NIGHT FILLED WITH SADNESS
1740 Words
“Mitsuei, can we please talk?”
Mitsuei looks down, tosing the towel he had used for the bath. He knew this was coming.
He has long noticed Reina’s troubled expression. It has been days already, and he keeps on diverting the topic whenever she wants to ask about what happened last week.
“Reina, there is no need to worry about it,” Mitsuei ignores, walking away like it is all nothing.
Reina cannot let this go once again. She had enough in the dark.
He had given her more than what she deserved. A roof over her head. A caring and supportive family. And most especially an environment she and her child can be comfortable with.
She follows Mitsuei, eager to help despite being blatantly ignored. She cannot leave another day knowing Mitsuei is in agony. Who knows when he would start having nightmares again? She cannot just watch as he loses himself.
“Please don’t evade me. I only want to help ---.”
“I do not need any kind of help!”
Reina flinches in surprise after Mitsuei raised his. She didn’t expect him to be irked early on in the confrontation.
However, this didn’t stop her. She did not budge, nor did she move away. Her heart is thumping so hard from the nervousness. Yet, her determination to heal him did not plummet.
“Mitsuei, I know I am annoyed at the moment. But, I cannot allow any of this to continue.” Reina speaks with conviction. She braves herself to take his hand. “Please allow me to help you.”
Mitsuei sighs, feeling the sensation as his hand is against her skin.
He understands he had gone overboard earlier. He didn't mean to scream at her like that. He just couldn't seem to control his feelings.
“Reina. Believe me. This is nothing to be concerned about.”
Reina shakes her head, not believing a word Mitsuei said. He might be able to lie to others, but not her. She knows exactly how a person in continuous agony looks. She knows because before they got married, she always saw that face every time she met the mirror.
“No. I cannot turn a blind eye to this. I want to help you.”
Reina clenches the hand under her palms. She wants to make him feel not alone. Even in the littlest way, she can be of support to him.
“You don’t need to do anything for me, Reina. Just let it go.”
“You know I cannot do that,” Reina insists, taking a step forward towards Mitsuei.
She has every intention of assisting him in overcoming his fears. She'll even remain until the morning if she can make his anguish go away.
“This does not concern you, Reina. So please, just let it go.”
“This is every bit of my concern. Regardless of how we started, I am your wife. And I am not the kind of person to leave someone in need,” Reina heaves a sigh while looking down.
Somehow, the way Mitsuei diverts the issue pains her. He makes it sound like she is no one in this household.
Tears began to form in the corner of her eyes. Nothing Mitsuei said was a lie. She might be overstepping her bounds a bit. She might have received his name, but that was only for show. Her child needed a family to protect him or her from ridicule by others.
Nonetheless, this isn’t about the authenticity of their relationship. She cares for him regardless of their status.
“Right. I forgot that you were that type of person.”
Mitsuei closes his eyes and looks away. Still being held captive by Reina, he sits on the corner of the bed. Somehow, he felt like Reina cornered him. In the first place, she made it clear that she wouldn’t back down.
He mulls about their current circumstances. Reina has never released his hand from her clutches since seizing it. He knows that he won’t be able to hide it from Reina’s keen eyes.
“I can’t let you be like this until we are old,” Reina mutters jokingly.
Appalled from what he heard, Mitsuei can’t seem to stop his eyes from blinking. Knowing Reina had every intention to spend her life with him, makes him feel a lot better. He didn’t know how, but those words tasted sweet in his mouth.
He would love to hear those words again.
“Come here,” Mitsuei taps the space beside him. He gestures his head to encourage Reina to join him in bed.
Reina immediately complies without thinking.
The room fell awfully quiet for some time. Neither could utter a single word.
Unable to finalize his choices, Mitsuei only sat in silence. Meanwhile, Reina has realized why she has been feeling giddy. She has been holding Mitsuei’s hand for who knows how long.
Embarrassed, she pulls her hands away gently. However, Mitsuei didn’t want to let go this time.
He instantly grabs her hand, leaving her no time to oppose.
“Will you listen to me?” Mitsuei asks, staring at Reina with sad eyes.
Reina cannot fathom why she suddenly feels spellbound. Aside from the obvious change in his tone, Mitsuei’s eyes gaze at her with a plea. It seems like his brown eyes are desperately calling to her.
Reina unconsciously nods her head in response. She cannot think of any words whilst she feels lost in his sorrowful eyes.
“I have been on the battlefield since I was young. My father was determined to have me follow his path. But I honestly didn’t want to. I don’t want to have to do with war or killing people. Yet, I still carried out those actions.”
Reina can hear the anguish in his tone. There must have been lots of things he wished he didn’t do.
“In the battlefield, it is either kill or be killed. And if you have any desire to return to your family, of course, you will have to survive and kill others. Otherwise, you will just be another dead body added to the pile.”
Mitsuei scoffs hearing himself talking. He sounds pathetic trying to justify killing another person for the emperor’s cause. He remembers the first time he had shot someone. He was trembling uncontrollably and was sweating waterfalls.
“Each and everyone wishes to return to their homes and family,” Reina whispers under her breath. Her heart aches after seeing the torment in Mitsue’s eyes.
“When I got the chance to slip, I immediately retired from the military. I badly wanted to escape. But it seems I can’t. For years I retired, I have not yet buried those awful memories in me. They are still on my head, waiting for the perfect opportunity to destroy me from the inside.”
Mitsuei laughs sarcastically. He established Hanneau as an escape for himself. Far away from people. Far from the officials who wished he returned. And most especially, a supposed haven for his disturbed mind. And yet, he is still tormented by his past. A past he can never get over with.
“Tell me, do your nightmares happen all the time?” Reina questions, voice filled with concern.
“I don’t know. Honestly, I cannot recall how long I have been waking up in the middle of the night from a bad dream.”
Reina gasps in realization. It scares her to think how long Mitsuei has been experiencing this ordeal. She cannot imagine herself living with nights full of nightmares.
“Once I encountered a man that was about the same age as me. He was trembling like I was the first time. I have all the pity in my heart, yet, I had no choice but to kill him. He cried with no sound. Closed his eyes and waited for my attack. When I saw a photo of his wife and daughter that fell from his clothes, I almost threw up. I wonder how many families, wives, children had cursed me.”
Mitsuei raises his head to look at the room’s ceiling. He wants to distract himself. He didn’t want to stop halfway from telling Reina. He will never hear the end of it if he cut the story short. Lately, his wife has grown feisty. He can no longer scare her like before.
“Don’t say that,” Reina argues, raising her voice a little. “You do what you had to do. You also wished to return to your family. You were only a victim of circumstances. The war started because of people who want to establish power. If they could have just fought for their cause, then it would be better for everyone. They should die for that cause, not someone else.”
Mitsuei chuckles after seeing the pout on Reina’s face. He never thought telling someone would make him feel lighter.
Not everything vanished, but somehow, he feels that he can eventually get rid of his bad dreams.
“You know,” Reina interrupts with a soft voice. She turns his hand around. “these hands helped me when I needed it the most. It even saved my life. And soon, these hands will carry a child that he had saved from shame. So I hope, the person with these nice hands will forgive himself and embrace happiness.”
Mitsuei abruptly shifts his gaze to Reina. She was right. He had never forgiven himself for the atrocities he did.
Reina then smiles at him with understanding. The tears on the corner of her eyes sparkle like beads against the light. It seems like he is seeing a magical fairy that promises to take his fears away.
Reina now stands before Mitsuei, her huge belly facing him.
Slowly, she inches towards him. She wraps her arms around him in an embrace.
Mitsuei didn’t know what exactly happened. But the next thing he knew, he was already crying in her arms, releasing all the negative emotions building up inside of him.
Perhaps Reina is a fairy. He only talked to her for a short time, but he can’t deny that he felt better. He felt as if he could sleep without disruption from here on out.
‘I wish we could be like this every day of our lives, Reina.’
- Writer
