forbidden desires

chapter 19

Ashley.

it was thanksgiving and I was sitting at Jake's families house trying to act proper. the heels killing my feet and the black dress I'd warn definitely wasn't comfortable but he told me they always dress up for holidays. usually I'd just wear jeans and a cute shirt. but I'm glad I didn't since he's in a button down and slacks and his mom is dressed to the 9s along with his brother and dad.

I'd calmed down after talking with Chase I knew I took it out on him. but hell it was partly his fault I mean he was down for anything and made me feel so good. made it feel like when I was being dirty I was the sexiest thing in the world.

Jake well let's just say our conversation about s*x didn't end the way I'd hoped. I'd told him I needed s little more attention down stairs and that maybe we could try new things. he agreed and when I tried talking dirty to him and tried to suck him off he wasn't really into it. I was glad I didn't calm him daddy because I'm sure he would've ran.

we'd had s*x a couple more times and they all ended the same way. id finally just decided I didn't actually need mind blowing organism to be happy. he was nice outside the bedroom and he was stable be knew he loved me there wasn't any back and forth the way chase had been.

I hadn't said it back to him but he always told me that was okay that I'd get there.

dinner was long and I was so ready to get out of here. it looked so lovely but tasted so bland. I only had a few bites and no one seems to mind.

there was talk of us getting married and I was shocked to say the least.

my only reply was I'd just like to be able to finish school first before I thought of marriage.

his mom smiled at that.

when I was leaving the restaurant I bumped into Bryan

" oh sorry"

I apologized and he grabbed my hand as I was turning to leave.

" look I know we don't know each other well but I'd get out of this while you can before you end up being his perfect wife and arm candy"

I looked at him confused and he shook his head

" just trust me. I know your a sweet girl but I can tell you are trying so hard to make him happy but you don't like happy. I live their perfect life at holidays but other than that I live my own life. so unless you are looking to be the perfect wife. quit your job for his image and only do things that have to do with work with him I'd stop seeing him"

" he'd never ask me to quit my job and I don't plan on working there forever. I just want to get through school to open a bakery "

he shook his head

" you aren't understanding. that won't happen if you marry him. if you stay with him you will be his wife and that's it."

and with that he turned and walked away.

as we left the hugged me goodbye and we were on our way to my aunt's for dinner with her. I was honestly starved for her food.

" Jake."

I said aloud getting his attention

" yeah babe?"

he looked at me smiling

" you'd never ask me to quit my job would you?"

he sighed

" well I mean it doesn't look good for my image in the company my girlfriend working at a bar but for right now it's okay. when we get engaged things would have to change and I mean I make enough to take care of you"

I was taken back he'd never said anything before

" and my dreams of the bakery?"

he sighed again taking my hand

" been talking with baby brother I see?"

I nodded slightly

" look Ashley I don't know how the future will go. but I mean you could always open it and we could pay people to work in it."

I pulled my hand back

" that isn't what I have planned"

he chuckled

" well plans do change but do we have to talk about this we're almost at your aunt's"

I just nodded looking out the window. maybe this relationship wasn't what I thought it was and maybe Bryan wasn't crazy.

I felt so much better being in my aunt's house. I was surprised that Ellie, her mom and chase were here. but even more surprised when Zack walked through the door. I hadn't seen him in so long be was off training at some baseball thing. I ran to him when he came through the door and hugged him tight he chuckled but spun me around.

" you missed me I see"

I laughed

" you have no idea. how was training camp? are you ready for the spring season? will you be getting to play"

he laughed pulling me in for another hug

" camp was amazing. I will be playing this season so I expect you to come watch but care to explain the stranger who looks like he wants to kill me?"

I giggled forgetting Jake was even here for a moment before I brought back over introducing the two as they shook hands

" well I feel underdressed with you two "

he joked and my aunt hugged him

" oh don't be silly she went to his family's home before coming to slum it with us. how are you Zack"

he smiled

" I'm good auntie. missed your food so I'm ready to eat"

she laughed hitting his shoulder

" well guys you heard the boy let's eat"

we all scattered sitting everywhere and anywhere and I made myself a plate since I was starved.

" you don't want to eat Jake there's plenty "

he waved his hand at her

" oh no ma'am we just ate I'm sorry. I'm surprised Ashley here is eating again"

he said making me look down some what in shame

" oh trust me she can eat more than you and I put together."

I glared at her begging her with my eyes to stop and thankfully she did. I looked around feeling eyes on me and I found chase staring at me.

I knew he probably had something to say but thankfully he didn't.

I just ate a little then brought my plate to the kitchen sighing out I don't think this is going to work and I don't know how to even tell him.

" you didn't eat much"

his deep voice brings me to the present and I shook my head turning to him

" please not today chase I can't handle much more"

he raised a brow at me

" Ashley"

he whispered but Zack came in

" girl go find some normal clothes were going riding"

this brought a smile to my face. that sounded like fun. just what I needed. they both laughed at my

excitement. I rushed up stairs finding some old jeans and a big shirt. when I pulled it over my head sighing shaking my head it still smelled like him.

" I always liked it on you better"

I blushed slightly

" didn't realize what it was. why are you always sneaking up on me?"

he shrugged and I turned looking at him

" you can go now im gonna change"

he bit his lip

" I've already seen it before"

I threw a pillow at him as he laughed closing the door. I pulled on a new shirt laying that one on my bed. truth be told I don't want to wear it outside because itll lose its smell.

when I came back down Jake was standing there confused and I forgot he was still here.

" we're gonna go riding if you wanna come?"

I asked looking down. damn I had to stop forgetting about him

" no thanks I think I'll stay here but you have fun"

I nodded bitting my lip looking at Ellie who thankfully saw and jumped in

" you know I'm not much for the fourwheeler either let's grab dessert then if you want I can walk you to the creek that's where they'll end up"

he just nodded as he kissed my cheek

" be safe"

I have him a smile

" always"

Zack and I headed out

" hey can I join"

chase hollered

" yeah come on"

Zack hollered back

we only had two so when we got there I looked at chase

" you driving or am I"

he laughed

" I'll let you handle this just don't kill me"

I nodded hoping on.

we rode for a while and it felt nice I didn't actually want to stop at the creek because I didn't know if he'd show up or not.

but Zack pulled in so I pulled in behind him

after finding a place along the rocks be looked at me smiling shaking his head

" what's with the stiff ash?"

my eyes went wide as he and chase laughed. they'd gotten along good since the camping trip. chase helped him out with the baseball just like he's said.

" he isn't stiff just I don't know more calm then we're used to I guess"

he shook his head

" no coach here is pretty chill but he seems like he's not much fun."

I shrugged I didn't really feel like getting into it.

" hey Zack mind giving us a minute?"

chase asked him and Zack looked between the two of us and I nodded letting him know I'd be okay. I know he didn't know what was going on but he was my best friend he was always on my side.

he walked down the creek a bit and chase looked around

" stay with me tonight?"

" excuse me? have you forgotten about my boyfriend or the fact that we aren't exactly friends"

he shook his head

" we will never be friends ash. we both know that. stay with me tonight. talk to me about everything that's going on. let me help you. and if you don't actually want to stay I can drive you home no matter the time."

I shook my head

" that isn't a good idea it feels wrong for one and I've got way to much going on to even cover in a night "

he grabbed my hand

" has he hit you Ashley?"

I shook my head sighing

" no but I'm positive he wants our future to be something completely different than I do and you are right I'm to scared to say anything "

" did you talk to him about the other"

I snorted

" I hate having this conversation with you. but yes I did"

he smiled

" and?"

" and what?"

" did it help?"

" chase. I really don't this this is appropriate."

" I'd like to take you out. I'd like to hang out with you. friends if that's what you want to call it but f**k I miss you Ashley the real you."

I didn't have a chance to say anything because Ellie and Jake showed up

" hey Ashley you about ready to head out it's getting late"

I dropped chases hand standing up

" uh honestly I think I'm gonna stay with my aunt tonight"

he looked at me confused

" can we talk in private Ashley?"

I nodded and follow him a little ways up.

" everything okay?"

he ask and I nodded

" look if this is about the conversation earlier we can always figure something out. but yes some of these things are important to my image. I can't help that"

I shrugged sighing

" it isn't just that. I just don't know if this is working things are moving so fast and I feel like you need a wife not a girlfriend"

he sighed taking my hand

" I kind of thought that's where we were headed baby"

I pulled my hand back

" not if we can't see eye to eye on such simple things as me working. I just need a little time"

he scoffed

" with your ex okay sounds like a plan. no Ashley I'm not leaving you with him"

I shook my head

" I wasn't asking and he has a home as well as I do so I am staying I need some time to figure this out"

he stepped closer lowering his voice

" if I find out the two of you spent the night together this is over Ashley "

I backed away Because he was starting to scare me

" I just need time Jake. it's only been like 3 months and your talking marriage but you wont talk about s*x"

he pulled back looking at me

" what about s*x? we've had s*x and it was amazing "

God he really never listened when I spoke did he?

" just go Jake. please"

he scoffed

" I love you Ashley but I won't deal with this for long "

I shook my head as Ellie grabbed my hand

" she's asking for time so you should give her that "

I was glad she was here but I hated she had heard all of that. now I just hope chase didn't.

chase.

man oh man. as soon as they walked in I wanted to pop something off to Mr Jake I wanted him to stand toe to toe to me without me having to be the one to throw the first punch because I knew ash would be upset.

the fact that he doesn't even know her eating habits after this long nor did he realizes or I guess probably just not care how uncomfortable she was trying to act so proper irritated the hell out of me.

when I went to check on her she had my shirt on with out realizing it. and damn I hadn't realized how much I'd missed that view.

sitting trying to get her to open up was hell but then he showed up. I could tell by the change in her face she was acting different. I sent Ellie over to help her out. I knew me being around wouldn't help her any no matter how bad I wanted to step in.

once they came back we went and told the my mom and her aunt that we were having a fire but they didn't care they were chatting away enjoying their evening

" Ashley where did Jake run off to?"

she looked down and sighed

" he went home auntie"

she nodded and looked at me I just shrugged I mean it wasn't my fault he didn't want to stick around. my mom sent me a look and I already knew what she was thinking but I really hadn't actually done anything.

we went back out and Zack Timmy and I started a fire as Ellie and ash sat talking

" look it isn't my business but when are you going make a move?"

my eyes were wide as Zack looked at me his face was serious

" what?"

" I'm not blind you know I've known for a while but it looks to me like she's trying to make herself happy with ole Jake and he seems like a d**k. I love my best friend I do. but doesn't mean she is right."

I shook my head.

" it's complicated really I had my chance and now trying to be her friend seems to be upsetting her more than I'm helping her"

I say as he shrugs

" I get it I do. I've been her best friend and put in the friend zone. I know she wouldn't ever look at me as more than a friend which is why I never tried but with you she's her self she's happy. I saw it last year before whatever happened but now with this guy she is trying way to hard but I think she thinks it's the way it should be. talk to her. be there for her because I honestly believe whatever has happened between y'all could be fixed."

I look at him then at her talking with Ellie. I mean I get it I do but what should I even say?

auntie.

I knew from the beginning that chase and Ashley had something then out of no where she became closed off and against relationships. Norma, chases mom told me it was because he told her he wanted her to live her college life and didn't want to hold her back. I didn't want want her to be unhappy in life so I let her do her thing. she seemed happy when she talked about Jake but seeing them together made me sad for her I knew he was going to try to make her into something she wasn't the first time I met him but I was going to let her learn on her own. now today seeing her look so uncomfortable I wasn't so sure. after he left I looked at norma and she sighed

" when will they just realize they should be together already?"

I sighed shrugging

" I don't know what happened last year but I know she isn't actually happy with Jake it's all over her face today. and the comments about her eating I'm worried this isn't going to end well for her she's always been so out spoken with everyone but him and now she just looks down and hides away."

she took my hand

" I tried to be who my husband wanted for many years I just hope she sees this before it's to late. I don't actually know what happened between her and chase either other than him wanting her to be able to live her life but I'm with you if they'd just go for it I think they'd both be happier "

I've raised the girl forever and I thought I'd done a good job. then this guy comes and starts making her change even If she doesn't see it we all do and I'm trying so hard not to push her to much because I'm scared if I do it'll make things worse. so for tonight I'm going to look the other way and try to let her find her happiness with her friends again and hopefully chase will man up and talk to her about whatever is going on.

Ashley.

sitting here around the fire chase made me my usual drink of vodka and juice and I just want to cry. I don't want to be so unhappy, but I feel like I'm broken, I've given him everything and I feel like he wants me to be someone I can't be. could I be happy just being on his arm while he runs a company? I don't honestly think so. then there's chase God he makes my brain hurt and makes me feel all the things I wish Jake would make me feel but then again when he did he broke me. he wanted me to live and I did I lived. I traveled and I went to parties I didn't see what the big deal was. because now I'm in a relationship and I feel less than. I feel like if I showed him my true self he would tell me I needed to change and I guess he has. we hadn't had s*x in a few weeks and I was thankful for that I could only fake so much. I wanted to feel alive again I want to be truly happy.

I looked at chase and he was already looking at me

" what I feel like you need to say something".

he sighed shaking his head

" wanna take a walk?"

I looked at Ellie and she nodded at me so I got up following chase.

" what is it chase?"

I finally asked after s little walking and I knew no one could hear us

" why do you show me your true self but not him?"

I was taken back I guess I really didn't know. I wiped the small tears that had fallen

" because I showed you the one side of me no one knows about and you didn't want it. you wanted me to live so I did and here I am now with a guy who claims to love me.."

I took a breath looking up willing myself not to cry

" he claims he loves me but I can't eat around him because he eats so little and when I do eat he makes comments about the food. when I ask about s*x he says its amazing and acts like I'm the crazy one for needed more. he wants to take care of me and wants to love me. but I feel like only if I'm this perfect side of myself and hell I don't even know because when I was myself you didn't want me"

he looks at me and I know I'm not ready to hear what he is going to say.

" you have had s*x with him but you never answered me. is he man enough to take care of your needs? does he make your legs shake when he's going down on you before hand? does he make sure you get off before him? does he clean you up after and hold you to let you know how truly amazing you are? does he support your dreams? does he feed you at times when he knows you are hungry like I did? I remember I ordered the class breakfast one morning because Zack said you hadn't eaten and you looked so lost. so sad. does he come watch you cheer and hold your hand during that stupid love story that you love to watch? does he know you like to read sexy stories late at night then need help getting off because you can't find the relief yourself? does he know you'd give up everything drop everything even a boyfriend just for a friend who wants to hang out? like the time you took Ellie shopping or the time to get her hair done even though you have other responsibilities. does he know how truly wonderful you really are or does he just see the face of you? tell me ash because I really need to know. I need to know if you want me to step in and take my chance of getting my own heart broken. because yes I know I f****d up a year ago. I know I let you walk away but in my heart I really thought I was right. I really thought you needed the chance to live."

I sighed wiping my face

" you have no right to ask me this chase. you broke me. I wanted to give it to you everything. I wanted to be happy with you but you pushed me away. I start dating and yeah maybe it isn't the best but I really don't know how to feel because I know how you make me feel I know what we could've had but you threw it away "

he takes my hands

" so talk to me just me and you because I know I f****d up but what do I need to do to get you to talk to me"

I stood there thinking I didn't want to actually tell him what was wrong. I didn't want to actually get into his with him so he could what laugh at me? tell me it was all my fault.