindi niya man lang ako napansin. Hindi na dapat ako nagugulat sa ganito niyang sasabihin dahil isa siyang Kye Vonnier. He was close to perfection, obviously, he would not settle for less and he would not set his standards low.

Pero, ako? Pangmataasan na standards ako, duh.

"But to tell you..." he continued, "parang may hinahangaan na akong babae ngayon."

I frowned. "Parang? So, hindi ka sure?" tanong ko.

Well, kung sino man ang babaeng iyon, napakasuwerte niya, pero hindi ako naiinggit. I knew I wouldn't be better than anyone, never ever, but I knew I was good enough and even more than enough. Hindi ko kailangang ikumpara ang sarili ko sa iba dahil alam kong may mga natatangi akong katangian na wala sa kanila. Kaya kung sino man ang tinutukoy niya, tanggap ko.

Ramdam ko ang malamig na paghaplos ng hangin sa aking malambot na balat. I was feeling every moment of the wind, not until I heard Kye respond to my answer.

"That girl..." he uttered, "she's the one I promised to protect."