Just One Reason

Chapter 17.

Two weeks with no Mikael and I already miss him so damn much. Pakiramdam ko masisisraan na ako ng bait. Miss na miss ko na sya. But what could I do? Parang mas masakit pa ang isipin na makikita ko syang masaya sa iba kesa sana, hinayaan ko na lang sya na matutunan ako mahalin. I could have just let him show me what he really felt about me. What I am to him.

Naiisip ko na I could have just settle in the idea that he's already beginning to actually feel something for me aside from just caring since he really wanted to be with me in the first place. Sana hinayaan ko na lang sya.

He wanted to explain pero binalewala ko.

Friday night after work ay nag aya gumimik ang mga kasamahan ko. May ilan na may pasok bukas pero sumama pa rin sila. Napag usapan naman na namin 'to last wednesday so nagdala na lang ako ng damit. Ganon din ginawa ng iba.

Kumain kami ng dinner sa isang buffet style resto bago dumiretso sa isang bar around nine pm. Pito kami lahat at pinilit ko na lang na pasiglahin ang sarili ko. Besides, may magagawa ba ako? Ayokmaging kj. We all want to have fun.

Nasa kalagitnaan na kami ng pagkain nang mag vibrate ang cellphone ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit umasa ako na si Mikael iyon. Mariin akong pumikit bago tiningnan ang cellphone ko.

Unknown number.

0915xxxxxxx: This is Irina. Let's talk.

I feel like the time froze.

Sa dami ng pwedeng mag message sa akin, bakit sya pa? Naikuyom ko ang mga palad ko. Hindi ko alam kung magrereply ako, pero kung tutuusin.. Madami pa ako gusto malaman. Masasaktan ako, pero ano pa ang pinagkiba noon sa sakit na naramdaman ko na?

Isa pa, gusto ko rin malaman kung ano ang gusto nya sabihin.

Will she tell me to forgive Mikael? Or will she tell me na hayaan na silang dalawa?

In the end, I replied and ask her where. She replied with the name of a bar. As much as I wanted to have fun with my workmates, I had to tell them na may biglaang lakad pala ako.

Closure na rin siguro sa nangyari sa Cavite.

It all started there.

I went to the bar. Luminga ako sa paligid at wala pa sya. Jazz ang pinapatugtog at kahit papaano ay nakaka relax. Umorder lang ako ng red tea nila at isang cupcake.

I looked at my watch. Pasado alas nueve na, at fifteen minutes na ako doon. I know, pupunta si Irina. She wanted to talk. She was the one who initiated.

Five minutes more and I saw her enter the glass door. She was wearing a white peplum dress na may red details. Naka taas ang buhok nya at may nakalugay na ilang hibla. She looked stunning.

Bitbit ang itim na clutch bag nya, she looked around at straight face na tumingin sa akin. She then walked towards the table.

I just looked at her. Gusto ko magka idea sa kung ano ang gusto nyang pag usapan namin through her moves, pero wala. Wala akong nabasa bukod sa napaka pormal nya.

"Hey." Bati ko. I wasn't smiling, but I don't want to be rude so I acknowledge her presence.

Tumango lang sya at umupo.

We both sighed. Itinaas nya ang kanyang kamay. She ordered champagne to the waiter. Pinagsalikop nya ang mga kamay nya sa mesa at nagtama ang paningin namin.

"I apologize if I texted you in a hurry. I just want to talk to you." She paused. I blinked, still waiting for more pero hindi na sya ulit nagsalita.

Wala naman ako masabi, kaya umiwas na lang ako ng tingin.

Irina looked very royal and stunning. Masakit man pero sa ngayon, kitang kita ko na bagay na bagay sila ni Mikael. Paano kung pwede sila?

Nalikuyom ko ang palad ko.

I should not be thinking like this. Ibinalik ko ang galit ko.

"I wanted to talk to you about Mikael." Mahinang sabi nya ulit.

"Obviously." Hindi ko napigilan ang sarcasm.

Napatingin sya sa akin.

"Uhm gusto ko lang sana mag explain." Sabi nya ulit.

"Explain." Walang emosyon na sabi ko. "Explain for what? Kung tutuusin, hindi ka dapat sa akin nag e explain. You should just be explaining to Damien, Irina. He loves you. I also love Mikael. Tapos makikita namin kayo sa ganoong posisyon?" My rage got the better of me. Tumaas ang boses ko.

She bit her lower lip. "Nagmamahalan kami ni Mikael." Matigas na sabi nya.

Uminit ang ulo ko sa sinabi nya. "So anong gusto mo palabasin ngayon?" Tumaas ang kilay ko.

"Let him go. Magpapakalayo na kami. Sorry kung napaglaruan ka nya, I am sure hindi nya sinasadya. He's confused, that's why." She looked pleading. Nawala ang kaninang puno ng confidence na aura ni Irina.

Gusto kong matawa. Hindi ko alam kung totoo iyon o hindi, pero nakakatawa. They wanna run away? Confused lang si Mikael kaya pinatulan nya ako?

This is bullshit.

"Confused lang sya kaya pinatulan nya ako? Wow." Tumawa ako ng nakakaloko. "Then why are you here pleading na tigilan ko na sya? We're not even seeing each other."

Halata ang pagkagulat sa mga mata nya. "Stop lying. He's always out. Nakikipagkita sya sayo and don't deny it. Akala mo ba, hindi ko alam?" Ang kaninang nagmamakaawa na mukha ni Irina ay nagpapakita na ng galit ngayon. "Stop confusing him more!" Mariin na sabi nya.

Ako ang na confuse. Palaging wala si Mikael?

"You're pathetic." Inis na sabi ko. Matalim ang tingin na binigay ko sa kanya. Huminga ako ng malalim para maiwasan ko na makapagsalita ng hindi maganda.

I was hoping na kahit papaano ay magiging maayos ang pag uusap namin, but she showed me her b***h side, who am I not to show mine?

"Please, Resha. Usapang babae sa babae. Let him go." Imbes ay sabi pa rin nya.

Umiling na lang ako.

Kapwa kami napalingon ni Irina nang may bulto na lumapit sa amin sa mesa. Nang tumingala kami ay nakita namin na si Mikael iyon.

Mabilis na tumayo si Irina while I composed myself at hindi nag react. Kinuha ko lang ang red tea ko at sumimsim roon.

"K-Kael.." Irina said.

Nakatingin lang ako sa table.

"What are you doing here? What the hell is wrong with you?" Rinig ko na sabi ni Mikael. It wasn't loud, but it's heavy.

"I was.. I was just talking to.." Irina trailed off. Ramdam ko ang kaba nya.

Pigil na pigil ko ang sarili ko na huwag silang tingalain. Mikael's presence feels suffocating. Parang gusto ko matigil huminga.

"Let's go." Matigas na sabi ni Mikael.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nangyari dahil ramdam ko na lang na hinila ni Mikael si Irina. Before I knew it, nakita ko na lang sila palabas ng pinto. Mikael is holding Irina at her back na parang pumipiglas pa.

Then they are gone.

Napayuko ako.

It hurts seeing them together. No matter how crazy I find what Irina said, it will makes sense dahil bigla na lang sumulpot si Mikael and they are together now.

Nanginginig ang kamay ko na kinuha muli ang baso ng red tea at inubos ang laman. Kalahati lang ng cheese cake ang nakain ko. I don't think I can swallow anymore food.

The moment I saw Mikael a while ago.. There's something inside me wanting to freeze the time. I wanted to just have a glimpse of him. I missed him so freaking much.

My heart just broke again.

I paid for my food then got out. I sighed before I stepped down from the entrance. I was looking straight to the road when someone just stood into my way.

It's Mikael.

Napa awang ang labi ko. He was the last person I thought I would see. Didn't he left with Irina?

Napa atras ako.

He look sad. Yeah, his eyes are telling me nang magtama ang tingin namin. For a few seconds, nagtitigan lang kami. Kinailangan kong gamitin ang lahat ng will ko to stop myself from tearing up.

He walked a few strides bago sya tumigil sa harap ko na halos isang dipa na lang ang layo. Napalunok ako sa kaba.

"Can we talk?" Sa wakas ay sabi nya.

Tiningnan ko sya mula ulo hanghang paa, until I stayed looking at his face. He was wearing a plain fray shirt and a faded maong pants. His outfit is so ordinary but it fits him like a King.

"Why?" Ang tanging natanong ko.

"Why not?" Nakatitig pa rin kami sa isa't isa. I hypnotized.

"I thought you left with Irina." Matigas na sabi ko.

"She- she went home alone.." Mahinang sabi nya.

Hindi ako sumagot. Sya ang unang pumutol ng pagtititigan namin. He looked down for a second bago ako muling tiningnan.

"Please, Resha. Let's talk." He pleaded.

I cleared my throat. "Fine."

I saw the relief in his face after he heard what I said. Hindi naman ako tanga para hindi mapansin na parang hirap pa rin sya hanggang ngayon. Parang kulang sya sa tulog.

We landed into his car. Nang maka upo na rin sya sa driver's seat ay nagsalita na ako. His scent lingered and it felt heavenly. It felt like I am already hugging him.

"We can talk here." Hindi ko sya tinitingnan.

He was about to start the engine but stopped.

"H-here?" Gulat na tanong nya.

Nilingon ko sya. I don't want to give away my feelings, kaya as much as possible ay straight face lang ako.

"But Honey- I mean, Resha.." Humina ang boses nya. He cleared his throat. "W-we can go some other place more comfortable."

Tumaas ang kilay ko, not because he slipped calling me BABE, but the fact that he wanted us to go somewhere else.

Isa lang naman ang naisip ko.

Baka hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili ko at mayakap at mahalikan ko na lang bigla si Mikael. I wanted to be crushed in his arms. I miss his scent, I want his kisses.

Damn. I got it bad.

And it would be wrong. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pag uusapan namin kaya tingin ko, mas 'safe' kung dito kami.

Marahan nyang pinalo ang manibela and shifted his attention to me, pero sa windshield pa rin ako naka tingin, straight face at chin up.

"H-how are you doing?"

Dahan dahan ko syang nilingon. "I am fine. Ikaw?" I made it sound so formal.

Kita ko na parang may gumuhit na sakit sa mga mata nya. I don't want to dwell in the idea, pero kahit naman nakapag decide ako na pwede ko sya tanggapin ulit, I wanted him to prove me that I really should.

And I have to act like this hanggang di ako sure kung ganoon nga ang reason ng pakikipag usap sa akin ni Mikael, or if we are even in the same page.

"Resha.. Do you see me? What do you see?" He pointed at his self. "Do I look like I am fine?"

"Ano ba gusto mo'ng pag usapan?" I clenched my fist to stop myself in caressing his face.

"I.." Bigla ay parang nalito sya. "I wanted to be with you." Pag amin nya.

Hindi ako sumagot. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko. Hindi rin sya agad nagsalita. It is pure silence.

Huminga ako ng malalim bago humarap sa kanya. "Okay. I am not fine. I miss you, to be honest. I miss you a lot. I tried to forget you and everything about you. I picture you with Irina all the time. Besides, yon naman ang puno't dulo nito, diba? You have to stop yourself from your feelings with Irina kaya nandito ako." It was full of bitterness, pero tinanggap ko na iyon.

"No, Resha. That's not true. Yes, I was still moving on with my feelings from Irina at that time but never did I thought of using someone to be able to save myself. I wanted you because I wanted you for me. I wanted you for myself not to make me move on." Tumingala sya sandali bago muling tumingin sa akin. "Ang babaw naman ng tingin mo sa kung ano man ang nararamdaman ko para sayo." Mahinang habol nya.

"Bakit, Mikael? Ano nga ba ang nararamdaman mo? I wasn't gonna lie. Kaya ako nasasaktan ng ganito kasi mahal kita. I don't know when it started but I do. And it makes me insane not knowing what you really feel!" I looked at him and saw him looked caught up.

He closed his mouth that was agape awhile ago. "R-Resha." Ang tanging nasabi nya.

Another knife went into my chest. Hindi nya ako masagot. I wasn't even hoping that he'll tell me that he love me too. Just an honest answer. Just an answer that could make me stay.

That moment ay hindi ko na napigilan ang pagluha. Mabilis ko iyon na pinunasan ng kaay ko habang hindi pa rin sya makapagsalita sa harap ko.

Huminga kong malalim at pinilit ngumiti. "You know what? This is stupid." Pagak akong tumawa. I don't know whom I am insulting with my behavior.

"Resha." He called again.

"I am gonna go." Mabilis ko na binuksan ang pinto ng sasakyan nya at mabilis na lumabas. I closed it, and before I got to walk away, nakalabas na rin pala sya.

"Resha, wait!" He was about to touch me pero umatras ako. Hinang hina na ako pero kailangan kong makayanan.

"Look, Mikael. I poured my feelings inside. I wasn't expecting you to comfort me or tell me you love me back!" Napahilamos ako ng kamay ko sa obrang frustration. "But damn it! Ni hindi mo masabi sa akin kung ano ako sayo, kung ano nararamdaman mo para sa akin!" Gigil na sabi ko sa kanya.

"Resha, listen to me-"

"No!" Mabilis na sabi ko. "You listen to me." Mariin na sabi ko. "Mahal kita, Kael. I am hurting more that you do. And I wanted you back no matter how much you hurted me and no matter how stupid I would look. But I can't take you back like this. No, I can't." I started sobbing. "But I am gonna give you a chance if you want me back. This will be the last." I paused and just looked at him. "I want one reason, Mikael. Just one reason for me to forget all of this and start a new with you. Just one f*****g reason." Tinuro ko sya.

Kita ko ang pag kuyom ng palad nya, but he wasn't saying anything now. We are both frozen in our place, just looking at each other. The parking space seemed to get smaller and smaller for me to breathe having him infront of me.

Unti unti ako'ng tumalikod at naglakad paalis. I wasn't expecting him to call me back, all I wanted is to get out of there and go home. Para akong tanga na umiiyak na naglalakad. Why am I in this situation now?